Irasshaimase (Welcome)
by Shella
Summary: [A/U] Kaworu Nagisa arrives in Tokyo-3 as a regular student instead of a pilot. As he connects with the Children he learns what it means to be human, and his allegiance comes into question. (Begins shortly after the 7th Angel attacks.) (formerly deleted)


**Irasshaimase ****(Welcome)**  
**The Day the Flesh Shapes and the Flesh the Day Shapes**  
By Shella

Summary: [A/U] Kaworu Nagisa arrives in Tokyo-3 as a regular student instead of a pilot, shortly after the 7th Angel attacks. As he connects with the Children he learns what it means to be human, and his allegiance comes into question.  
Genre: Drama  
Rating: PG  
Warnings: A/U, borrowing from and blend of both manga and anime storylines, some shounen-ai.  
Spoilers: Lots & then some, for pretty much the entire series & everybody's back-stories.  
Archive: Ask first, m'kay?  
Disclaimer: [insert pathetic attempt to pretend copyright theft isn't happening].  
"/Speech,/" signifies dialogue spoken in German. Individual words and phrases will be in German, italicised.

1. Tame Messenger  
_I didn't ask to be an Angel, but hey – if the halo fits…_

I was late to my first day of school. That was not a good beginning to my time there, or so the class representative informed me – with barely-disguised impatience – as we made our way to room 2-A. But although I apologised, I was not sincerely repentant. There had been a breeze, and children flying kites. How could I not stay and watch?

She probably would not have understood, though. Most of the people I had met seemed too present-oriented to reflect on the value – and fragility – of happiness. After all, their lives were so full of adversity, and their hearts so troubled by it, that they naturally expected nothing more. For them, to live and have experiences – to have a heart at all – was to feel pain.

I had interacted in human society enough to understand most of the unwritten rules of behaviour (although not the logic behind such dishonesty), but there was much in Tokyo-3 that was new to me. Being a full-time Japanese student, as opposed to occasional excursions to German towns, was a fresh experience in a new environment, and I intended to keep my eyes, and my mind, wide open. After all, learning was its own reward.

(I found maxims and adages interesting. Many had no relation to their usage, having lost their relevance in distant pasts along with knowledge of their origins. And yet so many were still used as stock answers to any problem. How odd.)

The class representative introduced herself to me as Hikari Horaki, but looked uncomfortable when I addressed her by her given name. I resolved to do so constantly, until she actually asked me to stop. It would be interesting to see how long she would put up with such 'familiarity'.

We reached classroom 2-A ten minutes after the first lesson began, missing the morning assembly entirely. Evidently I had been watching the kites for longer than I had realised. I did not mind, but it seemed to bother Hikari. She appeared to be a person who preferred everything to be organised, who liked looking after people and taking charge. I wondered whether she would be upset if I refused to follow her instructions. An experiment along these lines would further my understanding of her character, through witnessing her reaction to the disruption of the petty authority her position gave her.

"Hello, sorry we're late!" Hikari said as she opened the door.

Our intrusion caused the teacher, a wizened (physically if not mentally) old man, to pause in his lecture on the structure of Japan's political system. The thick glass of his oversized spectacles magnified his blinking as he re-adjusted his train of thought, seemingly with much difficulty.

He looked so like a pale insect that the resemblance caused me to smile. He seemed to interpret it as friendliness – or even nervousness, which was amusing. I was never nervous.

"Everyone," said the teacher, "I'd like to introduce our new transfer student, Kaworu Nagisa."

A few nods and murmurs of "hi" greeted this presentation. Somebody muttered, "What's with all the transfer students?" Less audibly, another whispered to his neighbour, "Kaworu of the Seashore? The sea _floor_ more like – he's more albino than Ayanami!"

"Don't be rude!" snapped Hikari, impatient with the general apathy of the class. "Stand up! Bow! Welcome him!"

Reluctantly, the students got to their feet and chanted the ritual welcoming, "_Irasshaimase_." I matched their bows with my own, not bothering to disguise its jesting spirit, and moved to take a spare seat.

"Wait, Nagisa!" said Hikari. "Won't you introduce yourself?"

Certainly. I am a heavenly being sent to destroy you all.

"Certainly. I am originally from Tokai myself, but I have spent most of my life travelling. I lived in Matsushiro for a while, but spent several years in Italy, America and, most recently, Germany as well."

"Germany?" perked up a voice in the middle of the room. I had caught the attention of a redheaded girl – the pilot of Unit 02, Asuka Langley Soryu. "/So you're from Germany, too?/" she inquired in that country's language. She seemed pleased by the baffled looks the other students gave her.

"/I moved there when I was eleven,/" I answered. "/I lived near Berlin until I came to Japan a week ago./"

"Hey, quit bein' so rude!" complained another boy. "Talkin' over people's heads like that – real impolite, y'know!"

"Shut up!" snapped Soryu, changing moods instantaneously, at the same instant Hikari barked, "Suzuhara, behave yourself!"

"Don' tell me to shut up, you snob!" the boy shouted back to Soryu, who responded to his verbal abuse in kind, and the two commenced a loud argument.

Hikari, however, restrained herself – she took a deep breath, fists clenched, and turned to me with a forced smile. "Thanks, Nagisa, you can sit down now." She gestured to a seat near the window.

As I crossed the room and took my seat, I noticed the girl beside me. She was so quiet and withdrawn she had escaped my recognition before, and she did not even look at me as I sat beside her. Rei Ayanami was more like me than anybody else in the classroom, but given the reports I had heard on her she would be the least likely to open up to me. This was especially true considering I was not yet an Evangelion pilot – as far as she knew we had nothing in common besides an albino appearance.

Well, we would see about that.

"Hello," I offered.

Her only response was to look at me in something that could possibly be interpreted as acknowledgment, then turn away again. Even her thoughts, in the small degree to which I could sense them, barely flickered.

"My name is Kaworu Nagisa."

The pause before she introduced herself in turn managed to convey the distinct impression of her reluctance to engage with me. In a barely audible tone, she grudgingly admitted herself to be, "Rei Ayanami," and from her demeanour I gathered that, at this point, most people would give up attempts to engage her. I, however, was not 'most people'.

"It is nice to meet you, Rei," I said, smiling. Unlike Hikari, she did not react to my uninvited use of her given name – it was apparent that she did not care a great deal how she was addressed. In that case, there was no point to calling her 'Rei'. "I hope that we can become friends, Ayanami," I added.

I sensed no gratitude or pleasure from her at my overtures towards sociability. "If I am ordered to, I will." She was expecting this to utterly defeat any remaining friendliness. Dear me …

"What if I were to order you to?" I asked experimentally.

Ah! A reaction! She looked at me quite sharply, her eyebrows furrowing a bit. "Excuse me?"

"Would you would be my friend if I ordered you to?" I reiterated helpfully, with what I judged to be an amiable smile.

"Nagisa!" the teacher called, forestalling any further response from Ayanami. He frowned at me as I met his gaze innocently. "I understand that it's your first day," he said disapprovingly, "but you're not allowed to talk during a lecture. You're disrupting the class."

"Sorry," I lied. He must have seen the flippancy in my apology, but evidently the effort of pursuing my insubordination was too great. Grumbling to himself, he returned to the passage he was reading. I gave Ayanami a smile and turned my attention towards the old man. Inciting reactions in people was amusing.

I sensed the First Child glancing over at me frequently during the lesson, although it became less often as she deduced that I was not responding to her unspoken queries. Instead of answering her or listening to the teacher, I spent my time studying the members of the class. Most seemed to be normal teenagers, absorbed in their personal dramas and dilemmas, with only a superficial acknowledgment of the dangerous days in which they lived.

The only one worthy of note, other than those with whom I had already conversed, was the pilot of Unit 01, Shinji Ikari. He seemed shy and awkward, but made small forays beyond his shell when interacting with Soryu or the two boys who appeared to be his friends. Surprisingly, one was the noisy Suzuhara, while the other, Kensuke Aida, was a person who lived for glory through dreams of war and weapons. They struck me as somewhat of an odd trio, thrown together by chance more than choice, but there was a bond of comradeship between them that was not merely a product of coincidence. Another instance of the confusing complexities of human relationships.

I wondered, as I watched them, whether I would have any friends. Did I understand Lilim interaction well enough to forge a connection with a person of my adopted age? Would any of these human teenagers want to be friends with me? I was curious to see whether I could pass as a boy for the purposes of my mission; gaining a 'friend' would be a reliable indicator of success.

When the bell rang for recess, I was surprised to find most of the class crowding around my desk to ask me questions about myself. They had not seemed at all interested when I was standing in front of them earlier, but now they were ravenous for information.

"What's your family like?"

"How come you moved so much?"

"What TV shows do you like?"

"Do you have brothers or sisters?"

"Is that your real eye colour?"

"Do you play any sport?"

I was quite unable to keep up with their inquiries at the rate they were asking them, which actually made spinning my tale easier. By selectively answering questions, everyone learned that my parents had died when I was young and I had been raised by my uncle. However, when he became sick and had to enter a nursing home I was sent to a city to live by myself while finishing my education.

"But why Tokyo-3? Didn't you know about the Angel attacks?" someone demanded. Before I could answer, a girl butted in, "Do you have a girlfriend?"

"Not at the moment," I answered her, sidestepping the more awkward question. I looked at the ground and made myself blush, provoking a round of giggles and chuckles from my audience. It was then that I judged teenagers to be among the easiest Lilim to manipulate.

"Why not?" demanded Soryu, pushing her way through the crowd to stand directly in front of my desk, hands on hips. I received the impression she chose to do nothing with subtlety or even a decent amount of tact. She seemed to like showing off and being the centre of attention, although I could sense deeper insecurities in her. "Are you shy?" she teased me now. "Or is there someone your heart belongs to? Or maybe … /you don't want a _girl_friend as much as a _boy_friend!/"

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Ayanami get to her feet and leave as people pressed in around her desk. However, I addressed Soryu as though all my focus was on her. She gave me the idea she would be satisfied with nothing less.

"Well, I am not shy, at the moment nobody holds my heart, and as for the latter…" I paused suspensefully, then leaned closer to her and stated, "/not now that I have met _you_./" The tone of my voice let her know I was joking, but I judged she would appreciate the flattery nonetheless.

"What'd you say?" said one of the other girls in the class. "Soryu, Nagisa, what're you guys talking about?" Her voice was joined by others, including Suzuhara, whose loud indignance at being left out of the loop again was instantly matched by Soryu's belligerent response.

As the two commenced another round of verbal warfare, I got to my feet. "Could somebody tell me where the bathrooms are?"

I bent my thoughts toward the Third Child so that the class representative would register them unconsciously, and she quickly said, "Sure, Ikari will show you the way."

The boy glanced up on hearing his name, and removed a pair of headphones from his ears. "Huh?"

"Ikari, show Nagisa where the boys' bathroom is," instructed Hikari, gesturing to emphasise her directive. Amused, long-suffering looks directed at her by her classmates informed me that I was not alone in considering her to be rather bossy.

"Oh … okay," he said, and got to his feet. He put his music player on the desk next to his friend Aida, who was reading a magazine. Beckoning for me to follow him, he slid the door open and stepped out into the hall.

It was surprisingly quiet out in the corridor, the noise of students at recess being confined to the classrooms and the school grounds, and our footsteps echoed loudly. Interestingly, I noticed my companion unconsciously trying to lighten his step so he wouldn't make as much noise. This amused me so that I made a point of slapping my feet carelessly on the lino floor to heighten the sound. He seemed to shrink into himself, despite the fact that he was already leaving an unusually large amount of space between us. When I drifted closer to him he automatically shifted sideways, further away.

"Your name is Ikari, correct?" I said.

"Um, yes – Shinji Ikari," he confirmed. "Uh, sorry I forgot to introduce myself…"

I waved a hand, dismissing his apology. "Never mind. Pleased to meet you, Shinji Ikari."

"Oh – it's nice to meet you too, Nagisa."

"Please, call me Kaworu, Mr Ikari," I said teasingly. I felt strange using his family name – in my conversations with Keel it had been used to refer to his father, and the negative impression I had gained of the Commander gave it connotations unsuitable for this slight boy. I hoped he would reciprocate my invitation for him to use the less formal term of address.

He actually blushed! "Oh no, you can call me Shinji," he said quickly. There was awkwardness written all over him – I marvelled at the strength of his embarrassment, and wondered how deep it reached.

"Have you been at this school long?" I asked. I was not well versed in small talk, but general topics of mutual concern would probably be safe, and hopefully fruitful.

"Not really, only a few months."

"Do you like it here?"

"Uh, I guess so. School is school, you know?" He shrugged non-committally.

This 'small talk' was becoming laborious… "And the people? Do you have many friends?"

"Um, a few." He folded his arms as he walked. "Aida and Suzuhara … Asuka, sort of…" Our elbows bumped suddenly and he jumped. "Sorry!"

I had not realised how close beside each other we had been walking – evidently, Shinji had forgotten to keep me at a distance. I looked at him closely, seeing the way he drew into himself. "You're very afraid of any kind of interpersonal contact, aren't you?" I remarked.

He glanced at me, startled. "What? Afraid?"

"Yes. Are you afraid of being hurt by other people? Or do you not wish to hurt them?"

"Huh? Um … what – what makes you think that?"

"By keeping others at a distance, you avoid a betrayal of your trust," I said, half to him and half to myself. "But while you may not be hurt by others that way, you must still endure pain of another kind – that of loneliness." Shinji was staring at me as though transfixed; indeed, I was surprising myself with the truths his soul revealed, both about himself and about the Lilim as a whole. "People can never truly erase this sadness, because at the core all people are fundamentally alone. All they can do is seek momentary happiness, to forget for a while."

Our upper arms brushed lightly. Shinji started and pulled away again. His cheeks were bright red and he looked thoroughly startled. "Nagisa – I mean, Kaworu … why … why are you saying this?"

"Because it is true," I replied simply. Out of the corner of my eye I observed his reaction; he seemed to be perpetually in a state of confusion. I wondered whether this was his nature or whether I had provoked it.

"Um … I don't understand…"

"It does not matter." Rather than elaborate on my statements, I resumed walking, humming to myself. I had observed that humming signalled disregard and inattention to the world around, and inferred that, juxtaposed with my intrusive psychological assessment of him, it would unbalance my companion.

There was silence for a moment before hesitant footsteps signalled that he was following me. He cleared his throat nervously. "Is – is that the 'Ode to Joy'?" Shinji ventured, trying to regain his footing.

"You have good ears, considering that I am tone deaf," I said cheerfully.

He blinked. "You're not – you were in key. I play that on my cello." He looked surprised at himself for offering information spontaneously.

"You do? Well, I play violin. We should duet." I deduced that Shinji's most interesting reactions came when he was offered intimacy – it appeared to be something he was unaccustomed to dealing with. In this instance, he blushed anew and spluttered that he hadn't really been in an ensemble before, that he wasn't used to it, that he'd probably mess it up. But before I could press my advantage further, he glanced over my shoulder and stopped suddenly.

"Here it is," he said. "I'll just wait here for you, okay?"

"Whatever you like," I said carelessly, pushing the door open and going inside. I sensed Shinji's surprise and hurt at my change of tone, and had to smirk. People were so amusing.

The paint on the bathroom walls was faded, and at the corners it flaked away, revealing the aged brickwork underneath. Scruff marks, scratches and idle graffiti were everywhere – a visible history of maltreatment by the crowds passing through every day. Like the rest of the school building, the bathroom was less grand and much more _human_ than the surroundings to which I was accustomed at Keel's residences. Given that the old man had long ago lost touch with his true humanity, this was hardly surprising.

What was surprising was that Shinji had indeed waited for me, despite my treatment of him; as I came out he was studying a noticeboard on the opposite wall and humming the 'Ode to Joy' under his breath.

"Is that song stuck in your head?" I asked. I wasn't familiar with that particular predicament myself, but had heard the phrase used to describe the situation of a person's mind continually replaying a particular tune against their will. How strange, that the Lilim could not control their own thoughts.

"Huh?" Shinji glanced around, startled. "Oh – Kaworu. Uh, I don't really mind. It's a good song."

"You sing it well," I remarked.

He blushed again and disclaimed the compliment in an embarrassed mumble as we started back towards the classroom, effectively running away from the praise I had given him. Strange – I would have guessed someone insecure like Shinji would have welcomed commendation, rather than denying it. Apparently I had more to learn more about Lilim psychology.

Back in the classroom, recess was almost over and the students were becoming noisier. The Second Child held the centre of attention again, in a popular discussion of some television program. She seemed to have an impact on everyone who came into contact with her; some, like Suzuhara, were instantly put off, but others, such as Hikari, warmed to her. Either way, she was impossible to ignore.

"Asuka only recently moved here, too," Shinji informed me when we saw her holding court. "So you aren't getting hassled too much because people are kind of still getting used to her." He smiled ruefully. "She does take a bit of getting used to."

I was surprised that the amount of questioning I had been subjected to was labelled 'not much' – there seemed no end to the inquiries directed at me from the other students. To cover this reaction I focused my senses on Soryu, perceiving the existence of pitch-black memories behind her bluster and bravado. "She puts up a bold front," I mused, "trying to present herself as all-powerful and perfect. She wants everyone to admire her and to think she can do anything. But on the inside she's still a young girl with very heavy burdens."

"Yes!" Shinji exclaimed. The look he turned to me was that of a person who has alone known the truth for many years, and finally found another believer. "She tries to convince everyone she's the best at everything when really she's just a kid like the rest of us." I nodded mutely, surprised by his glowing regard.

"Hey, Third Child!"

Shinji winced, his satisfaction dissolving as he was assaulted by Soryu's strident tones. "What is it, Asuka?" he asked wearily.

She glared at him. "What's with that gloomy tone of voice, huh? You ought to be more polite!" She put her hands on her hips and tossed her hair. "To start with, you can stop hogging the new kid!"

He sighed. Evidently he'd lost enough arguments to her not to consider it worth the trouble to engage in another. Offering me a timid, "Thanks," (despite the fact that he had been the one assisting me) he retreated to his desk and retrieved his music player, settling down with the headphones in his ears once again.

I turned away in time to see Soryu beckoning me over as she said, "Come on, newbie! We're not finished with you yet!" A burst of chatter and agreements from the surrounding crowd in response to her order made her smirk smugly, and I sensed again her need for external approval and vindication from others.

Unnoticed by the other students, the First Child had returned, and was making her quiet way back to her seat. I caught her eye as she looked over at me, and smiled. If it was possible, her face seemed to close even more – in defence, now, rather than indifference.

These Lilim were becoming more interesting the more I learned about them. A decade spent with the bitter, nostalgic old men of SEELE and their fainthearted lackeys had dulled my curiosity in the life form I would eventually supplant, leading me to believe that all humans were as boring and shallow as those of my acquaintance. However, these teenagers, young enough to still hold ideals and feel strong emotions, yet old enough to begin developing their own ideas – they had a personal integrity that appealed to me. Perhaps there was some life in the human race yet.

My purpose in entering Tokyo-3 did not include befriending people. SEELE had dictated that I was meant to study them and draw conclusions about their weaknesses and their battle plans against my brethren. The people who sent me here considered me their tool, their tame Angel. But I was and remain Tabris, of Free Will, and I would do as I chose.

2. Educate Thyself  
_Angels can fly because they take themselves lightly._

I had not underestimated how much I would learn by attending school with the Lilim. From the heartening discovery that not all humans were twisted, hostile individuals, to uncovering the intricacies of people's personalities, my mind was never still throughout my entire first day. However, possibly the oddest moment came during a Physical Education class. I had never before played the sport of basketball.

I may not have had any concrete expectations when the class filed onto the outdoor court, but I certainly was not anticipating to be confounded by my ignorance of Lilim culture so soon. When Suzuhara threw a ball at me I caught it by reflex, but could only stare in bewilderment as he enjoined me to "shoot some hoops", as he put it.

I must have appeared rather comical standing there, looking at the ball in my hands and wondering what I was supposed to do. I was not accustomed to feeling out of place – normally I was the one who surprised and baffled others. Honestly, I could not say that there had been much in my life that genuinely surprised me. Most of my experiences up to that point had been predictable to the point of boring. Yet while I had longed for new and different experiences I had to admit that this was not what I had had in mind!

Suzuhara became impatient with my inaction, his mobile features narrowing into a scowl. "What, you never played basketball before?" he said sarcastically.

My embarrassment was almost worth the look on his face when I shook my head solemnly.

"You kidding? How'd you – I mean…" He stumbled to a halt, obviously on unfamiliar territory. Evidently basketball was such a widespread activity that he could assume everybody knew how to play.

I looked at him innocently, not saying a word as he assimilated this new concept.

"Well, c'mon, I'll teach you," he offered, recovering quickly, and held out his hands, signalling me to pass the ball to him. That much, at least, I understood.

It was an interesting experience, learning basketball at the hands of a disorganised and inarticulate teacher, but I did well enough to surprise Suzuhara. I took pleasure in the startled look on his face when I made it past his defence and shot a goal, feeling that I was once more in familiar territory by teasing unsuspecting Lilim. It may have been less conspicuous to pretend something other than a high level of aptitude, but I judged that the students would tend towards admiration rather than suspicion. Besides, after having my naivete exposed, I needed to reassure myself of my superiority to these children, my lesser cousins.

By the time the teacher arrived – late although, unlike his students, he did not have to change his clothes to a sports uniform – I had learned the basic techniques and rules of basketball well enough to have impressed the other pupils. However, as it happened I was not to need those skills at that particular time. The teacher announced that the day's activities would consist of fitness testing, something that apparently occurred once each quarter of the year.

There were some complaints at these words, but others – those of a more competitive nature – took this as a signal to boast of their own prowess and discredit that of their peers. Shinji, when I turned to look and 'listen', seemed largely indifferent to this turn of events, until the teacher added that, instead of separating the girls and boys of the class as per usual in PE lessons, both would be undertaking the tests concurrently. I heard the Third Child's thoughts as clearly as if he had spoken them out loud: _Oh no, Asuka'll make a huge scene…_ His dismay was so manifest it made me smirk.

The Second Child arrived at the head of the group of females, all attired in their identical uniforms but differing widely in stance and attitude. Some were shy and silly, catching boys' eyes and retreating to a buzz of giggling with their friends; others made faces of distaste and loudly expressed doubts about the maturity of the boys or the desirability of interacting with them. The two who stood out as individuals were Soryu and Ayanami – the former brashly confident, boldly predicting superiority and victory over the unworthy males, while the latter allowed no hint of emotion to pass her facade of indifference. I seemed to be the only one, aside from perhaps Shinji, to even notice that she was present.

The teacher set us several tasks, some to test stamina, others speed, and others agility. The students undertook a number of them sequentially, but many were concurrent, and it was these that most strongly demonstrated the personalities of the Lilim around me.

Shinji, although a competent athlete, never seemed to achieve to the best of his capabilities. He was spurred by fear of failure, but his insecurity held him back from putting all of himself into his task and reaching his limits. Although this seemed illogical to me, through it I glimpsed the power of human will and drive – or rather, a lack thereof. Shinji could have achieved more if he had motivation; theoretically this could apply to others. It was an intriguing concept.

Soryu was no surprise in her outright competitiveness. Her antagonism with Suzuhara found yet another outlet in physical contest, in which she was his match in many areas, and she made sure to always keep abreast of him. However, there were moments when her concern seemed less to prove her superiority or defeat Suzuhara than to draw Shinji's attention – just moments, but they caused me to wonder if perhaps there was more to their interaction than I had perceived.

After she, Suzuhara and I had completed a set of laps around the track, we waited for the rest of the class to finish. Soryu sat on the field, stretching her legs, while Suzahara watched the others and made comments as they passed.

I sat down beside Soryu, watching her activities. She glanced up and gave me a questioning look.

"What do these stretches do?" I asked, as explanation for my presence.

"These? They work on your calves and the backs of your knees," she said, leaning down and holding the position to demonstrate. When I copied her, the muscles in my legs ached a bit.

"I can feel the strain in those areas," I agreed, releasing the stretch as the pain became uncomfortable.

Soryu smirked at the evidence of my limitations, and bent further to flaunt her own adeptness. "Of course, I've been practicing longer than you have," she said, the modest phrase at odds with her smugness.

I looked at her as she shifted forms and executed another stretch. "You're very competitive, are you not, Soryu?"

She glanced at me. "Yeah? What about it?"

"You have a compulsion to engage in contest wherever possible, because you need to convince yourself and others of your own superiority. By extension, you wish to demonstrate that you are in control of your life, that you are your own person – an empowered individual worthy of respect and admiration."

Her jaw fell open in surprise. "What're you talking – Just who the hell do you think you are?" she snapped, scrambling to her feet. "And what the hell makes you think you can talk to me like that?"

"It is true," I said simply. "You need outside approval in order to maintain your self-confidence – you equate success with independence and value as a person."

Stunned, her mouth opening and closing of its own accord, Soryu took a moment to find words. "I can't believe how _rude_ you are!" she managed eventually. "You can't just _say_ things like that to someone – especially not to me! I won't stand for it! Why I oughta – oughta—"

"Yes?"

"—I oughta not dignify that with a response," she snapped finally, and flounced off, glowering, to join the class representative, who had just completed her laps. I looked after her, a smile on my face. Every word I had said was the truth, whether she wanted to admit it or not.

I completed the series of stretches she had demonstrated, before also wandering away. I desired speech with Ayanami.

She had not been watching or participating in the contests; her gaze was on the city spread out below the hill on which the school was built. However, she noticed my approach, and glanced up with wariness in her eyes. Their red, so like my own, was guarded by caution.

"May I sit beside you?" I asked politely, offering her a smile.

"You may do as you choose," she said flatly. Her coolness only made me feel more like smiling.

She was sitting in the shade of a tree at the side of the basketball court, legs bent and arms wrapped loosely around her knees. I settled at her side, leaning back against the trunk and folding my arms behind my head; I could not see her face from this angle, but I could sense her emotions, and these, although subtle, were more honest.

"Are you normally this reclusive?" I asked her.

She glanced at me warily, but said nothing – possibly for fear any response she made could be used as ammunition.

"You withdraw from others and hold yourself aloof because you have no interest in many of the things others your age find engaging and important," I told her, rather enjoying the hint of alarm I detected emanating from her. "You are aware of the differences in attitude between yourself and other people, and so you are unsure how to act or how to feel like someone people would like to be around. You keep them at a distance rather than risk making a mistake and having them think you a fool, when you simply have different values and mindsets."

Of course, I hit the nail on the head. Her eyes widened as I explained her feelings to her, then narrowed when I mentioned people considering her a fool. "What gives you the right to say those things?" she almost hissed. But her offence was diluted by uncertainty and confusion, the source of which I was not able to fully discern.

"It is true. You need not pretend otherwise to me – we are the same."

Ayanami's brow furrowed, her expression again changing only minimally, but I perceived this subtlety to be a reflection of hesitancy in her emotions themselves. It was partly as I had told her – she was aware that she did not have 'normal' interests and attitudes, and chose to isolate herself and minimise even her internal reactions to lessen the likelihood of making a faux pas. However, there was more to the story of Rei Ayanami that I had yet to discover.

"I don't think so," she said at length, with a suggestion of finality in her tone. Naturally, I had put her in mind of the character examination I had made of her – little did she know I was referring to our shared genetic heritage.

A conversation between some other students caught my ear – they were several metres away, speaking in low voices, but I could hear them clearly. "Hey, check that out!"

"What?" There were two of them, both girls.

"Nagisa's talking to Ayanami … and she's talking back!"

"You're kidding!"

I kept my face turned away, but could hear and sense their gossipy surprise without looking at them. They seemed irrepressibly talkative – everything they thought and observed was expressed verbally.

"I'm not joking – she was even looking at him!" Mutual gasps of surprise.

"Amazing! She never talks to anyone – but Nagisa's only been here half a day and already he's got the Ice Queen to open up."

"How did he manage that?"

"Hey, I wonder if she's _interested_ in him!"

At this point the second voice became openly scornful. "No way! Ayanami? She's totally frigid!"

Ayanami flinched, although the reaction was so minuscule as to be almost imperceptible. I realised that, despite her outward masks, she was aware of what others thought of her. Specifically, her feelings could be hurt.

Unthinkingly I frowned at the two gossipers, only realising my mistake when they showed surprise at meeting my gaze. I had forgotten that they were not aware I could hear them – that a normal teenager would not be able to from this distance. Even Ayanami, who also had better hearing than others her age, did not betray that their conversation was audible to her. Frustrated with my blunder, I turned away and drew my knees in, dropping my chin on folded arms and allowing a frown to settle over my expression.

It was not until later that I realised I had unconsciously behaved in such a manner. I had made an error, and responded by withdrawing into myself and presenting an unhappy mien to the world. I had, in fact, _sulked_.

How embarrassing.

A wind kicked up during my last class of the day, so that a strong breeze chased the students as they departed the school grounds. I felt it running through my hair and tugging at my clothes, enticing me to spread my wings and join in with its revelry in flight. Unfortunately, I knew it would be wiser not to do so whilst in the presence of Lilim.

On my way to the school gate, I saw the Second Child talking to the class representative and a girl with long hair in a braid. Soryu noticed me as I approached, and bid a hasty farewell to her friends before indicating that she wished to speak with me.

As I came up to her, she was frowning at me, eyes narrow and dark. I returned her look with a guileless expression, but she was not fooled. She was clearly mindful of my earlier assessment of her.

Finally, she straightened and looked like she had come to a decision. "Okay, Nagisa," she said, "I don't know what your game is, but if you say anything like that to me again I'll punch your lights out."

I blinked, genuinely surprised. I had not discerned in her such readiness for violence. "All right…"

"In the meantime," she continued, as though my acknowledgment were inconsequential, "I'll pretend you didn't say such rude stuff to me. After all, /we foreigners should stick together, shouldn't we/?" The last phrase was spoken in German, with just a slight overtone of warning.

"/I agree/," I said. "/I am sorry if I have offended you. It was not my intent to do so./" Two sentences, only the second of which was true.

"/Good/," she said, nodding. "/That'll do for now./" In a quick switch, she was smiling and cheerful. "See you tomorrow, Nagisa!"

"Farewell, Soryu," I responded politely. She walked away, leaving me to wonder about her strange behaviour.

A conspiratorial whisper nearby caught my attention and I turned to its source – Shinji, Aida and Suzuhara were walking in a group, talking amongst themselves. More than once, the Third Child's companions let their eyes stray to where their female classmates were battling the breeze's attacks on the skirts of their school uniforms. As I watched, Aida elbowed the others in the ribs.

"Oh, man, check it out," he said in a hushed tone. "Sugimoto wears _red_ panties."

Shinji blushed, looking uncomfortable and embarrassed. Suzuhara, however, moaned in delight.

"Dude, are you serious?" He almost leered at the girl in question, Hikari's companion, whose hands were firmly pressing down her skirt in front and back after the mishap. "That's so awesome – _red_…"

"Red's nearly as good as black," Aida agreed.

I turned away, towards the nearest school gate. The conversation was getting somewhat ridiculous for my tastes. However, there was something interesting to be learned from their exchange. The behaviour of the boys when they were talking amongst themselves and when they were in a larger group differed markedly – their demeanour in class hadn't indicated the presence of such sordid interests. I wondered if such a tendency to suppress any conduct that might be seen as 'improper' held true for the Lilim in general.

"Oi, Nagisa!"

I stopped at the shout, looking back. Suzuhara was jogging over to me, tailed by the other two.

He grinned amiably at me as he approached. "I never introduced meself proper before. I'm Toji Suzuhara." A hand was thrust out to me and I blinked at it. What was I meant to do?

My dilemma was solved in a moment, as Suzuhara grabbed my wrist with his other hand so that he could clasp my palm.

"Oh!" A handshake: originally signifying a lack of hostility by surrendering control of the weapons arm, nowadays an action of politeness. I returned Suzuhara's grip, somewhat taken aback by the enthusiasm of the pumping action. Whenever I'd observed Keel engaging someone in a handshake the motion was brief and minimalist, a civil formality used to cement transactions rather than express goodwill. This was … friendly.

"And I'm Kensuke Aida," added the bespectacled boy, taking my hand when Suzuhara released it. His grip wasn't as strong, but it was still confident and conveyed easy openness.

"Kaworu Nagisa," I responded, with a short bow that they quickly returned. I directed a smile at the Third Child, receiving a shy reciprocation. "Shinji and I have already become acquainted."

"So Nagisa," said Suzuhara, "where-bouts d'you live?" He resumed the walk to the school gate, beckoning for me to accompany him.

"In New Tarumachi, second choome, third block, twelfth lot," I recited.

"Hey," Aida jumped in, "isn't Bakemono Game shop right near there?"

I paused for a moment, searching my memory. Reliable as always, it soon provided me with an image of a garish green shop front, the window crowded with posters promoting military and fantasy console games. "Yes, it is nearby."

"Awesome! Well, I wanted to go there sometime this week anyway – how about we walk you? Toji, Ikari, wanna come?"

"Sure!"

"Uh, okay!"

I blinked, surprised. Did people often invite themselves along with others? Were they being rude, or just sociable? Was I supposed to be affronted? Accommodating? Reluctant? I did not know how I was supposed to act in this situation…

"Is that all right?" Shinji asked me. The other two had already set off towards the nearest train station while I was wondering what to do.

Shaking my head slightly to clear it, I gave a rueful smile. "Well, it is too late to argue now, is it not?"

Looking after his two friends, Shinji chuckled. "Looks like it."

"Shall we go, then?" I caught his hand in mine and pulled him along, noting with amusement his instant blush.

"Ikari!" hollered Suzuhara, as he and Aida rounded the corner ahead without looking back. "Get yer ass in gear!"

"All right, all right!" To my surprise, Shinji did not disengage his hand as we jogged after the other two. I expected him to recoil immediately from the contact, but his embarrassment manifested only in palpable relief when I eventually released him. I was intrigued – already Shinji was showing himself to be full of surprises. I looked forward to knowing him better.

The four of us rode the city loop until we reached the line that led to my district. I was still unfamiliar with most of the public transport system, but Shinji and the others knew it like the backs of their hands (I hoped the simile was correct) and were helpful in communicating their knowledge to me. By the end of the trip, I was thoroughly acquainted with the area we'd covered and could, with a little thought, navigate my way to many places of note in Tokyo-3.

I also discovered that I needed to improve my knowledge of colloquialisms, as Suzuhara had mentioned a 'red-light district' and the meaning was lost on me. From the conspiratorial snickers and furtive, longing glances I gathered that it was off-limits, and possibly of ill repute given the direction teenage boys' interests seemed to lie. However, the reasons and details were unknown.

It was a quick walk to the shop Aida had mentioned. I had only been past it once, and never inside, so I looked around with interest as we entered. The walls were covered with display racks, the floor crowded with trestles, and the roof hung with dozens of posters. It was crowded with after-school shoppers, mostly students and nearly all male. The shop assistants, three behind the counter and two mingling and conversing with customers, chatted fluently and convivially as they offered information, held conversations and made transactions.

Aida made a beeline for the latest releases, while Suzuhara gravitated towards a trolley advertising items at reduced prices. Shinji wandered over to a rack full of gaming magazines. After being jostled by half a dozen different people, I joined him.

"Do you play these games much?" I asked.

He looked round. "Hm? Oh, sort of. I'm not as into it as Aida is." He began flipping idly through the titles on display. "Asuka brought a set with her from Germany, I play that sometimes. When she lets me." A look crossed his face somewhere between amusement and frustration. "Of course, she never goes easy on me – I think she only lets me play it so she has another way to beat me at something."

I smirked. "Yes, that sounds like Soryu."

Shinji blinked as though he'd just realised that he was speaking out loud, and I inferred that it was unusual for him to open up to someone in this way. Trying to divert attention from his lapse in hopes that it might re-occur, I picked a random magazine from the rack and asked him if it was any good.

He looked at it, his brow furrowed slightly. "That one? Uh, I don't really know – you'd have to ask Aida." The words came easily to him – he was so insecure, so aware of his shortcomings, so eager to defer to others. He was afraid of people, for some reason that I didn't see. I felt as though I could study him for a hundred years and still not understand him.

I smiled. "I think if I were to ask Aida for information on this subject, he would talk my ear off."

Shinji chuckled, reassuring me that I had used the correct metaphor, and his automatic tension at my proximity dissolved. We looked over to where Aida, several cases in his hands and another tucked between elbow and side, was carrying on a fervent discussion with another customer and one of the assistants. There appeared to be some disagreement between himself and the store employee, while the other customer looked simply overwhelmed.

Shinji and I shared a smile, before returning our attention to the magazines we held. I reminded myself to read right-to-left, and began flicking through the glossy volume.

I noticed as I did that the majority of advertising images depicted male figures seemingly based on a common design – tough, rugged, and masculine. Perhaps this mould was intended to represent an ideal soldier; however, the use of second-person pronouns in the accompanying descriptive text indicated a marketing device. The buyer was led to unconsciously believe that if they purchased that particular game, the recognisable positive attributes of the character would then be transferred to them.

In contrast, the women pictured in advertisements were evidently designed not to create a link between the portrayed figure and a female viewer, but to catch and hold the attention of young males. They invariably conformed to Lilim standards of attractiveness, with exaggerated bodily proportions that would be anatomically impossible for real females.

My assumed persona, Kaworu Nagisa, would no doubt find such imagery engrossing. And yet, in spite of my efforts to play the part of a normal teenage boy, I found it difficult to pretend an appropriate response. I had viewed images of women who were intended to be beautiful – Boticelli's _The Birth of Venus_, Rembrandt's _Mary Magdalene _and others – and found that the marketing tools in these magazines lacked a certain requisite essentiality. In the old paintings there was a combination of realism and impressionism that enabled them to transcend the limitations of two-dimensional media, so that any viewer could recognise the inherent beauty of the subject whatever their personal tastes. The digitally created portraits in the magazine were designed to appeal to base desires, nothing more, and their synthetic artificiality repelled me reflexively.

Glancing out of the corner of my eye, I saw by the way Shinji's eyes lingered on similar images in the title he was perusing that he did not match my thoughts.

As I continued looking through the magazine I held, Suzuhara approached us. He looked rather bored.

"Yo," he said by way of greeting. "Find anything?"

"No, nothing very interesting," I replied, closing the magazine and putting it back with the others.

"I think I'll get this one," said Shinji. He went to the counter to make the transaction at the same time as Aida's discussion concluded with the purchase of several violently-titled games. Suzuhara inspected them as we left the store, and I mimicked his interest in a manner appropriate to Kaworu Nagisa.

I wondered if I ought to purchase a console and some games for myself. Money would be no object; through the SEELE middle-ranking officer who was my on-paper 'guardian', I was allocated a comfortable living allowance, with access to a generous savings account for just such requirements as those. I could research basic information to take the edge off my ignorance, and invite Shinji, Aida and Suzuhara to my apartment to help set up and test the system. Purely to assist my education in appropriate behaviour for social situations, of course – polishing my image as a typical junior high student would contribute to the success of my mission. That was all. There was no deeper motivation or meaning. I was solely concerned with completing my assignment.

Although, to tell the truth, I _had_ always considered Lilim culture to be interesting, simply due to its difference from my own. This was a new experience, and novelty was always amusing.

3. Cassandra Adrift  
_Theology bears the same relationship to religion as history does to truth, ie none to speak of._

# Speech # = electronic communications.

When I passed the park on my way home from school, the children who had been flying kites in the morning were gone. Instead, the wind now chased around university students whose classes had finished for the day. The young adults clustered on the benches and the grass, playing ball games or chatting easily, their greatest concerns the morrow's classes and assignments.

At moments like these, I could almost forget that I was destined to displace them from existence.

"Look out!"

Instinctively I turned to face the voice of alarm, and in doing so put myself directly in the path of a black and white patterned ball headed towards my face. I caught a brief glimpse of the people to whom it belonged, all watching anxiously, and leapt sideways so I could kick the ball back in the direction whence it came.

It was a simple sequence of actions, yet I gathered from the shocked expressions on the students' faces that it was not a typical response to such a situation. I noted the information and stored it for future reference: when in danger or under threat, people's reactions were less controlled and coordinated than usual, and with higher possibility for errors of judgement. Basically, humans made mistakes.

"Thank you for the warning," I said politely.

The foremost member of the group had caught the ball reflexively. "Uh, that's okay. Sorry it came at you like that."

"Hey," blurted one of his companions, "do you play in a league or something?"

"Play?" I echoed.

"Yeah, soccer. That was an awesome move!" His friends nodded and murmured in agreement.

I shook my head, mentally reviewing my knowledge of Lilim sports to gather as much information on the game as I could recall. Unfortunately I had done only cursory research into that area, and would not be able to bluff familiarity with the sport. "I do not know a great deal about soccer – I play basketball more often."

"Well, you should join a team, like at your school or something," said the first speaker. The others again voiced their accord, some adding brief anecdotes of their own similar experiences.

"Thank you, I will think about it," I said, wondering to myself whether First Junior High had a soccer team.

The group retreated, gathering around the one with the ball to continue their game. I sensed several of them casting glances after me as I left.

I mulled over the interaction as I walked, searching for propensities and dispositions I could apply to other humans. Once again it was impressed on me how pervasive was the tendency for the Lilim to be curious, even to become flustered and concerned, for the state of things outside themselves. The students I had just met were only obliged to warn me of my danger due to their complicity in it – there was no reason for them to compliment me or offer me advice, and yet they had done so. Even the pupils in class 2-A had questioned me and initiated interaction whatever attitude I presented to them. Compared with the serenity and self-interest of my siblings, the people I had met were insatiably curious. Was this interest a symptom of inner restlessness or discontent? Did it come of being flawed beings? Did the Lilim perhaps find their own existence to be of little worth as singular entities, and so look for interest and value in interactions with others?

No doubt I would learn more as I spent more time among them. Whether I would be able to reach any definitive conclusions, I could not say.

Near the periphery of the park, my attention was drawn to a man elevated above the height of the surrounding people. He spoke to a number of observers, some of whom appeared interested, others sceptical. Several looked at his clothes – reminiscent of the robes worn by Catholic priests – and questioned in muttered tones.

The abnormality of the situation occurred to me as he waved a hand, in which he clutched a Bible and a length of rosary beads. This man was Christian. Japan was a primarily Shinto nation.

This ought to be interesting.

I diverted from the path to join the cluster attending to the spectacle. The man, now revealed to be standing on the plinth of a small fountain, had a reddened face and spoke with passion, although I sensed a subsurface need for personal importance and a wish to lead and dominate others.

"The purpose of punishment is to educate!" he proclaimed. "What is a disaster, a calamity, if not the work of God? Those who do not follow His ways shall be shown their folly through holy retribution! The Lord is infinitely patient, but also divinely wrathful!"

Dear me. Quite apart from the man's arrogance at putting words into his god's mouth, he had the gall to do so when his personal faith was held by a minority in the community.

"God deigns to share His divine knowledge with us, that we may repent of our sins and join the ranks of the blessed," the man said, indicating the book he held. "Every one of us should thank the Lord for the opportunity to better ourselves! Though the message may come with fire or flood, we must recognise it for His word and rejoice!

"It is a secret of His disciples that the pain endured in this earthly existence is a blessing of God. In agony, in torture, we must smile and be grateful, for suffering is happiness! Every discomfort and injury is sweet, every harm wrought a glimpse of Paradise. Suffering itself is joy!"

"Excuse me," I interrupted.

The raving evangelist looked at me as though taken aback that somebody had interrupted him. "Yeah? What is it?"

"I believe you have made an erroneous statement," I said politely. In truth, the man's ideas seemed to me such a strange interpretation of the texts that I found it difficult to understand him.

"Huh? Who are you?" From his confusion, I gathered two distinct impressions: that he was utterly unused to being contradicted in civil terms, and that on some level he believed every word in the Bible he held to be 'erroneous'. Inwardly I sighed. When religion was hijacked and manipulated by those with self-serving agendas, the innate sincerity of belief and faith was corrupted.

"The act of suffering is not joy, otherwise it would not involve distress," I reasoned. "It is the personal growth and changing circumstances that result _from_ suffering that lead to joy, not the experience itself."

He still looked off-balance, but managed to rally enough to declare, "But – but suffering brings you closer to God!"

"It is true," I allowed, "experiencing loss or discomfort can bring one closer to their Lord, deepening or furthering one's relationship with him, but again it is the _consequences_ of suffering that bring reward." There were murmurs from the crowd around me, mostly of surprise that a teenager would consider such matters, but some understood my point.

The preacher looked lost for words. I wondered, if the concepts I was expounding were new to him, how carefully he had read the Bible he held.

"A person's experience of suffering can differ from that of their neighbour," I explained. "Some endure the trial and learn from it, growing as an individual, while others cannot move past their ordeal and fall to bitterness or despair. If the actual act of suffering were joy in itself, this would not be the case. It is a person's reaction to hardship that can be a source of happiness. The ordeal is merely the test."

There was a moment's pause after I concluded, during which I saw several people nodding. Others looked nonplussed or disinterested, as I had presented my argument with little drama or flair and they had only been present, and paying attention, due to the preacher's ebullience.

"Well … um, I … I guess … ahem…" He looked confounded, and fell into silence.

I smiled. "Suffering is joy only if one is a masochist," I offered, and had the disarming experience of making a large number of people burst into laughter. Instantly, the tone of their thoughts towards me warmed considerably. They immediately changed their opinions of me to more positive views, simply on the basis that I had said something they found humorous. Was laughter that valuable to them? Why? I did not understand.

Confused, I left the preacher where he was, and made what I knew to be a retreat. The Lilim, without even trying or thinking about it, had baffled me, and I found my confidence somewhat shaken.

I heard footsteps behind me, approaching swiftly. It would have been polite to move to the side of the path to allow the person to pass, but I stayed in the middle in an almost-unconscious experiment to see what their reaction would be. Even when I had been rebuffed in my attempts at comprehension, I would continue with my agenda to provoke people and learn from their responses.

As it turned out, my test did not occur.

"Hey there," said a voice, addressing me. I turned, and a man drew alongside, slowing his steps to match mine. He looked about thirty years old, with shaggy dark brown hair tied at the base of his neck and several days' growth of stubble adorning his chin. His shirt collar was open, the tie loosened, and sleeves rolled up past his elbows. Nevertheless there was an intensity about him that suggested he had hidden depths and demons.

I recognised him at once – Ryoji Kaji, SEELE's mole inside NERV. We had never met, and he had no idea who I was – he suspected a second agenda to SEELE and NERV's projects, but had not begun to guess at a part in it for someone like me.

"Hello," I said politely.

"Hi," he said, giving me a cheerful grin. He indicated, with a suit jacket slung over his arm, back the way we'd come. "I heard your debate with the preacher. You've got some interesting ideas, considering not many people your age think about religion or faith much."

There was more he had not said – for politeness' sake, he had stopped short of directly asking whether I was Christian. I gathered that it an unwritten rule of the Lilim, or at least polite Japanese society, not to pry into people's personal opinions or beliefs.

"I suppose it has more relevance to me than to others," I said, as we left the park and crossed the peripheral road. I refrained from explaining why this was so, though I dearly wished to give him the fright of his life. "Faith is a personal thing – it helps me create my own purpose and meaning for my life. I suppose my philosophy could be loosely considered Christian," I added, in answer to his unspoken query and in casual falsehood, "but I am reluctant to put a restrictive label on my beliefs or refine them to fit the doctrine of any one denomination."

Kaji looked intrigued. "Interesting that there's still a trade in faith, in times like these, don't you think?" A good choice of words – at once he tested both my reaction to the church being equated with business and my own religious response to the danger presented by the attacks of the Angels. He seemed adept at forming leading questions to prompt detailed answers – and this would be one of the investigative skills that had earned him his current assignment.

"People need to believe in a deeper meaning to their circumstances," I generalised. "They like to think there exists a benevolent power, an overarching reason for disaster so their suffering is not pointless."

"Yes, people like to think they're part of a grand plan," Kaji agreed, sensing that I had evaded the question and interpreting it as indecisiveness on my part.

I decided to test my earlier experience – if I could make him laugh I would ascertain how his opinion of me changed. Of course, that depended on being _able_ to make him laugh ... I was only tentatively acquainted with Lilim humour...

"I think religion is very relevant at this time," I said. "After all, are we not fighting Angels?"

As he chuckled responsively, I attuned my senses to his emotions regarding me. As I had predicted, what had previously been curiosity immediately warmed, to something like fondness. Simply by making a comment he found amusing (a minor triumph in itself), I had raised myself in his esteem to a person whose words he would consider, somebody to whom he had granted an amount of respect.

I decided, in that moment, that I needed to learn how to laugh in order to understand its power over the Lilim. I had experienced amusement, had a basic outline of humour, but had not _laughed_.

"True," said Kaji, drawing my attention back to the moment. "The churches are having a hard time explaining that one. I'm Ryoji Kaji," he added unexpectedly, with a cordial bow.

"Kaworu Nagisa, nice to meet you," I responded, bowing in my turn.

"Same here." With a gesture he invited me to walk with him. "Say Kaworu, I was about to go for noodles – I know this great shop nearby. Care to join me?"

It occurred to me, as Kaji awaited my answer, that cultivating an acquaintance with this man might have its benefits. I could keep an extra eye on him – spy on the spy, as it were.

"I would like that," I smiled.

As he led me to his chosen restaurant, he continued to question me, although in a polite and casual manner that would not seem intrusive to a normal person. "So, Nagisa, you from around here?"

"Actually, I recently moved from Germany," I said. "I lived with my uncle, but he has become ill and wished to return to Japan, his place of birth, to enter a nursing home." As an exercise in telling lies, a behaviour that seemed second nature to the Lilim, I found my own tale to be interesting. I had indeed been raised (or at least kept) by Keel in Germany, and he had fallen ill recently; however the momentary lapse was swiftly amended with repairs to his artificial attachments, and his secluded, militaristic estate was hardly a 'nursing home'.

"Where are your parents?" Kaji asked.

"They are dead," I said, adopting a mien of long-endured grief. "I was young when they were killed in the aftermath of Second Impact – my uncle took me in." Again, a lie; my progenitor Adam was not dead, merely imprisoned in Bakelite, the case which Kaji himself had recently couriered to Japan.

"Oh … I'm sorry," said Kaji, and I sensed genuine empathy from him. Before he could press me further, I forestalled him with a question of my own.

"What of yourself?" I attempted to project the appearance of one avoiding a painful subject by deflecting attention to another person.

"Well, there's not much to say," he said, shrugging. "I've been in Japan for a few years, I work in an office, live alone … I'm an orphan, too, so that's something we have in common," he added, giving me a crooked smile that expressed his understanding of the pain of losing family.

"Yes, something in common." Suddenly, I felt uncomfortable at having engaged his empathy with a lie, pretending emotions he felt genuinely.

"Here we are," he said suddenly, gesturing to the restaurant nearest us. He pushed the door open and gestured for me to precede him in.

It was a cheap place; tokenistic attempts had been made at traditional decoration, but a slapdash, makeshift appearance prevailed. An impression of grubbiness adorned every surface, suggesting that the health inspector had been distracted during their visit, and the quality of construction and maintenance reflected the low prices on the menu.

"Trust me, it's better than it looks," Kaji murmured in my ear, making the skin itch where his breath tickled it. I rubbed at the irritation absently.

"I will take your word for it," I acceded, and cast my eyes over the menu.

"Order whatever you like, I'll treat," Kaji offered.

"Treat?" I echoed. When did the noun for a small indulgence become a verb?

"Treat – I'll pay for you," Kaji explained. "Japanese isn't your native language, is it?" He made an expression somewhere between a smile and a smirk, his emotions reflecting fond amusement.

A human, treating an Angel with condescension!

"No, it is not," I replied brusquely, feeling an unexpected stream of resentment towards Ryoji Kaji. He blinked in surprise at my curtness, realising that he had offended me.

"Sorry," he said promptly. "Didn't mean to seem like I was patronising you."

"You need not pretend an apology," I returned tartly. "Covering the cost of my meal shall suffice."

He laughed again, his opinion of me climbing higher. He seemed impressed that I had seen through his careless reparation, as well as appreciating my solution to his affront. "I guess that'd make us square," he agreed. "So next time you won't owe me one."

Discovering that Kaji desired to pursue our acquaintance softened my annoyance with him. "Indeed. Next time," I concurred. When he offered me a smile, I found myself returning it easily. It seemed I had just acquired something like a friend.

The last of the birds' songs were fading and the evening crickets taking their place as I reached my apartment. The sun approached the horizon quicker every minute, its refracted rays creating an appearance of warm colour across the western sky. Although the reds, yellows and pinks were dramatic, I found little to delight in. How could one be inspired to poetry by the collision of ultra-violet rays with the haze of pollution that hung over the city?

I was aware that a human would say I was missing the point, but as an Angel I was accustomed to seeing inner beauty in the things I admired. A sunset in the countryside, though less prismatic, would be pure.

Once inside my two-room apartment, I dropped my schoolbag on the kitchen table and put the kettle on. There was one thing I could say for my 'Uncle': he knew how to make good tea. I had come to like the drink, for its myriad purposes, to the point of forming emotional associations. After Sachiel, the Third Angel, was destroyed by Unit 01 and his pain had been transmitted to me, I had drunk a hot, strong herbal blend to restore my inner strength. When I had attended a church service at the 'age' of six and frightened an old woman into hysterics by accidentally allowing myself to glow, I had downed several cups of white, sweetened English tea that soothed my own trepidation.

Coffee, on the other hand, I drank rarely. It reacted strangely with my metabolism and I found myself full of irrepressible energy. A bizarre effect.

As the water in the kettle heated, I picked up the telephone. The landline from my apartment was secured, since it would be effectively disastrous if NERV's intelligence bureau overheard my conversations with Keel, so I had to wait while the call went through a number of encryptions and blind alleys. By the time it started ringing, I was stirring a piping hot mug of green tea.

# Tabris. #

"Uncle," I responded. As usual, Keel's voice was curt and grumpy – he had long ago settled into a dissatisfied attitude with the world in general.

# What's your status? #

"Delighted. Humans have always interested me, but living among them is something quite new." I held the phone between shoulder and ear as I spoke, imitating some of the people I had seen whilst navigating Tokyo-3.

Keel sounded annoyed, even in comparison to his usual irritability. # According to my information, the school day finished five hours ago. Why did you leave your report so long? #

As I began to answer, an entirely inappropriate memory came to surface of my thoughts – in the restaurant where Kaji and I had eaten, a young couple had been arguing melodramatically. She was interrogating him for the reason why he had waited "so long" to telephone her, and however he defended himself and protested innocence she accused him of suspicious activities, of deceptions and lies. An image of her angry face came to mind – cheeks flushed, makeup obnoxiously strong, tangled hair falling out of its net – and was superimposed on my mental picture of Keel, sitting stiffly at his desk, holding the receiver to his ear with a mechanical hand.

And … I laughed.

4. Communion  
_Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip round the sun._

- **speech -** = Angels' telepathy.

# Is work getting you down? The grind of the rat race sapping your soul? Feel like you need a break? Well, take the phone – and your mind – off the hook today! Whether it's a relaxing self-indulgence trip or an invigorating adventure package, Kanno Travel can help you plan the perfect getaway. Whatever your needs, call Kanno Travel today… #

The woman narrating the advertisement wore an assumed smile, attempting to convey a cheerful, friendly attitude. She was hampered, however, both by subsurface anxieties and by the inflexiblity of the plastic surgery shaping her face.

The Lilim were not all easy to read, but my natural empathy enabled me to perceive the complexity and layers of people's personalities. Some, such as my peers in class 2-A, were multifaceted and interesting enough to warrant investigation. Others, like the woman in the advertisement, were simply not worth the bother of looking deeper.

I found it peculiar that a travel agency could have a successful business in times like these. I would have expected that the Lilim would be too fearful to roam far from their homes, making the sustenance of such an industry not viable. Perhaps this, like the large number of weddings, was another symptom of the widespread, unconscious perception that time was running out – people grasped for happiness and gratification in a kind of desperate bid to ward off despair. In the same way, the teenagers in my class the day prior to yesterday had seemed determined to enjoy their physical education lesson and the games they played at recess, as if they thought it might be the last thing they did…

It did not take me long to hike up the side of Mt Asama. The trails were clear – most of the tourists chose to relax in the hot springs. Only a few preferred to reach for refreshment themselves, rather than await it amid steaming pools of luxury. I thought I might try out the hot springs for myself, but that would have to wait. For the moment, my attention was occupied.

**- tabris…? why are you here? -**

"Because you are here," I answered him. "I have not seen you since the Dispersal."

**- but why now? you are the last -**

I smiled. "Surely you know me better than that, brother," I said. "Why else but to learn from your mistakes, and those of our siblings, before I succeed in my own time?"

In the volcano crater below me, I sensed Sandalphon shift in agitation. He was in his embryonic state at the moment, and although several hundred feet of lava separated us I knew he had a similar appearance to that of our progenitor, Adam. Neither was currently complete; Adam's physical form had been subjugated within Bakelite, while Sandalphon was gathering his energy and still forming his Earthly shape. Hence, his drowsiness and confusion.

**- you will not assist me? -**

"Of course not," I said bluntly. "Has it escaped your recollection, in your half-grown state, that we fight alone? We come to them to make our attempts one after another. We are brothers, Sandalphon, but not allies."

**- one by one … then you are early, little brother -**

"We each chose our own place to await our time. I chose to take human form and to mingle with the Lilim. You chose to sleep in this volcano. Which is better?"

**- mine, of course -**

I laughed lightly, enjoying the refreshing, invigorating action as much as Sandalphon's sulky self-assurance. "Ah, but you, brother, you have never laughed."

**- i do not understand -**

"Of course not," I said, with just a lacing of scorn. He heard it, though, and knew I mocked his ignorance. I felt tremors through my feet as he stirred in anger, indignation penetrating the dull warmth of his cocoon. His disturbance was enough to alert the Lilim at the survey point on the opposite rim; I saw them checking their instruments and consulting one another worriedly.

**- fool … you are young and ignorant … you have no respect -**

"I choose not to give respect where I do not believe it is due. That is my freedom. Now," and I turned from the crater's edge, "go back to sleep. You should rest before your battle."

**- battle? -**

"Yes, battle. You have alarmed the Lilim with your moodiness."

**- tabris … you would leave me to face them alone? -**

Who would have thought – my big, strong brother asking for reassurance. I cast a glance back to the lava in which he dwelt, and was surprised to hear gentleness in my voice as I answered. "Yes, Sandalphon. We are all alone against the Lilim."

**- very well -**

I did not bid him farewell; neither did I express any hope for his forthcoming struggle. What hope could I offer, when I knew that he would fail? According to the Dead Sea Scrolls, the plan was against him. But to tell Sandalphon of his imminent death would prompt him to despair. It would be … inhumane.

The people of NERV were swift to react. Before I had reached a certain flat rock further down the trail they had mobilised a preliminary team to investigate; by the time I had stretched out in the sun and had a brief nap they had determined Sandalphon's identity.

The hot springs were quickly emptied; I saw NERV agents herding people out of the building and thence away from the site. When I listened for their thoughts I was amused to hear the pompous indignation of a middle-aged couple candidly punctured by the three magic words: "There's an Angel." The expressions on their faces and in their thoughts were simply charming.

"Hey! What are you doing here?"

I looked around. A woman was addressing me from a jeep that had stopped just opposite my rock. My memory identified her as Captain Misato Katsuragi, head of operations at NERV.

"Oh, I'm sorry. Is something happening?"

The man with the long hair, sitting in the back seat of the car, blurted out before the captain could answer, "Didn't you hear? There's an Angel nearby!" Shigeru Aoba, I recalled.

I wondered what they would say if I told them that it was I who had awoken the Angel, or that I could destroy him by myself if I so desired.

"This area's being sealed off and evacuated," Doctor Ritsuko Akagi informed me from the passenger seat. There was agitation in her voice and expression, but nonetheless she projected an aura of competence and rationality.

"You have to get out of here as quickly as you can!" The younger woman in the back seat, Lieutenant Maya Ibuki, supported her superior; the no-nonsense attitude she presented did not hide her deep respect and admiration for Dr Akagi.

"Oh, no!" I exclaimed, trying to neither laugh nor over-act. "Don't worry, I will leave immediately."

Capt Katsuragi hesitated for a moment, then leaned across Dr Akagi and opened the left-hand side door. "Get in," she commanded.

"Captain Katsuragi!" snapped Dr Akagi admonishingly. "We don't have time to be running a carpool service!"

"It'll get him down the mountain much faster and we can be back up here in no time," the other woman argued. Lowering her voice so she thought I wouldn't be able to hear (and had I been human, her judgement would have been correct), she added, "Besides, it's better than leaving a civilian unsupervised in a military-controlled area. This way we can make sure he doesn't hang around, trying to see what happens."

So I would not be able to witness Shinji, Soryu and Ayanami in action. Oh well, there would be plenty of time for that later – there were eight of our siblings between Sandalphon and I.

"Oh no, please, I don't want to trouble you," I protested, the very picture of a humble Japanese student.

"Don't worry about it," said the man wearing glasses – Makoto Hyuga, if memory served (which it always did). "With the way Captain Katsuragi drives, it won't take any time at all." He said this in a completely deadpan tone of voice, yet his subject glared at him as though he was teasing her.

"We don't need that sort of comment right now," she said repressively, then turned once more to me. "Kid, just get in."

A strong impression reached me that Capt Katsuragi, although intense and focused when in dangerous circumstances, was at other times cheerful and even flippant. I sensed that at the moment she was suppressing a joking rejoinder, pushing what must be her usual light-hearted attitude aside to concentrate on the mission.

With an appearance of meek fear, I jogged over to the car and slid into the seat between the two women. The wheels of the jeep spun as Capt Katsuragi turned it in a tight circle, and I was obliged to grab the dashboard to prevent myself from sprawling over Dr Akagi. This was fun!

We pelted down the mountainside, the captain somehow maintaining control and keeping us on the road, albeit not all four wheels at a time. I braced myself with one hand, scrambling to do up my seatbelt with the other. Although Dr Akagi's expression was pained and I heard Lt Ibuki shrieking intermittently from the back seat, I couldn't help grinning. There were some things about inhabiting a human body that were superior to my true form, and experiencing an adrenaline rush was one of them.

As the trail became well worn and better made, and the ride smoother, I twisted round in my seat to address the three in the back. Lt Aoba was making no effort to free himself from Lt Ibuki's anxious grip on his arm, hanging onto the frame with his free hand to secure their positions with a look of resignation on his countenance. Lt Hyuga was grinning in unabashed enjoyment.

"You are here to fight the Angel, are you not?" I said, as if I did not know the answer already.

Lt Hyuga nodded. "Yeah, that's our job." His grin changed to one of good-natured nervousness, and I saw that despite all attempts at professionalism and nonchalance, he was passionate about his role and duties. Probably something to do with that human propensity for 'saving the world.' Interesting, how the vast majority of the Lilim yearned for fame and importance, for hero status, and yet Shinji seemed so reluctant to seize what others (notably his friend Aida) saw as an enviable opportunity. Ayanami also seemed indifferent to the glory of her role, but at least I understood why that should be so. Shinji, as yet, was still a puzzle to me in that respect.

However, as far as my present companions were aware, I was just a normal fourteen-year-old boy.

"Does that mean the Evangelions will come?" I asked of Lt Hyuga, adopting what I considered a respectable impression of awe.

He nodded, his eyes on Capt Katsuragi. "Yeah, they're on their way. They're the only things strong enough to beat the Angels, y'know."

"Wow…" I almost made myself laugh with my feigned veneration. As it was, I was compelled to invent an appropriate explanation for my involuntary smile. "Will you wish them good luck from me, please? Shinji, Ayanami and Soryu, I mean."

Dr Akagi's hand clamped around my bicep. "How did you know they're the pilots?" she demanded.

I affected shock and fear at her action, widening my eyes both to further this deception and because I knew humans found their blood-red colour disturbing. "Everybody knows they are," I said. "Everybody in our class, anyway, and nearly everybody at our school. Suzuhara suggested that only 'weirdos' are chosen to be Eva pilots." I offered a tremulous smile. "Shinji did not disagree with him…"

"You're in their class? Class 2-A?"

"But they're on a field trip," said Capt Katsuragi. Both she and Dr Akagi frowned, although for different reasons. The captain was merely wondering why I was not also on the excursion, but the doctor was aware of the implications of my placement in that particular class. She had deduced that I was a fourth-level candidate for the position of Eva pilot, as selected by the so-called Marduke Institute – although she was unaware (how could she know?) that I had been chosen for that duty the moment I took human form nearly fifteen years ago. If she realised that a mere child knew more about the inner workings of SEELE than she, her reaction would no doubt be very interesting indeed.

Once again, I was forced to suppress my curiosity regarding the results of a few choice words. Now was not the time to make that kind of revelation.

"I only just transferred into their class," I explained to Capt Katsuragi. "There was no time to make any arrangements for me to accompany them to Okinawa."

"Oh!" she said suddenly, spinning the wheel as the jeep hurtled around a corner. "You must be Kaworu Nagisa, then. Shinji and Asuka told me about you."

"Yes, I am. I met Shinji and Soryu the day before yesterday." Recalling the attractions of the field trip, I added, "It's a pity I could not go on the trip – I would have liked to go scuba diving."

A smile crossed her face that suggested she was familiar with the appeal of that particular activity, and I inferred that one of her charges had expressed similar interest. I sensed her distrust towards me dissolve and knew that I had validated myself in her eyes. Well, that would make my acceptance at NERV easier when I was eventually chosen as a pilot.

The jeep fled downwards, the path levelling out as it approached the bottom of the volcanic mountain. I could make out the sounds of people talking in loud voices, giving orders and asking questions. It appeared that I was among the last civilians to leave the site, as the main building was dominated by soldiers in uniform. As we approached, a contingent broke away from the main group and piled into a pair of nearby jeeps, preparing to head up the mountain.

Capt Katsuragi pulled to a screeching halt by the double doors leading to the reception area.

"All right, this is your stop," she said to me. Dr Akagi opened the door and got out ahead of me, stumbling just a bit as her feet hit the ground. I slid across in my own turn, landing fairly and moving away quickly to allow Dr Akagi to return to the jeep.

"Goodbye!" I called, as Capt Katsuragi spun the wheels. "Good luck!"

Twisting around in his seat, Lt Hyuga gave me a thumbs-up sign and a grin, before the captain's driving forced him to grab onto the frame to secure himself. For a moment the departing jeep was visible, racing back up the path, before the dust cloud it kicked up obscured it from my view.

"Oi, what's a kid like you still doing here?"

Someone grabbed my arm in a rough grip. I turned and found a young man glaring at me, obviously in a state of considerable excitement. I put on my best innocent face, concealing the detached interest I felt for the coming battle.

"Captain Katsuragi brought me down here," I said, glancing around as though overwhelmed by events. Mentally I catalogued details to pass on to Keel later.

"Well, this area's off-limits to civilians," he responded self-importantly. He strode towards the exit, compelling me along with his hand around my arm. His fingers encircled my bicep, nearly overlapping, and it occurred to me that my human form was of a slenderer build than that of many other Lilim. I wondered if this fact would give a normal person cause for vanity.

As we walked, the other soldiers appeared to complete their organisation, and many departed for the camp that had been set up on the crater rim. A skeleton guard was left to patrol the reception and keep noncombatants from the area.

Out the main doors, the road was deserted save for a pair of sentries with holstered rifles. They immediately moved to ready their weapons when the door opened, but paused when they saw a lieutenant and an apparently harmless boy.

"At ease," said my companion, and the privates slung their rifles back over their shoulders, returning their attention to the road.

The lieutenant gave me a slight shove as he released me, with a command to leave the area and a vague gesture to the nearby payphone. He marched back into the reception building, the doors shutting behind him and articulating the tension of the situation.

"Well, no problems here," I murmured to myself. The NERV agents had conducted themselves correctly according to the training manual, following all the procedures despite the fact that their enemy was something entirely alien to the rulebook. I nodded politely at the sentries as I passed them on my way over to the payphone, receiving just the slightest motion of the chin in return.

Unfortunately there were no coins in my pockets.

I made a mental note to myself to start carrying some money wherever I went. I had observed, and now had experienced for myself, that many doors opened in the presence of wealth and closed in its absence. That was one of the most basic rules of Lilim culture. Today I had bought a return ticket for the bus from Tokyo-3 to Mt Asama, neglecting to take extra funds. Neither did I have a prepaid card for public telephones.

Oh, well. I would walk back to my apartment and contact Keel from there.

As I headed off along the road, I was addressed for the third time that day. "Hey, kid!"

I turned around to find the nearer sentry looking at me. "Yes?"

"Where're you going? Isn't anyone going to pick you up?"

"The buses back to the city have been cancelled," I said, "and I have no money for the payphone." I turned out my pockets – not even a wallet. I put that on my list of items to acquire.

The sentry hesitated for a moment, casting a quick glance at his companion, before gesturing me towards him. Holding his rifle in place, he fumbled in his own pockets as I approached, finally withdrawing a hand clenched around a number of small objects.

"Here," he said, selecting some coins and extending them towards me. "Do you have someone you can call who'll come pick you up?"

I blinked in surprise. He was offering me funds that he had worked for himself? "Well, yes, but are you certain you wish me to take your money? I have nothing to exchange for it…"

He waved a hand carelessly. "Nah, don't worry about it, it's just enough for a phone call. I don't have enough on me to get you a taxi, though."

This was unexpected. "Thank you," I almost stammered, accepting the coins he pressed into my hands.

"It's nothing. Just take care, all right kid?" He grinned cheerfully and I found myself returning the expression, before he straightened to duty once more and I made my way over to the payphone.

I had never utilised one of these devices, but there were instructions printed on the wall beside it that I could follow easily enough. I noticed that they were at the ideal height for someone of my stature to read; an adult would be obliged to lower their head. Perhaps the person responsible for their placement considered children to be most likely in need of instruction. Or perhaps they were short themselves.

As I inserted the coins and dialled Keel's private number, I considered the human behaviour I had witnessed throughout the day. Previously, I had noticed tendencies for my Lilim cousins to be interested in things other than themselves, but the sentry's donation of funds (and, to a lesser degree, Capt Katsuragi's transport) had been my first experience with generosity. There had been no reason for the soldier to concern himself in my situation, nor to offer assistance without expecting anything in return. I concluded, as the telephone connected and began to ring, that I had just beheld that human quality known as kindness.

Omake (Extra). Distorted Paradigms  
_My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely._

**The First Child:**

Is it normal to wonder if your emotions are your own? To be unsure whether what you are feeling comes from your own heart? I do not understand … why do I feel as though there is a part of me that is not me?

There are intangible whispers in the back of my mind; as I listen for them they fade beyond recall. When I wring out a washcloth into a bucket, the motions are automatic. I don't know that it is the most efficient way to do it, but my hands do. When I synchronise with Unit 01 I feel as though my mind and soul extend beyond the body that houses them. I can almost see and almost feel the manifestation that is somebody else and yet is also a being I recognise as myself.

Why do I care for the Commander? For Shinji Ikari? Why do I feel and think these things?

The Commander … he oversees me, but he did not really raise me. I have been on my own for as long as I can remember. He looks after me, shows concern for me, but how much of that is care for the individual that is Rei Ayanami? I am the only one he looks at, but I am no longer certain whether he sees me, or somebody else. He is connected to that other part of me, that presence that is not myself.

When I speak with the Commander, I feel … purpose. While my life is not of significant value, the fact that he finds value in it leads me to think that perhaps there is a reason for my existence. I feel the need to depend on him in order to recognise it myself, even if he is using me as I begin to suspect.

Shinji Ikari … I do not understand him. He can be strong, but weak; powerful, yet helpless; certain, and at the same time unsure. Of the people I know he is the only one who does not see me as a tool, a pilot, above my existence as a human being – he makes me feel as though I, as a person, am worth something, independent of use or purpose. He told me that as long as we stay alive, some day we would be glad that we survived; and for the first time I feel that there are reasons to value life. I think … I think he is my friend.

And yet, a part of me is aware that not everything I feel for these two stems from my own interaction and experiences with them. Something else, when I think about them or speak with them … something like … tenderness? Affection? I do not know why this is. I do not know where I end, and where the presence-that-is-not-me begins. This doubt troubles me. I wish to create my own meaning, my own reason for existing, my own justification for my life, but this cannot be while I am uncertain whether the relationships between others and myself have been made by somebody else. I feel that there are two hearts within me, and my interactions with other people may be based upon the feelings in either one; the invisible bonds between myself and the people I know may have been forged by me or the one who is not me. I cannot trust my own feelings … and so I disregard them.

The boy Nagisa said that I withdraw from interaction because I feel myself to be different, incompatible. This is true; but I do not understand how he can know so much about me even though we have just met. Am I becoming transparent? Are my feelings that easy to read? If they are … what if the others can also read them? I do not want them to know me; I do not want them to see my insecurity, my loneliness. If Ikari were to discover what I am truly like, I am sure he would reject me, push me away, and although I have only just realised that he and I are close this possibility seems to me to be … upsetting.

I care for Shinji Ikari. He seems distracted by the pilot of Unit 02, but I find that for the first time I am experiencing hope – hope that he will not forget me. And this … this feeling is my own.

**The Second Child:**

They're wrong. They're all wrong. Misato, Kaji, and _especially_ that idiot Shinji. They think they know me, they think they understand me, but they don't. Nobody knows me – the real me – and nobody, _nobody_ understands me.

Of course I behave myself when I'm around grown-ups. Who doesn't? It's just manners, and politeness. There's nothing strange or dishonest about it. But naturally, Misato has to complicate things. When I'm being nice she says I'm acting, and when I'm friendly she says I'm forcing myself to be a good girl. And then she has the _nerve_ to talk about my foster parents, as if she knows anything! She doesn't understand – I'm not pretending! It just seems like that because of the way I talk to Toji, Aida and Shinji. But they deserve it! I mean, they're a bunch of stooges! I'm only rude to people who deserve it.

I don't dislike Misato, I respect her and everything, it's just … I get annoyed by people who think they're better than others. But still! That doesn't mean I'm going to be rude to her, or not behave myself when she's around – that'd just be discourteous.

Shinji said that it was unnatural. He said I act like a goody-two-shoes in front of Misato and Kaji. _He_ said that! When _he's_ the one who's always so obedient – the Great Third Child, everybody's hero! What a dork! He thinks just 'cause he got a good synch score the first time he piloted an Eva that makes him better than everybody else, and he can go and preach to everyone from his high horse. Well, _I'm_ not buying into it. He's just a stupid little kid who doesn't even understand himself, let alone me, and I'm much more complicated than he is – it's hard not to be, considering he's got all the emotional depth of a plastic cup. I know myself. I'm mature.

…I just wish Kaji believed that.

I think that's what hurts me the most. I told him I loved him – I told him that my heart belonged to him, and I never wanted anybody else. I opened up to him, and he … he just pushed me right back down. He thinks I'm a kid. He thinks I don't know my own feelings. He thinks I don't know what he's really like, and that I'm just idolising him. He doesn't respect my judgement … and that hurts.

What will it take to convince him? I _do_ love him! I have ever since I met him. He's so handsome, and charming, and brave and wonderful. It's not just a crush, I know it's the real thing! But when he looks at me, he doesn't see the truth. He doesn't see me. He sees a child. And I hate that.

He does it, too. He thinks I switch personalities whenever there's an adult around, that whenever I'm nice to him, or Misato, or whenever I address a grown-up – like the commanders – with deference it's because I'm acting like a good little girl. Like I don't really respect anyone, I just pretend to. I don't get it … what makes them think that? I thought the Japanese were really big on being courteous – why is it different when I do it? They've all got the wrong idea.

Except … something Nagisa said during PE the other day. That I feel like I need to prove I exist and I'm worthy of respect. Nagisa's a rude jerk, but he kind of had a point. It's like what I said to Shinji – if people acknowledge my accomplishments, then that's enough to make me happy. I mean, I don't go fishing for compliments or anything – I don't _need_ people's admiration, I don't need anyone except myself! I just … I don't want people to look at me with disapproval. So I try to do well, to be the best, and I'm polite to people whose opinions matter.

I think … I also treat grown-ups with respect because I want to grow up. I want to be independent, and to look after myself, and to only rely on myself. When I'm an adult that'll be it, no more following other people's orders. I'll be my own boss, I'll be in charge of my own life. If I fall down I won't have anybody to pick me up again … not that I ever have. I'm the only person I can depend on. I've always stood on my own two feet, ever since Mama died … I've always had to take care of myself. Shinji said that I'm just a kid, like everyone else, but what does _he_ know? I've never been a kid – I grew up a long time ago. I can't go running to anyone. I only have myself, and that's fine by me.

**The Third Child:**

My name is Shinji Ikari, and I'm the pilot of Eva Unit 01.

I'm still not sure I know all the meanings and consequences of this fact – I can't say whether it means I'm a good person, or what people think of me because of it, or if it'll give me more confidence in myself. I don't know for certain if I'd have any worth as a person, any purpose in my life, without it. But I try not to let that bother me too much.

The first time I piloted Eva, a lot of people were hurt because I wasn't careful enough about what I was doing. I've gotten better since then, so hopefully I won't injure anybody, but that doesn't make it any better for the people who suffered. I don't mean to hurt anybody, but I do. So I can understand why Toji was mad at me, even if he did apologise later. Piloting the Eva doesn't make me any better than anyone else.

But I guess it's a bit of a conversation piece, being the Third Child. When my classmates first discovered I was the Eva's pilot everyone was asking so many questions – I wasn't used to that much attention. Even now, when they're pretty much used to it, my job gives me a way to connect with people. Asuka and I can always find something to talk about – or at least argue about – and I think I'm actually becoming friends with Ayanami. Kensuke finds out heaps of stuff from his dad, so he tells me what he knows and together we fill in the blanks. And Toji … well, we got off to a bad start, but we're friends now. Plus Misato took me in, and she's been treating me less like a subordinate and more like a cross between a little brother and adopted son. We're almost like a family. I guess, because of my job, you could call me a people person … sort of.

Although … I can't help thinking about what Kaworu told me. I thought I'd been learning to open up to people, to care about them and accept that maybe they cared for me – on a surface level, at least. But when he said I keep others at a distance I knew it was true. I _don't_ want to be betrayed again, not after what my father did, so I don't let people get under my skin. Maybe Misato would care about me if I stopped piloting Eva, maybe she wouldn't. I don't know, and I'm too afraid to find out. I just don't have the confidence in myself to want to put it to the test. And … I guess I am lonely, but the fact that I can interact with people, with Asuka, Misato, Ayanami, Toji, Kensuke and the rest … even if it doesn't really mean anything, it's enough for me.

I don't think I've been walking tall or anything since I started piloting the Eva. It hasn't given me a huge confidence boost to be controlling a powerful robot – actually I think I'm less sure of myself. If I fail or mess up, it's not just me who takes the consequences, it's all of mankind, and that scares me so much sometimes I don't want to breathe or blink in case everything comes crashing down. That's just paranoia, of course – there's no way I'm really that important or influential. But it's difficult enough just living my own life without having the fate of humanity hanging over my head. I'm coping, though … mostly.

Piloting the Eva is the most important thing in my life – it defines who I am. I wouldn't be anyone special without it. These days it's difficult to think about anything, to make even the smallest plans, without considering the fact that my after-school job is saving the world. I didn't volunteer for it – I didn't want to pilot that thing – but I guess it's still my decision. At the start I needed my dad's approval, and I honestly didn't want Ayanami to be hurt, but I could still have walked away. And I'm not nobly risking my life for others; I was only pretending to be selfless to make myself feel better. I told myself that they should forgive me for being weak and clumsy because I was saving their lives, suffering and striving for _them_. But it was just a load of bull. The Eva doesn't validate my existence or excuse my mistakes, however comforting the idea is. I'm not a martyr.

I think the reasons I pilot Eva will keep changing. Right now I do it partly because it makes me feel needed, and partly because there are things I do want to protect. And … and then there's my dad. Just to hear him acknowledge me, tell me I've done well … it'd make it all worthwhile.

So maybe it's a bit selfish. But they're my reasons, and they're the best I've got. Maybe one day I'll be able to get into the Eva and fight for lofty ideals, like hope and love and the future. Maybe eventually I'll have a clean conscience. Until then, I'm all there is of myself.

My name is Shinji Ikari, and I'm not a hero. I'm just … me.

5. Sublime Absurdity  
_The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face._

The man overseeing the security cameras saw only a figure in uniform. I was not much shorter than some of the men who worked at the power station, and the uniforms were easily obtained from an industrial supplier. Of course, if I actually encountered a person they would see that my human form was only fourteen years old, but I had familiarised myself sufficiently with the security guards' routines to avoid their patrols. The hat I wore, and the inferior picture quality of the surveillance cameras, made my youth invisible to anyone watching via electronic means.

All in all, it was a relatively easy mission.

I did not know the reason SEELE required electrical power to Tokyo-3 to be cut off at this point, nor had I been told what other arrangements had been made for this incident. As always, I operated on a need-to-know basis. Since the machinations of the Committee were of little interest to me, I did not fret at this.

I had committed the various maps of the facility to memory, and could find my way around easily. It had surprised me to discover early on the gaps between two-dimensional imagery and three-dimensional experience, but the hurdle was soon overcome.

"Yo!"

Instinctively I retreated into an area of mottled shadow, concentrating on the direction whence the hail came. Discovery already?

"Akihiro, how ya doin'?"

"Not so bad, Motou – how's yourself?"

I let out the breath I had been holding. The sound of steps and voices grew fainter as the two men continued their rounds, and I waited a moment before resuming my quest.

It was only a few minutes' walk to the main control centre, although the detours and pauses I was obliged to take as I hid from the guards and remaining crew made the journey longer. The people I passed were relaxed and unsuspicious, and I reached my goal without causing a fuss and with nearly three hundred seconds to spare in my schedule.

Keel had provided me with blueprints of the primary systems, but they were hardly necessary. The switch was in the 'on' position; I was required to turn it 'off'. A formidable intellect was not requisite.

A human undertaking this task would require various specialised tools to bypass the numerous security checkpoints, but I disabled them with a thought. Unfortunately, I discovered when alarms went off all around me that this more direct approach was not to be advised.

Lights blared and spun, wailing horns broadcast their disapproval, and, louder in my ears than any electronic cacophony, men could be heard running and shouting. I frowned and made a mental note to, in future, research beforehand the consequences of all likely courses of action in a mission.

A moment's concentration afforded the disabling of the power grid; instantly every light in the area went out and the alarms ceased their high-decibel complaints with appropriate suddenness. There were noises of surprise further down the corridor, and I gathered from various crashes and thuds that several men had fallen. My pursuit was close behind; it was time to make an exit.

As the guards making their way to my area turned on their flashlights and resumed their hunt, I removed the cover from a narrow ventilation duct above my head and climbed into it. There was just enough room that I could reach behind me and replace the screen before making my way to the outside of the building.

I realised, as I crawled through the duct, that the pounding in my ears did not originate from an outside source, but was due to the increased speed of my heartbeats. Not only that, but my hands were shaking and I was breathing faster. I felt keyed up and alert, ready for instantaneous action and reaction – although the appropriateness of my response could not be depended on.

For the first time in my recollection, when placed in a stressful situation where mistakes were costly, I was nervous.

Unfortunately, I could not afford the concentration necessary to examine and understand this situation; it was necessary that I focus my attention outwards, in order to escape the building without being detected by any of the guards or crew. The pandemonium began to subside as I slowly navigated the ventilation system of the building, but there were still a large number of people moving around unpredictably. This would cause me some trouble later on, when I was out in the open.

I wondered what Keel would say when I gave my report. No doubt he would be sternly disappointed – I might even be punished. Keel could be very … creative with his reprisals. For a man terminally disinterested in the potential for happiness and comfort in life, he retained a distasteful comprehension of the corresponding opportunities for disturbance and pain.

Despite the tension I was evidently experiencing, the minutes seemed to pass quickly as I crawled through the power station. I had heard the Lilim comment on this phenomenon previously – "time flies when you're busy" – but had not fully appreciated it. The fact that I perceived the passage of time to have quickened due to the level of attention and activity at which I was functioning made me slightly uneasy. As with my earlier, undesirable response to an anxious situation, I had unconsciously slipped into human patterns of thought, behaviour, and even physiology. Why was this? Was it due to living among them for a prolonged period of time? Was I becoming sympathetic to them? I did not understand, and it caused me such inner turmoil I had to force myself several times to attend to what was happening around me.

Finally, I reached the outer wall of the building. I glimpsed daylight through the slats in the screen separating the ventilation duct from the outside, and drew closer to it so I could see through the small gap to the area beyond.

I had aimed for a carpark at the rear of the facility, where the lot backed onto a series of apartment blocks. The time of day and distance from centres of activity suggested that the place should be relatively free of people. I sighed in relief when I detected no visible or mental signs of activity in the area, and made to complete my escape.

The cover of the ventilation duct was readily removed; although it emerged on the second story of the building, a number of crates had been stacked against the wall and I could lower myself onto these without fuss in order to replace the screen.

It was a simple matter to alight from the piled-up boxes. However, there was an expanse of empty ground between the power station and the nearest cover. I would have to run until I had reached a proximity to the apartment blocks that would explain my presence as having 'gone for a walk'. Casting my senses around me, I found no humans within a suitable distance. I ran.

An adrenaline rush caught me by surprise as I sprinted away from the building. My feet flew across the grass, wind tugging at my hair and clothes. Even with air rushing past my ears and my attention devoted to detecting nearby Lilim, I was intensely aware of my heart racing against my ribs, sending blood pulsing through veins that suddenly felt too narrow for their volume. My lungs grabbed all the air I could drag down my throat; every effort I made was at once all too easy and all I was capable of. I felt both invulnerable and impossibly fragile. I was alert, wary to the point of fear, and at the same time elated. Even when I knew I could slow down, I wanted to keep running forever.

In between the apartment blocks, I dropped to a walk and tried to catch my breath. It took no longer than it should, but the adrenaline stayed in my blood for several minutes, so that despite my efforts to walk casually my strides were quicker than usual and my eyes darted around me excitedly. I did not calm down until I had removed my uniform jacket and hat, leaving the shirt and dark pants of school uniform.

Now, given my proximity to First Junior High, I would simply appear to be a student on their way home from school.

"Well, well, look who's here!"

I sensed the Second Child before I heard her, her uniquely volatile aura of emitted thought alerting me to her presence behind me. "Good afternoon, Soryu," I said politely, concentrating on slowing down my pulse and respiration. My cheeks had only just returned to their normal colour. I made myself smile as she approached, Shinji and Ayanami following. "You are here rather late. School finished a while ago."

"Yeah, Wonder Girl and I had to clean the classroom," she complained matter-of-factly, "and Shinji had to phone his dad." I inferred that the sarcastic label 'Wonder Girl' referred to the First Child.

"Hello, Shinji, Ayanami," I said pleasantly.

Shinji smiled shyly. "Hi, Kaworu." Ayanami regarded me impassively.

"Are you going to NERV?" I asked Asuka, before any of them could inquire in turn as to my own presence at this time.

She made an exaggerated sigh. "Yeah, more tests, _again_." Despite her candour, I sensed that she was still somewhat wary of me. It would probably be more advisable to be on gregarious terms with the pilots, so I decided to make casual conversation to ease her suspicions.

"You often undergo evaluations with your Evas?" I questioned.

"Oh yeah, nearly every day. Gotta keep the planet's saviours in top shape!" She turned to the two tailing her. "Hurry up, you two! I don't want to have to wait around for our tests to start because _you've_ been dawdling!"

"Sorry," Shinji apologised automatically, quickening his step. Ayanami, however, ignored Soryu's demand and continued walking at her own pace. Soryu frowned at her.

"Come on, Nagisa," she said abruptly, grabbing my arm. "You can walk us there."

I blinked, almost stumbling as she compelled me along with her. "Are you certain? Would that not be a breach of security?"

"Dummy! Only to the station."

"Oh…" I felt disappointed and reassured at the same time: I had never been to NERV, and I was curious about it, but it would not have been a good situation if the Second Child had been eager to bring unauthorised civilians into the base.

"/So, where do you live, Nagisa?/" she asked, slipping into German. I gathered that she would not be discouraged from dragging me with her no matter how far away I lived.

"/In new Tarumachi, second choome—/"

"/Really?/" she interrupted. "/Not many people from our school live around there./"

"/Apparently so,/" I agreed. "/The western suburbs seem to be more popular than the eastern./"

I sensed Shinji feeling uncomfortable, as he had been excluded from the conversation due to Soryu and I speaking in a language he did not know. However, he seemed disinclined to speak up about our rudeness. I wondered how much he would put up with before becoming too offended to remain in his shell.

Ayanami, on the other hand, predictably showed no reaction to being left out.

Soryu continued to speak as I pondered our companions. "/Must be that whole thing about the open ocean – you know, tidal waves, earthquakes and all that./" I realised that she was also aware of Shinji's discomfort, but found it amusing. She appeared to enjoy provoking him.

"/Yes, since the Second Impact people are warier of the sea,/" I agreed. "/Although before that event, people preferred to live close to the beach./"

She nodded, looking thoughtful. "/But people won't be scared of the ocean forever – memories fade, y'know. Maybe now the seasons are going back to normal, and winter starts getting cold again, people will appreciate summer at the beach./" An expressive hand gesture nearly knocked a passing cyclist off his bike as Soryu stepped out onto the road, but she did not seem concerned.

Watching out of the corner of my eye as the cyclist swerved and narrowly avoided a parked car, I theorised, "/In which case the rent on my apartment might go up, as its value would no doubt increase concurrent with its desirability, correct?/"

Asuka grinned and whacked me lightly on the arm. "/Location, location, location!/" she sing-songed.

More idioms— "/…Whatever you say, Soryu./"

"/Call me Asuka,/" she said breezily. "/I'm used to calling people by their first names, anyway./" She waved one hand in a careless gesture, and I caught it in my own, bringing it to my lips – I had seen films and television programs where a kiss on the hand was a charming and sophisticated gesture, and believed I could appropriate in a playful spirit. Her eyes widened and a hint of red came to her cheeks.

"/Thank you, Asuka,/" I said. "/I would like for you to address me as Kaworu, as well./"

"/Pervert,/" she accused half-heartedly, snatching her hand away, but her eyes were sparkling and she knew I was merely jesting. I sensed that her lingering misgivings towards me had been dispelled.

"/Only for you,/" I responded, sharing her smile.

Cutting short our moment of friendliness, she halted abruptly and spun around. "Geez, Shinji!" she shouted, putting her hands on her hips. "You've been moping ever since school let out! Are you _still_ sulking over that phone call to your dad?"

Shinji shrugged. "No, not really … well, a bit. It was just – so abrupt, the way it ended." I listened intently – I did not understand the relationship between the Ikari males, but hopefully I could gain some comprehension through the source.

"Maybe Commander Ikari was just really busy?" Asuka suggested as she resumed walking. The four of us were now more or less in a group.

"Maybe…" Shinji said. "But it wasn't like he hung up – more like the line went dead."

Asuka gave an exasperated sigh. "Come on! Are you a man or what? Why do you let every little thing get to you?"

"I don't know! I'm sorry," he apologised reflexively.

"It is not incomprehensible," I put forward. "When a child is young, their parents are often the strongest influence on the formation of their personalities and the traits that will stay with them later in life. If Mr Ikari mistreated Shinji as a young boy then it is perfectly reasonable for the effects to linger for many years." I made sure my expression was impartial, hiding my interest.

"What are you, a psychologist?" said Asuka. For the second time in a few minutes she stepped off the kerb without checking for danger. Luckily nothing was coming – in fact, there was an unusually low amount of traffic on the roads.

"Mistreated me?" Shinji echoed. "He abandoned me!" His voice expressed a volume of pain and betrayal that illuminated his paternal anxieties clearly. In the space of a few seconds I came to understand the reasons behind Shinji's awkwardness with his father. Evidently this was an unhealed wound.

"He has a father complex," Asuka whispered.

"I do not!" yelped Shinji. "Why do you always say that?"

Brushing aside his indignation, she put on an appearance of seriousness. "Well, it's not as clear-cut as Kaworu says it is," she declared, and adopted a scholarly tone. "A person's character is less due to the effects of their situation and the way they're treated than it is to their own soul and their genetic makeup."

I seemed to hear a little bell of recognition ring in my memory; a psychology text opened in my mind to a chapter entitled 'Nature vs. Nurture: The Unresolved Debate'.

"I disagree," I said. "The environment in which a person matures has as much, if not more influence."

Asuka's eyes fastened on my own, a look of challenge and anticipation in them. I attempted to convey with my own glance my eagerness to debate with her.

"A child learns from observation and interaction," I said reasonably. "Each action they make provokes results, and each of these becomes a lesson that is absorbed and assimilated, shaping their future behaviour. Everything around them contributes to their development as a person."

"Every person is different," Asuka returned promptly. "You put two people in the same situation, each one's going to react differently. How else do you get people who grew up on the streets becoming scientists or ambassadors as soon as they get a chance? And murderers who had great families and homes?" As she spoke I sensed an urgency in her conviction that went deeper than mere argumentativeness. She presented her point as though she had something to prove, as though the debate was personal and would reflect on her. Hm…

"On the other hand," I countered, "there are instances of identical twins who are separated at birth and raised in different environments. Although they are fundamentally identical, they become entirely unlike each other due to their situations and the lessons they learn."

Although I was concentrating on Asuka, a stray thought from Shinji intruded: _Somehow I don't think they're talking about me anymore…_ I forced the smirk away from my face.

"People aren't blank slates that get written on by their experiences," Asuka said stubbornly. "No-one's completely moulded by what happens to them."

I was positive, now, that the argument had significance to her. I thought back over all I knew about the Second Child, searching for facts of significance. Precociously talented, an intellectual genius, rumoured to be the product of eugenics … Asuka Langley Soryu was placed with foster parents when she was young, her mother having killed herself…

Aha.

"Perhaps not," I allowed.

I knew Asuka's motivation now – she believed in the power of genetics because it assured her own superiority. My arguments were unacceptable, contradicting as they did her refusal to admit that her mother's suicide had hurt her deeply. She was determined to escape the legacy of her mother's breakdown. And that, I knew now, was her greatest vulnerability.

"But you must agree that children, who are new in the world, have little to draw on of themselves to learn proper behaviour. You cannot teach yourself to read – you go to school to acquire that skill. Likewise, your actions are guided by the people and world around you. They create the foundations of your personality and sway many of the perceptions that decide how you will act in any given situation. And," I concluded, "the parental figures in a child's life are demonstrably their most significant influence."

"No!" Asuka insisted, stamping her foot. "Everyone's different! Everyone has their own soul, their own core, their own inner self that decides who they are, whatever happens to them." She was visibly upset. I felt a twinge of something painful, uncomfortable. Was this … guilt?

"Uh, Asuka?" Shinji broke in hesitantly.

Predictably, she rounded angrily on him. "What now, Third Child?"

"I'm sorry! But—" He gestured.

While Asuka and I had been debating, we had reached the train station that led into the Geofront below Tokyo-3. The security checkpoint consisted of a simple card-swipe, with which Ayanami was apparently having difficulties.

"Huh? What's up?" said Asuka.

As we watched, Ayanami drew her card through the slot. The door in front of her, which was supposed to open when her identification had been verified, stayed closed.

"Here, let me!" Asuka shoved Ayanami aside impatiently and swiped her own card. Again, nothing happened. Numerous attempts by all three pilots, at each door, failed to produce any response.

"What's the matter with them?" Shinji wondered out loud.

"How the hell should I know?" demanded Asuka, although he had in fact been talking to himself more than anybody else.

"Is there another way in?" I asked. Outwardly I seemed to be helpful, maybe a bit curious; inwardly I wanted to see how much information about NERV I could procure from the three pilots while they were preoccupied.

"None for which we have security clearance," answered Ayanami. I was initially surprised that she had spoken, but then remembered that she was more familiar with the facilities than either of the others.

"Well, that means we'll have to break in," said Asuka. She sounded determined.

Shinji gave a nervous squawk. "Are – are you sure?" he stammered. "Won't we get into trouble?"

She tossed her hair. "Desperate times call for desperate measures," she declared, then smirked. "But of course, everyone knows Shinji's _always_ desperate."

"Hey, don't talk about me like that," he whined. Asuka smirked.

At that moment I felt something tingling on the edge of my senses – something distant, yet intimately familiar. I reached out to it, concentrating. An impression of water and awkward motion reached me and my eyes suddenly filled with tears. Why? I was not sad…

**-tabris? is that you?-**

-Matriel!-

I had to bite my lip to keep from blurting out my sister's name. Tears … of _acid_…

With an effort, I restricted myself to sending her my thoughts. -Yes, sister. It is I.-

**- hm … you are not planning to usurp me, i hope -**

- Not at all. I am here merely to observe. -

**- you have taken the form of the lilim … my, tabris, you always were an adventurous one -**

- Somebody had to balance your timidity. -

The Angel equivalent of laughter reached my mind, feeling pale and weak next to my recent experience with Lilim mirth. Matriel was the stealthiest of us all, preferring to keep herself to herself. Nevertheless she was more aware of others than many of our brethren – hers was an active seclusion, rather than a passive one.

**- your time among them will soon draw to a close, little brother … i am coming for adam -**

- Indeed? There is no guarantee you will reach your goal. -

**- perhaps, but i shall attempt nonetheless -**

- Then I wish you all the best, and shall take note of what you do wrong so that I may prevail in my own turn. -

**- i see that you are as arrogant as ever -**

- Not arrogant, sister – merely free. -

The telepathic contact between us ended as Asuka gave up on a frustrated search for faults in the edges of the security doors.

"_Shei__e!_" she swore, aiming a temperamental kick at the offending metal.

The plan according to the Dead Sea Scrolls stated that Matriel would lose her conflict today. However, that could not occur if the Evangelions were without pilots. I hesitated for a moment; I had promised to observe only. And the prophecy was quite clear: the Angels would be defeated, by whatever means – the Lilim would triumph with or without divine interference.

On the other hand, by that logic it would make no great difference if I … guided, would it?

I tapped the top of the barrier. "Would it be possible to remove this panel?" I wondered aloud.

Asuka was beside me in a moment. "And hot-wire the door trigger? Hm…" She examined the metal casing, before nodding. "Shinji, take off your belt."

"WHAT?" Shinji jumped, his face instantly colouring. "What for?"

She looked at him flatly. "So I can ravish you right here, right now. To use as a screwdriver, stupid!" she shouted, abruptly becoming angry and impatient. "What were you thinking, you pervert? Actually, I don't want to know. Forget that, we'll use Kaworu's."

Obediently I removed my belt, hanging onto my trousers to keep them from sliding off my hips. Asuka inspected the metal tip, before using it to free the panel covering the wire for the identification slot. Shinji looked astounded, his face bright red, eyes flicking between Asuka's industrious attempts at vandalism and myself.

_How can he be so calm?_ he was thinking._ He's just – standing there, with his pants nearly falling down, and ASUKA doing things with his belt, and he doesn't even look like it's anything unusual!_

I smiled at Shinji's confusion. "Does it fit correctly, Asuka?" I asked, seemingly innocent, but my eyes were on Shinji and I knew I was smirking as I continued, "Perhaps you might need to take Shinji's belt after all."

It appeared the Third Child's legs gave out from under him. He collapsed against one of the barriers, a moan of humiliated misery escaping his mouth accompanied by semi-coherent protests and pleas for mercy.

"I do not see any significant differences between Ikari's belt and Nagisa's," announced Ayanami unexpectedly. Shinji turned horror-filled eyes towards her and she continued, "They are of the same design and material; the only variation is in colour."

Asuka burst out laughing. "Geez, Wonder Girl, way to go! I didn't know you had it in you to pick on Shinji like that."

"I was not mocking him, I was merely stating facts."

Asuka snorted. "Well, you picked really convenient facts to state, then."

Shinji had hunched forward, pressing his knees together. When Asuka had finished with my belt and returned it, I went over to him. He looked distinctly uncomfortable.

"Shinji?" I questioned, threading the belt through the loops on my pants. "Are you all right?"

A furious nod.

"Why are you sitting like that? You look tense." I placed my hand on his shoulder and was not surprised when he flinched away – this was Shinji Ikari, after all. However, his reaction appeared extreme even for him.

I 'listened' for his emotions, and nearly fell over in surprise. Beyond feeling mortified and teased, he was … aroused. Evidently the idea of two attractive girls, such as Asuka and Ayanami, having anything to do with his clothes – his pants in particular – was exciting to a teenage boy. No wonder he had not understood my lack of reaction earlier.

"Oh!" I blinked. Shinji looked up at me out of the corner of one eye. "You have a—"

"Don't say it!" he yelped.

I had to cover my mouth to stop from giggling, and was amazed at the childishness of my reaction. "Do not be concerned," I assured him. "I will not say a word."

He looked painfully embarrassed. "Sorry," he muttered. "I just … need a couple of minutes…"

"To calm down?" I suggested. "Certainly." Observing the extreme discomfort on his face, I put my hands in my pockets and left him alone.

Fortunately unaware of the boy's predicament, Asuka muttered to herself as she examined the wires she had uncovered, and Ayanami leant against the barrier one over from it, waiting patiently. I approached the Second Child, leaning over to see what she was looking at. When my shadow obscured her vision, she extended a hand and pushed me aside without looking up.

"Can you do it?" I asked.

"Of course I can!" was the predictable response, although she hesitated slightly as she disconnected a pair of wires. Making sure her fingers were only in contact with the insulated areas, she held the live ends away from her and touched them briefly together.

I concentrated on the adjacent door, psychically manipulating the remaining electricity in its circuits so that it sprang open. Asuka gave a whoop of triumph, but prudently waited until she had reconnected the wires before punching the air in victory.

"Well done," I said, clapping my hands together. Ayanami was silent, merely rounding the barrier and stepping through the opening. Shinji got to his feet, evidently having chased away his response to the exciting events earlier.

"Wow, Asuka, that was great," he said, sounding impressed.

Asuka preened. "I know," she said smugly, before turning to me. "Well, Kaworu, I guess this is where we love ya and leave ya."

I had not heard that expression before, but its import was self-evident. "As always, Asuka, it has been a pleasure," I said gracefully, and bowed.

Shinji offered me a smile as Asuka entered the station. "Thanks for walking with us," he said. Looking after the two girls, he added quickly, "And thanks for not saying anything about – about before." A blush had appeared on his face again.

"You're welcome," I said. "Whatever you need, Shinji, I hope you'll feel you can come to me."

"Th—thank you," he said, seemingly overwhelmed. "And – and the same to you, okay? I mean, I don't know how helpful I could be, but—"

"Hey, Third Child!" came Asuka's yell. "Keep up!"

"Coming!" Shinji responded. He gave me a last look as he followed her. "Bye, Kaworu."

"Goodbye, Shinji." I lingered for a moment until all three were out of sight, before glancing at the barrier. With a thought, I shut the doors before beginning to make my way home. It would not do for there to be a breach of security, after all. I sensed the people at NERV had enough on their hands for now.

6. Celebrate This  
_If you can't be a good example, at least be a horrible warning._

The sun was hidden behind damp grey clouds, rain hissed across the concrete and asphalt, and Shinji, Aida, Suzuhara and I had just arrived at the apartment the Second and Third Children shared with Capt Katsuragi.

"Thanks for letting us in, Shinji," said Suzuhara. "Man, that rainstorm came out of nowhere."

"Just wait there," said Shinji, as we paused at the entrance to remove our shoes. "I'll get some towels."

Suzuhara shook water from his eyes, inadvertently splattering both Aida and I when drops scattered from his hair.

"Ack – Toji!" Aida complained. "You got us wet!"

"Huh? Oh, sorry." Suzuhara tossed an off-hand apology over his shoulder as he tried to catch the water dripping from the elbow of his jacket.

"We did just walk through a rainstorm," I said to Aida. "Were we not already wet?"

"That's not the point," Aida grumbled. He did not pursue the grievance, however, as at that moment Shinji re-appeared with his arms full of fluffy white towels, one for each of us. I draped mine over my head, rubbing at my hair and debating whether to turn on my 'glow' for a minute to dry myself more quickly and thoroughly. Noting out of the corner of my eye the length of time it took the others to dry themselves, I decided against it. No need to court suspicion.

Besides, it was not disagreeable to be wet. On the contrary, I had found our hurried dashes between areas of shelter to be invigorating and even enjoyable. The smell of wet grass and clean-washed streets was very refreshing – there was no wind, and the temperature was not unpleasantly cold, so I was not uncomfortable.

In the apartment's kitchen, Shinji filled the kettle and set it to boil while drying his own hair. Suzahara retrieved mugs and coffee from a cupboard above the sink, giving me the impression he had been here enough times to be at ease in his friend's house.

"So," said Aida, looking round, "where's Miss Misato?"

"She must still be asleep," said Shinji. "She's got tomorrow off, but she's been working all night a lot lately so she's been pretty tired."

"Yeah, she's got a tough job," Suzuhara agreed.

"Well, I guess we've gotta be quiet so that we don't wake Miss Misato up, right?" said Aida. The two of them had utterly serious expressions on their faces – clearly they held Capt Katsuragi in very high regard. I did not know the reason for their extremely positive estimation; it was possible that Aida respected her due to her profession and rank, but Suzuhara's attitude was less easily explained.

At that moment Asuka looked around the partition separating the kitchen from the bathroom. "Hey, I heard voices – oh, it's the stooges. What are _these_ creeps doing here?"

"Drying themselves…" said Shinji.

Suzahara scowled. "Geez, nice to see you, too," he said sarcastically.

"You're as charming as ever," she sniffed disdainfully. Turning to me, she demanded, "Why do you even hang around with these three idiots, Kaworu? You're going to get stupid by association."

"I was not aware that a lack of intelligence is a contagious condition," I said, confused. Only when Asuka laughed did I realise that she had been joking. Hastily I made a grin, so she would not suspect that I had been ignorant of the jest.

"Hey, Nagisa can hang out with whoever he wants!" Suzuhara snapped. Aida shushed him urgently.

"Hmph. Whatever," said Asuka dismissively. "Well I'm changing in here, and if you peep you're dead!" She dragged the partition shut behind her.

Suzuhara growled furiously, brandishing his towel at the divider. "You stuck-up egotistical little – Who'd wanna watch a snake changing its skin, anyway!"

"She's sure full of herself," mused Aida.

The door to our left opened and Capt Katsuragi appeared in the gap, dressed in a t-shirt and denim skirt.

"Oh! Miss Misato!" Suzuhara blurted.

"We didn't wake you up, did we?" queried Aida anxiously.

"Actually, I was already awake," she said reassuringly. "Thanks for asking, though."

"Oh, right. Um, do you want a cup of coffee?" Shinji offered, glancing at the kettle.

"Yeah!" Suzuhara jumped in. "I make a real good cappuccino, all I need's a coffee plunger and some milk – waddya say?"

"And I got the newspaper if you haven't read today's yet!" added Aida, rummaging in his bag. "The broadsheet, and the tabloid, and the women's magazine…"

"Oh, thank you, I'm fine," said Capt Katsuragi. "Although if the kettle's already going then yeah, I'll have a coffee, Shinji – thanks." She seemed amused by the other two boys' efforts to please her. I noted the reverent admiration in Suzuhara and Aida's expressions – and the red on their cheeks. 'Listening' to their emotions confirmed that they found Capt Katsuragi exceptionally attractive, and thus attempted to ingratiate themselves with her so she would look favourably on them. I wondered if they were aware that she was twice their age.

My contemplations were halted when Aida suddenly looked closer at Capt Katsuragi. He adjusted his glasses as though to check what he was seeing, then gasped.

"Wow! I mean – Congratulations on your promotion, Miss Misato!" he exclaimed, bowing almost worshipfully. Suzuhara did the same.

"Oh, you're too kind," she said modestly.

"Oh, no ma'am! You deserved it!" Aida insisted.

"What's up?" Shinji asked.

"Were you promoted, Miss Katsuragi?" I inquired. She nodded, indicating the badge on the lapel of her jacket.

"Have you not _noticed_?" Aida demanded of us. "Before, Miss Misato's collar bore one pip – now there are two! She was promoted from Captain to _Major_! Right?" he added quickly, turning to his subject for confirmation.

She looked mildly flustered. "Well, um … yeah…" she managed, but her thoughts were loud: _This kid is a little scary…_

"The power of the otaku is witnessed," muttered Suzuhara.

"What's that?" Asuka pushed open the partition again. "Misato got promoted? I didn't notice!"

Aida made an inarticulate sound of frustration. "You two are hopeless!" he said, pointing accusingly at Asuka and Shinji. "Don't you ever pay attention to this poor, hardworking woman? Do you have any idea how hard it must be to take care of the two of you at her young age – not to mention while holding down such a stressful job?"

Asuka raised an eyebrow. "Uh, whatever you say … STOOGE."

Aida ignored her. "Well, it's about time Miss Misato's achievements were recognised!" he declared, trying to smooth over his mistake. "This calls for a celebration! One grill party, coming up!"

I perked up at this. I had never been to a party before – it ought to be an interesting experience. And hopefully fun, too! Although I was acquainted with happiness and merriment, 'fun' was something I was not familiar with. It implied a level of frivolity and light-hearted interaction with others that was not possible among the company I had previously kept, both among my siblings and at Keel's residence.

Within minutes, Aida had organised everything. Invitations had been extended to others, various meat products set to grill, and drinks poured for everyone present. I watched the event unfolding with interest.

"So, Kaworu," said the newly gilded Maj Katsuragi, "how are you finding Tokyo-3 so far?" We were sitting on the couch while Asuka and Suzuhara argued over what music to play and Shinji and Aida cooked the meat. The pet penguin waddled through the living room occasionally to squawk a comment and steal food.

"Things are going well," I replied, sipping my carbonated soda. The bubbles made my nose and mouth tingle, and I could already feel the sugar affecting my energy levels. "The living spaces are rather narrower and smaller, and people are generally more polite and reserved, but I am getting used to the differences."

She looked at me with one eyebrow raised as she opened a beer can – her second so far. I had read of the intoxicating effects of alcohol and wondered if she was perhaps imbibing the liquid too quickly.

"You have a pretty fancy way of speaking, if you don't mind me saying," she remarked.

My automatic concern, that my speech patterns were not casual enough, was assuaged when I remembered a comment Ryoji Kaji had made. "Well, you see, Japanese is not my first language, so I am not as fluent in its everyday use and colloquialisms as I would like."

"Oh yeah – you're from Germany, aren't you?" Maj Katsuragi said. "Asuka was pretty stoked to have someone from her home country in her class." She looked across to where the Second Child was shuffling through the collection of audio discs beside the sound system. "Japanese is her second language, too. Actually, although she can speak it fine, her reading isn't so crash hot," she confided, "but don't tell her I told you that."

"I will keep the knowledge to myself," I promised. "I am not fluent with kanji either, so I can empathise. As it happens, Japanese is not my second language."

"It isn't?"

"No. I originally knew German and English, but have learnt French as well as basic Latin." I judged that this recitation of skills would require modesty on my part, so looked at the floor and added, "But I had a very good teacher to instruct me." A pair of lies: although Keel was adept in German and Japanese, he had not taught me anything. Also, I could speak and read any language I chose – as an Angel I was endowed with a natural gift for communication.

"Wow." She tilted her can at me in a gesture I recognised as a toast. "That's pretty amazing for your age, Kaworu!"

"What's amazing?" asked Aida, appearing and depositing a tray of party food on the table before us.

"Apparently, Kaworu," Maj Katsuragi gestured at me with the beer can, "is …um…" She counted on her fingers. "Kaworu is quintilingual." She nodded importantly, and I wondered if her rather exaggerated expression and mannerisms were a result of the alcohol she had consumed. Did it affect people this quickly? Perhaps I should try a quantity – in the name of experimentation, of course.

"Quin-ti-lin—You speak _five_ languages?" Aida exclaimed.

I nodded.

"Whoa. Man, I wish I could speak even one language apart from Japanese! I'm not even any good at English, and we've been learning that in school for years." Aida's awe seemed excessive to me – surely it was not that great an achievement to be able to communicate in multiple languages? – but his feelings were genuine.

At that moment we were interrupted by the door opening.

"Um, good evening," came a shy voice.

"Hikari!" squealed Asuka. She jumped to her feet and bounced over to the door, engaging the other girl in gossipy conversation even as she was removing her shoes. They entered the living room, and as Asuka sat down Hikari approached Maj Katsuragi.

"Nice to meet you," she said politely, presenting the bouquet of flowers she held to her host. "I'm Hikari Horaki. Thanks for letting me come over."

"Thanks!" said Maj Katsuragi as she accepted the flowers, adding cheerfully, "At this point, one more doesn't change a thing!"

"Say, Asuka," said Hikari as she sat beside her friend. "Is Mr Kaji coming over, too? He's really cool, right?"

Asuka sighed, raising her cup but not drinking from it. "Mr Kaji? Well, I've been calling him and calling him, but not a word in three days. I want to see him, too."

Misato took a long swill from her beer. "He _saaaaaaaid_ he was off on a business trip to Matsushiro," she disclosed. "He's probably sniffing some girl's butt even as we—"

The doorbell rang, cutting her sentence short. The arrivals entered without waiting – Dr Akagi and, to speak of the devil, Ryoji Kaji himself.

"Hey, everybody," he said to the room at large. Indicating his companion, he disclaimed breezily, "I came straight from headquarters – we just happened to meet on the way."

Maj Katsuragi looked annoyed. "A likely story!" she grumbled.

"You're not _jealous_, are you?" asked Dr Akagi innocently.

"Hmph." She took a drink from her beer. "Absolutely not."

"Mr _Kaji_!" Asuka squealed, leaping from her place to latch onto his arm. "I'm so glad you could come!" Her behaviour to him was even more obsequious than Aida and Suzahara's had been to Maj Katsuragi.

"Congratulations on your promotion, Misato," Dr Akagi said, ignoring Asuka's flirting. She held a plastic bag before her.

"Oh, thanks, Ritsuko," said Maj Katsuragi, getting up to receive it. She made impressed- and grateful-sounding noises as she withdrew the bottle of white wine and accompanying book. "Well, well," she grinned, "you keep telling me to stop drinking so much and yet you give me wine for a present."

"Well, it's probably a lost cause to convince you to moderate," Dr Akagi shrugged, "so I figured you might as well get wasted on decent quality stuff."

"Hey!"

"And _I_," Mr Kaji cut in, "brought you this." He held up a shopping bag containing various foods, evidently for us to prepare and eat during the party. "May I express my sincerest congratulations on your promotion! I suppose this means I'll have to be polite to you from now on."

Maj Katsuragi glared at him. "And just what are you trying to say, you jerk?"

"Well, you know, it's unprecedented for both Commanders Ikari and Fuyutsuki to leave Japan at the same time." He grinned. "I guess they must really feel ol' Katsuragi here is dependable." I listened intently, hoping he might disclose more information on NERV, but he was distracted by Asuka latching onto his arm.

"What about _me_?" she pouted, fluttering her eyelashes at Mr Kaji. "Don't you have presents for me?"

"This is for you, Asuka," Mr Kaji reassured her, holding out a small gift-wrapped box.

The change that came over Asuka was remarkable – her unhappy mien disappeared and she appeared to glow with delight. "Wow, I'm so happy!" she gushed. "Thanks, Mr Kaji."

Suzuhara looked disgusted. "I think it's just laudatory, the glowing manner you bestow on this dude," he said. "Can we possibly hope for summa that indulgenceness upon our own unworthy selves?"

"In your dreams," said Asuka. Her disdainful tone matched the look on her face as she unwrapped what appeared to be an unsatisfactory gift.

I heard quiet snickering behind me, and saw Shinji, arms loaded with plates of food, observing the exchange between Suzahara and the Second Child. I got up and took several dishes from him, helping to set them on the table.

"Why do they always fight like this?" I asked him in an undertone.

Shinji, after thanking me for my assistance, looked at the two warring teenagers with a fond, thoughtful smile. "I don't know, really," he murmured. "I guess they just rub each other the wrong way. Asuka likes to run everyone down, and Toji doesn't put up with that sort of attitude."

"Should they be arguing so, at Miss Katsuragi's party?" I said.

"Well, it's not really polite," Shinji said after a pause, "but d'you think anyone could stop them?" He gave a wry smile, an oddly mature look for his young face.

"You have a point," I agreed, chuckling as Hikari's efforts to calm them down fell on deaf ears.

"Hey, Kaworu!" said a voice above my shoulder, and Mr Kaji sat down beside me.

"Hello, Mr Kaji," I smiled. "Welcome to the party. Thankyou for bringing the food."

"Not a problem," he said cheerfully. "Shinji, I think Aida needs a hand in the kitchen getting it ready," he added to the Third Child.

"Oh! Right." Shinji got to his feet and padded out of the room to help.

Mr Kaji leant back, propping his weight on his hands behind him. "So, I wasn't expecting to see you here. Quite a coincidence, huh?"

"It appears so," I agreed. "When I enrolled in First Junior High I was put into Shinji and Asuka's class – I was not expecting one of the first people I met to be an associate of theirs."

"Small world," Mr Kaji commented. Seeing my puzzled look, he explained, "Means that everyone seems to know everyone else, or to be somehow connected or related to everyone else." When I nodded, he continued, "What's your class like?"

He was referring, of course, to the schemes surrounding Class 2-A, but did not expect me to be aware of the arrangement. Playing dumb, I said, "I suppose it is fairly normal, as far as school goes."

"Do you have many friends?"

"I am acquainted with everyone in the class. Most of the time I keep the company of Shinji, Aida and Suzuhara, but I enjoy speaking with Asuka, too. It annoys Suzuhara when she and I speak in German," I added, with a grin.

Mr Kaji chuckled. "Yeah, I bet it does." He paused, framing his next question.

"Kaji, would you like a drink?" offered Dr Akagi. She glanced between he and I. "Oh, I'm sorry, did I interrupt?"

"Actually, Kaworu was just telling me more about the Asuka versus Suzuhara saga," Kaji smiled.

"Oi, what're you saying about me?"

"Hey, you talking to me?"

The subjects of his sentence had overheard him. Their reactions were so similar I giggled.

Throughout the night, I spent much time interacting with the others in my company, but as much time watching and learning. At first, the people around me seemed more outgoing in a party situation, but I came to realise that the effect was more of a polarisation – whatever personality a person had normally was exaggerated.

Hikari, for instance, was normally good at organising and taking care of people; during the course of the evening she took over many of the host's duties, such as serving food and drinks or arranging for messes to be cleaned up.

Shinji, shy by nature, initially retreated into his shell, fleeing to the kitchen to prepare more food whenever he felt nervous. However, as time passed his tentative forays into interaction, initially spurred by politeness more than genuine friendliness, became bolder and he began to relax as the others did.

Maj Katsuragi's transformation was more noticeable due to the enthusiasm with which she drank both her beer and the wine Dr Akagi had brought. She talked – babbled, rather – to everyone, made lewd jokes and reacted to everything with exaggerated intensity. Compared to her no-nonsense attitude at Mt Asama, the two sides of Maj Katsuragi could have been two different people.

As I observed these changes in the people around me, I watched for similar alterations in myself, but to no result. Even in such a laid-back and gregarious atmosphere, I was keenly aware that I was an outsider, an interloper, and thus could not relax enough to undergo such a shift. While I remembered the gulf between us, while my guard was up, I could never truly behave as a Lilim. And though I did not know why, this … this saddened me.

7. Outside, Looking In  
_Family: Defending to the death people you normally want to kill._

"Damn them – they're doing it _again_!" Aida complained loudly.

"Doing what?" I asked, turning from my examination of the underground shelter.

"See for yourself." An expression of deep discontent on his face, Aida gave me his video camera, which had its aerial extended to receive television transmissions. At the moment, the screen showed a text message from the government.

# At noon today, a state of emergency was declared  
for the Kanto district, centring around the Tokai region.  
Stay tuned for updates. #

"All words again," Aida grumbled unnecessarily. "They never show us civilians anything – and this is such a big event!"

"You are very interested in this subject, are you not?" I commented.

He nodded fervently. "Absolutely! I mean, we're living in a time of _war_! Of course I want to know all about it! And the Evas are so cool – and all the artillery the UN uses – and the battle plans – and Ikari, Soryu, Ayanami and Miss Misato are right in the thick of it—!" Word appeared to fail him, and for a moment his hands soared through the air in mute gestures of excitement before falling to his lap.

At that moment I nearly fell over, due to Suzuhara dropping his weight on me with an arm around my shoulders. "Don't get him started!" he warned, poking me in the chest. "Last time he was complaining like this we ended up right in the middle of the fight!"

"Really? How?" I shifted slightly to support his weight better, so I was in less danger of sprawling on my side.

"Picture this, right—" With his free arm, Suzuhara made a scene-setting gesture in front of us. "We're sitting here just like this, staying with our class like good little kids. This is a couple of months ago," he added. "When there was that Angel that looked like some kinda bug or something."

I imagined what Samshel would say if I told her that one of the Lilim had described her as resembling an insect.

"Well, it did!" Suzuhara insisted, seeing my grin and attributing it to his description. "Anyhow, genius over here—" he indicated Aida, still moaning over his uncommunicative camera, "decides that he wants to sneak outside and _see_ it with his own two eyes. 'Course, he don't care that we might be killed, oh no…"

"I find it believable that he would be prepared to risk his life for a moment of the periphery of such events," I said solemnly.

Suzuhara grinned. "Ay, you're right about that. So we go to check it out, up on a hill. And there it is, the Angel and the Eva duking it out right in front of us." Despite his derogative comments, I could tell he shared some of Aida's excitement. "But Ikari being the clumsy fool he is, he gets trashed pretty much straight off, and ends up being thrown right across to where me and Kensuke are. I tell ya, when the Eva landed we were right between its fingers."

Of its own accord, my hand gripped his wrist and held it tensely. "A close shave," I managed.

"Damn straight! Thing is, that Ikari can't move without squashing us – the Eva's too big and unco. So what does he do? He lets us in the cockpit!"

My eyes widened. "In the entry plug?"

"Yep, two civilian kids like us." Suzuhara nodded. "Miss Misato really chewed his ear off about it later. Anyway, he defeats the Angel, 'course, stabs it in the guts with his little knife thingie, yada yada … But the point is," he insisted, "that cos Kensuke got impatient, we nearly got killed, and mucked up the fight for Ikari." He shrugged, clearly at a loss to explain. "That otaku…"

Aida leant in so the three of us formed a conspiratorial circle. "We could sneak out again," he whispered.

"We could?" I perked up – I would have liked to actually witness combat between the Evangelions and my siblings, in order to learn from the experience.

Suzuhara's eyes widened. "Not you too, Nagisa," he moaned. He thumped Aida on the arm. "We're not going out there, you hear me? You wanna get squashed or blown up? You wanna distract Ikari and the others, and make them lose? Huh?"

"There's three of them this time," Aida argued. "If we distract Ikari, then Soryu or Ayanami will finish the fight for him."

"No way! No how, and never!" Suzuhara was adamant. "We're staying right here!"

"You can remain, if you believe it is dangerous," I pointed out. "Aida and I will go by ourselves."

"Keep dreamin'!" he shot back. "I'm not gonna let youse guys risk your lives by yourselves, what sort of a bud would I be? You gotta stand by your mates, even if they make mistakes."

"Oh … I see." This was loyalty, then.

Suzuhara nodded enthusiastically. "Yeah! Like my dad said to me, a good friend'll bail you outta jail, but a true friend'll be right beside you, saying 'We fucked up'."

I burst out laughing. The sound seemed overly loud in the tense atmosphere of the shelter and I stifled it quickly, but was still smiling as I met Suzuhara's eyes. "That is very … philosophical," I said, before giggling again.

"Yep, that's my dad, all right," he agreed. He poked me in the chest again. "So you and Kensuke gotta stay here, otherwise you're putting _me_ in danger. And you don't want to do that, do you?"

"No, of course not," I said, but inside I was debating. On the one hand, I very much wanted to see the battle – after all, my purpose for being in Tokyo-3 was to observe. On the other, the situation above ground could be dangerous. I would be fine, but if Aida or Suzuhara were injured or killed … they were mere humans after all…

"Here. We should at least try and find out what is happening," I pointed out, and took the camera from Aida.

"What're you doing?" he asked. "The channels are blocked, remember?"

"Perhaps we can tune in to a different frequency," I suggested, as I manipulated the reception settings. "Would they not have video surveillance at NERV? The signals should be passing around us." I removed part of the casing around the aerial and examined the wiring inside.

"Yeah, but that'll be secured, with encryption and – Whoa!"

I patched into the transmission from a nearby observation station just as Unit 02 sprinted past their camera from behind. On a hilltop ahead, Unit 01 was reaching above its head, using its AT field to hold up Sahaquiel. My brother Angel had taken a strange form – a central body, containing his eye, was flanked by hands like wings. I knew he could detach portions of his mass to use as bombs; apparently he had intended to reach Adam by dropping from orbit around Earth onto NERV, breaking open the Geofront and penetrating down to Terminal Dogma.

"Would you _look_ at that thing?" Aida yelped.

"It's _huge_!" Suzuhara exclaimed.

"Oh my…" I whispered.

As we watched, Units 00 and 02 joined Unit 01 in holding off Sahaquiel, and the Angel rose slightly, repelled by their combined AT fields. Unit 00 drew its progressive knife and cut through the Angel's field, holding it open so Unit 02 could deliver the death blow.

Watching the knife drive home, I felt a stabbing pain in my chest.

**- so close… -**

Sahaquiel collapsed; there was a moment's silence, and my head reeled with pain broadcast by my sibling. Then the screen went blank.

"Wha—What happened?" Aida demanded.

Suzuhara gave a groan. "We lost the picture!"

"It exploded," I said quietly. "Saha—the Angel has been defeated." There was a hush. I realised that the three of us were surrounded by our classmates. Every one of them, even the class representative, was staring at the camera screen open-mouthed.

"Wow…" Hikari whispered. "I'd never seen anything like that…" Her words broke the awed silence that had descended over the group, and suddenly everybody was talking at once.

"Did you see how big it was?"

"Yeah! And the Evas were holding it up!"

"They must be so strong!"

"Hey, didn't it look like it was floating?"

"I thought I saw a – a sort of force field or something between them!"

"And then one of the Evas stabbed it!"

"Right in the middle! And then—"

"BOOM!" chorused a number of boys at once. Several people laughed nervously; others seemed too overwhelmed in the aftermath of fear to relax so quickly. I sat back on my hands – Suzuhara had let go of me and Aida had retrieved his camera. He was studying it, trying to work out what I had done to it.

I cast a sideways look at Suzuhara. "Well, you were correct."

"Huh?" He looked over at me, still slightly distant.

"It _was_ too dangerous to go out there to watch."

He gave a short laugh like a bark. "No kidding! Hell, we would've been blown to smithereens!" His shoulders shook slightly and he murmured to himself, "Geez … I hope Ikari's all right…"

"The Evangelion will have protected him," I assured Suzuhara. "It is very strong; it is likely that Shinji, Asuka and Ayanami are safer inside them than we are in this shelter." I hesitated on the point of explaining the significance of the AT field; I imagined that not many civilians would have knowledge of this attribute of the Evangelions.

"Really? Well, that's good." He looked relieved, then curious. "How d'you know that?"

Bother—"Know? Well, I do not _know_ really, but it is reasonable for the Evangelions to be heavily armoured, to protect them from incidents such as that. Besides," I added, calling on a convenient report from Keel, "when the first Angel attacked Tokyo-3 there were a number of large explosions, and Unit 01 survived them, did it not?"

Suzuhara shrugged. "Yeah, I guess."

"How long do you think it will be before we can return to our homes?" I asked him, changing the subject. I noted his concern for Shinji, contrasting it with his usual brash flippancy, and surmised that in stressful situations people more readily expressed their feelings. An interesting observation to take with me for that day.

"Oh, a couple of hours or something," he said vaguely. "I dunno what they do while we're waiting, clean up or something. That's what my dad says."

I perked up. "Your father works for NERV?"

"Yeah, and my grandpa. I'm not really allowed to know what their jobs are exactly, but it keeps them busy." He looked gloomy. "They're hardly ever at home, they're always working on secret stuff for the lab." He hesitated for a moment, then continued, "My sister – she was hurt real bad when the first Angel turned up, and Ikari was fighting it in the Eva. So she's in hospital … it's kinda touch-and-go … and dad and grandpa are so busy they can't visit her often, so I gotta go visit her heaps otherwise she's all alone."

"Oh … I am sorry." My expression of sympathy was not an act.

He waved a hand. "I don't mind visiting her, but I just don't like thinking about if she'll have, like, scars or permanent damage or something. I mean, she's my sis … I want her to be all right."

I would have liked to answer, to offer further support and compassion, but found it difficult to speak. The emotions I was sensing from Suzuhara – worry, affection, protectiveness – had resolved themselves into something I had heard about, but never experienced.

Love.

So this is it… I thought dazedly. Suzuhara's love for his sister felt both intimately familiar and completely foreign to me. My heart recognised it and knew it while my mind did not. Things I had heard about family offered themselves from my memory, to be examined in a completely new light of understanding as though I had never before encountered them. The intellectual comprehension I had gained suddenly seemed so petty and trivial compared to the emotional, absolute truth of the matter. There was a bond here, a link between the siblings, that spoke a language all of its own.

And even as I listened to this emotion, thrilling to it and feeling that I myself was made better by merely witnessing it, I was aware of envy. I had never loved; I doubted my capacity to do so. In a way, the Lilim had already bested me.

# Hello? #

"Shinji, hello."

# Kaworu! Hi! How're you? #

"I am well. How are you? I heard that you defeated an Angel today, are you all right?"

# Oh, yeah, I'm fine. Asuka defeated it actually. She stabbed it with the prog knife – um, the progressive knife, it's the Eva's weapon. #

"I see. But you helped, did you not?"

# Uh, yeah. It was falling and I caught it. But I couldn't have beaten it without Asuka and Ayanami, they're the ones who actually killed it. #

"Well, I am glad to hear that you are unhurt. It sounds very exciting and impressive."

# Hey, careful, you'll start sounding like Kensuke. #

"Shinji! That was a cruel and unnecessary insult! Sound like Aida indeed – I am deeply hurt!"

# I'm sorry! I was just joking! #

"So was I, silly."

# Oh… #

"Shinji, would you like to come over to my house tonight? I have found a recipe that I would like to learn to cook, and it is for two people. You are a good cook – would you mind helping me learn?"

# Uh – Kaworu, um … I'm sorry, but I'm busy tonight. #

"You are … busy?"

# Yeah, Misato, Asuka, Ayanami and I are going out for a steak dinner. It's a funny story, actually – Misato had this really crazy plan for defeating the Angel, and she said that if we'd go along with it she'd treat us to a steak dinner. Isn't that – isn't that silly? Risking our lives … for a steak dinner… #

"…Oh. Yes – yes, that does sound rather flippant. Haha."

# Kaworu? I'm sorry, I'd really like to come over, I just— #

"Do not worry – I would not like you to cancel your arrangements for my sake. Perhaps another time?"

# Yeah! I'd lo—I'd like to. #

"Excellent. I shall look forward to it."

# Me too. Uh, I'll see you tomorrow at school, okay? #

"All right. Good night, Shinji."

# Bye, Kaworu. #

# - click - #

8. Current Affairs  
_Everybody is somebody else's weirdo._

Lunch break, as always, was a noisy affair. Class 2-A became quite crowded at these times, as students from other rooms visited their friends. The teacher invariably buried his nose in a book, offering only token admonishments when something intruded on his personal space. What began as a mere hum of conversation after the bell rang invariably escalated to the scale of shouting by the end of the break.

"Look out!"

"Ack – watch where you're throwing that thing!"

"Sorry – hey, pass it over here!"

"_Gross_, what is _that_?"

"It's my lunch, ya jerk!"

"No kidding? Where'd your mum learn to cook, prison?"

"_Ew_! Pervert, get away from me!"

"All I said was I like your socks! You didn't have to slap me!"

Perhaps it was being free in a place where they were accustomed to silence and obedience – perhaps it was the absence of effective adult supervision – perhaps both. Whatever the cause, when thirty or forty teenagers were crowded into one room there was always something happening.

Today, a few of the boys pushed several tables together in the middle of the room and produced a deck of playing cards. They sat down as Aida shuffled them and addressed the others.

"Who wants in on poker?"

"Me!"

"I'll play!"

"Yeah, deal me in!"

Several students took up the offer, seating themselves and awaiting the deal. I looked over Shinji's shoulder with interest. This was yet another area of ignorance for me. Why had I not anticipated a need to study a game as common as poker?

Shinji glanced up. Seeing me, he smiled and patted the chair beside him. "Kaworu, come on."

"But I have never played poker…"

"Don't matter!" Suzuhara said breezily. "We'll learn ya." Obediently, I sat down, sharing a smile with Shinji.

"Don't they have poker in Germany?" one of the other boys asked me.

"Of course we do, _dumbkopf_!" a familiar voice snapped from behind me.

"Aah, it's her!" Suzuhara yelped, crossing two fingers in a warding sign as though the Second Child were a devil. "No! Stay back!"

Asuka scowled ferociously. "Cut it out, you moron!" Without waiting for an invitation, she pulled out a chair and sat down, resting her elbows on the table and drumming her fingers impatiently. Her friend, Sugimoto, took the last spare seat.

"Oi, poker ain't no woman's game!" Suzuhara objected.

"Well then, what're _you_ doing here?" Asuka retorted.

"Yeah! If _we_ leave, _you_ leave!" agreed Sugimoto. Suzuhara smouldered, but didn't respond.

Aida finished shuffling the deck presently, and dealt to the seven people seated at the table as Shinji and Suzuhara rapidly expounded the rules to me, interrupted periodically by Asuka as she disagreed on some minor point.

The class representative peeked over Asuka's shoulder and frowned disapprovingly. "You guys better not be gambling."

"Not on school premises," Aida assured her blithely.

"We're only using matchsticks," spoke up Toriyama, the boy sitting next to him. "They can't tell us off for that!"

"Would you like to join us, Hikari?" I said.

She shook her head, looking uncomfortable as always at my uninvited use of her given name. "I've got stuff to do."

"A shame. Another time then, perhaps?"

"Um, maybe." She looked away as though searching for an escape – when two boys toppled a desk nearby, she dashed off to scold them. We commenced the game in her absence.

It took me several rounds – 'hands', as I was told they were called – before I felt I had the knack of poker. The first was what they called 'open-hand', in which everyone's cards were face-up on the table to make it easier for the others to explain to me what each combination meant. Shinji was particularly helpful, since he was sitting closest to me. Asuka, however, seemed to be impatient with my ignorance; anyway, every time I looked at her she was scowling at Shinji or myself.

Memorising the different sequences of cards and their relative values was not difficult, but I became absorbed in the behaviour of the players. Some were bold, betting large quantities, winning and losing significant amounts repeatedly. Others were cautious and only ventured beyond their comfort zone when they were assured a high chance of success. A few were unpredictable, alternating between timidly folding and confidently raising. Always the players watched each other, observing and learning, judging and guessing, using their knowledge of the others' personalities to their advantage. The entire experience was admittedly fascinating.

"All right, single draw, nothing wild."

Aida had taken charge of the game, settling into his position of dealer with shrewd skills of calculation and spectacle-enhanced piercing examinations. Often he would wait until everyone had decided on their hands before giving a disarming chuckle, putting everyone off.

He waited until everyone had had a moment to look at their cards. "Well, what'll it be?"

"I'll take one," said Toriyama. He was an easy-going personality who had few moments of intensity, instead taking the game lightly and not investing much concentration, finding the personality clashes around him – particularly those between Asuka and Suzuhara – amusing. As he collected his card, a brief flicker of disappointment on his face was quickly squashed.

"Two for me," Asuka said, sliding her rejects across the table to receive the replacements. Her face, thoroughly trained in concealing her true feelings, did not alter, but I sensed her eagerness, and thereby her pleasure at her hand. I caught the briefest of glances in Shinji's direction, as though she anticipated showing him up with her success.

I examined my own cards. A king, a ten, a four, a three, and an eight – but three in the suit of diamonds. I picked out the eight and four and placed them face-down in front of Aida. "Two, please." The alternatives I received were both clubs. However, they were a king and a three, giving me two pair – not far down from the flush for which I had been aiming.

"Just one for me," said Shinji. He slid his single reject across the table and traded it for something that, to judge by the flicker of disappointment in his emotions, was not an improvement. He stared broodingly at his hand for a long moment. Out of the corner of my eye I noticed Asuka watching his reaction; seeing that he was unhappy, she acquired an aura of smugness.

"Three," Suzuhara declared brashly. He was annoyed that he was not allowed to deal, but Aida had hinted that he would be unable to resist a few … customisations … that would be neither desirable nor legal. When Suzuhara received his trio of replacements, his frown became slightly more pronounced, but given his past history in the game this was not conclusive. I listened to the unconscious tension and frustration in his aura to tell me that his gamble had not paid off.

The final player, Sugimoto, pursed her lips as though uncertain, but the hesitation was a ruse. The two cards she selected to trade were the only dissatisfactions in a good hand, and the pout she assumed upon receiving the replacements was an act.

Aida quickly passed in one card for another, then indicated the matchsticks in the middle of the table with which everyone had bought into the hand. "So, kiddies, what'll it be?"

Toriyama hesitated, before adding another two to the pile. "I bet two."

"I'll see your two, and raise you four," Asuka said promptly. Combined with her good hand, the Second Child was a superb bluffer – after all, she considered most of her life to be a bluff.

"Six, and two," I explained, adding my chosen bet to the pile along with the prerequisite to meet Asuka and Toriyama's stakes.

Shinji debated only a moment. "I'll fold," he muttered. In response to my questioning look, he made a face and I offered a commiserating smile, both for his misfortune and for Asuka's consequent slander against him for being a wimp.

"I'll sit this one out," Suzuhara said. He tossed his cards in and settled back in his chair, hands linked behind his head.

Sugimoto was obviously happy with her hand. "I'll see the pot's eight … and raise it six."

Seemingly unconcerned, Aida removed fourteen from the house's pile and added it to the collection.

As the betting entered the second round, Toriyama examined his cards for a moment before cutting his losses. "I'll fold," he said, grinning to ease his sense of defeat. "Too much for me." He indicated his unimpressive stash of matchsticks.

Deliberately Asuka counted out ten from her own, rather more satisfactory, store, before carelessly throwing five more into the mix and shooting a smug look at Shinji that was not answered.

I debated a moment; two pair was good, but not exceptionally so. If one of the others had three of a kind or higher they would beat me. And given Sugimoto and, to a lesser extent, Asuka's betting, the chances were good that one or the other had a very strong hand.

However, nothing ventured, nothing gained.

"I will see the thirteen, and raise by three," I said, seeming to temporise. I caught Shinji's curious look and held my cards so that, when he leant back, he could see them but the others couldn't. He managed to keep his expression blank as he noted them. I realised then that my knee was touching Shinji's, and politely removed it. Shinji drew away suddenly, but I thought the reaction was more in response to my motion than to the contact itself. He reddened slightly, but said nothing. I refrained from questioning him.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw Asuka watching us with a frown on her face. When she noticed me returning her scrutiny, she looked sharply away.

Meanwhile, the round went to Sugimoto, who did not hesitate before throwing eight, to round it off, and calling. Aida obediently completed the pool, before handing over to Asuka.

She threw down a straight, but her smug expression disappeared when she discovered that my kings beat her. Sugimoto, still confident, laid out a full house, but her jaw dropped when Aida unveiled four nines.

"I'm glad I folded," said Shinji and Toriyama in the same moment. I had to giggle.

At that moment the bell rang – we had just long enough to see that Shinji had a broken flush, Toriyama a pair of sevens, and Suzuhara king-high nothing, before we had to pack up. Sugimoto waved to Asuka as she headed back to her own class, and Suzuhara and Toriyama shoved the desks back in place while Aida straightened the cards and put them in his bag.

The post-lunch exuberance was still dying down when the teacher closed his book with a sigh and looked up, seeming to only then realise that the room was full of teenagers. He glanced over the students still whispering amongst themselves and waited for quiet.

"Ahem. Before we begin our lesson today, there are some materials I need from the store cupboard in the science wing." He looked pointedly at Horaki.

The class representative glanced around quickly. "Um, Ikari can go," she said, "and … Nagisa."

"I'll go!" Asuka jumped to her feet. She turned a helpful smile on me, but her eyes showed annoyance. "Don't worry, Kaworu, you just sit back and relax, I'll take care of it."

Horaki blinked. "Oh – okay then, Ikari and Asuka."

Shinji, looking puzzled at Asuka's offer, obediently stood and followed her to the door. The Second Child cast me a final, warning look before flouncing from the room with Shinji in tow.

I sat silently for a moment, wondering what that had been about. Asuka's actions and attitudes regarding the Third Child were bafflingly mercurial, even for her. One moment she was expressing disdain for his opinion and even existence, the next she was showing off in front of him and trying to get his attention. For every instance where she made demands on his time and insisted that he go out of his way for her, there were occasions where she ignored him completely, as though nothing he did could ever be worthy of her notice. Not to mention that although they were allies on the battlefield, every time I saw her she showed impatience with his shyness and self-effacing ways.

As I 'listened' to her feelings, growing fainter as she went further away, I realised her dilemma. She could not bring herself to admit that Shinji was important to her, but at the same time could not bear for him to pay attention to anyone except her. This included the growing friendship between he and I.

Asuka, so brave, so determined to grow up, was shy about the boy she liked.

"What's that?" said Toriyama, who sat beside me.

I looked around. "Hm?"

"You just said 'Oh', like you'd just thought of something." He grinned. "Talking to yourself?"

I smiled and shook my head. "It was nothing. Simply an enlightening discovery."

He grinned. "Right … and that means what in normal language?"

"Nagisa! Toriyama!" called the class representative. "Class has started, save the chit-chat for later."

"We will behave," I promised, and bent to my book. I did not begin reading it, though; I had something more satisfying to think on. I knew … a secret.

9. Harmony  
_He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key._

[German phrases used in this chapter are _Guten morgan_ (Good morning), _Mein Gott_ (My God) & _dumbkopf_ (lit. stupid-head).]

I was surprised to find Ayanami in the music room before me. Nothing in my information on the First Child had mentioned that she played the viola – and certainly not that she enjoyed it.

It was a peaceful scene. There was an expression of serenity on her face as she played, and although she did not smile she exuded an air of contentment, even happiness. Her fingers seemed to caress the instrument as she drew the bow over the strings, weaving natural and sensitive sounds. She sat absorbed, in a world of her own composed of pure music.

The last notes of the piece did not seem to die away – it was like they simply passed out of hearing. For a moment the silence conjured by Ayanami's song remained, then she set the viola down on her lap with a rustle of cloth.

"Yes, Nagisa?"

I stepped fully into the room. "That was beautiful," I said. "How long have you played?"

"Seven years."

"You clearly enjoy it."

"It is agreeable." Her response was typically understated. Perhaps she thought it foolish of her to feel so strongly, and reserved her opinion so as not to seem silly. But there was no need – Rei Ayanami might not have been a typical teenager, but love of music was easily understandable by many. She had no need to feel embarrassed.

I took a few steps closer. "Would you mind if I accompanied you?"

"If you wish," came the noncommittal reply, but I sensed her eyes on me as I crossed the room to the shelves of other instruments, though when I looked around her gaze was lowered and she appeared disinterested.

I selected an old violin, obviously well-loved to judge by its deep, aged colour and edges smoothed from much handling. Finding it to have a mellow, mature sound to match its appearance, I tuned it carefully, then leafed through the songbook on the stand before us. Several of the pieces had violin accompaniments with which I was familiar; I chose what seemed to be Ayanami's favourite based on her emotions regarding those I paused at.

"How about this one?" I suggested. "Do you know it?"

"Yes." Her reply was uncharacteristically firm and answered both of my questions, confirming my theory that I had discovered a way to reach out to her and amend my previous rudeness – through music.

We began to play. I had expected the piece to sound awkward at first as we each adjusted to the other's style, but it was surprisingly smooth. In contrast to her passive demeanour and closed expression, Ayanami took charge of the duet and brought a strong, vibrant tone from her instrument. Taking the hint, I allowed the viola part to lead, holding my violin to a softer, almost accent-like harmony. The result was a glowing theme, gilded but not overwhelmed by my accompaniment. It made me very happy, and as the song ended I looked over at Ayanami to see her reaction. Her eyes were focused on something distant, beyond the four walls of the music room, and her face was soft and lit from within.

"Ayanami…" I whispered.

She did not stir immediately from the music's spell, remaining silent and seemingly removed from the present. When she shifted, it was to rest the viola on her lap again.

"Thank you," was all she said. It was enough.

"Thank you, as well," I replied, smiling. "That was truly lovely, Ayanami. You have a wonderful talent."

It may have been a trick of the light – for a moment I thought there was red on her cheeks, but the First Child was not known to blush. I said nothing of it, instead flipping idly through the sheet music scattered on the bench beside me.

"You were happy while you were playing, were you not?" I mused. "Music brings joy, and revitalises the soul. Nothing can quite compare – nothing can captivate as music does, nothing can so purely portray the human heart or so profoundly stir the spirit. I believe song to be the highest achievement of Lilim culture. Don't you agree, Ayanami?"

She looked up from running her fingers over the instrument she held. "Lilim culture," she repeated, so that I knew she had noticed my term of reference, but she made no further comment. "Yes, I do agree."

At that moment we were interrupted as the door to the music room slid open, admitting the loud voice of Asuka Langley Soryu. "Here we are! Well, waddya know?"

I sat up straight, realising only then that Ayanami and I had been leaning towards each other. The Second Child stood at the entrance to the room, Shinji Ikari peering around her shoulder.

"Hello," I said.

"Hi, Kaworu," said Shinji, smiling in return. "Hi, Ayanami."

"Ikari," she returned, but not coldly.

"_Guten morgan_, Kaworu!" Asuka chirped, ignoring Ayanami. "We were just wondering who was playing that bit of music."

"It was really nice," Shinji said. "The viola sounded great, Ayanami."

She looked at the instrument in her lap. "Thank you."

"_I_ thought the violin was better," said Asuka. "You're not too bad at that, Kaworu."

"Thank you very much," I said politely. "Do you play?"

"Better than you!" As would be expected, Asuka responded to an innocuous inquiry as though it were a direct challenge. She strode across the room and searched through the racks of instruments until she found a violin that suited her, flashing me a smile as she settled on a stool next to me. Shinji quietly chose a cello and completed the quartet.

Ayanami seemed nonplussed by the intrusion of three people on what had originally been her private rehearsal – as far as she was concerned, music was enjoyable no matter the company. The only flicker of negativity concerned Asuka personally, but she did not seem likely to allow her feelings to disrupt the quartet.

When Asuka was content with her tuning, she reeled out a jaunty solo piece, evidently a favourite. Her boasting was not idle – the song did display skills superior to those I had shown in my duet with Ayanami. I listened with my full attention, enjoying her recital. Asuka's treatment of her violin showed a sensitivity and delicacy normally lacking from her personality, making for a pleasant change. Her eyes met mine as she finished, the competitive edge softened by sincere enjoyment of the music she had played, and I had to restrain myself from 'glowing' in response.

"Wow … That was great, Asuka," said Shinji.

She smirked. "Naturally. What else were you expecting?"

In a rare moment of boldness, Shinji grinned and ventured, "Do I have to answer that?"

Asuka glared at him "Why you – _dumbkopf!_" She smacked him on the arm with her violin bow. "Don't even _think_ about growing a spine!"

Shinji ducked his head and mumbled an apology, but I could see him hiding a grin. If these were the results of him 'growing a spine', I rather thought it an improvement.

Pretending to dismiss Shinji from her notice, Asuka flicked through the songbook in front of her. Finding a piece she liked, she tapped it with her bow. "This one. It has cello, viola, and … oh dear. Only one violin." She smirked at me.

I looked at the book over her shoulder. "True, but there is music for piano," I pointed out, and began searching through the pile on the table for the volume I wanted.

Asuka started. "You play piano, too?"

"Yes," I said lightly, sitting at the upright piano. "As well as double bass and flute."

"_Mein Gott!_ You nerd, Kaworu!" The tone of the insult was jesting, but she was privately displeased to find me an intellectual rival.

"Nerd? I? Did you not graduate from university last year, at the age of thirteen?" I pointed out, and grinned. "You are no _dumbkopf_ yourself."

She snorted, then returned my grin. "That's true. You'll never do _that_." She lifted the violin to her shoulder. "Let's start already!"

For the first few minutes, the song was awkward and unbalanced. Asuka and, surprisingly, Ayanami only paid attention to their own instruments and the music in front of them, declining to adjust their playing for the tone of the piece. In order to balance their volume I was obliged to play more boldly, thus losing the subtlety of the piano accompaniment, and Shinji's cello, barely audible on the high notes, was lost entirely on the low ones.

Glancing across at Shinji, I saw him frown as he listened and noted the lack of cohesion. When he met my eye I made a face to express my opinion, and he shrugged, grimacing.

During the cello solo, Shinji deliberately exaggerated the quietness of his instrument so that Asuka, when she joined him, was forced to notice the volume at which she had been playing and its discrepancy to the cello backbone of the piece. Looking warily at Ayanami as though reluctant to give any ground to the First Child, she cautiously scaled back her playing.

When the four of us came together again, Ayanami behaved herself similarly, and the song improved greatly.

"Well," Asuka said when it finished, "that got a lot better about halfway through."

"It was noticeably disjointed before Shinji's solo," I agreed.

She frowned, aware that Shinji had prompted the improvement and resentful of it. Asuka was interesting that way – on some level she believed that success by anybody around her, even the boy she herself liked, threatened her own acceptance by others. She was acutely afraid of failure, thinking that she would be cast aside if she was not surpassingly perfect.

Ayanami, predictably, showed no reaction. However, I could sense that she was impressed by Shinji's musicianship – which, given her esteem for music, would have a positive effect on her overall opinion of him.

Unfortunately, before we could repeat the performance the bell rang, signalling the end of the lunch break. I became aware of the background noise of students talking and moving between classes when it changed pitch, becoming more urgent. People began saying their farewells and returning to their own classrooms.

Shinji, Asuka, Ayanami and I started to pack up the instruments we had been using. I closed the piano and returned the violin to its case, replacing the music books on the table with the others. As I turned around, I saw Asuka already dragging Shinji from the room, leaving him barely enough time to wave to Ayanami. However, the First Child was still picking up her satchel, and she appeared to be moving slowly.

"May I accompany you back to class?" I asked her, on impulse.

She kept her eyes on the ground as she lingered at the door. Eventually, she whispered, "Yes, you may."

I smiled, crossing the room to join her. Even now she did not glance at me, but, as we fell in step, the harmony between us made me feel almost as though we were holding hands.

"I enjoyed our duet," I said to her. "It was a delight to accompany you."

She paused before allowing, "It was pleasant. You play well."

"Thank you very much. I would like to repeat it sometime, if you are willing,"

There was a pause, and I realised that the First Child had been taken by surprise. "That would be agreeable," she said at last, and shut her mouth on the words as if they had escaped without her consent.

I had to check myself – I was on the verge of 'glowing' with happiness again. "I look forward to it," I said instead. "Did you also enjoy playing in a quartet?"

"Yes," she said after a moment. "Ikari was good company." Again she closed in on herself, like her mouth was speaking without permission to do so.

Several things were suggested to me by her statement. Firstly, that Asuka had not been good company. This did not surprise me – the two evidently disliked each other. Secondly, and more interestingly, it told me that Ayanami's regard for Shinji was stronger than I had thought.

I smiled at her, knowing she would see it out the corner of her eye. "I hope that he is as fond of you as you are of him."

Her eyes widened; she stared at me for a long moment as her cheeks turned pink. Then, to my lasting delight, she smiled with me.

An exultant yell, a jubilant cry of release, a vocal celebration. "FREEDOM!"

"Mister Suzuhara, will you contain yourself!" snapped the teacher, but it was far too late – Toji Suzuhara was already out the door and sprinting down the hall.

"Oh goodie, another display of immaturity from the resident microbe," muttered Asuka as she picked up her bag and slung it over her shoulder.

Aida glared at her. "Hey, don't call Toji a microbe!" He paused. "Microbe? Huh?"

"Yeah, microbe." Asuka smirked, pleased with her insult. "Under a microscope, Suzuhara's a paramecium, Shinji's a water flea, and _you're_ mitochondria!"

"Ouch! That hurts!" he said sarcastically. "Did you spend a whole week thinking that one up?"

"/Oh, go play with a _real_ gun,/ nerd!" Asuka snapped, and stormed out of the room.

Aida scowled after her. "What did she just say?" he demanded of me.

"She invited you to play with a real gun," I translated helpfully, "presumably with the implication that it would do you grievous physical harm."

"So nothing particularly original, then." He sighed, slinging his bag over his shoulder. "Man, that Soryu … she's one nasty piece of work." Adjusting his glasses, he changed the subject. "So, how're you going with the physics project?"

The topic of schoolwork kept the conversation bubbling as, joined by Shinji, we made our way out of the building and across the grounds. It only lapsed when we noticed Asuka and Suzuhara engaged in yet another argument, right in front of a dark blue sports car. A familiar violet-haired woman leant against it, watching the two belligerents with an amused look on her face.

"Hey, what's Misato doing here?" Shinji wondered aloud.

Aida lit up. "Miss Misato!" he exclaimed, and was off running. Shinji and I followed at a rather less excited pace.

Maj Katsuragi smiled as we approached. "Hey there, kiddos," she said cheerfully. Asuka and Suzuhara's argument subsided as she stopped paying attention to them.

Aida stopped beside her and bowed deeply. "Good afternoon, Miss Misato! How have you been? I hope you're well. How's work? Great weather, don't you think?"

Misato affected a girlish giggle. "Oh, everything's been just fine, Mr Aida – thank you so much for your kind interest." Her exaggerated politeness (clearly she was aware of Aida's crush on her) caused Shinji to snicker into his hand. "Yes, hello to you, too, Shinji," she added loudly, as he and I joined them.

"Hello, Misato," he answered, grinning.

"Good afternoon, Miss Katsuragi," I added.

"Hi, Kaworu. How was your day?"

"Excellent. I came across Ayanami in the music room at lunchtime, so we played a duet. We were then joined by Asuka and Shinji."

Maj Katsuragi raised her eyebrows. "Really? Well, how about that – Rei isn't the most sociable girl, you know."

I nodded. "She was originally playing by herself, but did not mind a quartet forming around her."

"I didn't know she played an instrument," Shinji contributed, "but she's really good on viola."

Asuka sniffed. "She's not _that_ good."

"What instrument do you play, Kaworu?" Maj Katsuragi asked.

"He's a nerd," Asuka butted in. "He plays violin, piano, flute _and_ double bass."

"As well as speaking five languages? That's very impressive," Maj Katsuragi said.

"Isn't it awkward playing double bass?" Shinji asked me. "It's so big."

"Now, now, Shinji," Maj Katsuragi said teasingly, "it's not size that counts, it's how you use it." She giggled at the look of mortification on Shinji's face.

"Yeah," Asuka chimed in, grinning maliciously, "_you_ of _all_ people should know that size isn't everything!"

Aida and Suzuhara tried to hold back their cackles out of loyalty, but lost the battle when Shinji buried his face in his hands, leaving only bright red ears to display the extent of his blushing. I wasn't quite sure what the joke was, although judging by the nature of the thoughts I sensed from the others I judged it was something sordid. Hoping I was doing the right thing, I laughed along with them.

After the mirth died down Shinji, apparently desperate to change the subject, asked, "So anyway, Misato, what're you doing here?"

"My duty as guardian, providing transport from school to work," she replied promptly. "And yeah, I know you usually catch the train, but I figured since my shift starts at the same time as yours it'd be more convenient this way." She shrugged.

"Oh." Shinji blinked. "Yeah, it will be. Thanks!" He glanced around. "Uh, Ayanami usually comes this way, she should be along soon…"

"There she is," I said, pointing. Ayanami, satchel in hand, was crossing the schoolyard to the gate most directly in her path to the train station. As she glanced over, taking note of the fuss but not concerned, I waved to her. She nodded fractionally in acknowledgment.

Maj Katsuragi signalled for her attention. "Rei, could you come over here?"

She nodded again, duly diverting her course. She did not glance at the other teenagers as she approached unhurriedly, keeping a steady gaze on her commanding officer, but I sensed that she was specifically ignoring Asuka, who was frowning at her.

"What is it?" Ayanami asked on arrival. She returned Shinji's "Hi," with a nod of, "Ikari."

"No big deal," Maj Katsuragi said breezily. "My shift starts the same time as yours does today, so I figured I could drop by the school and give you kids a lift. It'd be convenient," she added. Clearly she knew how best to present the proposition to the logical-minded First Child.

Ayanami nodded. "Very well." She recognised the reasonableness of the Major's offer, and saw it as a stronger persuader than her own indifference – reluctance, even – towards the company of others.

"I call shotgun!" Asuka shouted, and the idiom's meaning was explained to me as she immediately opened the passenger side door and climbed in. She settled into the seat and raised an eyebrow at the other NERV employees. "Well?"

"All right, we're coming," Shinji sighed, and rounded the car to sit in the back seat behind the driver. Asuka smiled to herself, apparently pleased he took such prompt notice of her.

"Be safe," I called, as Ayanami took her place. "Wear seatbelts, and hold on tightly. I will pray that you do not come to harm." I looked at the major, who was mock-glaring at me, and asked innocently, "Miss Katsuragi, is your car equipped with paper bags in case of nausea?" Aida and Suzuhara both stared at me with their mouths open, appalled that I was teasing an adult.

"Very funny, Kaworu," grumbled Maj Katsuragi, and cuffed me on the arm. But she was smiling in spite of herself as she rounded the vehicle and opened the driver's side door. "See you round, guys."

"Bye, Miss Misato!" Suzuhara blurted.

"Yeah, have a good day at work!" Aida said.

Maj Katsuragi got into the car and started the engine, the sporty vehicle revving impressively. Shinji waved as the car pulled away from the kerb, but Asuka and Ayanami made no sign.

"Man," said Aida, as the car turned a corner out of sigh, "I really envy Ikari."

"Totally," Suzuhara agreed. "Not only does he pilot the Eva, but he works with three total babes! And lives with two of them!" He and Aida sighed in unison. I smiled and rolled my eyes.

The three of us began walking to the train station. It seemed unusually quiet, and I realised that this was due to Shinji's absence. Not that the Third Child was noisy, far from it – but he seemed to have a catalytic effect on people, to prompt the heightening and speeding up of emotions and interactions just by his presence. There was something special about him – about all the pilots – and I decided I would be very interested to learn more of it.

10. Procedural Disruptions  
_To err is human; to cover it up is, too._

# Good morning, Tokyo-3! It's a lovely day today, heading for a balmy seventy-eight degrees with just a hint of sea breeze and the clouds few and far between. Our top news story today – thirty people were injured and hundreds of tourists have been stranded on the Okinawa islands after two ferries collided, cutting off access to the main dock. Here's Tetsuo Honda with the story… #

# The eleventh Angel entered NERV headquarters last night in the form of a virus and infected one of the experimental synthetic Evangelion bodies. The unit's right arm was severed, cutting off further infestation. The Angel was attacked with lasers, but negated them by activating its AT field. #

# In other news, the Government today released a report outlining their plans to expand trade agreements with South Korea. The report comes just a month after an inquiry into security breaches within the South Korean Ambassador's office in Tokyo-2. More details from our correspondent at the embassy… #

# After contaminating the Pribnow Box, the Angel showed a weakness to ozone. However, when saturated with the substance, it displayed a use of super-fast evolution as a survival mechanism in order to overcome the attack. It changed its own molecular structure in a way that enabled it to feed off the ozone instead of being weakened by it… #

# Supermarkets all over the country are on the alert today as Kawamura Foods is expected to recall their entire line of ramen products, due to food poisoning scares in Nara. Twelve people, including eight children, have been rushed to hospital in the last week… #

# The Angel assumed a new form in order to hack into the MAGI computer system, seizing control of the Balthazar sector within minutes and the Melchior sector soon after. It reprogrammed them to self-destruct after the subjugation of all three MAGI. Doctor Akagi hacked into the Angel in turn, uploading a separate self-destruct program from the remaining unit, Caspar… #

# Finally a message to one of our lucky lady listeners from a Mr Nanashi. He says: 'My darling Aoi, when you go to your exam today may the heavens – and the examiners – be smiling on you.' How sweet! Aoi, wherever you are, we envy you for having such a thoughtful man. #

# Commander Ikari denies that an Angel penetrated into NERV headquarters. In a meeting with the Committee early this morning, he maintained that the report of the Eleventh Messenger's intrusion was an error and that no such incident was recorded by the MAGI computer system. #

The two reports concluded at almost the same moment. I turned off the radio once the news was finished, having no desire to listen to the following program, and erased the message that had been forwarded to my answering machine. Fortunately, the recipient list of the report Ryoji Kaji had sent to the Committee an hour ago was confidential – it would have raised all sorts of questions if it had been known that a junior high student was receiving communiae from SEELE.

So Iruel had been destroyed. No wonder my sleep had been disturbed – I had lain half-awake for several hours, feeling as though I was surrounded by vast figures, infected by fear and the urge to seek and destroy. As with the other Angels, I had been aware of my sister's attack and demise, although the connection, and thus the pain, had been dulled by sleep. Now I merely felt subdued.

Opening the refrigerator door, I considered the merits of eating breakfast. Humans, I knew, normally consumed three meals each day, and I had dutifully followed this practice whilst in Keel's house. His chef prepared uninventive if nutritionally satisfactory dishes, and under these circumstances I had not developed any enjoyment of or enthusiasm for food. Since living in Tokyo-3, in a house on my own, I had eaten out frequently, discovering a previously unimaginable variety of restaurants and cuisines. Attempts to recreate them in my kitchen had so far failed to satisfy, due to my general ineptitude – hence my combined request and invitation to Shinji the previous week.

Unfortunately, it had been some time since I had visited a grocery store, and the refrigerator held little of interest. Certainly the scant contents did not 'stir my appetite', whatever that phrase meant. I had just decided to make myself a cup of tea when the doorbell rang.

"Coming," I called, and went to answer it. I had only had a few guests at my apartment – the Three Stooges (as Asuka and Hikari labelled them) had come over to set up the games console I had purchased, and for casual visits afterwards, but never at this hour of the morning.

When I opened the door, I was so surprised that for a moment I did not respond. Shinji Ikari stood on my doorstep, a large bag in his arms. It was loaded with packages of food, plastic cups and plates, and what seemed to be a tartan rug. He was also fully dressed in casual weekend clothes and I became acutely aware that I was garbed in boxer shorts and an unbuttoned nightshirt.

"Good morning, Kaworu," said Shinji cheerfully.

"Good – morning, Shinji," I stammered. I felt embarrassed when he noticed my state of dress and blushed bright red.

"Um – I'm sorry, is this a bad time? Did I wake you up?" He adjusted the load in his arms as he shifted awkwardly from foot to foot.

"No, not at all," I said hastily. "Please come in."

He entered, and I shut the door behind him, pulling my nightshirt closed as he toed his shoes off. I was not sure, as I led him to the kitchen, whether it was his nervousness I sensed or my own.

As he deposited his load on the kitchen table, I excused myself and hurried to the bedroom, where I closed the door behind me. Why was I so bothered? My human form was not my true shape – it should make no difference how I was dressed (or not), especially when in the company of somebody of the same gender as the one I had assumed.

Perhaps … perhaps my discomfort was due to an unconscious link between physical exposure and mental. Nudity could be construed as a metaphor for my true identity being discovered, for the concealing lies and false past to be stripped away – for the people I knew to find out that I was their enemy.

When I had achieved what was commonly termed 'decency' (an extraordinarily flexible and subjectively interpreted word), I ran my fingers through my hair, tugging lightly at the strands and wondering capriciously why my human form had such a strange appearance. Red eyes and grey hair did not really fit my 'average teenage boy' persona – for a while I had enjoyed the unsettling effect on the Lilim, but now I felt distanced from the others around me.

"_Kaworu of the Seashore? The sea _floor_ more like – he's more albino than Ayanami!"_

It might have something to do with the fact that I was not truly human; that would explain why the First Child had a similar appearance. SEELE probably had their reasons; it did not really bother me … I just … felt somewhat…

Enough. I would consider this subject later. At the moment, I had a guest.

"Sorry to keep you waiting," I said as I returned.

Shinji was sitting at the table, having arranged his deposited load evidently to his satisfaction. "Oh, no, it's fine," he demurred. "I'm the one who's intruding."

"If you say so…" He was always so willing to accept blame, even to appropriate it. Did he honestly believe others would fault him as readily as he did himself? Or perhaps he felt morally justified or correct if he apologised constantly, even when the problem had no relation to him? Like he could accrue a form of righteousness 'credit', to be spent if he made a mistake in future?

"I guess you're wondering why I'm here?" Shinji prompted, and I returned to the present.

"I admit, I am puzzled." Let him believe that to be the sole reason for my curious expression. It was, after all, something about which I was speculating.

"Well, the other day you invited me over to make dinner with you, but I was busy. So I thought that, if you want to, we could make breakfast today, since we don't have school, and have a picnic somewhere. Have you eaten?" he interrupted as I began to respond.

"Not yet," I said shortly, not because I was offended or inconvenienced but because I was surprised. His offer was so fitting, so intuitively perfect that I was amazed. Did Shinji possess telepathy of some sort? How had he chosen this gesture, at this time, without knowing its relevance and suitability to me – without being told that breakfast was something of a dilemma for me this morning?

He looked anxious. "Is that okay? Am I – I'm being a pain, aren't I? I'm sorry, it was a stupid idea—" He got up as though making ready to leave.

Involuntarily I smiled, feeling warm, and pleased that he would do this for me. "No, Shinji, it isn't stupid," I said. "I think it is a fantastic idea." I put my hand on his shoulder. "I would very much like for us to have breakfast together."

"Oh … oh, good," said Shinji, but he seemed distracted and his face had heated.

Oops—"Oh, I'm sorry," I said, withdrawing my hand quickly.

"N—no, that's okay," he murmured. But he averted his eyes from mine and kept a distance from me as he began to unpack the items he had brought.

I felt awkward again, and picked up a random package to move on from the moment. "What is this?"

Shinji glanced up. "It's natto. I – I thought we could have a traditional sort of Japanese meal. I brought rice and miso paste as well."

"That sounds good," I said, looking at the back of the packet for directions. "Place the pack of natto in a bowl … add some soy sauce and karashi mustard and stir well … place the natto on top of the steamed rice and eat both together." It suddenly occurred to me that I had been reading the instructions out loud, when it was easier and no less effective to do so silently. This was such a _human_ behaviour pattern that I nearly dropped the packet in surprise. What was wrong with me? This was not the first time I had unconsciously acted like one of the Lilim – it was becoming chronic. I was beginning to worry.

"Here's the soy sauce and mustard," said Shinji, and I dragged my attention back to the current situation as he handed me the items. "I've already steamed the rice, so when the soup and natto are ready it just needs to be heated up."

As Shinji put soup stock in a pan and bought it to the boil, I added the appropriate amount of condiments to the bowl of natto and mixed them in. I was careless while cutting the tofu into small cubes, acquiring a small cut on one finger, and splashed myself dropping the tofu into the boiling water. Shinji looked ready to faint with worry, despite my assurances that I was not hurt seriously.

"Well, just be a little more careful when you're chopping the onion, okay?" he fretted.

"Very well, Shinji," I said solemnly. "I will take care."

A small frown remained. "Here, I'll show you how to cut it up without making your eyes water."

He reached in front of me, one hand on each of mine as they held the halved onion and the vegetable knife, and this action caused me to hear none of his directions. I merely let his hands move my own, aware above all else that timid, reclusive Shinji Ikari was touching me voluntarily. He had not even noticed he was doing it – as far as he knew, he was just helping me learn to cook. But in doing so, he had (temporarily, at least) unconsciously overcome one of his own greatest fears. I felt … happy for him.

"…And there you go. All done."

I blinked. The onion lay in neat cubes on the chopping board in front of me and Shinji was lifting his hands from mine.

"How are your eyes?" he asked. I turned, looking into his own, and saw that he was pleased to be teaching someone in an area where he felt comfortable with his abilities. For this moment at least, he had left his insecurities behind and was content.

"Perfect," I said, and was not sure whether I referred to myself or to him.

Together we finished preparing the miso soup, and after reheating the rice packed everything into plastic containers. I collected my wallet and shut the door behind us as we left.

"So, where do you suggest we should have our picnic?" I asked.

At any other time, Shinji would have stammered and hesitated, reluctant to put forth his own opinions or recommendations. Today, now, in the role of advisor and host, he did not pause. "There's a nice park near here. I've only been through it a couple of times but it's not very busy in the mornings."

To my surprise, he led the way to the very same park I had been to before and after my first day of school. As on that day, there were two children flying kites, a family spending time together – a scene of peace that made me feel at once serene and playful.

"I have been here before," I said, as Shinji and I approached and climbed a grassy knoll. "On my first day at school I was watching people fly kites – like that." I indicated to where the father was assisting his preschool-age son to hold onto a taut string.

"Oh, so that's why you were late," Shinji said. He grinned at the happy pair. "They're so cute!"

Neither of us really paid attention to what we were doing as we spread out the rug and unpacked our breakfast – we were too busy watching the family. Consequently, when we both reached for the container of steamed rice, we bumped heads.

"Ow!" I exclaimed, wincing away.

"Ouch," Shinji grumbled, rubbing the sore spot. "Sorry about that." For once the apology didn't seem automatic and meek – there was a tiny, sheepish grin on his face to show that he found amusement in our shared clumsiness.

"Entirely my fault," I said breezily. Deliberately I reached for the natto, leaving the rice to Shinji, and we shared a smile.

For a few moments we were both quiet as we got breakfast ready and began eating. I focused on tasting everything in the meal, mentally taking note when I caught the flavour of green onion or karashi mustard. Even those simple dishes were a new and interesting culinary experience for me – they were more varied and appealing than the meals I had been served whilst at Keel's residence. I wondered if the old man had ever travelled or experienced other cultures; it was impossible to understand his universal contempt for mankind after just glimpsing its diversity myself.

Abruptly Shinji yawned; he covered his mouth belatedly and blushed. "Oops, sorry."

"You are tired? Did you not sleep well?"

"Mm, not really." He rubbed his eyes. "We were up most of the night at NERV – there was an Angel last night."

"Oh! Is everyone all right? What happened?"

"Everyone's fine, nobody was hurt," he assured me. "We – Asuka, Ayanami and I – were evacuated pretty early on. We just sat around mostly, it was Dr Akagi and Miss Ibuki who did most of the work. I'm not really sure how, but I think it took over the computers or something."

"Angels are able to do that?"

He shrugged. "I guess so. I didn't know, either. I thought they were all giant monsters or – Hey, look at that!"

I was distracted from unpleasant thoughts when Shinji grabbed my arm. He was pointing at the family who had been flying kites – they had just been interrupted by the sprinkler system being turned on.

"Oh my!" I giggled, instantly forgetting his unfortunate comment. Shinji laughed, despite wincing sympathetically. The parents were exclaiming in dismay and trying to gather their belongings. However, their children shrieked with delight and ran around under the spray, splashing and stomping. Already there were dots of mud on their legs and shoes.

At that moment we ourselves were abruptly showered with water.

Shinji gave a yelp of alarm and leapt to his feet, but the irony of the situation was so apparent I burst into helpless laughter and fell back, lying spread-eagle on the grass.

"Kaworu! Get up, you'll be soaked! Our breakfast—"

"Oh, it tasted a little dry to me anyway," I said, and promptly collapsed into giggles again. I was vaguely aware of Shinji staring at me as though I had completely lost my mind, before his shoulders began to quake and he at last surrendered to mirth. He threw his arms above his head, giving himself up while the sprinklers continued to perform their duty.

"We must be insane!" he declared. He grinned at me, like his face had been lit by a candle from within, and offered a hand. I accepted it and got to my feet, but instead of relinquishing my grip I spun him around in a circle. When he did the same I nearly lost my footing, and had to clutch at his shoulder. My frantic grip nearly brought us both down, but Shinji held us stable with a hand on my arm. We seemed unable to control our laughter; weak with mirth, we leant our foreheads together and dissolved.

"Your face," I gasped, "is bright red – all over."

"Your hair is plastered to your face," he responded defiantly, his smile seeming likely to overtake his ears, "and you look like – like a drowned rat!"

"I certainly do not resemble a rat," I protested, but even though he had just insulted me, I joined in when Shinji lost himself to giggles once more.

Eventually we managed to calm ourselves enough to separate and begin collecting what remained of our breakfast. The wetting had rendered it inedible; it was fortunate that we had managed to satisfy our appetites before the sprinklers had turned on.

"So much for a peaceful picnic," Shinji lamented, holding up the soaked bag as we left the hill and the sprinklers' range. He was chuckling to himself, though, so it was clear his regret did not reach very deep.

"Well, now we know not to be on this hill at this hour in the future," I pointed out. "You must always learn from your experiences, otherwise they are worth nothing."

Shinji groaned. "It's too early for moral lessons," he said, then paused and caught his breath. Hesitantly, he ventured, "Um, you said 'in the future'. Does that mean that, even though it was a bit of a disaster today, you wouldn't mind doing it again sometime?"

"That is absolutely what it means," I said firmly, and took his hand and squeezed briefly. As I released it, I had the privileged experience of seeing a smile of genuine, uncomplicated delight suffuse Shinji Ikari's face. For that radiant expression, I decided, it was worth enduring a brief wetting.

11. Clay Golem  
_I accept full responsibility for all my mistakes, except the ones that were someone else's fault._

The old man walked stiffly, his back's military straightness eroded but not yet completely erased by age and long years hunching over a desk. His hands were linked behind him as though he did not wish to sully them by touching the grimy trappings of modern society and its degenerate people. An army greatcoat covered the bulkiness of his form, closed up to the neck and with the collar upstanding starchily.

However, it was probably the large metal visor around his eyes that drew the stares.

"Good afternoon, sir," I said politely, as he paused at a map of the Tokyo-3 subway system. "Are you lost?"

"Every human is lost," Keel replied, without turning to look at me.

"So you say. And yet they still stumble from one promise to another as though salvation may be just around the corner. Odd, aren't they?" I offered him a smile.

True to form, he scowled disapprovingly in return. "No matter. Soon enough, we will all be freed."

"Is that so?" The Human Complementation Project. Or, to phrase it less prettily, Third Impact. "May I ask how that venture is progressing?"

"Behind schedule, of course." He frowned at the map in front of him as though the brightly crisscrossing lines had personally offended him. "Naturally, our associates insist that no problems exist, despite concrete intelligence that there are complications."

I smirked. "Humans can be so stubborn."

His lip curled. "And what do you have to say for yourself? Your reports have been getting shorter and more infrequent."

"There's little to say. In my position, there isn't much of relevance to see." I traced a route on the map from one suburb to another. "As I have said, I don't understand human behaviour well enough to discern anything unusual or dangerous."

"Watch yourself. It isn't wise to withhold information from me." He tapped the map significantly with a crooked finger.

I raised an eyebrow. "From you, sir?"

"From us," Keel corrected himself, and I knew that behind the visor he was glaring at me. Poor old man, being harassed and provoked by impudent, disrespectful young upstarts.

"Are you in a hurry?" I inquired. I was nearly as tall as he; his hunched posture and bowed legs dulled the effect of what had once been an imposing figure. In a few years, if we both survived that long, I would be looking down on him as he had to me for the entirety of my time in human form.

"I've been visiting an old friend of mine – a university professor. I have a few minutes to spare." He made the statement sound like a threat – for a little while, he would be free from the surveillance of NERV's Section 2 agents and his actions would be unaccountable. Coupled with his 'advice' a moment ago, I gathered that he was displeased with me, and the reprimands were a precursor to punishment if I continued in my inadequate conduct.

"It is good to take time to relax when one is under pressure," I nodded, sidestepping his insinuation.

"I'd imagine school can be demanding on someone your age."

I shrugged lightly, hands in my pockets and giving the minimum away. "The academic work has its complications – end-of-term exams are approaching, so the workload has increased." I grinned, thinking of my recent, enlightening conversations with Asuka and Ayanami. "However, it takes more effort to understand the social aspects of a school environment."

Keel snorted. "How like a typical teenager."

"But I _am_ a typical teenager, sir. Do I not look like one?"

The intensity of his look, even when hidden behind his visor, caused me to sense that he suspected there was more to my statement than the jest I had designed for him. I could tell he wanted to question me, but at that moment a train arrived on the next platform and he glanced at his watch. Evidently his time was running short.

"I hope we see each other again," I said, for appearance's sake a polite youth addressing an elder they respected.

"I think we will," Keel responded. Abruptly he turned and stalked away. As I brushed my fingers along the frame of the subway map, picking up the fingernail-sized data chip he had exchanged for my own offering, I sensed his perturbation. It appeared that our meeting was not his only concern. What had Sub-Commander Fuyutski said, or not said, to make Chairman Keel so edgy?

I crossed the platform and boarded the train just as it was about to leave. It went in a direction almost perpendicular to the one I usually took to my apartment – I had only caught it to remove myself from the location of the rendezvous with Keel. The weather was fine, so I decided on a whim to walk home from an appropriate station.

As with most transport I had taken, the train was crowded almost to the point of discomfort – the usual notions of 'personal space' were suspended by necessity when so few of the passengers could be seated. I felt as though the mere act of breathing intruded on the people nearest me.

The after-school rush of students had passed its peak, but there were still a number of uniformed teenagers carrying on conversations amongst themselves. It was too early for the crowds of office workers to be making their tired, silent way home; most of the adults I saw were in trades such as plumbing or painting. There were few builders – infrastructure was growing as slowly as the population. Combined with the frequency of marriages, and the few children, I received the distinct impression that the people of this world felt they had no future…

I left the train after three stops, emerging into the bright light and warmth of afternoon sun. After glancing around to check that there were few people nearby, I put Keel's chip into my cell phone and dialled the number that appeared on the screen. After a moment's wait, a report on recent pertinent activities of NERV and SEELE began playing.

# Agent Ryoji Kaji's cover has been compromised; he is now under supervision by Section Two. The re-test for synchronisation between the First Child and Evangelion Unit 01 was a success. The first synchronisation test between the Third Child and Evangelion Unit 00 resulted in the unit going out of control and was deemed a failure. The Dummy system was approved for use by Technical Supervisor Doctor Ritsuko Akagi; the First Child's personal data has been implanted into Units 01 and 02. Kaworu Nagisa's personal data will be copied and stored, to be implanted into Units 05 through 13. Kaworu Nagisa will arrive at the second NERV branch in Nevada for a synchronisation test with Evangelion Unit 04 in two weeks' time. Pending success, Unit 04 will then be activated using the S2 engine. #

There was a beep as the transmission ended. I removed the single-use chip and held it in the palm of my hand as it disintegrated, the dust blown away by a breath of wind. After a moment I resumed walking.

So I was to pilot Unit 04, and with an S2 engine as its power source, no less. The entire procedure was risky – the scientists of NERV could not possibly understand Super Solenoid theory as well as they needed to in order to harness it. Their success at containing Adam had given them delusions of supremacy.

However, they were not entirely foolhardy. Such an experiment would require the best possible pilot; no other of the current candidates matched my natural ability with the Evangelions. And for such a hazardous trial a mere dummy plug, with its limitations and lack of imagination, would be insufficient.

Furthermore, if something went wrong, it would not be more than a mild inconvenience to have one more Angel out of the way, even if it was in the wrong order. To be rid of Tabris so easily would be a boon.

More importantly, I made a mental note to find an opportunity, at some later time, to ask Shinji about his test in Unit 00. The scant facts in the report had given me cause for worry and none for relief. I wished I could enquire directly, but unless he brought it up I had no way of accounting for my knowledge; moreover, data from other sources, though medically and technically accurate, would not tell me the crucial information – namely, how Shinji felt about it all. His personal response was paramount to me.

The sound of a commotion reached my ears from the direction of the city centre. A number of alarms had gone off and I detected panic among the crowds there. Curious, I stopped and turned to look for the cause of the chaos.

A large, black and white striped sphere hung in the sky above Tokyo-3. I knew, without needing to see, that a circular shadow would be spreading underneath it.

- Oh. Good afternoon, Leliel. -

**- tabris … i was not expecting to see you here -**

- I might say the same of you. Iruel was here only a fortnight ago. -

**- a 'fortnight'? what are human measures of time to such as we? -**

- Well, if I am to live among them I must pass as one of their number. -

Inwardly I cringed. If I did not control these embarrassing tendencies to think and act like the Lilim, certain people and entities would become suspicious.

**- that seems a cunning plan … to gain their confidence and trick your way to adam -**

- It is certainly a better disguise than yours. -

**- and now you show humour … tabris, you have changed -**

- To change and adapt is my prerogative. -

**- as you say … but do not interfere in my victory -**

- As you wish, sister. -

Blinking, I returned to the physical world and saw a number of military aircraft circling Leliel at a distance. They did not know the hovering sphere posed no threat; it was the pitch-black circle underneath of which they should be wary.

Even as I watched the planes making their surveillance, the evacuation alarms sounded. Within seconds the streets were full of people, all pushing and jostling, some carrying a bag or suitcase, others with nothing but the clothes on their backs. It occurred to me that I was unfamiliar with the procedures for this district; all I could do was follow the crowd and assume they would lead me to the correct area.

Abruptly I noticed that we were being shepherded along the road by NERV personnel. They shouted instructions to us and to each other as they set up barriers to cut off the new field of battle from the civilian territory. Things must be progressing quickly, then.

A tall, heavily built man jostled into me, his arms full of bags and wailing children. For a moment I was crushed between him and another person; they lifted me off the ground and carried me a few steps before the crowd eased a little. I was not expecting the abrupt release – I landed awkwardly on the edge of the kerb and fell. Pain stabbed at my ankle. I could not get to my feet; people were stepping over me, around me, even on me, leaving no room to move.

It seemed like an age passed before the stampede thinned enough for me to try to stand. When I put weight on my ankle I almost collapsed – for a moment pain had lanced through the joint strong enough to stun me. My entire leg felt weak.

A hand grabbed my arm and I pulled away instinctively. "No time for that!" the person reprimanded. I stumbled and nearly fell again, shaking my head to try and clear the bizarre spots in my vision.

"C'mon, Kaworu, pull yourself together – we're not supposed to be here!" The person looped my arm over their shoulder, pulling me to them with their other hand around my waist. "Here we go – just use your good leg, I'll take care of the rest."

"Mr Kaji?" I said, bewildered.

He grinned at me, a roguish enough expression even without the stubble and unbuttoned shirt. "Gotta say, I'm surprised to see you here. Not your area, is it?"

"I went for a walk," I managed, trying to keep my aching ankle off the ground. Every now and then I lost concentration and jarred it, the pain robbing me of breath. I glanced over my shoulder, trying to see what was going on back in the city, but high-rise buildings blocked my view of Leliel.

"Don't worry about that," said Kaji. "I've got a good little observation point up here."

I nodded, unable to speak as my toe dragged briefly along the asphalt, sending agonising twinges up my leg.

"Strictly speaking, I shouldn't be doing this … but I couldn't just leave you to the tender mercies of the civilian population, could I?"

"I suppose … not – _ow_…"

We made our way towards a run-down garage that looked as though it had not seen custom for several years. The roll-down door was generously decorated with graffiti, the brick walls cracked and leaking cement dust. But when Kaji unlocked a cumbersome bolt, the electronic lock it revealed behind the first door was of superb quality.

The reason for the thorough protection was given when, after seating me on the steps to the overhead living space, he threw open the roller door. Even with my limited knowledge of cars, I could see that the small convertible was something utterly enviable.

"Beautiful, isn't she?" Kaji wore a serenely possessive expression as he paused for a moment to look at it.

"Very," I agreed. I did not understand the reverence many males held for automobiles, but I thoroughly liked the appearance of this one.

Carefully, but without dawdling, Kaji helped me into the passenger seat. We took off as soon as he had made sure the garage was secure, and I discovered that the little car moved as nicely as its looks promised. Kaji caught my elated expression as we raced out of the city, and grinned.

His observation point turned out to be shrine on top of the nearest overlooking cliff. From here the Twelfth Angel was the size of a ball, and the buildings correspondingly small.

"Is this better?" Kaji asked, with a half-smile.

"It is satisfactory," I replied, matching his jesting tone.

"So, what were you talking to Keel about?"

I nearly jumped out of my skin. It took every ounce of self-restraint I had developed throughout my existence, both in human and Angel form, not to show my true feelings. I kept my expression innocent, my voice unconcernedly confused. "Who?"

Kaji chuckled, resting his arm on the back of the seat behind me. "You're a good liar, Kaworu. If I didn't know better, I'd say you really didn't have a clue who I'm talking about."

How had he found out? _What_ had he found out? I had to continue pretending ignorance, at least for now. "Oh. Well, I seem to be rather out of the loop. Perhaps you could enlighten me as to what I am lying about?"

"Chairman Keel. Your 'uncle.' You were talking to him in the subway today, during the only two minutes when he wasn't under surveillance." He drummed his fingers on the back of the seat just above my left shoulder, deliberately attempting to disconcert me.

"You mean that old man with the strange mask over his eyes?" I sketched the shape of Keel's visor in the air.

He sighed. "Stop playing dumb, Kaworu. It's part of my job to investigate potential pilot candidates. You just didn't add up. And now I know why."

I ceased my display of naivete. "What do you think you know?"

"I know that you were sent here by SEELE to be an Eva pilot under their command. I know that you were indoctrinated with their objectives. I know that you're keeping Shinji, Asuka and Rei under surveillance and reporting back to Keel." He continued to face the city, but I knew he was watching me out of the corner of his eye.

To my relief, I sensed that he did not suspect me of being an Angel. Nevertheless I could not allow him to guess that there was more to my tale. I constructed a look of poorly-hidden dismay for him and let my shoulders slump as though in defeat. "Right on all counts."

When Kaji next spoke, there was satisfaction in his voice that told me he considered himself the victor, and thus had bought my deception. "Don't feel too bad about it. Some things are out of the control of little fish like us. Nobody can keep their cover forever."

I nodded to show that I was listening to him, but wondered whether he would be reporting his discovery to NERV or to SEELE – his own situation was rather ambiguous.

Kaji shifted slightly in his seat, designing a reassuring grin for me. "Tell you what, Kaworu. I'll trade you a secret for a secret, and then we can each go our own way. It'll be like a truce. Sound good?"

I bit my lip. "There is honour among spies, then?" I ventured. I was fairly certain the paraphrase was appropriate.

Kaji laughed. His arm dropped around my shoulders in a half-hug that was partly a reassurance to what he thought was a defeated rival, and partly a reminder that physically he was more than my match. "Of course, otherwise our employers wouldn't keep us."

"I suppose … if you will leave me alone … a secret for a secret it is," I agreed.

"Good call. Now, when that blackout happened a while back, I set a virus in the MAGI computers to track NERV's restoration process. However," he held up a finger, "I can't tell you how I got past Ritsuko's firewalls. Okay? Your turn."

I took a deep breath. "I caused that blackout. I shut off Tokyo-3's main power grid. I was not told why, but in hindsight I think it was probably so you, or someone like you, could set that virus. However," I added, holding up a finger in deliberate mimicry of him so that he grinned, "I can't tell you how I got past the security at the electricity plant. Are we even?"

"I'd say so," he agreed, with a patronising kind of smile. He thought he had scared me into respecting him, and that his friendly demeanour now had caused me to bring him into my confidence. He knew he couldn't press me too hard for information, or risk scaring me off.

As Kaji relaxed, the tension leaving him, I considered the advisability of knocking him unconscious telepathically and making my escape. I felt a distinct wish to leave his company – I had just received a major shock, and was not yet entirely calm; I could not rely on myself in this state. However, the questions appeared to have ceased and Kaji was satisfied with what I had told him. Attacking him would make him suspicious of me again.

Although I was still wary, I decided to remain where I was and let the scene play out. Nevertheless I knew that danger had confronted me from an unexpected direction. The only thing I felt I could trust in now was my dear predictable sister.

In that, at least, I was not yet human. No human would trust an Angel.

12. Valentine's Deity  
_Love doesn't make the world go round, but it does make the ride worthwhile._

Normally the train I caught to school in the mornings was crowded with students. The assortment of uniforms, despite differences in colour and design, managed to create the appearance of an endless sea of identical, chattering humanity. By listening to the variety of conversations going on around me, from trivial gossip to serious study discussions, I was always entertained.

However, this particular day I was running severely late, and the few students sharing the carriage were silent and tense as they, like me, anticipated tardiness.

Recurrently since coming to Tokyo-3, I had noticed a disquieting tendency for my thought and behaviour patterns to mimic those typical of the Lilim. Last night I had punctuated the slide by forgetting to turn on my alarm clock, and had subsequently overslept – something for which I was not supposed to even have the capacity.

If Keel found out, he would be appalled. I was reluctant to dwell on that thought.

I closed my eyes for a moment in meditation, attempting to find myself amid the noise thrown up by the people around me. Blocking out the hum of conversations, I concentrated on my centre. Somewhere inside me lurked a soul that was not mine – it belonged to Adam, progenitor of the Angels. Separated from his body, sharing space with another, the resurrected husk of my parent's soul was dormant … most of the time. I felt it stir when I was near Rei Ayanami, recognising the incarnation of its opposite and counterpart, Lilith. No doubt it would also react when I eventually came in proximity to Commander Ikari, who had fused with its embryonic body.

Now, as parasite to an Angel also in a false form, Adam slept, and did not intrude. I felt the similarities between us acutely. Two harbingers, one having dealt his devastating blow and been confined nonetheless, the other yet to take their turn. Both of us were involved with the Lilim – Adam as their assailant and now prisoner, I as an infiltrator among them.

And yet … despite the parallels between us, I did not feel that I was a copy of Adam, or that my destiny must likewise emulate. I felt independent. I felt that I was myself, and that was enough. After all, I was the Angel of Free Will.

And speaking of individuality…

"Ayanami! Good morning."

The First Child was passing the station as I disembarked the train. Although her only acknowledgment of my greeting was to turn her head, when I broke into a jog to catch up she slowed her steps in response.

Before I reached her, a man hurrying in the other direction clipped her satchel with his own briefcase. The catches jumped open as her bag slipped from her hold and spilled its contents onto the footpath.

"Sorry," blurted the man. He hesitated, looking concerned, but evidently decided that his errand was too pressing to allow him to stop and help. He rushed on, not looking back.

Unconcerned, Ayanami knelt and began to collect her belongings. I hurried over to her and caught several pieces of paper before the wind tugged them away. Dropping into a crouch, I helped her pick up the items that had fallen, including a boxed lunch and no fewer than fourteen pens in as many colours. She said nothing to me as I assisted the recovery, barely even glancing up to register my presence.

"Is that everything?" I asked, when it appeared the task was complete.

She glanced around before briefly examining the contents of her satchel. "Yes, that's all." She got to her feet. "Thank you."

"You're welcome," I responded, and we began walking together towards school. I offered her a friendly smile. "How have you been, Ayanami?"

"No complaints." It was a typically uninformative statement.

"That's good."

We walked in silence for a while. I made a show of casting my eyes over the shop fronts we passed, but I was mostly observing Ayanami's reflection. When she spoke, therefore, I was not surprised by what would otherwise have been abruptness, having noted the minutae of her preparation.

"I did not thank you for your previous assistance." Her demeanour was as reserved as ever, highlighting her uncharacteristic statement.

"Previous assistance?"

"In accessing the linear rail to the Geofront and NERV."

I glanced at her, surprised anew by her recollection of something that had happened quite a while ago. Her expression gave nothing away, though, and I recovered myself. "Oh, that? Think nothing of it. I am happy to have been able to assist you. After all, we are peers, and have much in common." I smiled at her, tilting my head inquiringly. "Have you given any further thought to what I said to you on my first day? That we are the same?"

For the first time, I felt as though I had her full attention. Her eyes held mine steadily for a long moment. "I have thought on it," she said at length.

"And?"

"It is not true. We are very similar, but not the same."

It was confirmed for me then that Ayanami had determined that I, like she, was not entirely human. She sensed the Angel in me as I sensed Lilith in her, and it was to this that she now referred. Furthermore, I received the impression I was possibly the only person with whom she felt able to discuss this aspect of herself. I looked at her appraisingly, receiving a calm reciprocation.

"Is that so? Would you care to elaborate?"

"We are alike," she said thoughtfully, "in our creation, and our objective. However, I am my own person, an individual, and I will create my own path to walk. I was first given purpose by other people, but I will now also create purpose for myself."

I was stunned. What had happened to the First Child, who had been Gendo Ikari's tool for her entire life? How had submissive, doll-like Rei Ayanami become this quietly assertive girl, claiming control over her destiny?

She caught my startled expression, and deliberately looked ahead, her voice and face set and somewhat distant. When she spoke her attitude was one of detached, almost clinical objectivity, a direct contrast to the personal, intimate nature of her subject matter. "You told me that I was different to other people, that I had different values and attitudes. This was true, but of those things that made me different, many of them were of a mindset that was not my own. There was much of me that had been imposed by outside personalities, but little that was geniunely myself. My heart only held constructions, as though I was made of straw. I did not want that."

I realised my examination of her had discomfited her for a secondary reason: while Ayanami was unused to being addressed with insight by another person, it had also highlighted her inexperience with self-examination and self-knowledge. She had discovered that she did not understand or trust her own feelings – indeed, that she was only beginning to learn what emotions were. To then progress so swiftly from recognising her chains and making the decision to cast them off was impressive, even inspiring.

At the moment, her statement was only a promise; she had not yet actually gone against the Commander's orders for her, and the idea of doing so was still new and frightening. But I knew her declaration was not empty.

For a long moment we walked in silence, while I digested this startling disclosure. Ayanami kept her eyes ahead, seemingly indifferent to my response, but even through the turbulence of my thoughts I sensed that she was waiting for me to answer. Given my earlier judgement of her, she was almost anxious to see how my opinion changed.

Eventually I summoned a smile for her. "I'm very glad to hear you say that. It is no small achievement for you to thus take command of your destiny, I understand. If you require assistance or support, I would like for you to feel you can come to me, but I think you will be fine as long as you follow your heart. I believe in you, Ayanami."

"Thank you," she said quietly, the only outward sign of what I knew to be satisfaction. At some stage, possibly due to my accuracy in intuitively knowing her secrets, Ayanami had developed grudging respect for my opinion. She saw my approval of her choice as a kind of validation.

"What is the time?" I asked, changing the subject.

She looked at her watch. "Eight thirty-seven."

"We have missed morning attendance, then," I remarked, watching for any sign that this bothered her. Finding none, I took her elbow and guided her into a nearby café.

"Nagisa? What are you doing?"

I smiled at her. "We are celebrating your independence by me taking you to brunch. What would you like to drink?"

"This is very irregular," she said, but it wasn't an actual protest.

"It is also spontaneous and gregarious. Relax! We are young, carefree, and innocent. All will be forgiven." Besides, I knew her brief interlude of openness would end once we arrived at school and were once more in the company of our peers.

Ayanami stood irresolute, thinking it over, and I remained silent so as not to pressure her. Eventually she nodded.

"Excellent!" I said, and borrowed Mr Kaji's phrase, "My 'treat.' What will you have?"

We placed our orders and took seats at the bench along the front window. Ayanami sat straight-backed on her stool, hands folded in front of her and ankles crossed under the seat. She looked tense and overly proper, but I knew it for her natural posture. I stretched my legs before me and leant my elbows on the bench, watching the parade of passing people but knowing that the most interesting of them sat beside me.

I felt Adam stir within me, half-waking as it sensed Ayanami's proximity. I wondered whether the part of her that was Lilith also recognised her opposite in me – whether the lineation between the two was as clear as in myself. If both Adam and Lilith awoke, it was conceivable for them to dominate Ayanami and I, and initiate Third Impact by merging our AT fields. The thought made me feel aloof and disconnected from the immediate present, to the point of slight dizziness. I did not like to think about it. I returned my attention to the people outside the café window as our drinks arrived, compelling Adam to settle down.

There was a slip of paper on the tray the waiter deposited between us. Ayanami picked it up.

"What is it?" I asked her.

"It describes this cafe's facility for romantic dinners."

"I suppose it is some kind of advertisement or promotion."

"It would seem so." Ayanami's voice was as minimalist as ever, giving nothing away, but she held it for a long moment. Then, as if having come to a decision, she folded it in half and tucked it into her skirt pocket.

"You intend to make use of the offer?" I said.

"I am following my heart," she said, and it became clear to me.

Ayanami's conviction in herself had not developed solely as a result of my examination. The other catalyst had been the emergence of emotions that would require her to become her own person in order for them to be fulfilled. Specifically, Shinji Ikari had treated her as an individual, a person in her own right, and she had liked it – and him – so much that she had resolved to become so.

I smiled and held up my glass. "Well, here's to you!"

She looked nonplussed. Helpfully I guided her to touch our glasses together in a toast.

"What is the purpose of this?" she asked.

"It is an expression of good luck with your venture," I said, "and of best wishes from me for you."

"Oh. For … me?" She looked as though the thought of someone being kind to her was still new.

I squeezed her hand briefly. "Yes, Ayanami. For you."

We arrived at school in time to join second period class. As I had anticipated, Ayanami's openness vanished the moment we passed through the gate – she did not say a word to me for the rest of the day. When school finished, she packed her things and stood up swiftly to leave as though she had reached some kind of daily limit for interaction with people. I didn't press her, but the class representative spoke to her as they passed.

"See you tomorrow, Ayanami," she said, in a friendly tone.

"Horaki," Ayanami acknowledged, and sped from the room.

"Little Miss Popular, that one," Suzuhara muttered, at my side.

Sugimoto, the dark-haired girl who had played poker with us, was waiting at the door. She fell in step with Asuka and Hikari as they left the room just ahead of us, having witnessed Hikari's friendly overture. "You're such an optimist, Horaki," she said, smirking. "Ayanami's about the least sociable person on the planet, and cold-shoulders anyone who talks to her, but you still try."

"Well, there's no reason to be unfriendly," Hikari said. "She's just shy, probably."

"Hate to disillusion you," Asuka put in, "but your efforts are wasted on her. Rei Ayanami is as frigid as a stone." She said this in a deliberately loud voice, but Ayanami was far ahead and either did not hear or simply ignored her.

"Asuka!" Hikari admonished. "Don't be so rude!"

"Anyway," Sugimoto interrupted, "we've got more important things to think about. Right, girls?"

Asuka's mood changed in an instant. "Yep! Akira Machida!" The three girls promptly burst into excited squeals and giggles.

"Who is Akira Machida?" I asked Suzuhara. The girls in front overhead, and spun around in the same moment, their skirts whirling.

"You don't know who Akira Machida is?" Sugimoto exclaimed, her expression one of disbelief.

"_Mein Gott_, where have you been for the last two years?" Asuka demanded. "Under a rock?"

Suzuhara rolled his eyes. "Yeah, like we really give a crap about some pretty-boy movie star who can't even act," he said scornfully.

"Pretty boy?"

"You ignorant bum!"

"Who are you calling a bum, you bleach-brain?"

"Knock it off, you guys!" Hikari cut across in a raised voice. "We're supposed to be going shopping, not having a brawl. Asuka?"

With difficulty, the red-haired girl stopped herself in the middle of insulting Suzuhara. She reluctantly turned her attention to Hikari, leaving off the brewing fight. "Yeah, yeah, I hear you. Shopping it is."

"I want to go to Morticia's," said Sugimoto. "They're having a sale on hair accessories."

"And I'm going to the camera shop," Hikari said, pleased with her suppressant effort. "It's my last lay-by payment – today I get to take home my new camera!"

"I don't get why you didn't just ask your parents to help with it," said Asuka. "I bet they would've been happy to, and you could've gotten it earlier."

"Well, it's the first big thing I've bought for myself, using my own money," Hikari explained. "I saved up and got it all by myself, so it's all mine. You know what I mean?"

Asuka nodded. "Yeah, I guess that makes sense."

"Excuse me, Hikari," I interrupted.

"Yes, Nagisa?" she said, somewhat coldly due to my use of her given name.

"Could you tell me the address of that camera shop, please? I would like to buy one sometime soon."

"Fine. I'll write it down—" Hikari began, but was interrupted by Sugimoto.

"Why don't you come with us, Nagisa?" she suggested. A dimple emerged on her cheek as she smiled at me. "I know a bit about cameras, I'll give you some advice. If you're not doing anything, of course."

"No, I had no plans," I said. "That's an excellent idea. Thank you for the offer, Sugimoto."

"Oh, it's nothing," she said demurely.

I smiled at the class representative. "Perhaps, with Sugimoto's help, we will be able to compare cameras, Hikari?"

"Maybe," she said stiffly, looking away.

"Hey, Nagisa, don't be so friendly," Suzuhara said to me unexpectedly. "That's a bit impolite, y'know."

I blinked in surprise. "Oh?"

"Yeah. Here in Japan we call people by their family name unless they say else, 'kay?"

He affected a relaxed pose, hands behind his head, but I sensed that for some reason he was defending the class representative. Why would he do that? Normally they were in opposition, with Hikari – Horaki, I corrected myself – attempting to maintain decorum and Suzuhara constantly disrupting her efforts.

Evidently she had not been expecting this support from him, either. Her eyes widened and a blush appeared on her cheeks. "S-Suzuhara…"

"We clear?" he asked me, deliberately ignoring Horaki, as though he did not want to acknowledge that he had done something for her.

"Absolutely," I smiled. "My apologies, Horaki."

"Th-That's okay," she managed, not taking her eyes from Suzuhara. For a moment she stared at him, then turned sharply and dashed out the door ahead of us. I stared after her, puzzled.

Asuka snickered to herself as though she knew something of which everyone else was unaware, but when I turned an inquiring look at her she made an expression of exaggerated innocence. I shrugged and let it lie.

"I'm goin' this way," said Suzuhara as we exited the front doors, indicating the direction of the basketball courts.

"Good luck with training," I said to him.

He waved casually as he began to jog away. "See you tomorrow, aye?"

I hurried after the girls. We walked together to a subway station and caught a train heading into the city centre. It was crowded with other school students, but somehow Asuka commanded a space around her that the rest of us were not granted.

The camera shop was full of people and a hum of conversation. Hikari went to the counter to speak to a store assistant, while Sugimoto quizzed me on my knowledge of cameras, what sort of use I intended to make of one, and other pertinent information. She had not been exaggerating; she did know her subject. Before Horaki's lay-by had been finalised, I had a small, simple camera of my own.

"This one should be okay for your basic, amateur photography," said Sugimoto. "Here – the zoom and focus are pretty simple, but if you cut down the exposure time…" She placed her hands over mine, nudging my fingers to the correct buttons. "…You can get decent outdoors and motion shots. Things like kites. You like kites, right Nagisa?" She smiled at me.

"Yes, I do," I said, surprised. "How did you know?"

"Oh, I just overheard you mention it one time. Don't know why I remember a silly little thing like that." She laughed lightly and tucked a strand of dark hair behind her ear.

Suddenly Horaki appeared at her shoulder. "Sugi, can I borrow you for a moment?"

Sugimoto hesitated. "Um, Hikari, we're kind of in the middle of something…"

"It'll only take a minute. Please, Sugi?"

Sugimoto gave me a look that was apparently meant to convey something, but its significance escaped me.

"Please, don't let me detain you," I said, gesturing for her to help her friend.

Her face closed. "…Fine, sure." She turned away sharply. "What's up, Hikari?" They went over to the store assistant to whom Hikari had been speaking.

I heard a chuckle beside me – Asuka had apparently been listening.

"Poor Sugi," she said. "Guess you answered _her_, right Kaworu?"

"Did I? What was the question?"

Asuka shook her head, exasperated. "Pretty, but dense. No wonder that boy-crazy tart is after you."

"I beg your pardon? Who is a sweet pastry?"

She laughed out loud. "Don't stress your little head, Kaworu. Whatever's in the air to make everyone else all romantic, it's obviously not affecting you."

"…If you say so, Asuka."

Asuka gave me a scrutinising look. "You really haven't noticed how everyone's being all lovey-dovey? Didn't you see how Hikari was acting around Toji before? How Sugi's acting around you? I mean, everywhere you look there're couples being all mushy." She scowled at the people milling outside the shop. For the first time I registered that the majority of them were moving in pairs.

"I see your point."

She didn't answer me, continuing to frown at the happy twosomes.

"Are you jealous because you and Shinji are not 'being mushy'?" I asked.

Asuka froze. Slowly she turned to stare at me, then drew her hand back and slapped me across the face.

"Ow!"

"Mind your own damn business!" Her voice was a low growl, but the slap had already drawn attention to us. She glared at the audience, then grabbed my arm and marched me outside. I vaguely registered Horaki and Sugimoto calling out to us, but at a sharp gesture from Asuka they fell back.

Outside the store she released my arm so suddenly I staggered. She stood facing me with arms crossed and feet planted, and snapped, "What the hell kind of weird stuff do you think you're saying?"

Her outburst rocked me back on my heels. "But Asuka," I said, "do you not wish to become a couple with him?"

"What? _Him?_ That – that puny, pathetic, stupid creep? How can you even _think_ stuff like that?"

"Well, you view Shinji in a romantic light, do you not, Asuka?"

"No _way!_ Not if he were the last boy on earth! He's a whiny, perverted little idiot! As if anyone would like someone like him! As if anyone would want to go out with him!"

"Except for yourself and Ayanami," I contributed.

"Haven't you been listening? I would never—What? _Wonder Girl?_" She stared at me wide-eyed, searching for the lie. "You're – you've gotta be kidding. You're kidding, right Kaworu? That bitch isn't going after Shinji, is she?"

I frowned at the derogatory term by which she referred to Ayanami, but nodded. "We were talking this morning before school. She intends to invite him to dinner."

"What? She can't do that! He's _my_ – I won't—" She broke off, lost for words, her hands clenching violently.

I tried in vain to catch her eye. "Asuka? Are you all right? You look upset."

"Shut up. I'm fine." She sat down heavily on the bench.

I sat beside her, leaning in to offer silent support.

Asuka rubbed her upper arms as though trying to keep warm. It was a long moment before she spoke. "There's no way I'm going to – to _compete_ with that frigid doll," she said, more than half to herself. "No way I'd dignify her with that." But her expression and voice showed the inner conflict.

This was so unlike the Asuka I knew that I reacted with surprise. "Asuka? Are you feeling yourself today? I never guessed that you would let Ayanami's actions dictate your own."

She shoved me off the bench. Now, that was more like it.

"How dare you!" She had jumped to her feet and her eyes were aflame. "As if I'd give a _damn_ what that mindless puppet does! I do whatever I want!"

She stared at me for a moment as though a thought had just occurred to her, then kicked me under the thigh. "Why the hell am I telling _you_ this, anyway? You're Shinji's friend, not mine!"

I was more hurt by her words than her foot. "I would like to be your friend…"

"But you'd be loyal to Shinji first. Why would I talk to you? Why should I trust you?"

I got to my feet so I could look her in the eye. "You can trust me, Asuka, because this is not _my_ secret to tell to anyone. It is your business – it's up to you who is told. Shinji is my friend, but it is not my place to tell him about this conversation."

She looked hard at me, searching my face. "You mean that?"

"Sincerely."

She bit her lip. "Well … I guess that's okay." She folded her arms and scuffed at the ground with her toe. She stared, frowning, into the middle distance, and spoke in a gruff voice. "So … speaking as his friend … d'you think I have a chance?"

I put my hands on her shoulders so that she looked at me and saw my smile. "I believe you have more than a chance, Asuka. You are beautiful, charismatic, and have an indomitable spirit. Although I honestly do not know whether Shinji thinks of you romantically yet, I can say for certain that he respects and admires you greatly."

For a moment her expression softened. "Good." Then she spun away. "I knew that, of course."

Hikari and Sugimoto were emerging from the camera shop. As Asuka bounced over to them, all smiles and chatter, I smiled at her retreating back. "Of course you did."

The romantic entanglements of this situation had proven more interesting than I could have guessed. By now I had passed beyond the curiosity of an outsider regarding these people – I felt as though I was involved.

I felt as though I was one of them.

13. Bacchanalia  
_It is easier to obtain forgiveness than permission._

We stopped off at the supermarket and the video store on our way to Maj Katsuragi's apartment after school, so Asuka and Sugimoto were there before us. Asuka scowled as Shinji, Aida, Suzuhara and I came through the front door, loaded with shopping bags and talking loudly.

"Keep it down, would you?" she snapped. "People in Hong Kong don't need to hear your stupid conversation!"

"Well, I'm so sorry we offended your delicate ears," said Suzuhara sarcastically, "seeing as _you're_ always so quiet and demure!"

She shot something equally belligerent back at him, and soon they were arguing as usual.

"Y'know," said Sugimoto quietly, watching Asuka and Suzuhara abuse one another, "if they didn't hate each other so much they'd be the perfect couple."

"They _what?_" Shinji yelped.

Aida laughed out loud. "You've gotta be kidding!"

"Nuh-uh! Can't you see it?" she grinned. "I mean, they've got so much in common, it's obvious they're meant to be." She seemed to be directing her words especially at Shinji, but he just stared at her for a moment before bursting into laughter. Aida quickly joined him; Sugimoto looked disappointed – had she been trying to provoke Shinji? – but did not interrupt them.

I realised, although he did not, that Shinji was nearly dropping the bags he carried. Concerned, I shifted my own load to one arm and supported his with the other, achieving a precarious balance. Shinji did not seem to notice my help, continuing to laugh. Asuka, however, rolled her eyes.

"Oh, for God's sake," she said, stalking past Suzuhara and ignoring his continuing tirade. "Boys are so useless!"

She shoved between Shinji and I, grabbing the awkwardly-balanced shopping bags and attempting to take them into the kitchen herself. However, one of them was wrapped around Shinji's wrist and dragged him along; the violence of her motion upset his balance so that he stumbled in her wake, bumped into her, and they both over-balanced and fell. Without thinking, I stepped across, catching Asuka with an arm under her waist and Shinji with a hand around his arm. The whole episode took only a few seconds.

Asuka was first to recover; she scrambled to get her feet under her, socks slipping on the polished wood floor before she regained her balance and stood up. Eyes narrowed, she slapped my hand away from her waist and said, "Watch where you're grabbing someone!"

I blinked. "But I did…"

"Geez, Soryu, is that how you thank a guy for helping you out?" demanded Suzuhara.

"Shut up! It's all the fault of this clumsy klutz!" Asuka shoved Shinji in the shoulder.

"Ow! It was just an accident!" He rubbed the spot where she'd hit him. "I'm sorry, okay? Are you all right, Asuka?" Even physical assault could not suppress his automatic concern for her.

She turned away, folding her arms. "Hmph. I'm just fine, no thanks to you."

"Nice move, Nagisa," Sugimoto said to me.

"Thank you," I said politely.

"Yeah, thanks, Kaworu," said Shinji, his face slightly red. Only then did I notice that I had not let go of his arm.

"That's quite all right." I released him and bent to pick up the bags I had dropped.

At that moment the door to the kitchen slid open and Maj Katsuragi stepped into the corridor. She was wearing cotton shorts and a singlet; her hair was a mess and her eyes bleary and half-focused.

"What's going on?" she asked, stifling a yawn. "I heard a ruckus…"

Identical expressions of horror swept across Aida and Suzuhara's faces. "We're so sorry for waking you up!" they blurted in unison, bowing low.

"We told you to keep it down," Sugimoto pointed out in a superior tone.

"What's a ruckus?" I asked.

"It's just a loud, disorganised sort of noise," said Shinji. Asuka, who seemed to have something of an extra sense devoted to keeping track of what he said and did, looked grumpy that he and I were having a private conversation.

"Don't worry about it," Maj Katsuragi said in response to Aida and Suzuhara's apologies, rubbing her eyes. "My alarm was going to go off in twenty minutes anyway."

"Which means that she'd have hit the snooze button six times and not gotten up for another hour," Asuka added, switching moods lightning-fast to tease her guardian. Maj Katsuragi 'blew a raspberry' at her (a marvellous expression I had learnt a few days previously) and retreated to the kitchen. Suzuhara and Aida let out long sighs once the door had shut behind her.

"Shinji," said Aida solemnly, "you are the luckiest bastard on the planet."

"Misato … in her _pyjamas_," Suzuhara breathed reverently.

"You perverts disgust me," Asuka declared. She glared at the four of us indiscriminately. "We're going over to Hikari's tonight, and if any of you filthy lechers go into my room, you will _die_."

"Should we tell them about the booby traps?" Sugimoto asked her. The two smirked at one another.

"Ah, shaddup," said Suzuhara. "As if we'd want to go into your room. Got more important stuff to take care of. If you're gone, and Miss Misato has the night shift, then we get the house to ourselves!" He grinned wickedly and fished out a dvd case from his schoolbag. I did not recognise the title – some horror movie – but its import became apparent.

Aida yelped in delight. "Where'd you get _that?_"

"Oh wow," Shinji said shakily. "That's—"

"—The reason the R-18 rating was invented," Suzuhara said, satisfied. "Swiped it off my dad."

"So now he's a thief as well as a bum," Asuka commented spitefully.

Suzahara scowled. "Why are you still here?"

"He's right," Sugimoto said, taking Asuka's arm and glaring at Suzuhara. "Let's leave the delinquents to themselves. We might catch stupidity."

Muttering a stream of German slander under her breath, Asuka allowed Sugimoto to lead her down the corridor and into the kitchen.

Aida shook his head. "So fair to look at, so foul to listen to," he said sagely.

"Asuka can be nice," I said thoughtfully. "But she has a personality of extremes, so when she dislikes someone she makes sure they know it. She is unfamiliar with moderation in relationships."

"You should be a psychologist," Aida said to me, sounding impressed. "You understand people even when they don't make any sense."

We followed the girls into the kitchen and arranged our shopping on the table and benches. Asuka and Sugimoto, sitting at the table and sharing a serve of instant noodles, carried on their own conversation, occasionally slinging throwaway insults at us. Aida and Suzuhara were discussing the different rumours they had heard regarding the movie we would be watching, when Maj Katsuragi entered the room.

This was a different woman to the one we had met earlier. She was fully awake, neatly groomed, and smartly dressed in her red uniform and military boots. Suzuhara and Aida's conversation promptly dwindled into infatuated silence.

"Good afternoon, boys," said Maj Katsuragi. "What's the big occasion?"

"Good afternoon, Miss Katsuragi," I said. "The occasion is that Aida and I are both going away for a few days. I will be visiting my uncle, and Aida is going to New Yamamoto with his father."

"_Myoko_'s in port," Aida said excitedly. "She's just about the coolest battleship in the fleet!"

"So we gotta celebrate!" Suzuhara concluded logically.

"I see," said Maj Katsuragi. "So, you're all going to be here overnight?"

"Uh – yeah, is that okay?" said Shinji, looking worried. "I meant to ask you, but we only decided yesterday and you were at work last night…"

"Well, it's true I would've liked a little more warning … but," she added when she saw Shinji's face fall, "it should be okay as long as you promise not to be too rowdy."

"Yes ma'am!" Suzuhara said immediately, all but saluting. He looked relieved that she had not decided to eject us.

"We will be very considerate," I assured her. "Thank you for trusting us, Miss Katsuragi."

"You can prove your gratitude by doing what I say," she responded, shaking her finger at me. "You seem pretty sensible, Kaworu. Make sure you keep this lot under control, all right?"

I nodded solemnly.

Maj Katsuragi yawned and sat down at the table, abruptly switching back to her more relaxed self. "Man … these night shifts are taking it out of me. Shinji, be a dear and make me some breakfast, won't you?"

"And there goes Misato's token moment of parental responsibility for this week," said Asuka. She yelped and jumped in her seat when Maj Katsuragi kicked her in the ankle.

"She has a gun, you know," Shinji said helpfully.

"Shut up, Shinji!" Asuka snapped. Sugimoto snickered, then looked contrite when Asuka glared at her in turn.

The usual chatter resumed as Shinji made breakfast for his guardian. The day's school gossip was hashed over and current events discussed, delayed periodically by arguments between Asuka and Suzuhara. Shinji and Aida exchanged knowing looks each time the volatile pair flared up, seeming to have difficulty in controlling their laughter. Suzuhara failed to notice, but Asuka (again showing above-average perception with regards to Shinji) eventually demanded to know what was so funny. Frustrated with their refusal to answer, she stormed off to her bedroom to pack her overnight bag.

When she returned, in control of herself once more, she had changed out of her school uniform into shorts and a t-shirt, her hair in a ponytail and a teddy bear-shaped bag slung over one shoulder. She looked more relaxed.

"Mi-_saaaaa_-to!" she sang out cheerfully. "I'm all set! Are we going now?"

"Mmph," was the major's response, occupied as she was with a can of beer. She waved one hand (the one holding the chopsticks; Sugimoto and I were both flicked with rice) in a series of complicated gestures, then awkwardly held up three fingers.

"She has to find her keys– she'll be ready to drive you to Hikari's in three minutes," Shinji translated.

"I know what she means, idiot!" Asuka snapped, switching from good-natured to irritable in a heartbeat. "I don't need _your_ interference!"

"Somebody's got PMS," Suzuhara muttered in my ear.

"What is a PMS?" I asked automatically, but realised too late that he had spoken in a low tone so Asuka would not overhear, and I had just nullified his discretion.

"What?" she shrieked. "PMS? You chauvinist piglet!" She hit him over the head with her backpack. "Isn't that _just_ like a man – any time a woman shows even the slightest sign of backbone, you ignorant Neanderthals go and blame it on biology. Brainless jerk! I hope you never, ever get laid!"

Holding his arms up against the continuing teddy bear assault, Suzuhara pleaded, "Miss Misato! Stop her! She's out of control!"

Maj Katsuragi got to her feet, looking satisfied. "Actually, I have to say I agree with her. That was a very narrow-minded thing to say. Now sit still and accept your lesson." Leaving a slack-jawed Suzuhara behind her, she swept from the room.

It was twelve-twenty a.m. The horror movie had just concluded. Shinji was clutching a cushion to his chest, his eyes huge; Suzuhara and Aida had moved to opposite ends of the couch, after accidentally bumping each other and being frightened out of their wits one too many times.

It was interesting to observe their reactions and find out what frightened people; the medium of television effectively expressed the limitations in human perception that led to fear. Many of the situations that had been most terrifying to my companions, and the characters in the movie, would have been easy to understand and overcome for an Angel with superior senses. However, to one of the Lilim they were mysterious and insurmountable, and these were what frightened them the most – not knowing what was going on, and being trapped or helpless. Very illuminating.

And speaking of illumination, all three of them jumped out of their skin when I turned the living room light back on.

"Shit—!" Suzuhara gasped, and righted the empty glass he'd knocked over. Trying to look as though he hadn't just shrieked like a girl, he grumbled, "Warn somebody before you do that, Nagisa!"

"I'm sorry," I said cheerfully, amused by their reactions. "You are all very on edge. Why? The movie is over."

Aida rolled his eyes. "This guy's got nerves of steel," he complained to the other two.

"Yeah – quit making us look bad!" Suzuhara grumbled. "That was like, the God of horror movies. We're allowed to make no sense."

Shinji shuddered. "Haven't you ever been freaked out by a movie after you've watched it?" he asked me. "Every time I watch a scary movie at night I'm always paranoid – I check under my bed, in my closet, behind doors, everywhere. And I sleep with my back to the wall. You never did anything like that?"

I shook my head. What an interesting concept.

"That's it," Suzuhara declared, "Nagisa is _not_ human."

In the moment before I realised that he was joking, I understood exactly what fear was.

"We need more drinks," Aida decided at that point, and the change of subject prevented anyone from noticing the expression on my face before I could get myself under control. As he spoke he set up the glasses we had used before. Nobody remembered whose had originally been whose, but nobody was particularly concerned.

Aida poured us each a blend of cordial syrup and 'Red Wing' caffeinated energy drink – a combination designed to play havoc with our energy levels. He and Suzuhara swore by it for "making things interesting," but Shinji's face showed his apprehension. He took his drink dubiously, eyeing it as thought it would explode at any second. Feeling suddenly bold, I tipped mine back and drank as much as I could at once. My eyes watered and my throat felt like it was burning, but I managed to consume the entire glass.

"Whoo!" Aida and Suzuhara cheered together. "Go Kaworu!"

"Thank you," I said, but my voice croaked and the others burst out laughing. My face felt hot and I realised that I was actually going red with embarrassment!

"You okay?" Shinji asked, leaning in.

I nodded. I didn't trust my voice.

"Your turn, Shinji!" called the other two. He sat back and I realised belatedly that his hand had been on my shoulder – voluntary physical contact. There was hope for him yet!

Nervous at being the centre of attention, Shinji drank about half his glass before breaking down into spluttering coughs, spraying drink over the coffee table. Apologising profusely, he got to his feet and went to the kitchen to get a cloth – while he was gone, Suzuhara surreptitiously refilled his glass.

"Suzuhara!" I admonished, but couldn't hold back a smile.

He held a finger to his lips. "Not a word," he warned, smirking. "And call me Toji."

"Same here," Aida agreed. "Uh, Kensuke that is – not Toji." He grinned lopsidedly.

"Oh – then please call me Kaworu," I said happily.

Shinji returned, berating himself under his breath for being careless and making a mess. He appeared not to notice the rest of us; we watched with interest as, seemingly in his own world, he bustled about cleaning up the splattered drink with an oven mitt. Continuing to mutter self-reprimands, he hurried back to the other room. Toji, Kensuke and I all raised our eyebrows. There was a moment's pause.

A keen of woe came from the kitchen and Shinji was back in the doorway, an expression of acute distress on his face. "I was wiping the table with an oven mitt!" he wailed, and the three of us burst out laughing.

Blushing bright red, Shinji stomped back to his seat and drained the rest of his drink in one go. As he broke into a fresh fit of coughing, he held the glass out to Kensuke and gestured for a refill.

"It's working – Shinji's hyped!" Kensuke cheered, only too happy to comply. He then grinned at me. "Your turn, Kaworu!"

"Oh, if I must," I said, with a sigh of long suffering. As though accepting a punishment, I pushed my glass across the table and allowed Toji to pour in even more energy drink than previously. Shinji managed to force his coughs to a halt.

"Have we played Truth or Dare yet?" Kensuke wondered aloud.

"What is Truth or Dare?" I asked. The others stared at me, looking stunned.

"How can you _not_ know what Truth or Dare is?" Toji demanded. "Damn, Kaworu, you been on a desert island all your life?"

Shinji collected himself enough to help me out. "Don't worry, it's really simple. You say to someone, 'Truth or Dare.' If they pick Truth, you ask them a question and they have to answer completely honestly."

"It's gotta be a really personal or embarrassing question," Kensuke added.

"Yeah," Shinji agreed. "If they pick Dare, you think up something for them to do – that's really personal or embarrassing."

"Like running around the block in their underwear," Toji suggested.

"Or singing a cheesy pop song, _and_ doing the dances," Kensuke put in.

"Or if there's girls at the party, kissing one of them."

"Or going up to a complete stranger and asking them a stupid question."

"Or mooning somebody."

"All sorts of things," Shinji finished.

I nodded. "I think I understand."

"Well then," said Toji, "Truth or Dare?"

"Truth?" I said, but it was apparently the wrong choice. Toji and Kensuke booed and made slanderous accusations of cowardice against me. Shinji defended me until they quietened down.

"All right," Toji said finally, "who was the last person you kissed?"

I was suddenly lost for words. I knew what a kiss was, of course, but being without what the Lilim called 'a normal family,' or indeed any physically affectionate relationship at all, I had never experienced so much as a chaste peck on the cheek, let alone the romantic engagement to which he referred.

My hesitation was long enough for the others to guess the truth.

"You've never kissed anyone?" Kensuke exclaimed. I winced in anticipation of mockery, but instead he laughed in relief and said, "Thank god! I'm not the only one!" He then gasped and clapped his hands over his mouth as though trying to cram the words back down his throat.

"Aw, poor Kensuke," Toji teased.

"Hey, don't make fun!" Shinji said, as Kensuke scowled, blushing bright red.

Toji whooped with laughter and turned on his new victim. "Don't tell me _you_ ain't kissed nobody, neither!"

Shinji's eyes widened. "Uh—no, I've kissed before," he said hastily.

"So who was the last one?" Toji challenged.

He hesitated, then admitted, "Asuka."

There was silence for a moment, before both Toji and Kensuke yelled, "WHAT?" Kensuke dropped his drink (luckily, it was empty) and Toji plunged across the table and grabbed the front of Shinji's shirt. "You better explain that _right now!_" he ordered.

"Yes, Shinji, explain," I said firmly. Had Asuka made her intentions clear to him? They had not been behaving any differently to usual – what was the context? What about Ayanami?

"It wasn't serious! It didn't mean anything!" Shinji disclaimed hastily, turning red. "She – well, she said she was bored, and had nothing else to do. She said I was afraid, so I wanted to show her I wasn't. It – it was just a joke, really…" His voice trailed off a bit towards the end. Though I wasn't certain, I thought he might have been a bit hurt by the incident, perceiving that he had been more or less 'used.'

Of course, though he didn't know it, he need not have felt that way – given Asuka's true feelings for him, I sincerely doubted her sole motivation had been boredom. I sighed to myself. Why was Asuka so unable to be honest? She was so brave in other areas, why the hesitation here?

Toji relaxed slightly, but was still staring as he released Shinji and sat back down. "Whatever you reckon."

"Man," Kensuke said. "How come Shinji gets all the good parts? Soryu's the most beautiful girl at our school, even if she is a bitch."

"Yeah, cute but nasty," Toji agreed. "Totally not worth it, even if she was a great kisser. 'Course, _some_ of us don't know the difference." He turned a malicious smirk on Kensuke, who bristled.

"So who was _your_ last kiss, then?" he snapped.

Looking suddenly demure, Toji sipped his drink. "Hikari," he said calmly.

Kensuke and Shinji both blinked. "Class rep?" they repeated in unison. They seemed completely confused, but something had just made sense to me.

"Oh, so that's why Asuka looked like that," I said aloud.

"Looked like what? When?" said Shinji.

"After school the other day," I explained. "When Toji told me not to call Horaki by her given name, she blushed and ran on ahead. It made no sense to me, but Asuka seemed to understand. Am I correct in thinking that Horaki's reaction was due to being defended by the boy she liked?" I looked over at Toji for confirmation, and found that he, too, was blushing lightly.

"Yeah, that's about it," he muttered.

"Wow," said Shinji. "So are you two going out now?"

Toji shrugged. "Yeah, I guess. We talked after school yesterday, and we're gonna give it a go, anyway." He grinned involuntarily. "She's making me lunch tomorrow."

"How about that," murmured Kensuke. "And from the way she kept being nice to Shinji and mean to you, I'd started thinking that maybe she liked _him_."

Shinji's eyes widened. "Me?" he squeaked.

"Horaki, too?" I exclaimed in surprise. The other three rounded on me immediately.

"Whaddya mean, 'her _too_'?"

"Who likes Shinji?"

"Someone likes me?" Shinji looked as if his eyes would pop out of his head.

"Oh dear…" I wished I could take the words back. "I should not say. It is none of my business. When – or whether – they tell Shinji of their feelings is up to them."

"_They?_" Kensuke yelped. "More than one?"

"Oh my god Kaworu, you _gotta_ tell us! Please!" Toji begged me.

"No!" I held my hands out in refusal. "I'm sorry, but I really should not."

Kensuke and Toji groaned in frustration. "You bastard, Kaworu," Toji said. "You can't just drop bombshells like that and then not tell all the details!"

"Yeah, that's teasing!" Kensuke grumbled.

"Sorry," I repeated.

Shinji was staring into the middle distance. "Someone likes _me?_" he whispered.

Even amidst my discomfort, I had to giggle at his childlike amazement. Surely it was not such an incomprehensible idea? Shinji was handsome, kind, and considerate – what traits appealed to girls if not those? Perhaps there was some criterion for romantic attraction of which I was unaware.

"Right, I'm proposing a toast!" Toji announced suddenly, as if to revive the conversation that had died down in the wake of my inadvertent 'bombshell'.

"Oh, good—" Kensuke said, holding his own glass to receive a top-up. The four of us raised our refilled drinks.

"Right. Ahem." Toji cleared his throat, then recited, "Here's to you, here's to me, best of friends we'll always be." He paused. Just as we were about to clink our glasses together, he continued, "And if by chance we disagree, the hell with you and here's to me!"

Shinji, Kensuke and I all laughed; however, Kensuke also picked a cushion off the couch and threw it at Toji, splashing soda in all directions.

"Kensuke!" Toji yelled. "You klutz! Look what you did!"

"That is very wasteful of the Red Wing," I agreed.

Shinji laughed. "I guess we know what Kaworu's priorities are," he said cheerfully, getting to his feet. "Hold still a sec – I'll get some paper towels."

"Not an oven mitt this time," I suggested, grinning. He blushed and spluttered indignantly as he retrieved the cleaning implements from the kitchen.

"You shouldn't be doing it, Shinji," Toji said. "Kensuke made the mess, he should clean it up." He accepted a clutch of towels and began to pat his clothes dry.

"Hey, it was _your_ drink, you should do it," Kensuke objected, as Shinji shrugged and started mopping up the spilt drink.

"Nah, I don't clean up anything that ain't my fault – and even then it's not a sure thing."

"Misato hates guys like that," Shinji remarked. His tone was innocuous, but he was hiding a smirk.

Sure enough, an expression of conflict crossed Toji's face as he struggled internally. Finally, he growled, "I don't care! It's my policy!" and began swiping more viciously at his shirt.

Smothering laughter at his friend's dilemma, Shinji glanced sideways and noticed Toji's unsuccessful, if determined, attempts to clean himself. "Don't bother," he said with a sigh. "I'll lend you a change of clothes – those can just go in the laundry."

"Thanks," said Toji. "My old man wouldn't be too stoked if I came home wearing a shirt _this_ messed-up." Putting his head on the side, he gave Shinji an appraising look. "Y'know, you've changed," he said suddenly.

Shinji glanced up. "Changed? How?"

"Well…" Toji paused as if trying to think of the right words. "You're different from how you were when you first got here. I mean, it was like … like you were so deep in your shell and never came out or anything. I never would've pictured you, y'know, doing something for someone else – like cleaning up Kensuke's mess." He flicked a swift glare at the object of his ire. "But seriously," he continued, looking at Shinji again, "it's good that you've started sort of opening up, and talking to people, and doing stuff. Um … I can't explain it too good."

"Er … you think?" Shinji stammered. He had gone red. "Uh, thanks Toji, I guess…"

Kensuke adjusted his glasses. "Okay, now I've seen everything. Toji's _never_ open about his emotions. All that sugar's gotten to him."

"Hey, I'm not as think as you drunk I am!" Toji joked. His jest was overshadowed when he hiccupped, and the three of us laughed. "Shut up!"

Chuckling, Shinji helped Toji to his feet and pointed him to the bathroom, detouring to his own bedroom to retrieve a pair of shorts and a t-shirt. As they opened the bathroom door, we heard a whoop of surprise and delight from Toji.

"Oh no," Shinji groaned. "Misato didn't put her underwear in the hamper—"

It was quite impressive how quickly Kensuke got to his feet and raced over to the other two for a look. His cheer, and a further, "Phwoar!" from Toji, told me that I ought to pretend interest. Placing my glass on the coffee table, I got up and made my way over to the other boys. My legs had fallen asleep as I sat, and I was more concerned with this than with Maj Katsuragi's undergarments. As it turned out, Shinji was already stuffing them into the laundry hamper when I arrived, fending off eager grabs from his friends. I raised an eyebrow; he caught my gaze and we shared a grin.

Eventually Toji had the (hastily tidied) bathroom to himself and could remove his wet clothes. Kensuke, Shinji and I returned to the living room and poured ourselves another round of drinks. Shinji shook the bottle of Red Wing, frowning.

"It's half empty already," he complained.

"I would say it is half full, actually," I mused.

Kensuke snickered. "Well, I guess that says enough about _your_ personalities."

As the evening wore on, as the next horror movie was watched and the diabolical caffeine and sugar mix steadily consumed, everyone's behaviour altered. Toji was louder than ever, more inclined both to argue and to laugh. Kensuke acquired a cackle that the others described as "insane" and "creepy," and employed it to full effect telling crude jokes that he found vastly amusing. Shinji became paranoid about keeping everything spotlessly clean so Maj Katsuragi would not be angry – seemingly forgetting that she maintained very relaxed standards of housework.

I found myself developing a strange duality in my senses. Part of me was affected by the mood of the party and the energy-affecting drink – everything seemed to be much funnier than usual, and I spent long intervals giggling and laughing for the fun of it. I became fascinated by the most trivial things, and marvelled over them aloud to the amusement of the others. For instance, upon hearing the phrase "shits and giggles," to express something done for fun and entertainment, I was reduced to helpless mirth for six entire minutes, and thereafter burst out laughing every time one of the others mentioned it (something they, in turn, found very funny).

However, another part of me remained aloof, without noticeable symptoms. On this level, I was intrigued by the changes wrought in my behaviour by the drink. I wondered if Angels were even supposed to be thus affected, but shied away from that area of speculation. It seemed to lead into dangerous and confusing territory.

As the others began to fall asleep, I made my way outside. In the poor light, it seemed much more difficult than it ought to navigate around the obstacles in my path. Kensuke's sleeping bag, in particular, gave me problems, as I was uncertain where it was safe to stand. In the end I leapt straight over it, catching myself on the doorjamb, and from there ventured onto the balcony, leaning on the railing and looking out at Tokyo-3 spread on the plain below.

"It's pretty at night, isn't it?" said a voice behind me.

I turned. Shinji was standing in the doorway. I smiled, holding out my hand for his, and drew him onto the balcony beside me. "Yes, it is."

Shinji rested his elbows on the railing. "When there was that blackout, we were on a hill above the city – Asuka, Ayanami and I – and this was all dark." His gesture encompassed the broad sweep of Tokyo-3. "And I realised – it's kind of corny – but without the lights of the city, the sky and the stars look so beautiful."

We both raised our eyes to the natural sweep above. Silence fell for a comfortable moment, isolating us from the rest of the world. I drew in a breath, letting it out with a sigh.

"Man's natural element is light," I murmured. "It gives him safety, comfort – hope. It also keeps his eyes on the ground, blinding him to the light of the stars."

"Yeah," Shinji sighed. "Ayanami said something like that, too. It's odd – in a good way though – because she seems so withdrawn, but she says some pretty profound stuff sometimes. One time, I told her I was really confused about piloting Eva for my father, when I couldn't even talk to him, and she said that nothing would change if I didn't talk to him, and tell him how I really felt. And it was true – I mean, it didn't turn out great, but at least I knew a bit more about him." His gratitude to Ayanami, and admiration for her, came out clearly in his voice. I hoped she knew he held her in such regard, and would thereby find the courage to act decisively.

"That was, indeed, insightful advice that Ayanami gave you," I agreed. "Do you talk with Ayanami often?"

He shrugged. "Sometimes. She's not really approachable, you know? I used to think she was cold, but she's not. Just ... quiet. I've been getting to know her – a little bit, anyway – and I keep learning new things about her. Like that she'd never made tea before." He smiled fondly.

"Is that so?" I asked, prompting for more detail.

"Yeah – I was over at her apartment, I went to drop off the class handouts and she actually invited me in." The surprise and delight he had felt then were strongly recalled in his expression. "We made tea – she tried to use about twice as many tea leaves as she needed, I had to show her ... It ended up a little bitter, but it was warm ... and she just looked really ... content." The way his face glowed as he spoke expressed the magic that moment still held for him.

I put my head on the side contemplatively. "It makes you happy, does it not? That you are able to interact with Ayanami in a companionable, comfortable manner. It is something quite novel for her."

Shinji looked down at his hands. "Yeah. I'm really glad I've been able to get a bit closer to her. She doesn't really speak to that many people, so it's great that she can be friendly – that there's someone she can be friendly with. Like you said, it is kind of new to her." He traced his fingers over the railing, apparently finding it engrossing. "Hey, Kaworu? I just thought – when you go away, to your uncle's … it's just … you know, I've seen you nearly every day since you came here."

"Oh! Yes, that's true, isn't it?" I smiled involuntarily, feeling warm at the thought.

"Yeah. There were a couple of times I didn't – but only for a few days. It'll be weird, not seeing you for over a week. I think it'll seem like a lot longer…"

"I will miss you, too, Shinji," I said, and put my arm around his shoulders in a half-hug. "I will bring you back a present, then, to make up for such a prolonged absence."

"You don't have to do that," he protested automatically.

"No, no, don't argue. On the day of my return we will go to lunch, or a film, or something similar, and I will present to you your present. That is how it will be."

He was blushing, but grinning in spite of himself. "Well then, I'm going to call you while you're away. Lots. At three in the morning. You'll get sick of me and you won't _want_ to bring me back a present. So there."

I poked him in the side. "That could never happen. I'm sorry to disrupt your plans, but, try as you might to make a nuisance of yourself, I will be unfailingly delighted to speak with you – no matter how often, no matter what time. I could never tire of you, Shinji. So _there."_

He grinned helplessly, seeming overwhelmed. "Wow. I guess I can't win, then."

"But in losing, do you not also win?" I pointed out.

"Huh? Oh – right! Yeah, I do!" He grinned. "Kind of a win-win situation. But you still don't have to get me a present," he added, trying to sound firm.

I laughed softly. "Whatever you say, Shinji."

And just like that, I felt happy about everything.

14. The Morning After the Night Before  
_Carpe carpe – seize the fish!_

The morning sun woke me, glaring between the blinds in a sliver that fell directly across my eyes. However, I remained where I was, unable to return to sleep but unwilling to stir, until I heard a key in the lock and the door opening.

Blearily blinking my eyes open, I looked up just as Maj Katsuragi entered the kitchen. Her gaze met mine as she surveyed the living room, and she mouthed 'good morning' and waved. I returned the gestures, and sat up.

Immediately, agony infused my head and I collapsed onto my pillow. Maj Katsuragi's chuckle, which would have been barely audible in normal circumstances, seemed unbearably loud and caused the very bones of my skull to ache. I swallowed and lay still for a moment.

Very, very slowly, I managed to sit up. From there it was less difficult to meander to the kitchen, again delayed by the sleeping bags of the other three, and slide into a chair, my head resting on my forearms and pounding with pain. My eyes closed of their own volition.

"Had fun last night, did you?" Maj Katsuragi said, in a sympathetically low voice.

"-Yes, thankyou,-" I whispered. I realised belatedly that I had spoken in Latin, the human language closest to that of Angels, and repeated myself in Japanese. Even those whispers were enough to cause fresh throbbing.

"Dear me," she said to herself. "This is a grievous state of affairs. A remedy is required."

I heard the noises of Maj Katsuragi busying herself around the kitchen as though underwater – my exhaustion dulled all senses except a splitting headache. I was unable to distinguish whether the feeling in my stomach was hunger or nausea. Was it possible to get a 'hang-over' from sugared and caffeinated drinks?

"Kaworu," whispered a voice, and Maj Katsuragi placed a gentle hand on my shoulder. "Kaworu, sit up for a moment."

It took much effort to even do that, and when I did I was ambushed by a truly foul liquid being forced down my throat. I squirmed in my seat, unable to bear the horrendous drink on top of my unhappy condition, but Maj Katsuragi held me in place mercilessly. I felt very sore and sorry for myself by the time the glass was empty.

"Don't put your head down," she said then, tightening her grip. It took me several minutes to realise the significance of her hold – one arm rested across my collarbone, the opposite hand under my chin; I almost chuckled (my first positive feeling that morning) as I considered how jealous Toji and Kensuke would be that Maj Katsuragi's breasts were resting on top of my head.

Neither of us moved or said anything for a long moment as I felt the drink making its way down my throat. When she evidently judged that it had gone far enough to be at minimum likelihood of returning, she released me.

I was surprised to find that I did not immediately collapse again. My muscles and ligaments felt capable once more of keeping me in place under their own power, and my headache was already beginning to fade. As Maj Katsuragi prepared and ate a bowl of instant ramen, all the symptoms of my late night and excessive sugar- and caffeine- consumption receded, much more quickly than they would have otherwise. I sensed that I would still move slowly and wince at loud noises, but provided I went back to my own apartment before Asuka returned I judged that my condition would be bearable.

I took a deep breath, and felt acutely the revitalising oxygenation of my body. "Thank you, Miss Katsuragi."

She waved a hand in disclaimer, swallowing her mouthful in order to speak. "Don't mention it. I figured what you were drinking last night couldn't mess you up worse than a regular hangover. And please," she added, "call me Misato. 'Miss Katsuragi' makes me feel old."

I sensed that the title as much as the surname was responsible for this effect. "Misato," I confirmed.

"Yep!" She grinned at me as she finished her meal. "Want a coffee?"

"Tea please, if you have it."

"Coming right up." She put the kettle on and got out a mug. "Sugar?"

I looked at her in disbelief; she was grinning. I blew a raspberry at her. "None, thank you, Miss Katsuragi."

She chuckled again. "Ouch! That'll show me." When my tea was ready, she got a can of beer for herself and joined me at the table. "So, Kaworu. How've you been? Just life in general. Settling in and all that."

"Quite well, thank you, Misato," I said. "I now know my way around the school and my neighbourhood, and am acquainted with most of the students in my year, so I no longer feel so much like the newcomer."

"Good news," she agreed. Her eyes dancing with a mischief I did not understand, she remarked, "Shinji talks about you all the time, you know – Kaworu this, Kaworu that. He thinks you're the cat's pyjamas."

I was not familiar with the idiom she used, but her meaning was clear, and I felt like singing. I held back a happy 'glow' with difficulty, but my smile would not be repressed. "The feeling is mutual," I said.

"Aha," said Misato to herself. To me, she said, "Yeah, it's kind of adorable, really. It annoys Asuka, though." She looked at me knowingly over the rim of her coffee cup.

"Yes, I have noticed that she likes to monopolise Shinji's attention," I agreed. "And yet she is reluctant to tell him why this is so, even though she is very forthcoming about her feelings for Mr Kaji." I stopped short, realising that I had probably overstepped the boundaries of politeness, but Misato gave no sign that she considered my comments rude.

"Well, maybe she knows subconsciously that Kaji's not for her," she mused. "But Shinji, on the other hand, she actually has a real chance with, so the prospect of succeeding or failing is more real, and more frightening."

"She appears unable to resist worrying that he might choose Ayanami over her," I suggested, emboldened by her openness. I wondered if our talk could be classified as gossiping.

She raised an eyebrow, looking impressed. "You don't miss much, do you Kaworu?"

"That is not always the case. I had no idea class representative Horaki had feelings for Toji – or the reverse."

"Oh really?" Misato looked amused. "And I thought he loved _me_. Cheater." We giggled. "So, when did you find this out?"

"Last night. We played a short game of Truth or Dare—"

"Should've guessed."

"—And I was asked with whom my most recent kiss had been. The others were also asked the question, and Toji said that his was with Horaki."

"Now that's sweet," said Misato. "She's a lovely girl, Hikari, always thoughtful and conscientious. And cute, too, with those freckles and pigtails. And Shinji's always saying Toji's a decent guy, even though he mucks around. Good luck to 'em." She toasted the sleeping Toji with her coffee, then looked at me with a quirky smile. "So who was _your_ last kiss, Kaworu?"

"I have not had one," I said. I was unembarrassed – apparently it was not unheard of (just a matter of teasing) to not have been kissed at the age of fourteen.

Misato, however, appeared surprised. "Really? You're joking." When I shook my head, she said, "Hmph. Well, all the girls in Tokyo-3 and Germany are blind."

I realised after a moment that she had been complimenting me. "Oh! Thank you, Misato."

"It's the truth!" She pointed at me. "You're very handsome, despite the … ahem … unusual colouring," she finished delicately.

"Yes, I am aware that grey hair and red eyes are abnormal," I said resignedly.

"True," she conceded. "But if no girls your age can see past that, it's definitely their loss. Well, and yours too, I guess," she added after a moment of thought.

"Thank you for your kind words," I said, smiling. Her positive attitude towards me was touching.

"Kind words, bullcrap!" she said, waving a hand. "You're lucky I'm an old lady. Hell, if I were ten years younger you'd be in _deep_ trouble." I gaped at her for a moment before she burst out laughing. "Kidding! Oh, you should see your face, it's as good as Shinji's. Kids these days are so fun to tease."

I was unsure how to respond. "Um, you aren't old, Misato."

"Thanks, Kaworu," she laughed.

At that moment, Shinji shuffled into the kitchen, rubbing his eyes. "Mm – what's all the noise?" he asked sleepily.

"Oh, nothing," said Misato cheerfully. "Kaworu's just humouring an old woman, that's all."

"Huh? You're not old," he responded, as if automatically.

She and I looked at each other and dissolved into giggles.

Shinji winced and held a hand to his temple as he sat down carefully. "Not so loud, please," he begged. "My head is killing me."

Misato grinned at him. "Poor Shinji. I remember only too well the discomfort of a sugar hangover."

"Sorry we made such a mess," Shinji muttered.

"Mess?" Misato echoed, looking around the near-spotless kitchen and living room. "I think it'll survive. I'm just glad you're being a bit more sociable now. You were pretty quiet after that last Angel attack."

There was an awkward pause as Shinji looked at the table, his eyes suddenly dull. "Yeah…"

"Sorry," she said contritely. "Didn't mean to bring up bad memories."

"What happened?" I asked, concerned. "Were you hurt, Shinji?" I had not seen much from my vantage point on the hill with Kaji, but the reports I had received were unsettling, to put it mildly, and my experience of Leliel's death had been more painful than any other.

"Unit 01 was swallowed by the Angel," Misato said flatly. Nodding in acknowledgment of my stunned expression, she continued, still in that professional tone, "We planned to force the Angel to eject the Eva by destroying it, but before the plan was put into action Unit 01 re-activated and forced its way out on its own – in berserker mode."

"Berserker…?" I repeated.

"Yes. Shinji wasn't in control of the unit at the time." We both looked at him.

"I don't really remember much," he said quietly. "I just … I really wanted to see everyone again."

I took his hand and squeezed it. He went red, but returned the hold rather than immediately dropping and pulling away. I noticed Misato's eyes widen at this.

"I am sorry you had to go through that," I said to him. "Whatever Kensuke says, I am sure piloting an Eva is not just glory and victory." That prompted a smile, and I released his hand.

"Well," Misato said, getting to her feet. "You look pretty wrecked, Shinji. I'll make you something to take the edge off, okay?"

"Yeah, thanks," he said. "Um, is there enough for Kensuke and Toji to have some, too?"

"Hang on, let me see how many eggs we have…"

"Eggs…?" he repeated dubiously. "Why do I have this funny feeling you don't _cook_ them?"

"Duh! Patented hangover cure, raw egg. Ancient Japanese recipe – do not question its wisdom, young grasshopper," she said sagely. Shinji and I giggled. "Anyway, you feel vaguely human now, don't you Kaworu?"

I forced my thoughts away from her unfortunate turn of phrase and made a face. "Yes, although I admit I felt better not knowing that I had drunk raw egg."

"That's not the point," Misato scolded, waving a finger at me. "A rose by any other name would smell as sweet, and all that sort of thing."

"Romeo and Juliet," I referenced, resting my chin on my hand.

"I think that's about misleading labels, not secret ingredients," Shinji pointed out.

"Oh, you're such an old woman, Shinji," Misato grumbled, and stomped out of the room. I had to remind myself that she did not mean that literally, although the mental image of Shinji in a dress and shawl, sporting a grey wig and walking stick, was quite compelling.

A hand was waved in front of my face and I returned my attention to the present.

"Kaworu?" Shinji asked. "Why are you smiling like that?"

I grinned and nudged him under the table with a foot. "Oh, no reason. But how the tables have turned – Misato now accuses _you_ of being an old woman. Evidently we have convinced her that her youth is not beyond recall."

Shinji clapped a hand over his mouth to stifle his giggles. "Kaworu!" he exclaimed reprovingly, but his eyes were merry.

"Yes, Shinji?" I asked innocently, assuming an utterly innocuous expression as I held his eyes.

"You – you're so…" He fumbled, lost for words. "You're just _you!_"

I touched his shin with my foot again, grinning. "But who else would I be?"

His face had begun to colour anew. "Well, nobody, I guess." He shifted in his seat, but retained the contact between us.

A blinding flash of light broke our communion. I blinked and glanced around. Kensuke had his camera pointed at us. "Well, isn't _this_ a cute picture," he chuckled as he lowered it from his eye.

"Kensuke!" Shinji protested. Predictably, he'd drawn back from me the instant he discovered we had company. I sighed, crossing my ankles under the table.

"Hey, if I'd warned you, you would've stopped," said Kensuke reasonably as he sat down. His eyes were red-rimmed and his voice rasped a bit, but he seemed to be functioning better than either Shinji or I had been.

"Stopped – W-We weren't doing anything!"

"Sure you were! You were being … well, friendly, and comfortable, and for once not acting like you're allergic to people. I don't know how you did it, Kaworu," he added to me, "but kudos to you, man. Shinji's a complete turtle around everyone else."

"I am a powerful but subtle hypnotist," I said seriously, and Kensuke laughed.

"Ha! I wouldn't be surprised!"

"Surprised at what?" asked Misato, re-entering the kitchen with a paper bag in her hand.

"Oh – Good morning, Miss Misato!" Kensuke exclaimed, jumping to his feet and bowing respectfully. "I hope you had a good day at work! I mean, a good night at work! I was just saying that I wouldn't be surprised if Kaworu was a hypnotist, 'cause he managed to get Shinji to act like a normal person who doesn't have a phobia about people!" He said all this very quickly.

"Yes, I've noticed that," Misato agreed, smirking at Shinji and I. "So what pointed it out to you?"

"Here—" He fumbled with his camera for a moment, then showed her the photograph he had taken. "Amazing, isn't it?"

"Wow! That _is_ amazing!" Misato beamed at me. "Congratulations, Kaworu, you've broken the steel barrier known as Shinji's personal space."

"Hey, don't say that sort of stuff about me," Shinji protested weakly, but Misato and Kensuke didn't hear him.

"And also well done to _you_ for getting it on film, Aida."

He blushed. "Oh, it was nothing really – just happened to be in the right place at the right time. It was just luck."

"Well, luck is a part of ability." Misato peered at Kensuke's rapidly reddening face. "Why, Aida! You're not _blushing_, are you?" she teased. "Oh, how _very_ humble! Well, at least somebody here still appreciates me." She smirked.

"Of course! I mean – uh – I have a lot of respect for you, Miss Misato, and … um…" Stumbling into silence, Kensuke looked at the floor. His mouth worked silently for a moment before he found words to put into it. "Er, so – so you know about Toji and class rep?"

"That? Yeah, Kaworu told me this morning. I think it's very sweet. And I'm hoping it'll inspire Shinji to get out there and into the scene!"

"Misato!" Shinji complained.

She giggled. "C'mon, Shinji, you've been here for _months_ now and haven't had so much as a date. You're too shy! I bet there're plenty of girls who'd go out with you! Just be brave, take the plunge!"

"_Carpe diem!_" I added.

Shinji had gone steadily redder throughout Misato's speech, wringing his hands in his lap and staring fixedly at the table in front of him. "I – well … I don't know … I mean…"

"Isn't there anybody you like?" Kensuke asked. "Asuka? Ayanami?"

"I'm not sure if – _What_ did you say? Asuka? _Ayanami?_"

"Yeah! Don't pretend they're not both totally gorgeous!"

To nobody's surprise, he was blushing again. "Well – yeah, but – I mean, it's not like … it's more complicated than that…"

I frowned. If the idea of being interested in either the Second or First Children was so startling to him, that did not bode well for them. I leant forward. "Do you not agree that Asuka and Ayanami are attractive, Shinji?"

He turned a victimised expression on me. "Not you too, Kaworu!" he lamented.

I put a hand on his shoulder and adopted my best this-is-for-your-own-good voice. "Now, now, Shinji. I'm afraid this dilemma is more important than mere friendship or loyalty. Getting you involved in romantic relationships takes priority."

By now Misato and Kensuke were clutching their sides with laughter. Shinji stared at me helplessly for a moment before putting his head on the table and joining them. I rubbed his back sympathetically.

When Toji entered the kitchen, looking like death warmed up, he glanced blearily around at the laughing trio before turning a questioning look on me. I smiled and shrugged, twirling a finger around my ear in a gesture I had seen used to describe someone as insane. He nodded and shambled over to the table.

"'Morning," he muttered, propping his cheek on one palm.

"Yes," I agreed happily. "It is a very good morning."

15 Alarums and Excursions.  
_Nothing is foolproof – fools are so ingenious__._

We noticed each other at the same time, though when our eyes met our reactions were predictably different: while I smiled and waved, Ayanami simply nodded. I was not fazed by the minimalism of her response, though I knew it would seem odd to an observer. What mattered more was that, as I picked up my bag and started walking towards her, she spoke briefly to the NERV agents on either side of her and got to her feet.

We met in the centre of the terminal, near the colour-coded display informing me that my flight had been delayed by fifty minutes. There was no smile or expression of greeting on her face, but a slight relaxation in her posture, and a near-imperceptible lightness to her step, told me that she was indeed glad to see me.

"Ayanami, what a pleasant surprise." I bowed politely to her – the gesture could have seemed overly formal, but I judged it appropriate given her unfamiliarity with casual friendliness.

"Nagisa," she answered, characteristically reserved.

"It is some time since I have seen you in class. How have you been?"

"No problems. And you?"

"I am doing quite well. The weather is very good today, don't you think?"

She nodded non-committally, and glanced, apparently without meaning to, at a nearby row of empty seats.

I followed her gaze. "Do you have time to spare? Enough that we might sit and talk?"

"Yes, there is time." Without looking at me, she walked across to the seats and sat down, knees pressed together and hands folded in her lap

I followed, depositing my overnight bag beside my feet, and sat back with my ankles crossed and hands in my pockets. "May I ask what brings you here?" I inquired of Ayanami.

"The Commander's flight from Beijing will be landing shortly," she said. "He requested that I be present for his arrival." She seemed a shade more energised than usual, as if in anticipation; I wondered if, despite her newfound independence, Ayanami was still affected by the actions – and the presence or absence – of her guardian.

"Has he been gone long?" I asked, as if I was not perfectly aware that his diplomatic excursion had been less than a week's duration.

"Five days." The swiftness of her reply, and the slightly downcast tone in which it was delivered, told me my instincts had been correct. She did not give me time to question her though, asking me, "What of you, Nagisa? Why are you here?"

"I am going to visit my uncle, who lives in New Osaka."

"Your 'uncle'."

"My guardian," I amended, accepting the reminder that, with Ayanami, I had no need to act out a charade of normal human relations.

She nodded imperceptibly. "When will you be returning?" Her voice was impassive and gave nothing away, and I wondered what she was concealing this time.

"In about a week, roughly," I answered lightly, and watched for her reaction.

Ayanami appeared to find her shoes intensely interesting. "Do you have more detailed information?" she said at last, sounding as though the words had emerged against her will and judgement.

I hid my smile – I was pleased that Ayanami evidently wanted to know about my movements for her own interest (since if she had been enquiring for other purposes she would not have hesitated), but at the same time I did not want to draw her attention to it, for fear she would become embarrassed and distance herself from me.

"I am expecting to be away from Tokyo-3 for nine days," I said. "I hope I may see you soon after my return?"

Although she did not move, I sensed a shrug in her response. "Perhaps."

"Well, if I do not see you at school, may I contact you? We could arrange a meeting at a more convenient time and place."

Her voice was so quiet I could barely hear her. "You may do as you like."

I did not hide my smile this time. "I would look forward to it."

Our conversation was interrupted by a shriek, "_Daddy!_", and a young girl ran past us, hair flying; I watched as she collided at high speed with a man in a business suit. He had dropped his suitcases in order to gather her up in his arms and swing her around. The two were laughing with joy and I found myself smiling involuntarily in response.

Ayanami was also watching them, though furtively, out the corner of her eye. I sensed just a tinge of wistfulness in her regard.

"It is difficult to be cynical when witnessing such a scene, is it not?" I asked of her. She did not answer, and I continued, "There seems to be so little optimism in this world; people perceive only hatred, greed and futility. But reuinions such as these are happening all around us, every time a plane arrives, every time people come together after a separation, and most often it is an occasion of happiness. It is love."

"They react with such intensity because they feel acutely alone," Ayanami said, her voice flat and dull.

I shook my head. "I do not believe so. It is human nature to reach out, to cherish the bonds formed between people as good things in themselves, rather than merely alternatives to unbearable loneliness, and regardless of need or desperation. I think humans were made to love, and that love is everywhere in the world of humans."

We watched a young couple embrace with barely-restrained passion. "But they are so insecure," said Ayanami. "Their lives are so small and petty."

"Everything is petty to someone – each person has different priorities. There may not be objective value to human life and experience, but to the ones involved it is priceless, and a person may be the whole world to another. I think there is something honest about this intensity – their world may be small to an outsider, but it is all they have, and they pour all of themselves into it."

"Is that true?" she asked. "Since the Second Impact it seems people are defeated. They no longer truly live – they have no sense of the future or of a larger world than their own."

I noted to myself, but did not mention to my companion, that if she was capable of such insight, then Rei Ayanami was clearly not as withdrawn as most people (herself included) believed her to be.

"I must admit, I also have that impression," I conceded. "People no longer want to conquer the world and leave a legacy – there is no point in 'going down in history', because there will be nobody to know that history. Vision is often limited to the here-and-now, with severe restrictions on what constitutes both states. And yet..." I looked around again at the crowd of people, at families and friends rushing together in mutual joy and affection. "And yet, I think it can still be real, and wonderful."

"You are far more optimistic than you have cause for," Ayanami murmured, but I sensed anew her wistfulness. I hoped she, too, would one day experience what I saw in the humans around us.

At that moment, the air was rent by the piercing wail of the airport alarm system.

# Attention! Attention! A state of emergency has been declared for the Tokai district. Please remain where you are. Keep calm and follow the directions of security staff. Repeat, a state of emergency has been declared for the Tokai district. Please follow the directions of security staff. #

A state of mass panic and chaos failed to ensue, to my surprise – despite the ongoing, disastrous Angel attacks, most people in the terminal reacted with tension, rather than hysteria. The general noise level rose as people began speaking more loudly, but yelling was restricted; people alternately hurried about and huddled in groups, but there was no stampeding mob. Airline staff, beseiged immediately at desks and as they moved around, did not waver in their attitudes of helpful direction: they answered questions put to them as best they could, but were mostly restricted to reiterating that security officers would arrive shortly to direct the emergency safety procedures.

Ayanami had gotten to her feet when the announcement came over. Her expression was set and resolute. "If a new Angel has appeared, the airport will be locked down. I will need to contact NERV headquarters." She looked at me. "What can you tell me?"

"I cannot sense the presence of any Angel," I said, after searching for a minute. "But do you not detect their presence when they are near, Ayanami?"

She shook her head. "I am able to perceive your true nature, but aside from that it seems my body and mind obey the restrictions of human form more than yours do."

"You may notice that more humans have grey hair than blue," I pointed out mildly.

Ayanami gave me a quelling look.

There was a fresh surge in noise and activity in our vicinity, and I saw that several dozen security personnel had entered the terminal. Their uniforms disclosed them to be JSSDF forces – apparently NERV had not yet mobilised to the extent of crowd control. One of them, in regalia more ceremonial than utilitarian, strode over to a check-in desk, his entourage clearing the crowd of civilians in his path. He took a public address handset from a staff member, and silence fell as he began to speak.

# This is Captain Inami of the Japan Strategic Self-Defence Force. There is no cause for alarm. Our forces are currently identifying and containing a minor security issue. You are required to cooperate with emergency safety protocols. These procedures are precautionary only – the situation is completely under control. #

I raised an eyebrow at Ayanami, hoping to share my amusement at the captain's downplaying of the situation, but she was not looking at me.

Capt Inami gave directions for the civilians to follow JSSDF personnel down the fire escapes and to the underground bunkers, enjoining us to remain calm and comply with all directions quickly and in an orderly fashion. Despite this, when his announcement concluded and the security staff began to round people up, the crowded terminal descended promptly into a chaotic muddle.

"This way," I said, and guided Ayanami to a vacant corner of the room. "You should contact NERV and find out what is going on. Do you have your mobile phone with you?"

She shook her head. "I left my belongings with the agents who escorted me here."

"Then use mine." I rummaged in my backpack and pulled out my phone. Ayanami took it with a nod of thanks and dialled a certain number – she hid the keypad with her other hand, but I listened to the beeps and was able to hear and memorise the sequence of notes, more out of habit than for any particular purpose.

In the general disorder of the evacuation, we went unnoticed for a while. I watched as people milled around, talking amongst themselves in loud voices to reassure one another, before hurrying to the exit as soon as their turn came. There was much pushing and jostling as people tried to leave as quickly as possible – I heard the word 'Angel' mentioned frequently, and it became apparent that many people had concluded that this was another attack and they simply weren't being told so.

"You two, get over there!" A JSSDF soldier waved to get my attention and gestured that Ayanami and I should join the crowd, as they approached the exit.

I glanced at Ayanami; she shook her head at me without pausing in her conversation.

"Hurry it up!" the soldier barked. "This is an emergency – it's no time to be making calls. You can do that later."

"My friend is contacting NERV headquarters to find out how their response and investigation are progressing," I explained.

The soldier gave me a dubious look. "Right, and I'm the Admiral of Japan's Navy. Get moving, you two!"

I was about to protest when I saw, at the far end of the terminal, two agents in NERV uniforms. They passed through the security cordon and surveyed the fast-emptying terminal. I waved; as they glanced in my direction I pointed to Ayanami. They immediately strode towards us.

"These gentlemen will explain to you," I said to the soldier, who looked around and started in surprise as the agents bore down on him. They ignored him, however, as beneath their notice.

"First Child," said one sternly, and they halted beside her. "You should have contacted us as soon as the state of emergency was declared."

"Understood," said Ayanami into the mobile phone. She hung up, then turned her attention on the agents. "The response team is at the site of the alert. An Angel has been reported, but not confirmed. NERV is on standby, condition yellow."

The JSSDF soldier was staring. I gestured for him to close his mouth.

"I see," said the senior agent. "The Commander's plane has been grounded on runway sixteen and your presence is required. Come with us." They indicated for Ayanami to precede them from the terminal.

"Understood," she said, her posture straightening slightly with the news that she would shortly be reunited with Commander Ikari. She held out my mobile phone to me. "Thank you for your assistance, Nagisa."

"You're welcome. I will see you in a few weeks, then."

"Yes." She turned and started walking, the NERV agents just behind her. They swept past the JSSDF soldier, who saluted them smartly before returning to crowd-herding duty in the opposite direction.

I hesitated, then ran after them. "Ayanami, just a minute." I fell into step beside her; the agents looked disapproving, but not enough to interfere.

"Ayanami, tell me – you will be relieved to see the Commander again, yes?"

She looked steadfastedly ahead, but her expression was troubled.

I leant in, voice lowered. "This feeling makes you anxious, does it not? You worry that a continuing emotional attachment to the Commander might compromise your commitment to becoming your own person. Ayanami, please do not be concerned. Even if you are unsatisfied with the legitimacy of this bond, and wish to alter or terminate it, such change takes time. The human heart is loyal, and having once developed feeling will not instantly unlearn it upon the decision of its owner. The fact that you are experiencing this is itself proof that your heart and emotions are real." I put my hand lightly over hers. "Be patient. In time, your heart will catch up with your mind."

One of the NERV agents took me by the shoulder and steered me away from her. "You are not authorised to go any further," he said, and I noticed that we had reached the JSSDF's security cordon. "Go with the other civilians. This area needs to be totally evacuated."

"Yes, yes, I will," I said, brushing his hand off my shoulder. "Ayanami, do you understand me?"

"Yes," she said quietly. "I understand." She paused, then at last looked me in the eye. "Thank you."

The JSSDF and NERV personnel asked the civilians, as we assembled in the emergency shelter, not to make mobile phone calls until the crisis was resolved and the state of emergency lifted. They were not stringent in enforcing this, however, and I saw and heard people on all sides speaking urgently into their phones. The tension and seriousness of the situation came out in their speech, and I realised that many of the conversations around me featured the words, "I love you."

I remembered Toji's worry for his sister and for Shinji, and could not help but smile. It seemed that crisis brought out the best in people: the important things, those on which they focused in times of trial, were so often the most positive.

As it turned out, the 'emergency' was nothing but a false alarm: there had been an industrial accident at a nearby storage facility for the national museum, and firemen arriving at the scene were confronted by a ghastly, alien creature amongst the wreckage. They raised the alarm, attracting remote scanners and an NERV response team who, upon investigation, determined the 'Angel' to be a full-size, lifelike model of a giant squid – bizarre, but hardly a threat.

"Especially after being dissected," I added, and Keel grunted disapprovingly.

"Now is not the time to be flippant," he grumbled. I could picture his scowl; fortunately, since I had not engaged video call, he was unable to see me smirking. "You are already three hours late for your planned arrival in New Osaka."

"I would apologise, but there was truly nothing to be done," I said. "I had to maintain my cover as a civilian, and that entailed cooperating with the JSSDF and NERV." I turned the page of the newspaper; at the rate I was going, I would be finished with it long before my plane left Tokyo-3 airport. Departing flights had only just resumed, and mine had been delayed anyway.

"It also means that your arrival in Nevada will likely be over six hours late, and we are already more than eight percent behind schedule as it is."

"So my tardiness will probably be unnoticed in the general disorder," I suggested.

"That's enough," he snapped. "Your attitude does you no favours, Tabris."

"Yes, yes, I know ... 'Uncle'."

"Dismissed," Keel barked, and hung up. I listened idly to the polyphonic dial tone of the secured and encrypted connection, then sighed and flipped my mobile phone shut.

Expressions and affirmations of love all around me, people connecting with those important to them, and I traded cold remarks with a nasty old man, who regarded me as a despised but necessary tool. How easily I understood Ayanami's wistfulness – and how intensely I suddenly longed to see Shinji.

Well, I had told him I would contact him frequently...

# Hello? #

"Hello, Shinji."

# Kaworu! Hi! Wow, I wasn't expecting you to call so soon – I'm really happy to hear from you! #

I grinned, irrepressibly delighted. "How convenient, for I am also pleased to speak to you."

Shinji laughed; I could clearly imagine the expression on his face, and felt warm and deeply happy. This was what humans searched for in each other, I knew, and why they built and nurtured the bonds they formed. This was what made life precious.

15. Skating on Thin Ice (and falling through)  
_If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you haven't tried before._

If I had been prone to nightmares, they might have visited me after such an incident. A round room, filled with an orange glow. Glass walls like those of a giant aquarium – but the fish filling it were of no value. They were mere mockeries – spare parts – hollow constructions of meat. They laughed, careless, thoughtless; echoes of me, of my face and form. Their vacant eyes stared into my mind, into my heart, and, most of all, into the only difference between us. My soul. But for that, we were the same.

I reached out to touch the tank wall; the cold dry glass felt wet, as if the barrier was weak and insubstantial. As though the lineation that gave me individuality – the fact that my AT field was my own, not an artificial prop – was arbitrary, insubstantial. It allowed the scent of blood to permeate, the sound of empty laughter, the chill of raw LCL. My breath misted on the glass.

One of _them_ drifted closer to me, drawn by the slow currents inside the tank. It looked at me, tilting its head sideways, empty smile lighting as though it recognised something like itself. Wisps of grey hair floated around its face to give the illusion that it was capable of independent motion. By accident its hand lifted, brushed the glass opposite mine.

I wanted to destroy it.

"You are not me," I whispered. "You are not an individual. You have no soul, no heart. You are nothing more than a carbon copy, a vessel waiting to be filled."

It giggled at me. Its hand pressed flat against the glass, a perfect match for my own.

The next instant I was inside the tank, floating before it, our hands clasped loosely but with the inescapability of steel.

I breathed in sharply and my lungs filled with LCL – dirty, contaminated, and poisonous. I choked, coughed violently, scrabbled at my throat with my free hand. The copy of me twined its fingers around mine and drew me closer to it, an unearthly smile on its face. Its other hand curled around my waist, ignoring the spasms that wracked my torso.

"Let me go," I gasped, "let me go…"

"But you are like me," it said, still smiling. Its voice was mine, and yet not mine – as though it used the same vocal chords, but without the ability or will to replicate my speech patterns. "This is where you belong. Do you not want to belong? Do you not seek the company of others like you?"

I pushed feebly at its shoulder, trying to draw breath. "We are not … the same. I am myself…"

"We are you," chorused the voices around me – other clones drawing near, reaching towards me. "We are the same as you are. All of us, alike." They laughed, empty skulls forming grins, empty voices making noise.

"Stay with us," said the first. "We are your family. This is your home."

"No," I whispered. "No!" I was dying, unable to breathe, my lungs and throat clogged with blood. The face in front of me – _not me not mine!_ – grew larger as the copy held me against it. It covered my mouth with its own and I tasted death. An endless, lifeless void yawned inside me as it emptied me of my soul. Without a voice, without a heart, I screamed.

"NO!"

My legs collapsed. I dropped to my hands and knees and gasped, feeling my back arch, feeling ribs strain as they filled my lungs with air – Air! Blessed, sweet air! Relief made my bones weak. I had escaped; I could breathe.

A movement in my peripheral vision caught my attention. I looked up and saw the first clone, the one who had held me, floating away. It half-faced me, watching out of the corner of its eye, a knowing smirk curving its lips. When I blinked, the expression disappeared, replaced by the customary vacant smile.

I got to my feet, though my legs shook and I could feel my heartbeat racing unsteadily. Silence filled the room – the empty laughter had stopped. None of the clones would look at me; I found I could not stand to look at them. I ran.

By the time I reached the outside of the building, I was sobbing for breath. I slammed the door open and let it fall shut behind me as I leant against the sun-soaked wall, hands on my knees, attempting to calm myself. Panic still stormed in my veins, whirled inside my head, danced butterflies in my stomach. I slid down the wall and sat in the dust, hugging my knees.

"This is where you belong."

No.

"We are you."

No!

"All of us, alike."

_No!_

I dropped my head on my arms. Though I squeezed my eyes shut, I still saw the clone's face, saw our fingers entwined. Though I rested against sun-warmed bricks, I felt its cold hand on my back. Though I took deep gulps of the desert air, I tasted its mouth as it sealed mine and emptied me of soul, heart, memories – everything that made me who I was.

I was _not_ like them! They were not me! They carried my thoughts, not my memories. They wore my face, but not my heart. They had my body – they would never have my soul. I was myself, my own person, the only Kaworu Nagisa. They … they were only pale shades. No more.

The sounds of activity roused me from introspection. I glanced up, seeing but not seeing the fleet of trucks as they passed. No doubt they were carrying some vital components for the Evangelion. I looked around for a clock; seeing none, I checked the position of the sun. It appeared to be noon; the startup test was due in only a few hours. The pilot would be required soon.

My shoes crunched on sand as I got to my feet. The desert was an open oven, baking everything in midday heat, but even this Nevadan heat could not rid me of the pervasive chill that had settled in me while in the presence of those clones. They had been created as components for the Dummy system: a simulation to fool the Evangelion into thinking it carried a soul. Through the clone's digitised mental presence, the unit could be controlled without an actual pilot.

They were spare parts … spare copies of me.

And because of this, as long as they existed I was immortal. If I was killed, my soul could be trapped inside one of those empty shells. I would lose my memories, my personality, but I would continue to exist. The seventeenth Angel would not have fallen, nor Adam who accompanied me.

Knowing Keel and the other members of SEELE as well as I did, I correctly interpreted the second meaning behind this supposed boon: if I did not follow orders, if I rebelled, they could kill me and insert my soul, wiped clean of memories, in one of the clones. Any independence I might have had would be gone – in a new body I would be a blank slate on which they could write what they willed.

Nevertheless this thought did not disturb me as much as the vision I had experienced in the chamber, where I was inside the tank with them. Whatever trick my subconscious had played, whatever the dream claimed, I refused to admit any truth to it, refused to so much as acknowledge the possibility that truth might exist. The thought of becoming like those dolls, those hollow shells, terrified me. Was my act of fraud, pretending to be human, the same as theirs, pretending to be alive? Surely not … and yet…

# Kaworu Nagisa, report to Cage 2 immediately to prepare for full activation of Unit 04. Kaworu Nagisa, report to Cage 2 immediately. #

I shook my head to rid it of those unpleasant thoughts, and stepped out firmly onto the path. We were not the same. That was final.

The initial startup test for Unit 04 had occurred the day before yesterday, using the umbilical cable as power source and bypassing the tenuously-installed S2 engine. There had been only tokenistic caution – I was able to synchronise with it at an ideal ratio. During the test, my brainwave patterns had been copied and translated into digital data, ones and zeroes. The information had then been implanted into the clones I had just seen, giving them brains without minds. The dummies were even now being flown away from NERV-2 to other bases around the world, to be installed in the mass-produced evangelions, making my visit earlier something like a goodbye.

So far, the undertakings at NERV-2 had been a success, but the most difficult part was still to come.

There were a handful of physicians waiting for me at Cage 2. They had been supervising and directing me during the activation test. The woman in charge, Doctor Noguchi, was the only one who would speak to me, and even she was visibly reluctant. The others shied away from so much as meeting my gaze. When they took my temperature or checked my pulse, they did so quickly, touching me as little as possible. From this, I had deduced that they had been told I was an Angel.

I was not sure what I thought about their behaviour toward me. Although they were barely more than strangers to me, it felt awkward to have such obvious distrust and dislike directed at me. If they had a choice in the matter, they clearly would have nothing to do with me. It was not that I wanted to be friends with them; I was merely uncomfortable in such a hostile atmosphere.

Not too long ago, I would have found their uneasiness amusing, and exploited it by provoking them –being excessively talkative, encroaching on their personal space, and making superfluous physical contact. But that was before I had met Shinji and the others – before I began to understand how humans thought and acted, the reasons they behaved as they did, their fears and insecurities. After all the time I had spent with people, I had lost my appetite for deliberately distressing them.

So I refrained from trying to make the physicians uncomfortable; I said nothing, made no sudden moves, and minimised tactile contact. I knew I was doing the right thing by them, and yet I felt sad. If Shinji and the others found out that I was Angel, they, too, would no longer tolerate my company. This thought … upset me.

Once I was in the plugsuit and my physical status approved, there was nothing to do but wait until Unit 04 was ready. The procedures required to make the experiment as safe as possible were myriad, with page after page of checkpoints and safeguards, precautions and provisions. There were eighty-one contingency plans, each with their own variations, before the borderline; after it they could only abort.

I doubted any amount of preparation would be enough.

Dr Noguchi waved a hand in front of my face. "Pilot Nagisa?"

"Hm?"

"What's the matter?" She gestured to my hands, and I realised I'd been gripping the edge of my seat so hard the plastic was bending. "Are you ill?"

"Oh…" I let go, startled. I was tense – nervous, even. Something was making me anxious, something more than the wait to test an unstable system. I was preoccupied, distracted, by the possibilities of this day, by their consequences. I was on edge. I wanted … I felt…

"Pilot Nagisa?"

"I don't want to die," I said, in a very small voice.

She stared at me, her eyes wide, and it was as though a cone of silence cut us off from the outside world. Her assistants, making small talk a few yards away, might have been on a separate plane of existence; the noises of construction continued on the other side of the wall, in Unit 04's cage, as though from a great distance away. Between Dr Noguchi and I, no sound intruded.

Her mouth had dropped open. "Pilot Nagisa … why – you don't … you…"

I looked up at her, suddenly afraid. This was what it felt like to be mortal, vulnerable. This was the fragility of human life, constantly darkened by the inscrutable shadow of the future, when every second could be your last. I didn't know how she could bear it – how any of them could.

Her eyes were locked with mine. Did she see fear in them? Did she recognise someone like herself?

"…Nagisa…" A whisper. Then stronger: "Nagisa, you won't die. I – they – we won't let you."

_Faith. Promises._ I swallowed in a dry throat – but it no longer hurt to breathe.

Very quietly, I said, "Thank you."

A burst of laughter. The clang of metal striking a hard surface. Dr Noguchi gripped her clipboard and stared at it fixedly as she said, "You're welcome."

# Pilot Nagisa, report to Cage 2, at the bridge. Pilot Nagisa, to the Cage 2 bridge. #

I stood jerkily. It took several deep breaths for me to regain my centre, my calm. When I did, I looked at Dr Machida and smiled. She didn't return it, but neither did she frown or look away like she would have done. I turned and walked past the assistants without looking at them.

# All internal cage systems in docking position. #

# All cooling systems are nominal. #

# Data link-up to Eva Unit 04 is nominal. #

# Inserting the entry plug. #

# Initiating first-level interface. #

Suddenly there was light everywhere – kaleidoscopic patterns of colour and visible sound danced across my vision. Dappled infinity shone all around, and my mind tingled as the first link was forged.

# Energy readings are nominal. #

# A-10 neural synapses operating within normal limits. #

# List cleared through 1350. First contact all clear. #

# Roger. Proceed to phase two. #

The visual cacophony receded and I looked out at the interior of Cage 2. Everything was still, held to motionless anticipation. The workers and technicians hovered anxiously; the only movement was inside the control box, where voices and hands were forced to steadiness. This was like nothing that had gone before.

# All neural links nominal. #

# No instability detected in the S2 engine. #

# List clear through 2550; harmonics nominal. #

# Absolute borderline on my mark… #

I took a deep breath.

# … _Mark_. #

Silence pressed in on my ears, echoed as though it could be heard. I was full of held breath, inescapably conscious of the here-and-now poised on the edge of a precipice into the future. The calm before the storm. The deep breath before the plunge. And then—

**- who is there? -**

- Bardiel?! -

**- tabris! -**

Alarms burst into life, blaring their distress. As though released by a trigger people began yelling, panicked questions and frantic commands overlapping chaotically. The sound of running steps echoed in the giant room, boots clanging on steel grid as people rushed from one point to another.

But I was barely conscious of this – I stared transfixed at the person before me, someone in my own image, but whose eyes and face channelled a soul as real as my own. This was no nightmare clone, no empty shell, no copy. This was my brother.

- Bardiel! What are you doing here? -

**- you ask this of me, tabris? this is my vessel -**

- You would use this weapon to reach Adam? -

**- the lilim made these toys in his image… -**

- …And there is nothing stronger than our father. I see. -

**- i will use their weapon against them, and i will succeed -**

On the edge of my consciousness I sensed a faint rumbling noise. The small part of me still attached to my physical body noted that the cage was shaking and fixtures were falling from the ceiling. There was no sound, but I was aware of humans panicking.

The S2 engine! A single Evangelion could not hold two Angels – something had to give.

- Bardiel, you must withdraw immediately. -

**- withdraw? and leave a powerful weapon in your hands? i am not that much a fool. the eva is mine! begone! -**

- There is no time to argue! You must leave! -

**- you dare claim this thing? you think too much of yourself. you have a long time yet before your trial, tabris -**

The instability of the S2 engine began to intrude on the vision we shared. The fabric of the dream stretched and bulged, tearing and melting through; LCL blossomed around us. Bardiel stared as orange floods and streams of genetic code tore past.

**- what is this? what is happening? -** he demanded, staggering towards me. His feet clung to the illusion of a floor until it crumbled and dissolved.

Abruptly we were floating, weightless, and chaos exploded everywhere in refracted disastrous rainbows. Bardiel grabbed my arm, bringing us together to glare into my eyes and transmit his mental voice in a shout. Where our skin touched it melted, our AT fields beginning to merge painfully. I stared in horror.

- It is too late! Neither of us can stay! -

**- damn you, tabris! you have lost me my weapon! now we both have to leave! -**

- But where? How? -

**- it matters not! just remove yourself from the eva! -**

I nodded frantically. His hand had disappeared into my bicep, agony flaring with the contact. I snatched at it, only to have my fingers adhere to his skin and the fusion start anew in that place.

- Let me go! -

**- what? you let me go! -**

- I'm trying, damn you! Stop it – just stop it! -

**- tabris—! -**

And then everything went white, and far too loud.

16. Evanescence  
_Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental._

There was water all around me; weightless, eyes closed, I floated in a cool sea. I drifted, motionless, on gentle currents, buoyed by the calm motion of the water. Everything was silent, as though I was the only life in the universe. The stillness reached inside me, keeping reality away; I hadn't a care in the world – nothing mattered, nothing would ever happen or change. I wasn't breathing, but neither was I drowning. I felt … at peace.

…Was this death, then?…

…perhaps. It was of no consequence.

After a long time, the gradual rise and fall of the water became more pronounced. As though from a great distance I heard waves breaking on a beach. I waited, unconcerned, for these changes to resolve themselves. They were merely a passing curiosity; everything was transient and unimportant, and I would float like this forever undisturbed. The inner stillness that had transfixed me continued. I was content to remain motionless and let the current carry me where it would.

There followed a long period of time in which the wash of water against its shore gradually grew louder, and the waves bearing me began to brush against something underneath. At the edge of my awareness I felt my foot, then my hand, touch a surface below me. It rose, or the water fell; I took a breath of air and realised I was lying on a beach as the sea withdrew. Gravity and reality had recalled me.

Very slowly, I opened my eyes. The sun was almost directly above me, surrounded by impossibly blue sky. Its brightness hurt my eyes, so I closed them again.

The tide was receding; as the waves immersed less of my body each time I began to dry in the midday warmth. Whimsically I noted the difference between the cool, wet sand beneath me and the dry, warm air above. They met on my skin; I imagined myself as the middle ground between two opposite states of being.

A new noise intruded on my rest. It wavered for a minute, muffled but noticeably agitated, before quieting. In the moment that I recognised it to be a voice, it burst out anew, closer and louder.

"Hey! You, there!"

A person was speaking to me … female, old … apparently by herself…

"Hey! Can you hear me? Are you all right?"

I wondered vaguely what she looked like. From her voice I imagined her to be fit, but bent over with age. She would be wrapped in shawls and cardigans despite the summer weather, with her hair kept firmly out of her face. Probably wearing sensible shoes.

"Open your eyes, boy! Do you understand what I'm saying? Hello, can you hear me?"

I blinked my lids out of the way to look at her. She was leaning over me, silhouetted against the sun so I was obliged to squint. All I could tell for sure was that her hair was indeed restrained by a headscarf, with only a few wisps escaping in front of her ears.

"Oh, you're alive! I thought you'd been drowned, the way you were just laying there! Are you hurt? Can you move?"

I sat up, the better to examine this woman, and discovered that she was extremely short. It was apparent, even when I was seated and she kneeling, that – were we both to stand upright – she would not reach any higher than my chest. Her face, however, was full of character and gave her an air of assertiveness.

"What is your name?" I asked her.

"You can talk! –I mean, I'm Nariyama. Satsuki Nariyama." She stared into my face, her brow furrowed. "You all right, boy?"

"My name is Kaworu Nagisa," I told her, "Kaworu 'of the Seashore.' Is that what humans refer to as irony?"

Ms Nariyama blinked. "Uh – I guess so," she said eventually. "You're not hurt?"

"How long can I stay here?"

"Here?"

"On this beach, in this place. The water is soothing."

Ms Nariyama shook her head. "Don't be silly. You need to get back to wherever it is you came from. And if you lie here all day you'll get sunburnt – everywhere." The last word was spoken in a pointed, significant tone of voice. I realised that she would have helped me to my feet before then, maybe even carried me (she looked surprisingly sturdy for an old woman), except that I was naked.

Something about that struck me as so absurd that I giggled.

"It's not funny!"

"I beg to differ," I began, but found that giggling was so enjoyable I didn't particularly want to stop.

She rolled her eyes. "His head's been turned by sunstroke," she muttered to herself. Sighing, she untied the shawl draped around her shoulders and thrust it at me. "Here – cover yourself."

I obediently wrapped the material around my waist and got to my feet. Looking around, I saw that I was on a long stretch of beach, its shining white expanse marred here and there by seaweed and other debris. Stunted shrubs marched down the hill behind me, approaching close to the waterline in places as though daring the waves to meet them. It was quiet; there were no seabirds nearby to break the lonely but peaceful silence.

Ms Nariyama said something, but I wasn't paying attention. She jabbed me in the arm.

"Hey, are you listening? I said, where're you from?"

"The sea."

She rolled her eyes. "Duh. I meant before that."

"Before?" I had been there forever, had I not? What could come before the beginning of time?

"Yeah. How'd you get there?"

How did I—

Oh. Oh God.

Memory returned like a punch in the stomach. Bardiel – S2 engine – Evangelion— My legs gave out and I dropped to my knees, my head spinning. I spent a long minute trying to breathe, then longer trying to stop hyperventilating. _What happened?_ There was nothing, absolutely nothing in my recollection after Bardiel and I had begun merging – just drifting and awakening in the sea. Anything could have happened, any disaster or catastrophe…

"Hey, hey, don't panic, it won't help anything. Oh dear, just calm down – try and breathe, okay?" Ms Nariyama held my shoulders and exaggerated her own respiration to demonstrate. Lost and helpless, desperate for help from anyone, I attempted to emulate her, feeling as though I was on the verge of tears.

Gradually I got myself under control. Ms Nariyama was rubbing my back, muttering soothing nothings under her breath and patting my arm almost automatically. I took a shaky breath and managed to stand, squinting out across the ocean as I composed my thoughts.

"There now," said Ms Nariyama briskly, getting to her feet in turn and smiling sympathetically up at me. "Everything's less frightening long's you're not panicking. So, why don't you tell me what happened, hm?"

Certainly. My brother and I just came within a few seconds of destroying the world.

"…I – I'm sorry, I don't think I can talk about it yet. It is … distressing."

Ms Nariyama nodded sympathetically. _Obviously traumatised_, she was thinking. Out loud she said, "Well then, I reckon you ought to come up to my house – it's just up the beach. I'll get you some clothes and a meal, you could probably do with one."

After checking that I could accompany her under my own power and did not need to be carried, she turned and trundled speedily up the beach, almost disappearing among shrubs nearly as tall as she. I walked rather slower, turning over in my mind what I remembered and wondering what had happened – how I had ended up naked in the Japan Sea, where Bardiel was, what damage had been done to the NERV base … whether Dr Noguchi was all right…

Cresting the first row of dunes, I saw Ms Nariyama making her short, busy way towards an ancient-looking wooden house. Holes in the roof had been patched handyman-style, peeling paint revealed a cracked undercoat, and the boards were weather-worn and sagged as though only long habit held them in place. She stomped up a pair of bowed steps to the verandah, shucking off a pair of rubber boots and gesturing for me to take a spare pair of slippers. For once I did not need to remind myself to remove my shoes.

The door opposite the steps admitted me to a cosy kitchen. Knick-knacks and hand-made adornments crowded every available surface; jars and bottles displayed old-fashioned labels, kettles snuggled in knitted tea cosies, and salt and pepper shakers in the shape of cherubs nestled among individual ceramic crockery. I knew without being told that Ms Nariyama – Granny, I corrected myself – could tell a story for every object in this room, and the sheer volume of life and experience impressed me to silence. I hadn't thought that there could be so much to tell, and hear, in the entire human race.

Ms Nariyama, standing at the stove as I entered, had donned an apron that may once have been white. She was turning the heat on beneath several pots, and I gathered that she had stopped in the middle of cooking a meal in order to fetch me. She looked up as I came in the doorway, indicated that I should follow her, and bustled out of the room.

"You can't wear that all day," she said decisively, indicating the shawl around my hips. "And it looks like you've nothing with you, so I'll see what I can rustle up." She cast a dubious look at me over her shoulder. "I'm thinking I won't ask how you ended up in the altogether, a poor fragile old biddie like myself doesn't take kindly to nasty shocks."

"Thank you, Ms Nariyama," I said politely, hoping to convey my appreciation of both her offer and discretion, and reflecting to myself that 'fragile' was not a word I would use to describe her.

"Not at all. And call me Granny." She bustled off down the hall.

After a moment, and after trying out the word 'Granny' – it had a strange, but not unpleasant feeling in my mouth – I followed her to the bedroom, which, like every other room I had seen, was overflowing with the mementoes of a long, full life. There was a strong atmosphere of memories squeezing in together, piling on top of one another, all spinning tales about the people and places they knew. A myriad photographs peered from every flat surface and crowded the walls, each in a unique frame – some ornate, some plain, some obviously made by children. From the matching bedside lamps to the well-thumbed address book, Granny's bedroom told of a life filled with people. I wondered briefly what my apartment said about me, but the answer was distressingly obvious.

After a few minutes' hunting Granny presented me with a blue-striped shirt and a pair of cotton slacks, both musty-smelling although she told me they were freshly laundered. The belt of the pants looped twice around my hips before it would sit comfortably, and I was obliged to fold up the sleeves of the shirt in order to see my hands.

"They belonged to my husband, Hiromu," she explained. "I always liked that shirt on him, it brought out his eyes. They were blue," she added, and I sensed that even after many years of knowing him, and some time after his death, she still marvelled at this phenomenon. For myself, I marvelled at the recurring interest of the Lilim, and the joy they could find in small details of everyday life.

Granny gestured for me to take a seat at the table as we returned to the kitchen. I chose the chair without a stack of old newspapers on the seat and wondered where, on the crowded tabletop, there would be found room to set a place for one person, let alone two.

"I was just about to whip up some manju," she chattered, "but there's bread on the table there. If you can find the knife, cut yourself a slice and I'll grab some butter – maybe honey? Or jam? There's plum, blackberry, fig…"

She rattled off half-a-dozen flavours of preservative as I unearthed a crusty loaf of wholemeal bread. A hunt for the knife was fruitless until she remembered that she had left it in another room.

In the space of a moment, with a few hospitable additions, I had half a meal sitting in front of me. Thick slices of bread with butter were joined by dried apricots, a cup of green tea, and, from the dark recesses of a random, generously-stocked cupboard, a dusty glass jar containing a few ancient-looking sticks of pocky.

Granny chatted happily away as she prepared and cooked the ingredients for her manju dumplings. I nodded and made various noises to show I was listening, but was not required to make any further contribution – I got the feeling she would talk to a brick wall if someone drew a face on it.

"This pot here was an anniversary present from my friend Shizuka, we met in the hospital when I had my first son, Hideki. She had twin girls, Mitsuki and Satsuki, which she and her husband had decided on before she and I met, and we made friends because of that. Mitsuki actually dated Hideki for a while…"

"Me and Hiromu travelled all through Europe back in the '80s. He spoke French, and I speak English, so we got along fine 'most everywhere. It was mighty interesting 'cause we met this Italian couple, and they didn't speak Japanese and we didn't speak Italian, but they both spoke French so we had a lovely chat…"

"My brother was friends with a Nagisa in university, you know – Ken Nagisa. They both studied economics, although my brother switched to business studies after two years. But they still ended up working for the same company – my brother got a middle management position, and Nagisa was a financial advisor…"

It was amusing, but at the same time comforting – a background relaxant similar to running water or soft music. It created an atmosphere of undemanding friendliness. I found myself listening idly as I sipped my tea, a smile tugging at my lips.

The manju dumplings, when they came, had almost as much pork as dough; I commented on this, and was told that I needed some meat on my bones. I was startled by this seemingly intrusive comment until I recognised the grandmotherly tone, and was quiet as I adjusted to my first experience of maternal affection. The fact that her behaviour was nothing personal, that she obviously treated all children and youths similarly, did not diminish its value to me. I felt safe and cared for, protected and looked after – and also rather young. Considering that my soul, if not my current body, was older than she could conceive, Granny did an excellent job of making me feel like a child.

"So, how d'you like it, Kaworu?" she asked, indicating my plate. I had finished my meal in the time she had taken to eat perhaps half of hers.

"It is delicious, Granny," I said. "And very filling, as well. It will surely help me put on weight."

She grinned. "Well, that's what it's for. My ma gave me this recipe. She made it especial for my sis Arashi, who was almost as skinny as you. At the time we got our meat from Tanaka down the road. He gave us discounts 'cause ma was the one who introduced him to his wife…" And she was off again.

When the meal ended I helped with the dishes, drying them and putting them away. I had to ask where things went so often that eventually Granny said I should just place them on the table and she would put them away later. She poured each of us a cup of tea and we sat for a while, making small talk.

Eventually, when we had finished our drinks, she set her mug down and fixed me with a look.

"Well Kaworu, we've yakked on about everything under the sun, but that doesn't help you get back where you belong. I'm sorry to say you came at possibly the worst time for acts of charity – the phone's been down ever since that storm a few days ago, and the chap's not due to come fix it for a week still. And my car's in the shop, so I can't drive you anywhere." She heaved a sympathetic sigh. "All I can do is lend you a pair of shoes to make the walking easier I'm afraid." At a sudden thought, she brightened. "And send a decent meal or two with you, of course."

I smiled. "Anything you can do will be more than helpful. How far is it to the nearest town?"

"Fifteen miles," she said flatly. "A mite too far to be comfortable, in my humble opinion."

"Hm … so about five hours' walking if I rest on the way." It sounded reasonable – if I had a drink with me, and comfortable shoes, I could manage it with no worse consequences than tired and stiff muscles.

"Here, give me your foot," Granny ordered. She examined it cursorily, running her fingers over the instep and sole. I twitched involuntarily, unable to keep my leg still. Apparently I was ticklish. "Well, your feet are a bit small for Hiromu's shoes, but a pair of mine'll do just dandy. Provided you don't object to wearing female attire, of course." She grinned.

"Oh no, that will be fine," I said quickly. "Thank you very much. I will post them back to you once I am home."

"Excellent. Here, I'll jot down the address for you." She grabbed a pen and a bit of paper, scrawling some messy kanji. "Nobody can read my writing," she complained cheerily. "In university when I handed essays in, the professors used to dock me marks for presentation every time. I nearly failed once 'cause he couldn't understand what I'd written!" She chuckled to herself. I wondered how she could be amused by a mistake that had cost her so.

"This is legible," I assured her, indicating the paper on which she had written her address.

"Well, ain't there a first time for everything," she remarked, getting to her feet. She rummaged around in a cupboard for a moment and withdrew a bento lunchbox that she then put on the table before me. "Sit tight a sec, I'll grab some shoes for you. There's some sticky rice and sushi in the fridge – help yourself."

The refrigerator was sparsely stocked, but the freezer was full to capacity. It appeared Granny was still in the habit of cooking meals for several people; the leftovers were then frozen, to be reheated the next day. I took enough sushi and sticky rice to make a meal that would satisfy my stomach without being so heavy as to make walking difficult. There were a few dried apricots and sticks of pocky left from my snack earlier, so I packed them as well, and a bottle of water.

"Oh good, I was just about to suggest that," said Granny, re-entering the room. "Can't walk far without water, you'll keel over."

She gestured for me to sit down. The socks she presented were close-woven cotton, the shoes an ancient pair of sneakers. Both smelled strongly of the musty cupboards whence they came.

"No doubt your feet'll be sweating and stinking to high heaven pretty quick in these," she said matter-of-factly as she gave me the socks, "but trust me, it's a sight better than none at all. You don't get blisters!" She grimaced in a way that said she had learnt this lesson through personal experience.

"That is very wise," I said, lacing up the sneakers.

"Oh, piffle!" she disclaimed. "Nothing but common sense. You mind it, kiddo." She inspected my lunch box and added a few more items, before putting the lot in a string bag and leading me to the front door.

The sun was well past its peak, but given the perpetual summer I judged I could make it to the next town before it got too dark. There were trees along both sides of the road to provide shade, and no sign of rain, so all seemed to be well.

"Just head that way and keep on going," Granny said, pointing. "Turn right when you hit the main drag – there's a giant fig tree at the intersection, you can't miss it – and follow it along, and it'll put you smack bang in the town centre. Train station's on the left, just round from the supermarket. Here's some money—" She pressed a few notes into my palm, ignoring my automatic protests, and would not release my hand until I meekly accepted the cash and thanked her. "Reckon you'll be okay from there?"

"Yes." I smiled at her. "Thank you so much for all your help, Granny. You have been very generous."

"Nonsense," she said, but she was pleased. "Just make sure I get my things back, mind." She paused. "So, can I ask how on Earth you get to be where you were? And in … ahem, _that_ state?"

I hesitated. It was her right to ask, since she had rendered me considerable assistance, but the truth was unthinkable. "I wish I could tell you everything, Granny," I said sincerely, "but all I can say is that my brother and I had an argument, in a dangerous place. The details are … uncomfortable. I am sorry." I bowed apologetically.

She shrugged. "Don't think on it. I believe you. You don't seem a bad sort to me – a mystery, but not bad." She clapped me on the back. "Well, it was nice meeting you, Kaworu, and I hope things work out."

"Thank you again, Granny," I said, and stepped off the verandah. "It was nice meeting you, too. I hope to see you again."

"Well, you know where I am. Drop me a line, or drop in. Tea's at one and the door's usually unlocked." She waved as I began walking. "Bye!"

"Goodbye." I returned the wave over my shoulder. She disappeared into the house and the door closed behind her. I shifted the bag so it sat more comfortably, turned to face down the road, and began walking.

Three hours and ten miles later, when the shadows were beginning to lengthen and the light to gild with sunset, I collapsed in agony as my brother Bardiel was torn to pieces.

17. Consequences  
_If ignorance is bliss, I am the happiest person alive._

I realised, as I disembarked the train at my station and prepared to walk back to my apartment, that it had not occurred to me to ask Keel, or indeed any member of SEELE or their lackeys, for help.

This was such a revelation that I stopped in my tracks, causing a woman to bump into me from behind. She cast me an annoyed look as she changed direction and stalked onward, but I did not respond.

By all reasonable interpretations of my relationship with Keel and SEELE, I would have been perfectly justified in accessing a payphone at the first town I came across and requesting a car be sent for me, as I had at Mt Asama several months ago. Keel may not have been my 'uncle', but he _was_ the legal guardian of Kaworu Nagisa. He and his colleagues were obligated to assist me if I asked.

But for some reason the idea simply had not occurred to me. In planning my return to Tokyo-3 I had not included them in my mental list of available resources, relying only on Granny's help and my own two feet. It appeared that I was becoming unconsciously less reliant on my patrons, less willing to go to them for assistance and support. Of course, as an Angel I did not rely on humans for anything, but I had never functioned as a person, in Lilim society, without their support. The idea of doing so was without precedent.

As for not contacting them at the first opportunity to explain what had happened…

I would not have been surprised to be ambushed by agents from SEELE the moment I stepped off the train. However, I exited the station without incident and set off through the park, expecting every moment for men in black suits to appear and bear down on me.

It was not a hired goon that interrupted my progress; it was Shinji.

He stood alone, on the hill where he and I had breakfasted together. He was staring at the grass, and though I could not see his face, his hands were clenching and unclenching rhythmically and his entire body was tense. His schoolbag lay on the ground by his feet as though dropped there.

"Shinji!" I did not consciously decide to call out to him – it was like a reflex. Likewise, my wave and smile as he looked around were automatic. I broke into a jog towards him, but even as I took the first step he grabbed his bag and ran in the opposite direction.

My momentum disappeared and I came to a halt. For a moment I simply stared after him. Why would he run away from me? People, I knew, did not tend to deliberately avoid their friends without reason. Something must have happened.

I began walking again, swifter and with more certainty of direction. I would go to my apartment, call Shinji on his mobile phone, and ask him what was going on. A small but intense feeling – I was … hurt? yes, _hurt_, that he was avoiding me.

I was distracted, however. The SEELE agents awaited me at the front door of my apartment building.

There were two of them, both wearing mirrored sunglasses and finely tailored black suits. A black car with tinted windows sat at the side of the road. I hadn't seen it lurking in the shadow of kerbside trees; it appeared I had been preoccupied thinking about Shinji. Oops.

"Kaworu Nagisa?"

They both seemed very tall.

"Yes?" To my embarrassment, my voice came out barely above a whisper.

"Come with us. There will be no discussion."

Meekly, I joined them. I caught a glimpse of the driver's profile as I got in the car; his appearance, like the others', seemed designed to discourage questions. I decided to refrain from pointing out that his comb-over did not quite cover the bald patch on his crown.

I sat in the back seat with my hands between my knees, fingers laced, stealing glances at the men on either side of me. Their mass seemed to press against my shoulders on either side, so that I unconsciously began hunching in on myself. I was glad the ride was smooth, as the idea of leaning against either of my fellow passengers (or one of them leaning into me) as we went round a curve did not appeal. I felt very small.

Most of the trip to the Committee meeting place was underground, presumably so the person brought there was unable to orient themselves or guess where they were. There was stifling silence, except for the sound of the car's engine and its passage through many twisting tunnels.

A fork in the tunnel led us up an incline and past a number of garage doors, before we slowed and turned into one that had apparently opened upon our approach. The room beyond was small and sparsely lit, the walls the same bare concrete as the tunnel. The cumulative effect stated that this place was not designed to be comfortable or luxurious; efficiency and minimalism were key.

There was a single door other than the one through which we had entered. It was steel, with a fire escape-style handle, and when one of my companions pushed it open it resisted his strength for a moment before swinging slowly inwards. It was reinforced, and securely soundproofed. I doubted the agents who escorted people here knew what went on in that room – and, given the nature of their employ, they would be unlikely to ask questions.

A spotlit chair in the centre of the room was the only relief from impenetrable black surrounds. My steps as I crossed to it, and the rustle of clothes as I sat down, seemed deafeningly loud in the oppressive silence.

The door did not need to clang ominously as it shut behind me, sealing off light, warmth and hope – the atmosphere supplied it.

# Tabris. #

The monoliths flashed into existence around me.

# Where have you been? #

# What have you been doing? #

# Why haven't you reported? #

# What happened at the Nevada base? #

The questions tumbled on top of one another in dizzying succession. "Please – not so fast…"

# Where is Unit 04? #

# How did you come to return to Tokyo-3? #

# Those are not your clothes. # This one sounded disapproving.

"That is immaterial," I said blandly, startled into replying by the seemingly irrelevant comment.

# This is no time for levity, Tabris, # came the severe response. # Answer the question! #

"Which one? You gave me so many from which to choose…"

# Enough of this prevarication. # Keel's disembodied voice was cold and accusatory. # Explain yourself, Tabris. What happened at the Second Branch? The itinerary showed that Unit 04's activation test with the S2 engine should have been underway at the time of the explosion. #

"Explosion?" I repeated numbly. "There was an explosion?"

# The Second Branch was wiped off the map, # said another sharply. # You don't know about this? #

I swayed in my chair. "Gone?" Dr Noguchi…

# Tabris! Report! #

"Bardiel was inside Unit 04," I said, almost automatically. Dr Noguchi was dead…

# Bardiel – the thirteenth Angel? #

"The Evangelion could not hold both of us. The S2 engine became unstable. We tried to remove ourselves. Everything went white." A tremor ran through me and I clutched my arms.

# Cease this evasion. What happened? #

"I don't know!" I cried. My throat closed up; I forced myself to breathe, to focus on the floor in front of me. Gradually the light-headedness receded and I was able to speak. "We were inside the Evangelion and we began merging, uniting – we tried to remove ourselves but we could not separate. Then everything just stopped." I tried to force through the murky depths of memory. "I don't know what happened after that. It was like the bottom of a dark red sea, and it was quiet but there were many muffled voices that came and went. It was still. Then there was a feeling – like … like letting the plug out of a bath, and I followed a black shadow along the tide. After that … I slowly woke up, and I was in the Sea of Japan."

# Dr Akagi's hypothesis appears to have been confirmed, # said one of the monoliths. # The implosion of the S2 engine created a Sea of Dirac, dragging the facility along into it. #

# That would explain the scale and immediacy of the destruction, # another agreed. # Also the fact that the Angels were able to escape, and to various locations around the world, but everyone and everything else stayed behind. #

I looked up sharply. "Bardiel escaped? When? What happened to him?"

There was an ominous silence. # Your reports on the Children have been highly uninformative of late, Tabris. #

# Dissatisfactory, even. You tell us nothing we do not already know. #

"Tell me what happened when Bardiel escaped." A feeling of foreboding made the hair on my arms stand on end. I wished the Committee members were physically present – I could not read their minds over the electronic communications links.

# There is an impression that you have been … distracted. #

# Compromised. #

"That is untrue. I just … I have just been confused. Humans are complicated." I got to my feet. "Please tell me what happened! I will do better in future, I promise." To myself I hoped they would not detect the utter lie in that oath. I hated having to beg and plead for their grace, when with a thought I could have destroyed them all, but while their physical power over me was limited, SEELE had other, equally effective ways to bend me to their will. My survival, after all, was dependant on my charade as a human, and if SEELE chose to inform NERV of my true identity the consequences would not bear thinking about.

There was another black pause. I realised my heart rate had sped up and my face was warm, and forced away physical signs of agitation. I could not afford to let them know how human I had become, was still becoming.

# Very well. Be seated. #

I sat, hands on my knees, and braced myself for bad news.

What I received was worse.

The car ride back to Tokyo-3 seemed to take an age. The agents flanking me stared sharply every time I so much as twitched. I wished fiercely that they weren't there – my hands itched and every part of me ached to speak to someone, anyone, who could help me understand what was going on. Especially, I longed to see Shinji.

Keel had said that Toji was alive, but no more; that Units 00 and 02 had been damaged, but nothing about the condition of the pilots. They had dismissed my enquiries with reprimands for my failure to report as soon as I could. I had sat there, stunned by the disaster they so dispassionately, grudgingly recounted, my body shaking, not even listening as they scolded me for being remiss.

And Shinji had left. He had quit and packed his bags to depart Tokyo-3. But that couldn't be right – he couldn't just _leave_! He wouldn't!

Would he?

When at long last I was deposited outside my apartment building, I ran inside without a care for what the SEELE agents would report back to their superiors. I slammed through the front doors, letting them crash behind me – the elevator was slow in response so I sprinted up the three flights to my apartment. I had no house keys with me, but the lock gave way under a burst of psychic pressure and I was inside and picking up the phone and dialling Shinji's mobile number.

It was switched off.

I had never before felt such a strong desire to swear.

The message I left on his voicemail must have been nearly incoherent – I was tongue-tied in my anxiety and could barely stammer out a plea for him to call me. Misato's apartment and mobile numbers only produced the answering machine and voicemail; Asuka's mobile was similarly unavailable; Ayanami's home phone rang through as she had no answering machine, and I was restricted to leaving a message on her voicemail. However, when I tried Kensuke's mobile it was answered on the first ring.

# Kaworu? That you? #

"Kensuke! I am so glad you're there. Nobody else has picked up."

# I know! I've been trying everyone and getting nothing. You heard what happened? #

"Some of it. I've been so worried…"

# Yeah, me too. # It sounded like he had been crying. # I can't really believe it. It's just – I mean, _Toji_… #

"Is he all right?"

# Yeah – yeah, he's okay. I haven't seen him yet. I was just about to go and find out if I could visit him. #

"I'll come too," I said immediately. "I want to see him."

# Sure, 'course. You're at your apartment, right? I'll come by, it's on the way. #

"Good. I will see you soon, then."

# Yeah, see you. #

I ended the call and let out a breath. Only then did I realise, with a feeling almost of awe, how completely I had discarded my Angelic serenity and detachment in the face of this catastrophe. During my interrogation by SEELE I had controlled my shock so they did not guess how upset I was, but on the return journey, as I had come closer and closer to being able to take action, to try and contact Shinji and the others, my composure had swiftly crumbled. I was trembling, out of breath from my haste and my anxiety, as shaken as any human.

"I am in so much trouble," I stated aloud, and even that I knew to be Lilim behaviour.

By the time Kensuke arrived I was a little calmer, though still impatient enough to run downstairs and await him at the front of the building, to save even that little time. His swift, jerky stride as he approached me, and his curt greeting, expressed his own tension; I sternly controlled my anxiety as we made our way, silent the entire time, to the hospital.

I had been in hospitals a few times, during the early stages of my tenancy in human form when my Angel mind and soul had not yet adjusted to the limitations of a mortal body. Even then they had struck me as repellently clinical places – with my acquisition of Lilim instincts and feelings, I liked them even less now.

As we hurried down the corridor to Toji's room, I realised there was someone already outside it. She was sitting in a chair, one hand holding a tissue to her mouth, the other arm pressed against her stomach. Her eyes were red-rimmed and her freckles stood out in a pale face.

Kensuke slowed as we approached her. "Class rep?" he said uncertainly.

Horaki looked up, startled. "Aida? Nagisa…" Her voice wobbled and she cleared her throat, blinking quickly. "H-hello," she managed.

"Have you seen him?" Kensuke asked immediately.

"Yes," Horaki whispered.

"How is he?" we demanded together.

She took a shuddering breath. "He's awake now, a little groggy ... he's – he's talking, and – he – he asked about his s-sister, and…" She made a choking, gulping sort of noise and jumped to her feet. "Excuse me!"

"Horaki, wait—" I called, but she had already run away. I looked after her helplessly until her footsteps had faded. When I turned to Kensuke he was glaring out the window, his fists clenched. I thought he might punch something, but after a minute he shook himself.

"C'mon then, let's do this," he said, his face set. He stomped to the door and knocked four times, then opened it and went inside. I followed, even more anxious than before.

It took me a moment, when my eyes fell on Toji lying motionless in the hospital bed, to realise what was wrong. Then I registered the stump where his left leg should have been, and felt sick.

"Hey, Toji. You awake?"

I was stunned by Kensuke's voice. He sounded concerned, certainly, but there was no clue that he'd even noticed the missing limb. I was about to let him know, in no uncertain terms, that the fact was staring him in the face, when he was answered.

Toji had been facing away from us, his eyes closed. Now they slowly, groggily opened and he turned his head to bring us into sight.

"Hey," he croaked. "Ken … Kaworu … 'bout time y' guys got here…"

"Hello," I said, surprising myself with how normal my voice sounded.

"'Sn't it school hours?" His eyes were dull and only half-open.

"Like that matters," Kensuke said, gritting his teeth.

"Aw man … feel so 'mportant…" His mouth twitched into a sleepy smile. "Sorr' can' talk much, th' got me on all th's painkillers…"

"Does it hurt?" I asked. "Are you in pain?"

"Nah … 'm okay … 'Kari said I was fine, th'd prob'ly let me out soon…"

Kensuke and I exchanged looks. "Maybe," Kensuke allowed.

"We haven't spoken to any of the nurses," I said.

Toji's brow furrowed a bit, just as much as the morphine would allow. "Whuddya mean? It don' look that bad, huh?"

I found my throat closing up.

"You – you look a bit roughed up," Kensuke said. "Cast on your arm…"

"Bandage around your head…"

"Grazes…"

"Bruises…"

Toji's eyes began to close. "Oh, that…" he said, his lips barely moving. "'S nothin' … 'm tough…"

I was glad he was unable to see my face.

"You look tired," said Kensuke. "You should probably go back to sleep, yeah?" He began to back away from the bedside.

"We will come back tomorrow," I promised.

"You'd better…" His eyes were completely shut. "Bring m' some decent food, 'kay?"

"Sure. Big Mac, fries and coke. Sure thing." Kensuke nodded sharply.

"Hell yeah … y'know me so well, Ken…" His voice drifted off and his breathing eased and slowed.

After a moment, Kensuke and I turned away. We crept from the room, shut the door silently behind us, and walked slowly to the nurses' station.

What little they were allowed to tell us was barely reassuring – Toji was stable, but it would be a while before he could be said to be 'on the mend'. Yes, he would have the best physiotherapy and artificial limb options. Yes, his sister would continue to receive treatment at NERV headquarters' trauma unit. No, they could not tell us when the opiate treatment would cease. Sorry, but visiting hours were now over for the day – if we would please leave the building…?

Neither of us said anything as we left the hospital and headed to the nearest station. The quiet, rhythmic sound of the train managed to soothe my nervous shock. By the time we reached the interchange where we had to split up, I mostly felt tired.

"I wonder how long it'll be before he finds out what's happened," Kensuke said.

I stirred. "Probably not until the morphine treatment stops, and he fully wakes up."

"Hikari didn't tell him…"

"Neither did we."

There was a pause. Kensuke was staring at the train tracks.

"How d'you think it happened?" he said abruptly. "I heard that there was an Angel, but it didn't say what actually happened."

I looked away so he would not see my expression.

"Maybe it blew up, like that one with the wings. Or maybe it stabbed him, like that insect one stabbed Shinji. Or maybe it dripped acid, like that spider sort of one did to Asuka. Or maybe—"

"Could we not talk about this?" I said, a bit shrilly. "Please?"

"Why not?"

"It – it makes me uncomfortable."

Kensuke huffed. "Fine. Whatever." He kicked a stone onto the tracks, then looked up. "My train's coming anyway."

"Oh. I see." I had been hearing the sound of the approaching train for several minutes without registering it.

"Later." He shoved his hands in his pockets and stepped up to the edge of the platform as the train closed in.

"We can see Toji again tomorrow," I suggested.

"Yeah. Good."

Neither of us looked at the other as the train stopped and he boarded. I lingered for a moment, but Kensuke chose a seat on the other side of the carriage and settled to staring out the window. I turned and left the platform, my steps slow and aimless. What would I do now? … What _could_ I do? …

The answer came sooner than I expected it to. I took out my mobile phone and dialled the number I knew best. Maybe I could change his mind; maybe not. Maybe I should not even try. But even if all I could do was say goodbye, I refused to let Shinji go without seeing him once more. I would not give up hope.

18. A Gentleman of Independent Thought.  
_Courage: The art of being the only one who knows you're scared to death._

I found him waiting on the platform for the train that would take him away from Tokyo-3. He was gripping the straps of his schoolbag and staring fixedly at the tracks in front of him. Over the noise of announcements on the public address system, he didn't hear my approach until I spoke.

"Shinji?"

His head whipped around as though pulled on a string. "Kaworu?"

"Shinji, I'm so glad I found you!" I ran the last few strides to him.

He flinched away from my approach. "What're you doing here?"

I bit my lip. Now that I had found him, I was afraid – of what, I could not say. "Shinji … Shinji, are you really leaving?"

"Yes. I'm not going to change my mind." He clenched his fists, glaring at the ground. "I can't stay here. I can't pilot for him. I can't be _near_ him, not after what he did – what he made me do." His voice was terrible with fury and anguish.

"You mean that."

Shinji looked up sharply. "Kaworu? What's the matter?"

"Will I see you again?" Please, please don't say I won't see you again.

He looked bewildered. "I – Kaworu, I—"

The siren shattered the rest of his words.

# Attention! Attention! There is an Angel approaching. Repeat, there is an Angel approaching. #

"They're still coming?" Shinji cried.

# A special state of emergency has been declared. All residents, evacuate to your designated areas. Repeat, there is an Angel approaching. All residents evacuate to your designated areas immediately. #

Shinji was shaking, his breathing sharp and shallow. "How – dare they?" he snarled. "How _dare_ they? After everything! How – dare – they—!"

"Shinji!" I grabbed his arm and shook him, jolting him from his reverie. "We have to get to a shelter. Come on!"

"I don't care," he said. "They can come and get me. I don't care if I die."

My hand fell from his arm. For a long moment I could not speak or breathe for horror. _How could he even _say_—! How _could_ he?_ All that finally came out, weak and faint, was, "I do."

Shinji flinched like I had hit him. The anger drained from his face, leaving only wretchedness. "You shouldn't."

"I _do_," I said, stronger.

"You don't know everything." He gripped his arms, his expression tortured. "You don't know what … what happened, what my father—what _I_ did.

"Kaworu, I hurt Toji! I could have killed him! I said he'd be safe, I promised him – and then, with my hands – with _these hands_, Kaworu!" He held them up, clawed. "I hurt him. I hit and crushed and beat and ripped, again and again – I couldn't stop it! I told dad to stop but he wouldn't! He made the Eva do it because _I_ wouldn't fight Toji. I couldn't control them – my hands, they—"

"—Do not condemn you!" I grabbed them and held them in my own. "Shinji, listen to me. Toji _was_ hurt. That is a fact we must accept. But you will not make him better by throwing your life away. You cannot repent that way. It will do nothing."

His eyes pleaded with me – for absolution or condemnation, I could not tell. "Then how, Kaworu? How do I make it better? I – promised him, and then I – I—" He gasped back a sob, unable to say it. "How do I make up for it?"

"You will find a way," I said gently. "Perhaps not right away; you might search and work for a long time. But you will only be able to do so if you _keep living_."

Our eyes met and spoke for a long moment. "Kaworu…"

I squeezed his hands.

He drew a shaking breath. "…We – we should get to a shelter, yeah?"

I let out the breath I'd been holding, and smiled in relief. "Yes. Let's go."

I did not relinquish his hand as we hurried from the station. Partly for his benefit, but mostly to reassure myself, I held onto him – having found him at the last minute, I had no intention of losing him again if I had any say in the matter.

The shelter we reached was crowded with people, with a few stragglers like ourselves coming in at the last minute. It was deep underground – right inside the Geofront, perhaps. I wondered if this made it safer, or more exposed, than the other shelters hidden within the crust.

Shinji and I sat together in a corner by ourselves, and in a low voice he recounted the events of the battle against the thirteenth Angel. How it had taken over and controlled Unit 03, with Toji, the test pilot, trapped inside, helpless; how it had beaten and damaged Units 00 and 02, injuring both Asuka and Ayanami; how it had disarmed and strangled Unit 01, Shinji incapable of fighting against, and harming or possibly even killing, his friend. How Commander Ikari had ordered the dummy plug to be engaged.

"Dummy … plug?" I repeated. Oh, _no…_

Shinji took my dismay for incomprehension. "It was like a fake pilot, controlling the Evangelion. They made it fight because I wouldn't. I didn't want to hurt Toji, but this thing…" A shudder ran through him and he wrapped his arms around his knees, head bowed.

I shook myself from my private daze.

"Shinji…" I murmured. I put my arm around him, leaning in until our heads touched.

An impression leaped into my mind from his – a memory. Unit 01, with the dummy plug in control, brutalising Unit 03.

"Oh god."

Shinji began crying silently. I could not control my shaking, could not move my limbs. I was paralysed by the wave of horror that swept over me with the memory, the sight and sound of the Evangelion beating and tearing the other to pieces. And then came the worse thought.

_My fault…!_

If I had contained Bardiel when we were in Unit 04, he might not have been able to possess Toji's Unit 03. If I had ejected him from the Evangelion before it was too late, if I had fought and subdued him, if I had done something, anything...

And then the world _smashed_.

The air pressurised, then imploded; even as I hid my face I felt wind whipping over me, throwing dust and debris. The room shook; there were screams and yells, and the rumbling boom of a building being wrecked. It was a long while before the destruction abated.

Then people began to panic as they looked up, and saw the bright red head of Evangelion Unit 02 lying where one wall used to be.

I froze. _Nononononononono—_

"_Asuka!_" Shinji screamed. His face had gone utterly white.

A piece of the ceiling was falling towards him.

I dived, knocking him out of the way. The wreckage hit the floor and broke. We rolled several lengths before scrambling to our feet. Shinji charged out the shelter door, ignoring the panic around us. I ran after him, blocked and hindered by the people, both injured and not, rushing every which way.

Outside, the terrible figure of Unit 02 reared above the Geofront floor. Its head and arms had been severed, purple blood oozing from the monstrous stumps. A rescue squad hurtled towards it, keeping to the cover of the trees to hide from—

**- greetings, tabris my brother -**

- Zeruel! -

The Angel had taken a stunted form, one that seemed to mock the murdered Evangelion in both his limblessness and the twisted clown mask that made his face. He turned and I felt his attention on me.

**- we are well met. you will have the honour of witnessing my victory -**

I sank to my knees.

**- do not despair. there was naught you might have done to claim victory for yourself. it was foreordained that i should be the one to prevail, when the title was given me of Might -**

My hands clenched on my thighs. - You have not won yet. -

**- these toys cannot compete with such as i. you have spent time among these puny cousins of ours; you will have observed their frailty. however armed, the lilim cannot stand before me -**

I stared at the broken form of Asuka's Evangelion, feeling my breath hitch. - They are stronger than you think! -

**- fool! - **Zeruel lashed my mind with scorn. **- rail as you will, tabris, the victory is mine. your purgatory was vain. you will never take your trial, for i have come! and. i. shall. win! -**

His anger scorched my mind. I clutched at my skull, hunching over until my forehead touched my thighs, but to no relief. Only as he moved on, slow and ominous, did the pain subside.

I struggled to my feet. Shinji was staring at what remained of Unit 02. His fists were clenched tight by his sides, the knuckles white; an expression of pained and terrible conflict twisted his face. I was afraid to approach him, but I could not keep from crossing to stand beside him. The pandemonium of the ruined shelter behind us passed unheeded.

When someone grabbed my shoulder I nearly jumped out of my skin.

"What're you kids doing here?"

"Mr Kaji?"

He grinned. "Kaworu. We gotta stop meeting like this."

Shinji jerked his arm free. "Why're _you_ here?"

"That's my line. _I'm_ just doing a spot of gardening." He gestured to the patch of watermelons a few metres away. A watering can lay on the grass beside it as if dropped suddenly.

"Watering melons?" I said. "At a time like this?"

He spread his hands. "What better time? Of course, I'd rather be between Misato's melons, but on the whole I wouldn't mind being here when I die."

"Die?" Shinji echoed.

Kaji smiled – sadly, I thought. "That's right. It's said that if an Angel comes into contact with Adam, who lies sleeping below this very ground, humanity will be eradicated."

"The Third Impact," Shinji whispered.

"Yes. The only thing that can stop it, the only thing with power equal to an Angel, is the Evangelion."

And then, as if summoned by the naming, Unit 00 rose into the Geofront.

"Ayanami!" Shinji gasped. "—With no rifle?"

The Evangelion's arm had not been restored since the battle with Unit 03 – the red, gaping blank stared at us. But my eyes were dragged to what was held in the remaining arm. An N2 mine.

I could not look away as the Evangelion charged. Ayanami ran straight at Zeruel and punched the mine overarm, forcing it through his AT field. He shielded his core just before it detonated.

I had never felt, never imagined such a release of force. Even the combined strength of my AT field and Unit 00's could not wholly shield us – I was thrown on my back and pressed to the ground. Wind and energy roared over and around me. The sound passed beyond endurance so that my eardrums shut down reflexively in protection.

When the world returned from the brink of Armageddon, Unit 00 was on the ground. Zeruel moved on once more.

We staggered to our feet, dazed, and swaying where we stood. The ringing in my ears at first overwhelmed all other sound; though it slowly faded enough that I could hear some things, it was much longer before it vanished.

Shinji reached out feebly with one hand. I saw his mouth form, "Ayanami…" as if it pained him to say her name.

"What now?" I said, mostly to myself. I found I was shaking – my heart raced in my ribs, and the rest of my body was so weak that even that tiny motion set me trembling.

Shinji's hands clenched and unclenched. "This – I can't let it – it can't go on … please, no more…"

Kaji stood beside us and we looked on her devastation.

"There's only one thing that can happen now," he said. He turned a solemn regard to Shinji. "Shinji, listen to me. The only thing I can do is stand here and watch, watering my garden. But you, you have something that you _can_ do. That _only_ you can do." He put his hand on Shinji's shoulder and spoke quietly but urgently.

Shinji shrank away from him, turning and putting distance between them. "I can't. Who will I hurt this time? How many people have to die – how many do I have to kill – in order to save humanity?" He gripped his elbow, shrinking in on himself.

Kaji's eyes were shadowed and intense. "Nobody is forcing you. Think for yourself and make the decision by yourself. Think about what you have to do now."

Shinji turned away, his eyes seeking mine and pleading again. "Kaworu – what should I do?"

I had to fight against an overwhelming urge to enfold him in my arms and make all his worries disappear, but restrained myself to taking his face in my hands. Reflexively he reached up and held my arms in place.

"Shinji, I will stand by you whatever you choose, but I cannot tell you what you should do – this is your decision, and yours only. You have the power to change your life, and to change the world. But _you_ are the only one who can decide whether to use that power or not." I rested our foreheads together. "If you do everything you can, if you give it everything you have; if you make your own choice and follow it through to conclusion … only then can you justify your actions, and live with their consequences. Only then can you live without regret."

Shinji looked at me in sudden, terrified comprehension.

"The important thing is that you act, that you do something, that you, Shinji Ikari, make the decisions of your own life. You must reach out, and do what you think is right."

His eyes as he spoke showed his heart: breaking, but healing even as it broke. "This … this is what I can do, isn't it? This is how I can live with myself. I understand now. I … am the pilot of Unit One." His face and voice settled in determination. "Not for my father. Not for anyone else. For me, for my life."

"For yourself," I agreed, and though I was afraid, and all I truly wanted was just to have Shinji safe and away from all of this, I found I was able to smile for him. When I took his hands, his answering squeeze was strong.

Kaji gripped Shinji's arm in mute congratulations. "You can get to NERV on the linear rail through the shelter."

"Be careful, Shinji," I said urgently. "Make sure you come back!"

Shinji nodded. "I will." He hesitated for a moment, looking into my eyes as though he wanted to say more, but after a minute he averted his gaze. Releasing my hands, he turned and took a shaky step towards the shelter, then drew a deep breath and ran, without looking back. I watched him until he was out of sight, and did not move until the sound of the departing rail car had faded.

In the roar of the battle, there was a moment of peace. Kaji put an arm around my shoulder and I leant back against him gratefully. He looked thoughtful, but content. "He'll be all right," he murmured.

"Shinji is stronger than he knows," I said. "He has will, and we have hope. That is enough."

19. Ties That Bind  
_Don't make me come down there. -God_

There were times when my habit of behaving like a human caused severe inconveniences. For example, when I made the impulse decision to save Ryoji Kaji's life, I immediately set off across town as quickly as I was able, without any idea how I would reach my destination or how to accomplish the task when I arrived. It was only after I boarded the train, sat down and caught my breath, that the momentum of that initial resolution-action faded, and I started thinking logically about the endeavour I had embarked on.

To begin with, it was too far to walk. Public transport was inadequate. I did not own a car, and taking a taxi would involve a third person in what might become a dangerous activity. So I disembarked at the next station and jogged to a nearby store that would answer my dilemma. I kept time lost to a minimum by circumventing the queues; my state of anxiety was such that even the piercing theft alarm as I exited the store with my bounty had no dramatic effect on my heart rate or breathing.

Would Keel punish me for gaining a criminal record…?

Never mind that. Keel was the reason I was in this position.

I swung my leg over the bicycle seat and was already moving swiftly before the shop attendants reacted to the alarm. Their yells faded as I picked up speed and merged into the traffic. The wind whipping my hair in all directions chilled the perspiration on my forehead and scalp, so that I felt I was wearing a helmet of ice.

It was a long way to the base where Kaji was currently posted (and, incidentally, Sub-Commander Fuyutsuki was being held against his will) – a public train line, two hours express from Tokyo-3, did not come within forty kilometres of its boundary fence. It was for this purpose that I had stolen the bicycle; although the final approach would be on foot, for better concealment, this was only a tiny fraction of the overall travel distance.

Fortunately, my security clearance within SEELE's systems allowed me to view the defences and surveillance parameters from my mobile phone, so that I was able to plan a circumspect approach once I had hidden the bicycle a short walk from the perimeter fence. There were no trees or buildings to use as cover, but I arrived at dusk, wearing grey clothes to further limit visibility, and the guards were not equipped with night-vision equipment. I had also accounted for motion and heat sensors, but in the event those precautions were not required.

I barely sensed their presence; both men were as quiet and invisible as I in the gloom. Only a flicker in the telepathic atmosphere alerted me to their proximity. Carefully I circled around behind them and crept closer, taking all caution to move as quietly as possible.

"…They'll kill you for this, you know." Sub-Commander Fuyutsuki. He sounded weary beyond endurance, and possibly injured.

"Yeah, I'm aware of that." Kaji! "I was prepared for the consequences of my actions."

So … knowing his time to be running short in any event, the compromised agent had then chosen to free the man he had abducted. How unexpected, but in hindsight how like him.

I drifted like a shadow in their wake as they crossed the open ground to the perimeter service road. Full dark had fallen by now and the cicadas began their nocturnal chorus; they helped to cover the sounds of our passage, now made worse as visibility faded altogether. I realised that Kaji must know this area well – not once did he, or his charge, stumble on uneven ground or blunder into an obstacle.

Once across the service road, the two men disappeared from my sight. I stilled my first impulse to rush blindly after them; with forced patience, I continued my ghost's pace and found that the ground dropped sharply away beyond the shoulder of the road. I dropped to a crouch, then a crawl over the edge, to avoid being silhouetted on the skyline, and went after them.

Halfway down the hill, the open grass turned to scrubland and then thick tangled woods. I faintly heard the retreating sound of Kaji and the Sub-Commander moving through the trees; I slipped into the forest after them, placing silence above speed.

A little way in they stopped and the sounds changed to those of foliage being moved aside. There was a grunt of surprise from Sub-Commander Fuyutsuki.

"You planned this pretty well, didn't you?"

"Oh, this isn't my work," said Kaji cheerfully. They both spoke sotto voce, but I was able, as I crept closer, to make out their words.

"But you planned to make use of it."

"Sure did. This tunnel's been condemned for almost thirty years. Concealed and off-the-record right to New Fukushima – perfect if you don't want to be seen. We'll call it our little secret, okay?"

"Why are you doing this? I fail to understand."

I could picture the bittersweet, philosophical smile on Kaji's face. "I'm only trying to get at the truth – that's all I want. And I've just realised, whatever it is, NERV's closer to it now than SEELE."

"Hn." The sound of a car door opening and a grunt from the Sub-Commander told me he was getting into the car. "Well, you know the risks. There's nothing I can say to you."

"Not even a 'thank you'? No, don't answer that. I was the one who kidnapped you in the first place." Kaji joined him; I cursed to myself as I realised I was about to lose them. I wondered whether I should – or rather, _could _– show myself in front of Commander Fuyutsuki.

"Should I ask whether I can trust you on this, given that you're already dead?"

Kaji gave his light chuckle again. "There is honour among spies, you know."

Despite the gravity of the situation, I broke into a grin.

"The guards should be waking up in a minute," Kaji continued. "We'd better get this show on the road." The jangle of keys, and then the engine of the car spluttered – strained – heaved – and failed.

There was a moment of silence. The cicadas chirped happily to each other.

"…Shit."

"I concur."

"Piece-of-crap rental car…"

Fuyutsuki sighed. I listened as Kaji got out and opened the hood. For several minutes he tinkered with the engine, to no avail; periodic attempts to coax a response were in vain.

"You don't happen to have a spare battery in your pocket, do you?" Kaji muttered.

"Unfortunately, I find myself rather ill-equipped at the present," Fuyutsuki replied dryly. The strain of the situation showed in their forced levity.

A thought occurred to me; I stole from my hiding place back to where I had left my bicycle further along the road. It was perhaps five minutes' brisk walk; I hurried back with less care for silence, hoping and not hoping that they would still be there.

The car – a battered family sedan – and its occupants were where I had left them. Sub-Commander Fuyutsuki sat in the passenger seat, leaning against the headrest with eyes closed. The lines on his face stood out clearly. Kaji was still messing about under the hood, swearing and grumbling under his breath.

I stepped out into the small clearing, the light from my stolen bicycle held before me. "Mr Kaji."

He whirled, gun leaping to his hand quicker than I thought human reflexes and musculature could manage. Recognition dawned after a second, but he did not lower his weapon.

"Et tu, Kaworu?" he said bitterly.

The Sub-Commander had straightened awkwardly, wariness – but not fear – lending tension to the fatigue in his posture.

Self-consciously I offered the bicycle light. "Could you use this to jump-start the battery?"

Kaji looked at the light and raised his eyebrows. He opened his mouth, then hesitated, before evidently changing what he was going to say. "You? Help us?"

How to gain his trust, even temporarily? I shrugged. "Asuka would never forgive me."

He gave a laugh like a bark. "You're right there." The gun remained trained on me.

I took a deep breath, and put all sincerity into my face and voice. "We don't have much time. I can hide you – I know how to get around SEELE and Section Two. This action does not have to result in your death."

He hesitated, weighing me with his full attention.

"Please, Mr Kaji." I reached out to him. "Please believe me. I don't want Asuka and Misato to cry."

An expression of pain crossed his face briefly. Slowly, he lowered his gun. As I breathed out in relief, he flicked the safety on and holstered it inside his jacket. "All right. Pass it here, then."

"Kaji? Are you sure about this?" asked the Sub-Commander sharply. He looked at me as he spoke, his expression one of obvious distrust. I bowed formally.

"Nope, I'm not sure at all," said Kaji cheerfully. He took a cable, double-ended with metal jaws, and somehow attached them to the leads of the bulky car battery and the much smaller bicycle light battery. "Here, hold these," he said to me, and once I had a grip he tried the ignition once again. I reached for my psychic faculties, the same as when the pilots were trying to enter NERV, and the car revved into life.

Kaji heaved a sigh of relief and ran a hand through his fringe. "That should do it until I can get it to a shop."

The trip back to the outskirts of Tokyo-3 took several hours, due to the poor condition of the tunnel road. Kaji often had to slow to walking pace to weave between piles of rubble and large potholes, and once when we squeezed through a gap the car doors scraped against the obstructions on either side.

"This is why you chose to hire a car, yes?" I remarked from the back seat. In the rearview mirror I saw Kaji grin and tap his nose.

Aside from that comment, we travelled mostly in silence. The effects of his confinement and interrogation were beginning to weigh heavily on the Sub-Commander; most of the time his eyes were closed as he concentrated on containing his fatigue and pain. I had caught a glimpse of welts on his wrists corresponding to handcuffs; the poor colour of his face spoke of malnutrition and mental abrasion. There was water on hand, but real medical attention would have to wait until he was once more in NERV's custody.

Once out of the tunnel, Kaji aimed obliquely for Tokyo-3. He went the long way round, to a district on the outskirts of Yokohama-2 – a tiny, crowded, administratively flexible neighbourhood, almost ghetto-like in its isolation within the city. Its main attraction was the lack of public CCTV surveillance found in the central boroughs.

The Sub-Commander was deposited at an all-hours doctor's clinic. The cash we had on hand was enough for treatment that would tide him over until he could check into a hospital – he refused to let Kaji take him to one, saying there would certainly be surveillance.

"You've risked a great deal on my behalf," he said. "They'll already know you're the one who released me. You have to disappear, go somewhere safe – you can't be seen." He looked at me, and there was unexpected concern in his eyes. "Not only that, but they don't yet have any reason to suspect Nagisa here, if he's been careful." I nodded emphatically. "Then he isn't in any danger."

"Thank you, Commander Fuyutsuki," I said earnestly.

Again he surprised me, by returning my smile and looking kind – almost grandfatherly. "It wouldn't be very honourable of me to betray you now, would it?"

"Nevertheless I am grateful," I said, and bowed again.

"You take care, Nagisa," he said. "And you, Kaji. You both have my thanks." With some difficulty, he got out of the car and walked slowly up the path to the clinic. He didn't look back, but we waited until he was inside before we drove off.

We got a few hours' sleep in a parking lot – I thought I would be far too anxious to rest and relax, but the stress and tension of the long day, and longer night, produced fatigue powerful enough to override any psychological barriers. Even the uncomfortable car seat was no more than a momentary difficulty.

When we woke later that morning our first stop was a car dealership, where Kaji parted with the rental in return for a certain amount of untraceable cash – and the agreement that we had never been there. The inconvenience of not having personal transportation was less pressing than the fact that the car had been leased in Kaji's name and would be a signpost for his location. The dealer mentioned casually that he could paint it a different colour and change its registration; if we had needed any more clues as to the true nature of his operation, that would have done it. Kaji accepted the offer.

We left the dealership with fewer worries, and little more dire than grumbling stomachs.

"Should we get breakfast now?" I suggested. "There should be a café nearby, I saw some shops on our way here."

Kaji stopped me with a hand at my elbow. "Kaworu…"

"Yes?"

"Why are you doing this, really? You know it's a hell of a risk. Why?"

I shrugged and looked at my shoes, unable to adequately answer his question even to myself. "Honestly, I'm not sure. I understand the dangers, and yet … I am compelled. Truthfully, I do not know."

His hand landed on my shoulder with a _whump_. "Well, I think I've figured it out now, even if you haven't. Want me to tell you?" I looked up at him in surprise; he was smiling gently. "It's called friendship, Kaworu. It's wanting to protect other people – the people you care about – even if it means taking risks, or putting yourself in danger." He drew me in so that his forearm rested across the back of my shoulders. "Looks like you learnt something from us humans after all."

My heart ceased beating. "…You know?"

He smirked. "Car batteries and bike-light batteries aren't all that compatible, Kaworu. I can pick divine interference when it's right in front of me. But I knew before that." He ran a hand through his hair sheepishly. "Tell you what, after that conversation we had at the lookout point, when I found out who I'd been talking down to and making deals with … phew! You could've fried an egg on my face."

He laughed, so casual!, as he stripped away the façade that had allowed me to assimilate with humans, that had given me friends – given me Shinji—

"Please don't tell him!"

I discovered, when Kaji's hand descended on mine, that I was clenching fistfuls of his shirt.

"I won't," he said soothingly. "Don't worry, Kaworu, it's okay. Shinji won't find out from me."

"You promise?"

"Of course. Least I can do."

I relaxed, but only a little. "Mr Kaji … do you know if he is all right? I heard … things…"

"He's okay." Kaji squeezed my shoulder comfortingly. "He came out of the Evangelion, they don't know how. But he's walking and talking, just a bit weak."

"Oh, thank goodness," I whispered, sagging with relief.

Kaji enveloped me in a hug. "Hey … hey, it's okay. He'll be fine. Shh…"

I closed my eyes, a little embarrassed to be treated like a child. "Mr Kaji, how is it that you trust me?"

I heard the grin in his voice when he answered. "Well, I _was_ worried for a while, but not any more. Let's just say I think Shinji's been a good influence on you."

I smiled into his shoulder. After a pleasant moment I stood up straight, prompting him to release me. "Thank you, Mr Kaji."

"Don't mention it," he said. "After all, you're the one saving me, right?"

"Oh! Yes, I am. We should get on with it."

The streets were mostly empty, so as we walked I expounded the vague plan I had thought of during my travels yesterday. I knew that my apartment was safe – I had at hand a dozen ways to fool the security systems SEELE had set up to keep their tame Angel under surveillance. It had been an intellectual exercise for me when I first moved in; now I would be utilising these techniques in all earnestness. Kaji listened carefully as I explained the various ways and means – he grudgingly admitted my apparent competence, but insisted on giving the place a thorough look-over himself.

The first thing we did with our funds was to exchange our clothes, acquiring among our new garb a knit cap with which I hid my distinctive grey hair; our route to my apartment was almost entirely 'off the beaten track', as Kaji phrased it, but there was no harm in taking extra precautions. Only when satisfied with our disguises did we finally eat breakfast; needless to say, the chocolate bar that had been the only edible thing in Kaji's car had not been at all satisfying after our extended interval of stress and activity. We each had multiple courses, thoroughly pleasing the staff. They gave us small treats, on the house, as thanks for our custom – although I detected the ulterior motive of encouraging us to return and to tell our friends.

"It's called 'service,'" Kaji explained as we left the shop. He pronounced the borrowed word in its Japanese form _saabisu_, rather than the English original. "It's kind of an informal contract that we'll spread the word to people we know that this is a good place. They give us gifts, and we advertise for them."

"A pity for them, then, that we are not locals."

Kaji looked at me sideways. Cautiously, he suggested, "It might be an idea if we were."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean that, as safe as your place might be – and I do believe you when you say it is – it might be even safer not to go back."

"Leave Tokyo-3? Leave _Shinji?_ No!"

He grimaced. "I knew you'd say that."

My face had heated of its own accord, and I knew I would be turning red. I had to force my voice back to normal volume. "I apologise for being irrational. I understand what you are saying – it makes sense, and shows suitable caution considering our situation. But … leave Shinji?" I floundered, gesturing mutely, unable to articulate my instinctive rejection of the idea.

Kaji grinned ruefully and shrugged. "Well, it was worth a shot."

"I'm sorry," I said again. "You don't have to stay with me. I don't wish to endanger you, having just rescued you."

"Hey, you haven't finished rescuing me yet." Kaji nudged me with an elbow. "No, I'll join you at your place – I have people I'd miss, too, y'know. I think we could handle the risks. If I may humbly beg your forgiveness for this intrusion?" he added, and bowed extravagantly, with much hand-twirling and many theatrical arm gestures.

I laughed. "You are forgiven, but only if you bow like that again."

He did so, then straightened and indicated towards Tokyo-3. "Well, then, shall we see what the future has in store for us?"

I matched his grin with my own as we stepped forward together. "I would be delighted."

That evening, I went to Misato's apartment and gave her a hand-written note. I did not stay while she read it. But the next morning, I was woken by the delivery of two enormous bouquets of flowers. The sunflowers were addressed to me; the roses bore no name, but their deep red colour – love, in the language of flowers – told us for whom they were intended.

20. Purgatory.  
_Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue._

Sugimoto sighed and put down her cards. "Y'know, I don't think there's really any point to it."

I stirred. "Any point to what, Sugimoto?"

"This!" She gestured dramatically. "What's the point of coming to school when there's never anyone here?"

I looked around and was forced to agree. Aside from Sugimoto and myself, there were not ten students present. The classroom seemed echoingly empty.

"How long has it been since we've had a full class?" Kensuke said, putting down his own cards. "No sign of Ikari, again."

"Asuka hasn't come for _weeks_," Sugimoto said. "And that Ayanami never came anyway."

"I suppose school may be the least of their worries," I murmured. The others nodded agreement.

The door slid open then, and Horaki entered, looking troubled. She saw Sugimoto, Kensuke, Toriyama and I sitting together, and hurried over.

Sugimoto got to her feet as she approached. "Hikari, you okay?" she asked. "How did it go?"

Horaki shook her head. "I'll tell you later," she said. Sugimoto squeezed her hand and they sat down together.

"How is Suzuhara?" asked Toriyama. "I haven't seen him."

"He's … he's fine. Fine." Horaki nodded firmly, like she was reassuring herself. "Most of the swelling's gone down, so they gave him some new stitches. And they've worked out a schedule for when he starts his physiotherapy."

"How long until he gets out of the hospital?"

"I don't know. They wouldn't say. There's still so much they need to confirm – about how he's adjusting to it all…" She sniffed, blinking rapidly.

"Oh, Hikari…" Sugimoto put an arm around her. "It's okay, you'll see him again. I know you will."

"What do you mean, 'see him again'?" Kensuke said sharply.

"I'm leaving," said Horaki. "My family's moving – my father says it's not safe here anymore, so we're moving to New Yumoto, to live with my grandparents. I just told Toji then."

"Crap," said Kensuke eloquently. He gestured helplessly with the deck of cards. "And we were just saying how empty this place is getting!"

"We will miss you, Horaki," I said to her.

She smiled at me bravely, wiping her eyes. "You can call me Hikari, if you want."

I returned her smile. "Thank you, Hikari. Class 2-A will not be the same without you."

"It won't be as neat and orderly," Toriyama agreed. There were chuckles around the table, but they were listless, as though nobody had the energy to throw off the melancholy atmosphere.

"I'm sorry," said Hikari, noticing. "I didn't mean to depress everyone."

"It's not your fault," said Toriyama. "It's been pretty gloomy round here for ages."

Hikari sighed. "Maybe. But it's not just at school – Asuka's been acting really moody, too."

I looked up. "How is Asuka? She has been absent for nearly a month."

"She's being a grumpy cow," said Sugimoto bluntly.

"Sugi!"

"Come on, Hikari. Every time we go over to her house she just wants to sit and glare at the tv, or play games for hours. She won't come to the movies with us, won't do any girly things … she just spends all her time sulking."

Hikari sighed and shook her head. "I guess you've got a point. She's been down in the dumps since even before that last Angel. We try and talk to her, but…" She shrugged.

"I think she's upset over a boy," said Sugimoto. "She's showing all the classic signs of a broken heart – well, a bruised one anyway. I think a boy's to blame." She looked hard at me. "What do _you_ think, Nagisa?"

"Why are you asking me?" I said, trying not to appear uneasy.

"You always know more than you let on," said Sugimoto. "You play innocent, but people _talk_ to you. You get everyone's secrets."

"That isn't true," I protested.

"Sure it is," said Kensuke. "Everyone tells you stuff, Kaworu. You're like everybody's Agony Uncle."

"Come on, we've seen you chatting to _Ayanami_," said Sugimoto. "And Ikari and Asuka talked more to you than just about anyone else."

I squirmed in my seat. "I'm not sure that is correct…"

"Nagisa? Is Kaworu Nagisa here?"

We looked around. Our teacher stood in the doorway, adjusting his glasses as he scanned the room. I got to my feet, glad for a distraction from Sugimoto's strange assertions.

"Yes?"

"You're wanted in the principal's office."

"Oh, all right." I smiled and bowed to Sugimoto. "Please forgive my rudeness, Miss Sugimoto, but I must respectfully request that we continue this discussion another time."

"Oh, you!" She rolled her eyes, grinning, and flapped her hands at me. "Get lost!"

I waved jauntily as I left the classroom.

The principal himself was absent from his office, but sitting on his couch was Dr Ritsuko Akagi. She looked at me levelly and I suddenly recalled that NERV had almost reached the decision to select the Fifth Child, and I was the foremost candidate. A nervous, anxious feeling stirred my stomach.

"Kaworu Nagisa."

"Ms Akagi." I bowed, partly to conceal my uneasy expression. "What can I do for you?"

"Please sit down." She indicated to the chair opposite her. I sat, somewhat stiffly. "We were never properly introduced. My title is Doctor Akagi, NERV Headquarters, Engineering Section One." She gave me her card.

I glanced down at it. It occurred to me that Sub-Commander Fuyutsuki would have attempted to influence them to choose someone else, although of course without revealing why. It appeared he had been unsuccessful.

Dr Akagi was speaking; I returned my attention to her. "My department is in charge of selecting pilots for the Evangelions. You, Kaworu, have qualified as a candidate, and based on a number of factors, you have been chosen as the Fifth Child." She paused, waiting for a response. Not receiving one, she prompted, "Kaworu? Do you understand?"

I blinked, dragging my eyes from her name card to her face. She raised her eyebrows.

"Fifth Child?" I echoed.

"Yes. You have been selected as the new pilot for the Evangelion. Will you accept?"

Was there – could there have been – any other answer? "I…" My mouth was dry; it formed the words on its own. "Yes. I will pilot."

She nodded. "Thank you. Here are the preliminary legal documents—" She slid a slim folder across the desk. "This is just a written reiteration of the verbal agreement you and I just made. We'll make an appointment with a solicitor for you, along with your guardian or empowered representative, to go through the rest."

I took the folder and flipped through it, half-listening as she expounded the proceedings for the next few days. I signed in the appropriate places and returned them to her.

"Thank you, Kaworu." She gave me a nod as I stood. "We'll be in touch."

I bowed automatically.

"You don't need to go back to class," she said, as I headed for the door. "Your teacher has been informed."

I paused, considering. "No, I think I will return," I said after a moment, and remembered to add, "Thank you for your time, Dr Akagi." I shut the door behind me as I left.

The walk back to classroom 2-A seemed to take both an age and a minute. My footsteps seemed very loud, but my breathing, by contrast, was silent. It took a huge effort to slide the door open, and then I felt like every eye in the room was on me.

"So?" said Kensuke, as I rejoined the group. "What'd the principal say?"

"Are you in trouble _again_, Nagisa?" Sugimoto teased.

I looked at them for a long moment. Toji's friends – my friends.

"Well? What was it, Kaworu?" Hikari asked.

I forced a smile, and sat down with them. "Nothing. It was nothing. Who would like to play poker?"

The sun was beginning to set as I approached Shinji's apartment, the air warm and still. I had left behind the crowds of homebound office workers, and the building was wrapped in peace – the quiet between the day's birds and the evening's cicadas. The only sounds were the soft tap of my shoes and the bump of my bag against my hip as I walked.

If the noise of the bell seemed obtrusive and loud, it was nothing compared to the racket I heard when Misato opened the door.

"_Stow that line of crap, Shinji! Just don't even talk to me!"_

"_I'm sorry! I was just asking – ow! That hurt, Asuka!"_

"_You shouldn't have put your foot there! You always get in the way!"_

"_It was an accident! If you'd look where you're going—"_

"Oh, hello, Kaworu," said Misato. She forced a smile, but her expression was fatigued. "How's it going?"

She was standing in the doorway, so I could not look along the hall to see whence came the arguing voices. "Good evening, Misato. I have been well; what of yourself?"

"_And what the hell do you call that?" _

"_Hey, watch it! That's mine!"_

"_Then get it out of my space!"_

"_OW!"_

Misato sighed. "Great. I've been just great." She winced at the groan of furniture being shoved across the floor, then a clatter that sounded like a chair falling over. "What can I do for you, Kaworu?"

I tried out several queries in my head, before choosing one that sounded suitably diplomatic. "Is Shinji available, please?"

Another crash, followed by thudding footsteps. Misato sighed and stepped aside so I could look in and see Shinji emerge from the kitchen. He was red in the face and out of breath. "Kaworu?"

I offered a smile. "Shinji. It has been a while, has it not?"

He broke into something between a grin and a grimace. "Yeah, I guess so," he said awkwardly. "Um – I was going to call you—"

"Hey! Don't run away, Third Child! I was talking to – oh, it's _you_." Asuka, shoving Shinji aside as she too entered the hall, scowled even more when she registered my presence. "What are _you_ doing here, Nagisa?"

I blinked, taken aback by her harsh manner. It had only been recently that she and I had shared a fairly candid, intimate discussion; her manner with me now more closely resembled her treatment of Kensuke and Toji. "Hello, Asuka. I—"

"Soryu. Not Asuka. Don't be rude – I know that must be hard for an idiot like you, but just try it." She folded her arms and fixed me with a quelling look.

"Asuka, there's no need for that," said Misato. She sounded stern, but tired, as though she had engaged in this argument previously.

"Oh, I get it." Asuka now turned her glare on Misato. "Taking _his_ side, huh? Well, go right ahead. I've had enough of this crap." She turned and stormed into the kitchen. I heard a door slam and surmised that she had shut herself in her bedroom.

Misato sighed again. "Sorry you had to see that, Kaworu. What was it you wanted?"

I shook my head. "There is no need for you to apologise, Misato. I simply wished to speak with Shinji."

"Sure. I'll let you two talk by yourselves, then." She gave a weary smile and retired to the kitchen.

Shinji now joined me at the door. He too seemed tired, but gave me a shy smile. "Do you want to come in?"

Trying to move past the poisonous atmosphere, I forced a light tone. "Actually, I was wondering if you would like to have dinner." I showed him my opened bag, containing provisions for a picnic meal. "I have come prepared."

Shinji laughed lightly in surprise. "Oh, wow! Like when we had breakfast, huh?"

"Exactly. Would you care to join me, Shinji?"

He glanced back at the apartment. The sound of Asuka yelling at Misato, and the major's frustrated response, caused him to wince. He shook his head and forced a smile for me. "Yeah, that'd be great."

He wrote a quick note for Misato and stuck it in the doorjamb, then locked the door and we hurried away. For several long minutes we walked in silence, drinking in the cool evening air and concentrating on putting distance behind us. After a while we slowed to a more natural pace; when we reached the park where we had had breakfast, empty at this time, we crossed to our hill and spread the picnic rug without a word being said. There was no traffic around – everything was peaceful and still, the evening blending into night.

"We have beef curry and rice," I said, as we sat down. "It's rather mild – I don't have much tolerance for spicy food – but there is powder if you would like to make yours hotter."

"Oh, mild is fine," said Shinji. "Thanks, though – you thought of everything!"

"On the contrary," I said cheerfully, "Murphy's Law ensures that _something_ was forgotten. No doubt we will find out shortly what it is."

He chuckled. We opened the insulated tub containing our meal, the delicious scent immediately captivating, and served portions onto two paper plates.

"Mmph," said Shinji, his mouth full. He swallowed and tried again. "This is great, Kaworu!"

"It is? Thank you! I'm glad it turned out edible – I've not made curry before."

"Really? That's fantastic!"

"You're so kind, Shinji. But I could not have done it without your excellent culinary tutelage." Kaji had offered to help, but I politely declined – I wished to make it using only the skills Shinji had taught me.

"Sure you could've. You're amazing." As though the words had escaped without his permission, he suddenly shovelled rice into his mouth, looking intently at his plate.

I would have hugged him if not for the fear of getting curry everywhere. "Oh, Shinji. I have missed you!"

He looked rueful. "I'm sorry…"

My smile faded at his remorseful expression and I set my plate down on the rug. "Don't feel guilty," I urged softly. "It's all right, now that I'm with you. Although … just why _have_ you not been at school? It has been quite a while."

He poked at the rice with his chopsticks, a guilty expression on his face, so that I thought he would not answer. Eventually he spoke in a low voice. "I don't really know. A couple of times I've gotten dressed in the morning, and walked to the train station and stuff, but … I just couldn't get on the train, you know? I've … missed you, too – you guys, I mean." He fell silent, and studiously stirred his dinner. It may have been the light, but I thought he was blushing.

"I have telephoned your apartment several times," I said, "and Misato has said that you were resting – recovering from the last Angel attack. Shinji, were you hurt? Are you all right?"

He squirmed. "Yeah – sort of. I don't know." After a moment he said, still speaking to his plate, "I was stuck – trapped – in the Eva for a month."

I had heard the reports: the Third Child's body dissolved, reduced to quantum form, merged with the LCL of the entry plug. But the bare bones and facts relayed to me by SEELE's information division – even Kaji's assurances – meant nothing compared to the boy at my side. I gently took his dinner and set it on the blanket beside mine, then took his hand and enfolded it in both of my own.

"Would you like to tell me of it?" I asked.

He shrugged. "I don't remember a lot. It didn't feel like a month. It was all so weird – I didn't know what was going on. It wasn't all that scary, really. Even the – I guess they were hallucinations – even they weren't really scary, just strange. I felt like I was looking at parts of myself, interrogating myself, like I was trying to examine and justify who I am." His voice trailed off; he turned away and I felt his hand trying to flinch from my hold. I gripped tighter.

"Did you find an answer?" I said softly.

"No," he whispered. "Everything I came up with … none of it was really true. My enemy … my purpose … why people like me … I thought I had the answers, but even then I knew they weren't right. I don't know what it's all for, what _I'm_ all for. I don't know at all."

"Perhaps you will find out in time," I said. "You are only young, Shinji; you have your whole life ahead of you. You do not need to have all the answers just yet – you may never need them at all. Philosophers live on thought, but other humans need action as well." I squeezed his hand. "If you live whole-heartedly, that is enough to be going on with. And who knows? You may find your answers when you are not looking for them."

He looked up. "Do you really think so, Kaworu?"

"I believe so." I smiled. "You worry so much, Shinji. You are so anxious, so caring; your heart is so delicate. Do you not also feel happiness? Do you not wish for joy? They are there for you, if you will reach for them. Life can be wonderful if you live it."

He looked searchingly into my eyes. "That's true, isn't it?" he whispered. "You really believe that." A small smile curved his lips. "You say such strange things, Kaworu. But it sounds right, coming from you. It all seems to make sense. You make it sound so easy."

"It is attainable," I assured him. "To change your view, to actively reach for happiness and to work towards it, instead of merely running away from pain – this can be difficult. But even the change itself, the growth as a person, is rewarding. Hands are warmer when blood flows through them." I entwined my fingers with his to demonstrate.

"But what if I mess up? What if I make a mistake?"

"Then you learn from it. Well, admittedly it is more fun to learn from other people's mistakes…" I paused as he giggled, before continuing with a smile, "…but you will find you are able to pick yourself up and carry on. Your friends will help you."

"I don't want to be a burden…"

"Not at all," I said bluntly. "That is what friends are for. You would help me if I made a mistake, would you not?"

He looked shocked. "Of course I would! I'd do anything I could for you!"

I smiled. "Then understand that we will do the same for you. We will support you, Shinji. We care about you."

"Not…" He hesitated, looking again at his shoes, then plunged on, "Not just because I pilot the Eva?"

I drew a sharp breath. "Absolutely not. Banish that thought, Shinji. It does not deserve to be entertained for even one second." I studied him, seeing the wretchedness on his face. "Was that one of the hallucinations?"

He nodded. "I didn't _want_ to believe it, but … well, that's why I'm here, in this city – that's why I know the people I know, why I live with Misato, why I'm – why I _was_ friends with Asuka."

He bit his lip, but apparently could not contain the words that then burst from him. "But now she's mad at me because she was defeated by the Angels and because I said no to her, and she thinks I like Ayanami because somehow she knew Ayanami had asked me too, and now she just yells and fights all the time, and Ayanami doesn't make a big deal out of it but I hurt her feelings even though I didn't mean to, I didn't want to hurt either of them but I did, and I feel awful about it all and I don't know what to do to make it better!"

Oh, bother. "…You said no to Asuka?"

He had started blushing when his outburst began; the red had now reached his ears. "Yes. I didn't know – I never would've guessed that either of them might ever…" He picked at the grass by his shoes. "I mean, I'm just me, and they're both so pretty, and strong, and all those things…"

"Why then did you refuse them?" I did not mean to press him, but my confusion and the pang of empathy for Asuka and Ayanami compelled me. "Is there someone else you have feelings for?"

His embarrassment seemed to peak. "Um. I'm not sure … yet. I think maybe I like … someone..."

"It isn't Misato, is it?"

Shinji burst out laughing. "What? Misato?"

I shrugged, smiling though I was uncertain what the joke was. "Well, Toji and Kensuke find her attractive, do they not?"

"Well, yeah, Misato's pretty and all, but … it's like with Asuka and Ayanami. I care about them a lot, they're really important to me, but it's more complicated." He took a deep breath. "Asuka ... she's amazing, and I really admire her, but I don't know if I could actually, you know, _be_ with her, go out with her. She's always so hot-and-cold, I just don't understand her. I don't know how to act around her – I just know I'd always be saying and doing stupid things, hurting her or annoying her." He ran his fingers through his hair. "And Ayanami ... what I feel for her ... it doesn't fit with just 'like' or 'want to go out with'. It's like she's an important part of me, that I lost long ago ... I can't really explain it." He smiled ruefully. "Not even to you, Kaworu, and I feel like I can tell you anything."

"You can, Shinji. I will always be glad to listen to you, for you to unburden yourself of worries and concerns, of troubles and secrets – or if you wish for silence, it will also be yours. Whatever you decide, Shinji, I will do my best to support you."

He nodded gratefully. "Thank you, Kaworu. I – that means a lot to me. _You_ mean a lot to me." He blushed and looked away again.

"You are important to me, too, Shinji," I said softly. I grinned. "And so, I must confess my ulterior motive for luring you here tonight."

"Huh?" His head whipped up. "You—ulterior—? Luring—?" Even in the evening light, I could see his face rapidly redden.

"Now, now, Shinji. Do not be distressed. If you cast your mind back to our party shortly before I left, you may recall that I promised you a present."

"Oh…" He looked relieved, or disappointed – I was not sure. "That? I'd forgotten all about—"

"I, fortunately, did not. And so…" I dug in my bag and produced the reason for my invitation. "Voila! Enjoy!"

He accepted the flat rectangular package with his customary humility. "You shouldn't have – really, such a bother…"

I waved away his protestations. "Nonsense. Open it!"

"Okay…" He unwrapped the gift with nervous but deft fingers. A photo album was revealed, to a gasp of delight, and he opened and flipped through it, his expression growing brighter with every page. "Oh wow – Kaworu, it's full of pictures of us! Look, there's me and Kensuke and Toji – there's Misato and Pen-Pen – hey, when did you take this one? Asuka, Ayanami and me? Oh, and the school field day – and the visit to that shrine – and that house Toji thought was haunted…" He looked at me, eyes shining. "Kaworu, this is wonderful! Thank you so much!"

"I'm glad you would like it. I wanted to give you an especially thoughtful gift, as well as this one…"

"What, another one? But I—"

"Oh, don't fuss." I deposited the good luck charm, bearing his name in gold-leaf paint, on a photo of Shinji, Misato and Asuka at their apartment. "I gave one of these to everyone. This…" I tapped the album, "is the real present, just for you, Shinji."

"It's wonderful, Kaworu," he said sincerely. "I'll always take care of it." He tucked the good luck charm in his pocket and continued to flick through the album, a delighted smile on his face.

I hesitated. I was loathe to spoil the happy mood, but it would be deceitful not to tell him. "Shinji … there is something I must impart to you."

"Hm?" He looked up. Seeing my expression, he closed the album and put it aside. "What is it, Kaworu?"

I took a deep breath. "I met with Doctor Akagi today. She told me I had been chosen as the Fifth Child."

For a moment Shinji was still. His face, his expressive eyes flickered between dismay and anger. I waited anxiously for his response.

The stars made a circle of the sky before he moved, reaching out and drawing me into a vice-like embrace. "I'll protect you," he whispered against my ear. "I won't let you get hurt. I'll do everything I can to keep you safe."

I held him as tightly as I could. "And I you, Shinji Ikari."

21. What Her Crimson Eyes Need.  
_Don't follow in my footsteps, I run into a lot of walls._

Ayanami was late. We had agreed – well, I suggested and she nodded silently – on six o'clock, and it was now nearly thirty minutes past. It was more than could be accounted for by a delayed train or other traffic-related problem. She was supposed to finish at NERV by five-twenty; surely she would have called me if she knew she would be held up there. Where could she be?

Appropriately, the rain started just as the station clock tolled the half-hour.

I was not quick enough to avoid being comprehensively doused; when I ducked under the overhang of the station façade I left wet footprints and an interesting pattern of dripped water. I shook my head and watched droplets scatter from my hair, catching the fading light. It was not cold, but the rain had been threatening all day, and now that it was released it came like vengeance.

"And about time, I reckon."

The food vendor beside whose stall I had stopped grinned at me. Between the heavy moustache and general lack of teeth, his mouth appeared an almost solid black hole.

"What do you mean?"

"Been cloudin' over and thunderin' all arvo, I been wishin' it'd bloody get on with it. That stuffy, muggy weather just makes me itch summat rotten." He stirred the contents of a deep tray as though wary that they might try to eat his spoon.

"Yes, the air before a storm does seem breathless somehow." I found myself staring at the … whatever it was he was stirring. "Er, what is that?"

"This? Genuine Kansai-style okonomiyaki, good as owt from old Tsuruhashi! Only the best and tastiest ingredients, stewed in a mouth-watering blend and then fried to perfection! The recipe was handed by my granddad to me, by his granddad to him, and so on further back than anyone can remember!" He thumped his chest proudly.

"Oh, I see." I peered more closely at the tray's contents. This time I recognised the cabbage-heavy batter, but only because I knew what I was looking at.

The vendor sniffed deeply. "Mm-mm! Smell that fish! Boyo, you just gotta have one! Your mouth'll love you forever!" He was already dipping the ladle to put some on the hotplate.

"Well, I'm actually meeting someone for dinner shortly," I said apologetically.

"That so? She cute?" He winked, leering.

"Yes, she is very pretty. She appears to be running late, though." I scanned the crowds nearby, hoping to catch a glimpse of Ayanami's distinctive blue hair, but to no avail. "Very late, in fact."

The vendor shook his head sadly. "Hate to say this, boyo, but I reckon she ain't comin'. I know how these things work – I'm a man of the world. Been workin' this beat near on twenty years and I know the things they ain't gonna teach you in school. Dropped out at fifteen meself, never went back."

"Never?"

"Nope. Way things be now, ain't no point gettin' a fancy education. Some Angel ain't gonna give a rat's if you're tryin' to be a lawyer or summat. Y'need money now so's you can spend it now, eh?"

Another demonstration that the Angels had already crippled mankind's perception of their future, even though they had not yet succeeded in actually winning it from them. "Some people may agree with you."

"They will if they know owt of the world. And you…" he said firmly, and nudged me with the reversed ladle, "oughta let your girlie go and get onto feedin' yourself. No need to starve 'cause the lady didn't turn up, eh?" Again the laden ladle approached the hotplate, but again it did not reach.

"Wait, there she is. Ayanami!" I called to her, and waved.

She did not hear me – at least, she made no response. I frowned when I realised that she was walking slowly through the heavy rain, wearing only her school uniform – no jacket or long sleeves of any kind. She seemed listless, drifting through the crowds.

"Two yasai-yaki, please," I said to the vendor, and started away.

He saluted with the ladle. "Go get 'er, tiger."

I jumped down the stairs to street level and fairly ran to her, slipping off my jacket as I went. She did not look up at my splashing approach, nor when people in the crowd jostled her on their way. My pace increased with my growing concern – Ayanami was never the most lively or skittish person, but this was entirely different to her usual demeanour.

"Ayanami – Ayanami!" I called again.

Finally a response, when I was nearly beside her. She looked up as though surfacing from deep water.

"Nagisa?"

I slid to a halt and draped my jacket over her shoulders in the same movement. A shiver ran through her frame and she reflexively reached up to hold it closed around her, but there was no consciousness or relief in the action.

"Ayanami, what is the matter? Are you hurt? Ill? Did something happen? What is wrong?"

She flinched from my interrogation, her whole body wincing. I promptly shut my mouth.

Carefully I drew a breath, stifling my worry, and started again. "Forgive me. I did not mean to make demands on you that way – I can see that you have had a rough time. Please allow me to help you." I put a supporting arm around her shoulder (ignoring Adam's soul stirring within me) and, having received her mute permission to assist her, guided Ayanami back the way I had come. I summoned a mild telepathic pressure to facilitate our passage through the careless crowds, until we reached the nook inside the station facade where the okonomiyaki vendor had his stall.

"You're lookin' like you could use warmin' up," he said, concerned. "Somethin' toasty in your belly oughta do the trick," he added, back to his advertising persona. Ayanami made no response, but I gestured my agreement.

I sat her down on the bench nearby and held her as our food was cooked. Neither we nor the vendor spoke; the noisy rush of the station entrance seemed to fade and we acquired a private bubble of silence. Ayanami gradually stopped shivering, and she leant on me less as she returned to herself. As I firmly suppressed Adam's agitated reaction, I detected a similar effort of will from Ayanami as she evidently quelled Lilith within her, and we forced the two rivals to return to slumber.

"Here you go." Two hairy hands, adorned by two heaped dishes, intruded on our reverie. "Eat up, you two."

"Thank you," I said. "Ayanami? Here, it is nourishing and restorative. And vegetarian." I had remembered that she disliked eating meat.

She took the plate silently. As though on automatic, she broke her chopsticks and began to eat.

The vendor had been boasting when he described the quality of his dishes, of course. But at that time, in that situation, it was perfectly suited to our needs. I had noticed that food, or merely the act of eating, could sometimes be soothing or comforting – a sponge for emotional distress. I now, in myself as well as Ayanami, observed the demonstration of that effect – I could see Ayanami calming down as she ate, the familiar, routine motions reassuring in their repetition and their connection to the primal, fundamental act of nourishment. She began to look up occasionally from her plate and the floor, to which her eyes had been adherent. Once she even caught my eye – she saw my smile, and while she was not yet up to returning it, her gaze softened noticeably.

For myself, witnessing Ayanami's recovery, thus relieving my distress for her, acted in combination with eating my own meal to alleviate the tension that had settled over me. By the time my plate was clear (I was hungrier than I had realised) I felt much more relaxed. My concern for my friend remained, but the urgency had been replaced by calm focus.

"So," said the vendor cheerfully, "Tell me that weren't the best yasai-yaki you ever did eat."

"It was definitely in the top fifty," I said, smiling.

"Top fif—Why, you ignorant whelp!" He waved the ladle menacingly at me, trying and failing to hold back a grin. "You wouldn't know good yasai-yaki if it hit you in the face!"

"Very well, I concede," I laughed. "It was all we could have hoped for. Right, Ayanami?"

She nodded, and a whispered, "Thank you," made its way out from beneath her fringe.

The vendor grinned and replaced his weapon in its batter housing. "All right, I'll let you off this time. But don't do it again, you hear me? Okonomiyaki ain't no jokin' matter."

"I understand." I stood, and collected and disposed of Ayanami's plate with my own. "How much do we owe you for those?"

He rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "Well, all things considerin', it was a real pleasure and a relief to see yon lass perkin' up a bit on the virtue o' me own meal." Ayanami looked at the floor again, but I rather thought it was due to embarrassment. The vendor snapped his fingers decisively. "I'll do you a special. Two for one."

"Oh, we couldn't possibly—"

"Now, now, whose stall is this? Who makes the food? Who sets the prices? 'Sit you, boyo? I'm thinkin' it ain't. Now just you fork over enough for one meal, and then git movin'. 'Kay?"

We resolved the issue by reverse haggling, and I would not allow him to give me change, but he warned that I was still obligated to tell all my friends where to get the best okonomiyaki anywhere in the district (my response of "that restaurant near the clock tower, right?" was met, predictably, with a jab from the ladle).

"Now, you kiddies run along now and have some fun, 'kay?" He lifted Ayanami's chin gently with a crooked finger. "And you – try not to feel so down, 'kay girlie? Pretty face like yours shouldn't be troubled by owt." She blushed and nodded.

"Thank you very much," I said to him. "We will be sure to call on you again."

"Damn straight," he mock-growled. "Else there'll be right trouble, no two ways. See you round."

We waved and said goodbye, and headed into the station to take the train home.

Given Kaji's tenancy at my apartment, it was outrageously unwise of me to invite Ayanami there. But everything I knew and felt told me that her own residence, which I had seen once briefly when I walked her home after school, would not be a suitable environment for the talk I intended to have with her. Such a cold, dreadful place could only freeze and crush any emotions aired therein. No, I would take her to my house – which was beginning, now that Kaji lived there also, to look more like a home – and work to create an environment in which she could open up and be healed. Hopefully Kaji would stay out of sight if I warned him.

While we waited at the station for the train on my line, I let the crowds momentarily separate us so I could telephone the apartment from my mobile. Kaji wisely let it ring through; it was picked up by the answering machine he had installed for me.

# You have reached Kaworu Nagisa. I am either away, asleep, or ignoring someone; if I don't call back it may be you. #

The message script had been Kaji's idea.

# _beep #_

"I am bringing home a friend. Please … 'lie low.'" I hoped that was the correct metaphor. "We are leaving the central station now."

I hung up. With luck he had heard it, or would check the answering machine before we arrived.

We both kept quiet during the train ride – Ayanami, despite having accepted my invitation, was nonetheless apprehensive about the conversation she knew would happen. Her willingness to communicate with me on sensitive matters did not preclude her nervousness about doing so. I understood this, and so did not engage her prematurely.

It was a fifteen-minute walk to my apartment from the nearest station. We did not speak during that time – Ayanami kept quiet and followed half a step behind me. The old lady who ran the newspaper stand on the street corner waved at me, as she had done every day since we had a short conversation one morning; the man who lived a few doors down was leaving the elevator as we approached, and held the door for us, smiling. I registered faint flickers of surprise from Ayanami, but she did not comment until we were alone in the lift.

"You seem to have become part of the community," she said, almost wonderingly.

"Oh? Well, people are generally friendly – I see no reason to be rude in return." I shifted from foot to foot – was there an ulterior motive to her remark?

"Is it possible that you are becoming attached to the people around you?"

And there it was.

"That may be true," I said weakly. I watched the lights indicating the floors of the building, willing them to hurry up.

"There isn't much time left for you to resolve this," she said. She sounded almost gentle.

I sighed. "I know."

I felt her eyes on me as we reached my floor and left the elevator, but she did not continue with the line of questioning. I was grateful; those were not issues I was yet prepared to discuss. Besides, today it was Ayanami's turn.

Forgetting myself in an effort to be polite, I held the door for her so that she preceded me inside. I realised my mistake when she stopped short and I heard something I had hoped not to.

"Oh … crap. Um, hi Rei."

"Mr Kaji."

I ducked inside, wanting to disbelieve my ears. He stood at the open refrigerator, the carton of juice raised to his lips.

I groaned. "I told you to lie low."

"When did you tell me that?"

"I left a message on the answering machine…"

"Huh? I never check that thing, who'd call me here?"

"I would! And I have asked you not to drink juice from the carton!"

"You didn't give me much time to check the machine, did you? And you're the one who keeps leaving the fridge door open!"

"Excuse me," said Ayanami.

We fell silent. She turned to me, her gaze measuring. I tried not to look too desperate.

Her look became deliberately neutral – blank, even. "I don't see what the problem is. I haven't seen Mr Kaji here, because Mr Kaji is dead. How could I have seen a dead man? It's impossible."

There was a moment of quiet.

Then I took her hands and squeezed them. "Rei, thank you so much. I cannot tell you how much I appreciate this!"

When I released her I saw that she was blushing.

"Does everyone think I'm dead?" asked Kaji. I glared at him. "I mean, thanks Rei. I do mean that," he added, and I knew he was in earnest.

"It's nothing," she said demurely.

"Shall I make tea?" I offered. "Ayanami, why don't you sit down? It's good to talk over tea."

Kaji looked between us briefly, then said, "I'll disappear for a bit." He squeezed Ayanami's shoulder as he passed, and shut the bedroom door behind him.

I worried about how I might encourage her to open up to me, but when we sat down with our tea, I realised the answer had been staring me in the face.

I set my mug down, slopping tea over the sides. "Rei! What happened to your throat?" Automatically I reached out to her, but dropped my hand when she winced away.

"It is nothing. You ... should not concern yourself," she said stiffly. She averted her gaze, hiding under her fringe.

I placed my hand on hers. "Have we not passed this?" I asked gently. "Did I not make myself clear, that I can and will bother about you? That," I gestured to the angry red marks around her neck, "is not 'nothing'."

"It is not something you need to worry about." But her protest was feeble, and as she spoke she clasped her mug with both hands as though clutching at a rock of solidity.

"Rei, please tell me."

She stared at the tabletop for a long moment. Her hand drifted to her neck seemingly of its own accord, and she drew her fingertips lightly over the marks. Suddenly she shuddered. "Doctor Akagi," she whispered. "I … we were talking, and I said something – I don't know what – but it made her angry…" She shivered again.

I slid into the seat next to her and we sat side by side, legs and shoulders touching, as she told me the details of Dr Akagi's shocking attack.

When she finished, I took one of her hands in both of mine for a moment. "I would like you to not see that woman again," I said firmly, then sighed resignedly. "Though I suppose it is not feasible. I have only met Dr Akagi a few times – why would she do something like this?"

"She said she had been very busy lately," said Rei slowly, "and that it was just a joke. But…"

"That is no excuse," I said darkly. "What had you been talking about beforehand?"

"I don't really remember," she admitted. "It was about … the Commander, I think … and about Shin— about Ikari, I mean…" Suddenly she blushed, and I sensed her thoughts take a very different track.

"You spoke to him, did you not?" I said quietly.

She looked at the floor. "Yes. He does not think of me that way."

I had already been told this by Shinji, but now I shared her disappointment as though hearing it for the first time. "I am sorry to hear that."

"No, don't be," she said, surprising me. "I'm glad I told him. He said that he cares strongly for me and that I am important to him, and that is enough."

"Because you care for him, too," I interpreted, "above and beyond your romantic feelings for him."

She blushed again, looking young and vulnerable, and didn't answer aloud. But I sensed my words resonating and knew them for her truth.

"Although…" she said, and hesitated.

"Yes?"

"Although perhaps I should not have told him. It feels … I haven't spoken to him much since then, but it feels as though we cannot really talk anymore. As though I have caused there to be distance between us, when the distance had been becoming smaller. As though I have lost him, a little." She stared at her tea; I realised that she had not drunk any.

I sipped mine, and said thoughtfully, "My understanding is that awkwardness often follows romantic overtures, whatever their result. If you and Shinji feel uncomfortable around one another, this is to be expected. I expect Shinji is now afraid that he has hurt your feelings and that you will dislike him. He is a kind person – he understands how easily someone's heart can be hurt. Naturally he will be concerned for you."

"Yes," Ayanami whispered. "Yes, he will be. He is kind." She lifted her cup and took a sip. Her small sigh told me that she approved of the blend.

"You should talk to him again," I said. "I am sure Shinji is just worried that he has hurt you. This distance between you will certainly distress him as it does you. Speak with him – he ought to know that you do not blame him."

Ayanami nodded. Her eyes were on her tea but I could tell she saw something more distant. "I will tell him that I wish to remain friends. I will say that I am not hurt, even though it is not entirely true." She looked wistful for a moment, then blinked and shook her head a little as she returned to the present. She took a sip of her tea.

I smiled, proud for her. "Shinji is right – you are very strong, Ayanami. These feelings are new to you, and yet you maintain clarity and consideration. It is no wonder he admires you so."

She looked down at her tea, her fringe hiding her eyes. "You called me Rei before. I … would not mind if you continued to do so."

"Thank you, Rei. I am pleased and honoured that you felt able to talk to me. I hope that I have been of help in some small way."

"You have," she said solemnly. "You listened."

"It is what friends do. Rei, I hope I may consider myself your friend?"

"A friend … Yes, I think you are my friend."

I smiled and squeezed her hand. "Then everything will be all right."

22. Clairvoyant's Gamble.  
_Blood is thicker than water, and much tastier._

[_Du arschloch_ = you asshole; _Verdammt_ = damn it,_Nie_ = Never.]

NERV had been described to me as a maze; true to prediction, within minutes of our arrival Shinji and I had become separated and I found myself wandering down an empty corridor alone. The bare hall magnified echoes beyond a level mere acoustics should allow, making my footsteps sound like those of a troop. A tap running in another room carried clearly as though I were at the source, and I could not help overhearing the muttering of a girl in pain.

"Urgh … Why do I have to go through this just because I'm a woman? I never want kids anyway..." The tap squeaked as it was turned off. Her voice grew softer, but more distressed. "And …why all this? Why can I hardly synch any more? It was always fine until the other day…"

I poked my head around the corner. "Asuka?"

"Wha—Ack! Nagisa!" Asuka whirled, clutching one hand to her chest. "Get out of here, pervert!"

"Pervert? Why do you say that?"

"Don't play dumb, you – you lech! You're a filthy boy who looks into ladies' rooms!" She pointed her finger accusingly; I looked at my surroundings and realised I had indeed poked my head into the female lavatories.

"I'm sorry – I looked in here because I heard you talking. Are you all right?" I took a step nearer her.

"Don't come further in, you moron!" She was pale, and I thought that she trembled slightly.

"Asuka, you look unwell. Can I do anything for you? Perhaps you should sit down?"

"Mind your own damn business! I'm fine. _You _just get the hell out of here, right now!" She shoved me in the chest, but I caught her hands as I stumbled backwards and drew her with me. There was a bench just outside, and it was to this that I brought her. She made a show of struggling, but could not disguise the relief with which she sat down. Her indignant independence only extended to spurning the shoulder I offered in support.

I leaned in, trying to see her face. "Asuka, you are overwrought. You must calm down. Please tell me, what is troubling you?"

"Nothing – I'm fine." She sat hunched over, gripping her hands between her knees.

"Is it that you are having difficulties with your Evangelion?"

I had not known that a person could be so eloquent in silence.

"I see. Asuka, I understand that you have had bad experiences, but this tension, this anxiety impedes you and does you harm." I gestured, attempting to encompass her pallor and visible state of distress. "If you do not relax and allow it into your heart, the Evangelion will not move for you."

Asuka stared at me. "What are you talking about? How am I supposed to open my heart to a puppet?" The question was meant to be rhetorical, but she could not hide how near she was to desperation.

"Puppet?" Did she not know? "The Eva has a heart like your own. Closing your heart, you cannot synch with it."

"Closing my heart…" Asuka whispered, and shook her head. "I can't believe I'm even listening to you, after what happened the last time I followed _your_ advice…" She frowned, suddenly suspicious. "What would _you_ know about it, anyway? _I'm_ the pilot – who do you think you are? And why are you even here?"

I hesitated. It was enough.

"_Mein Gott_—" She scrambled to her feet, one hand at her mouth. "It's _you_. You're that new pilot. You're here – to replace me."

My head snapped up. "What? No! I'm not a replacement." But even as I protested, I realised it was so. A feeling of guilt and conflict made my stomach twist.

Asuka was as pale as ever, but now it was from fury. "You – You've been sitting here telling me how to pilot my Eva, when _you're_ the one who's going to be stealing it from me! You – _du a__rschloch_!" She advanced on me, fists clenched for violence.

But even as I pleaded with her for calm – I could see how her anger drained her – Shinji ran in.

"Hey! Stop! Asuka – just stop it!" He interposed himself between us, facing Asuka with hands raised imploringly.

Her fleeting expression of pain was quickly replaced by bitterness. "Sure, take _his_ side. Who's surprised?"

"What's that supposed to mean?" said Shinji. "What's going on here? Asuka, why are you yelling?"

"Because Nagisa's a twisted, interfering – _Ach_, why the hell should I tell _you_? It's none of your damn business. Now get out of my way so I can give this bastard what's coming to him!" She tried to step around him, but Shinji blocked her.

"Asuka – don't hit Kaworu—"

"Keep your hands _off_ me—"

"Just calm down—!"

"Lemme go!"

The sudden peal of the emergency alarms shook the air, cutting off all other sound. # All hands to Level One battle stations! Prepare for surface-to-air intercept! #

"An Angel?" cried Shinji and Asuka together.

# Repeat – All hands to Level One battle stations! Pilots for Evangelion Units 00 and 02 proceed to emergency positions immediately! Pilot for Unit 01 proceed to cage number three and stand by! #

Asuka hesitated, then barged past Shinji and shoved me in the shoulder. "This isn't over, Nagisa. I'm not through with you yet!" She whirled, catching me in the eye with her hair, and stalked away. Before I felt able to draw breath, she was gone.

I stared after her, a hand pressed to my eye. But that small sting was nothing next to the pain I felt at having lost Asuka's friendship, and the sinking premonition that it would be a very long time before there would be any hope of regaining it.

"Kaworu? You okay?" Shinji's hand was on my arm.

"Yes, I'm all right. My eye is watering, that's all." I wiped the moisture away, and changed the subject to move on from the upsetting moment. "Why must you stand by, Shinji?"

He frowned. "I don't know – I'd like to ask them myself. Come on, you'd better come with me. It'd be dangerous for you to leave now."

I followed close behind Shinji as we hurried down the hall. Fortunately he knew where he was going, as I had not yet committed NERV's layout to memory, and after a while it became difficult for me to retain my sense of direction. We did not speak – I was keenly aware of Shinji's tension and knew intuitively that he would not appreciate being distracted.

A few minutes later, we arrived at what I knew to be the bridge – the command centre of NERV operations. Lts Hyuga, Aoba and Ibuki were ranged in front of complex-looking control panels; Maj Katsuragi and Dr Akagi stood by them. Commanders Ikari and Fuyutsuki presided from the level above and behind us. Fuyutsuki met my gaze briefly, but gave no sign of recognition. I was careful to do the same, and not look away too quickly.

As I saw Shinji's father for the first time, I was aware of two entirely separate responses. Immediately, and as I had predicted, the remnant of my father Adam's soul stirred within me, sensing the proximity of his preserved body, now fused into the commander's right hand. But that was less intimate and powerful than my personal flare of anger and enmity towards this man, who had made much of Shinji's life miserable.

Commander Ikari looked at me, and through his glasses our eyes met. I glared at him.

His right hand spasmed, curling in towards his wrist in a jerking motion, fingers clawed and flexed as though in pain. He grabbed at it with the other hand and I looked away, feeling strangely satisfied. As the noise of his struggle came to a stop I felt his eyes on me, but pointedly ignored him.

"Misato!" Shinji was saying. I returned my attention to him as he approached her, one hand half-lifted as though in supplication. "Why am I on standby? I'm the only one not in the fight. I don't get it – I mean, Asuka's sick…"

Misato was in Major-mode again, and allowed barely a flicker of gentleness past her professional demeanour. "Orders, Shinji – from on high."

Shinji glanced up. The heavy gaze of the Commander made him flinch.

"That's correct," came the voice, as harsh and cold as I'd imagined. "Get to your post."

Now Misato showed some of her natural sensitivity. "Can you blame him, Shinji? After what happened…"

Shinji looked at the ground, silent.

"Rei and Unit 00 are both ready for launch," reported Lt Ibuki.

"Very well," said the major. "Rei, prepare for ultra-long range fire! Unit 02, prepare to launch as backup!"

There was a shocked pause. # Backup? # Asuka cried. # Me? For Unit 00? #

"You heard me," said Misato sternly.

# I don't believe this! # Asuka yelled. # Eva Unit 02, _launch!_ # There was the sound of a track firing, and Unit 02 headed towards the surface.

"Asuka!" snapped Dr Akagi. "What are you doing?"

Misato folded her arms. "Fine. Let her take the point if that's what she wants – we'll see."

"If she screws this up, she won't be allowed to pilot any more," Dr Akagi said.

"You mean this is her last chance?" asked Lt Ibuki.

"We have a replacement ready," said Dr Akagi. The three women looked at me; I pretended not to notice.

"Unit 02 has surfaced," reported Lt Aoba. "The target is still beyond firing range – no sign of re-entry."

I turned my attention at last to the screen, to the image of the glowing skeletal bird that was Arael. As soon as I stopped resisting, I felt her step into my mind.

- **tabris. it ****is**** you. i wondered -**

**- **Arael. Fancy meeting you here. - I thought to her, though I knew she would not understand the cliché.

**- what is the meaning of this? of your presence, and in that form? -**

- It is my strategy – to live among them, and pass as one of them. I was always the subtle one, you must remember. -

**- you were always the trickster, i do remember -**

I felt her trying to search my mind, and turned her away firmly, although not without an effort of concentration. While the other Angels treated telepathic contact like a conversation, Arael seemed to regard it as an invitation to rummage around just as she pleased. - Mind your manners, Arael. It is not polite to read another's soul without permission. -

**- 'manners'! your flippancy ill becomes the gravity of this situation, brother -**

- Would you prefer I speculate on your chances as I see them? -

**- i will not ask questions to which i already know the answer you will give. i must concentrate on my battle -**

- You will not win. You should give up, - I transmitted – a vain hope if ever there was one.

Arael's surprise reached me clearly. **- you were not always such a fool, tabris. you think I will believe your proclamation and simply sit back, allowing you to supersede me? has your mind been addled by the denseness of our lilim cousins? -**

- You will not win, - I repeated. - Just leave, before they destroy you. - And before Asuka or Rei is hurt, I added to myself.

Arael's contempt hit my mind like a heavy blow. I staggered.

"Kaworu? Are you okay?"

I blinked my eyes clear and struggled to focus on Shinji. He was leaning in, a hand on my shoulder. My head pounding, I forced myself to answer. "Yes, I'm fine. Just – nothing."

# C'mon, you stupid Angel! # came Asuka's voice over the link. # Why are you so lazy? Get down here already, so I can – #

She broke off with a strangled gasp as a beam of light engulfed Unit 02. The instruments at the lieutenants' desks let out a piercing wail and a dozen red warning lights flashed on, their alarms blaring.

"Asuka!" Misato cried out. She whirled on Lt Aoba. "_What is it?_"

"I don't know!" he yelled back. "No heat or kinetic reading on the beam!"

Lt Ibuki gasped. "The psycho-graph's gone completely erratic! Contamination on the signal!"

"Her _mind_…" Dr Akagi exclaimed. "It's attacking across her ego borderline! It's a mental probe!"

A pained, horrified groan came from Asuka, barely audible – but penetratingly affective.

- Arael! Stop it! Please, don't do this to her! -

**- tabris – you would defend the lilim against your own kind? -**

I collected myself enough to hold in check my frantic concern for Asuka. - You don't need to do this. They will not forgive you or allow you to live. There are other ways, Arael. This – you are in an exposed position. You cannot reach Adam from there. -

**- i will fight the way i choose. how dare you interfere! your arrogance will be your undoing, tabris -**

- Do not do this! -

Again she struck my mind. I clutched my skull; dizzy, I fell to my knees and my vision swam so that I was not sure which way was up.

# _Verdammt!_ # Asuka screamed, and wrenched her gun to her shoulder and fired. But the shot curved below Arael and fell back to earth.

"Positron beam attack – no good!" called Lt Hyuga. "Target remained out of range!"

Asuka screamed again, incoherent, and emptied her rifle in a series of wild shots. Unit 02 cringed away from the beam of light – the rifle slipped off its shoulder and fell to the ground.

"What the hell is that beam?" demanded Misato.

"It – it's registering like an AT field," said Lt Hyuga, "but its energy's concentrated in the visible range. That's all we know!"

"How's Asuka?" Dr Akagi snapped.

"Bad!" Lt Ibuki's voice was ragged. "Mental contamination _imminent!_"

- Arael! -

Her reply was another mental blow, but I mastered the pain. "Rei! Go, _now!_"

# Affirmative. Positron rifle charged – preparing to fire. #

"Fire!" Misato yelled.

The monitor showed the ascending beam of light, thinner and counter to Arael's assault. It arced up towards her, dead on target—

"No good!" said Lt Hyuga. "The hit can't penetrate the AT field at extreme range!"

"Can we raise the power on the rifle?" demanded Misato.

"Negative – we're already at maximum!"

# No! # Asuka screamed. # Don't you dare! Keep _out_ of me! #

- Arael, I will never forgive you! -

"Unit 02 is paralysed!" cried Lt Ibuki. "Not responding to pilot's orders!"

"Bring it back!" Misato snapped. "Asuka, retreat immediately!"

# _No!_ I'd rather die than come back now! #

"That's an order, pilot!"

# _Nie!_ #

"Let _me_ go!" Shinji said. "I'll go out in Unit 01, Misato. Please!" His voice shook. "I may not get the Angel either, but I can at least save Asuka!"

"Shinji, you can't!" I cried. "What if the same thing happens to you?"

"I don't care!" he said. "I have to do something – I have to _try_ to save Asuka!"

"Shinji," the Commander broke in. "That boy is right. The Angel has reached her mind, even from orbit. We cannot allow the same fate to befall Unit 01."

"And so? Are we just going to _leave_ her there? To let who knows what happen to her?"

The Commander was silent a moment. "Rei," he said at length. "Descend to Central Dogma and retrieve the Lance." I stared at him, stunned.

Sub-Commander Fuyutsuki whirled on him. "Ikari! Are you _serious?_"

"It's too far for penetration by positron beam," said the Commander coldly, as though defeating Arael was his only consideration. (Would he really do it? He must know SEELE's intentions for the Lance…) "And it won't get close enough for the Eva's own AT field to cancel the Angel's. It's the only way."

Fuyutsuki bent down to speak urgently into the Commander's ear, too low for the other humans to hear. "Ikari, isn't it too early? The committee has initiated mass production of the Eva series."

"Fuyutsuki, this is our chance. We can't turn the clock back, but we _can_ make the hands move faster."

"Gendo – the old men won't stand for this!"

Asuka's scream tore my attention away.

# Stay _out_ of me! # she cried. # Stay out stay out stay _out_—! #

"Asuka, hang in there!" Shinji begged. "They're going to save you!"

I decided, quite suddenly, that I cared absolutely nothing for how using the Lance of Longinus might interfere with the prophecies of the Dead Sea Scrolls. - Arael, did you hear that? The Lance! -

**- what? that thing? no–! -**

# Lance secured, # Rei reported. # Ascending to surface. #

I felt Arael's mental presence draw back in fear. Asuka gasped – a strangled, agonised sound – and her Eva fell to its knees as it was released from the beam.

"Asuka!" Shinji and I cried together.

"Can you hear me?" Misato said.

The sound of muffled sobs came over the link. # Shut up, # Asuka whispered. # Leave me alone. I'm _fine_. Shut – shut up… #

"Unit 00 has surfaced," reported Lt Aoba. "Target is stationary; orbital altitude remaining fixed."

The Evangelion lifted the spear it carried, testing the weight.

"What _is_ that?" Shinji said. "That thing … can it really defeat an Angel?"

"Unit 00 is in position," said Lt Hyuga. "Confirm target; correct for error."

# Ready, # said Rei.

"Countdown start!"

**- tabris? tabris, will you let them – they cannot! the lance… -**

My mind seethed; I could not avoid the wish for retribution for the pain Asuka had suffered, and the torture Arael would have inflicted on her if the mental attack had continued any longer and succeeded in breaching her mind. - I warned you. Zeruel did not believe me, either – that the Lilim are stronger than we thought. They will fight with everything they have, and believe me, Arael, that is easily enough to challenge us. -

**- then we are doomed, all of us. the lilim will have the future. there will be nothing for us, nothing we can do -**

- Goodbye, Arael. -

**- until we meet again, tabris -**

"Zero!" shouted Lt Ibuki.

On the screen we saw Unit 00, the Lance held javelin-style, take its run-up – four heavy steps – and hurl the spear straight towards the Angel. Clouds swirled apart in its wake as the missile soared through and out from the atmosphere. It was dead on target.

Arael's pain overwhelmed my senses and my legs buckled under me. The explosion of light from the Angel's demise flooded the room, blinding everyone.

"Target eliminated!"

Gradually I became aware, through blurred eyes and shriven nerves, that Shinji was at my shoulder. "Kaworu? Are you okay? You collapsed again."

I forced a smile for him. "I'm fine, Shinji. Just a nervous reaction." I got to my feet, Shinji supporting me; my head still ached fiercely, but I was able to look around me, and soon to stand on my own.

"Recover pilot – return Eva unit to cage no. 3."

"What's the status of the Lance?" said Sub-Commander Fuyutsuki urgently.

Lt Hyuga consulted his instruments. "It reached escape velocity. Predicted to enter lunar orbit."

"So it's gone…" Fuyutsuki muttered.

"What about Asuka?" Shinji demanded. "Is she okay?"

"Asuka?" Misato called. "Can you hear me?"

There was a long pause before Asuka answered.

# Yes. I can hear you. #

"Asuka, you're all right!" Shinji blurted. "Thank god! What happened? What did it do to you?"

# Shut up, # she whispered. # Just shut up. I can't stand this … I can't believe that – that little _bitch_ rescued me. Rescued _me!_ I'd rather have died! #

"Asuka…" Shinji whispered.

"Unit 02 has reached cage number three. Docking procedures complete. Pilot disembarked."

Shinji's hands clenched into fists. He hesitated, then whirled and ran from the bridge. Misato and I stared after him.

"Asuka won't want to see him – or anybody," Misato said. "He has to know that. What does he think he can do?"

"He doesn't know," I said. "But he has to try. Even if there is nothing he can do, he has to reach for her."

Misato nodded glumly. "Even though he knows he'll get hurt. Of course." She scrubbed her face with a hand, then drew a breath and let it out with a sigh. "Kaworu, we'll inform you when to report, okay? For now … just go home."

I looked at the main monitor: in cage no. 2, Asuka slammed the locker room door in Shinji's face; the Lance of Longinus approached the moon, soon to begin its orbit; and Rei returned to Central Dogma, silent and ignored. Arael's remains floated in orbit. They would fall to earth and burn up on entry to the atmosphere.

I nodded sadly. "Understood, Misato."

When I arrived home I found Kaji sitting at the kitchen table, staring into space; his expression was melancholy, and a bowl of cereal sat untouched before him. It was easy to guess what occupied his thoughts.

"Do you miss her?"

"Huh?" He looked up, startled.

I slid into the seat opposite him. I needed a distraction from the day's traumatic events. "Do you miss Misato?"

He dropped his eyes, and gave that bitter smile of his. "Can't hide anything from you, can I, Kaworu."

"I could ask her to come and visit," I suggested.

He sighed. "We've had this conversation already, Kaworu. I can't put her at risk again. I don't know why I'm even here still – I'm just endangering you."

I thought of my sister's vicious assault on Asuka. "You should not be concerned for an Angel."

He grabbed my shoulder. "I'm not worried about an Angel, I'm worried about _you_, Kaworu Nagisa. Shinji and Asuka's friend – the boy who saved my life."

His words were kindly meant, and at any other time I would have rejoiced and treasured them. Now they hit me like a brick to the chest. "Don't say that," I whispered. "If I am her friend – why could I not save her?"

Kaji went still. "Save her? What do you mean? What happened to Asuka?"

I flinched. "There was an Angel—"

"Shit—Tell me she's all right!"

I couldn't bear to look at him. My voice, as I forced it to work, sounded hollow and distant. "We don't know. Arae—This one attacked Asuka using a psychic probe. It very nearly got inside her mind – it was in the process of breaking her mental barriers when Rei destroyed it. Asuka – she was crying, and refused to talk to anyone … and then she collapsed – she had been ill earlier – and was taken to the hospital…"

"Hell…"

"Now she just lies there, half asleep, not eating or talking … they don't know if she will ever recover…" My voice broke, and I realised tears were falling down my cheeks. I tried to draw a breath, but it caught halfway and turned into a sob. "I could do nothing to help her – she was hurt so badly…"

Then Kaji was sitting beside me, putting his arms around me and rubbing my back. "Shh … it'll be okay, Kaworu, it will. Asuka's strong, she'll pull through – just give her time. It's okay … it's okay…" Time slipped away as he held me, and – for the first time in eons of existence, but only a few months of life – I cried.

23. Allies.  
_I prefer to interact with people in a kind and gentle manner, but I am also not opposed to establishing my dominance in a reign of terror. And vice versa__._

[Liebchen = 'little love.']

The voice over the link was blurred by static, but recognisable despite the interference. # Kaworu? Can you hear me? #

I nodded. "Yes, Misato, loud and clear." _Asuka … forgive me… _

# Good. How does it feel? #

"Everything is fine." I refrained from mentioning that, actually, I felt like an unwelcome intruder in Unit 02's entry plug. Even though its core had not been yet been configured for me, I knew I was trespassing in Asuka's territory.

# Okay. We're going to initiate first-level interface now. You'll probably see some strange things as the neural connections link up, but just try to relax. #

"I understand." Nobody at the Tokyo-3 branch of NERV knew that I had been the pilot of Unit 04 at Nevada – as far as they knew it was my first time piloting an Evangelion, and so they coaxed and coached me every step of the way. It was considerate of them.

# We're ready to go. #

# Good luck, Kaworu! #

I broke into what felt like my first smile in a long time. "Thank you, Shinji."

The outside world disappeared; psychographs of inverted colours and alien lighting took its place. I felt the charge in the LCL as it was electrolysed, acquiring a metallic texture. I sniffed.

# Kaworu, how's it going? # Misato asked.

"It smells like Asuka," I admitted.

# Well, she was its only pilot up til now. #

"I know." My voice was quiet.

# But don't let that bother you, # she said hurriedly. # Just concentrate on what you're doing. No distractions. #

"Right…"

As the startup continued, the scent I had noticed became stronger. It seemed to form a tangible presence – I felt that I could almost see a faint outline. A person … a woman? A girl?

# Commencing A-10 nerve connections. #

There it was!

"Oh—!"

# Kaworu?! # called Shinji, but I barely heard him. A deluge of feelings and impressions had swamped my consciousness and I was overwhelmed by emotions that were not mine. Anger, fear, protectiveness – A picture of a little girl with red hair, holding a stuffed toy and crying, blended with an image of the same girl, now nearly a young woman, wearing her crimson plug suit as she fought and won.

_- who are you? you should not be here! where is my _liebchen_? -_

- Are you – are you Asuka's mother?! -

_- where is asuka? -_She swirled into view before me – a woman with pale hair and a fierce expression. I saw Asuka's resemblance to her immediately. _- you do not belong here – this is my _liebchen's_ place. i must watch over her. where is she? -_

I felt wretched; the last thing I wanted to do was to upset Asuka's mother. But her anxiety and protectiveness for her daughter was just as distressing. - Asuka … Asuka was hurt. That last Angel injured her. I – I'm sorry. -

_- my _liebchen_ … hurt? -_ The emotions surrounding me changed hue, becoming infused with grief and worry. _- oh, asuka… -_

- She will get better, - I said quickly, hoping that I spoke the truth. - She is resting now, and it might take a long time, but she _will_ recover. - _She must_, I added to myself.

_- i tried to protect her, -_ came the sad voice. Her image wavered, beginning to grow weaker. _- i tried to keep her safe… - _

I reached out to her dissolving visage. - You still can. Until Asuka is well again, I can sit in this place. Will you let me help you? Please? -

_- you … are asuka's friend? -_ The fading slowed; her image came back a little stronger.

- I am. -

_- you care for her? -_ Our eyes met. Hers were the exact same shade of blue as Asuka's.

- I do, very much. -

Her mind brushed against my own, seeking and absorbing my feelings for Asuka. _- you speak the truth, i can feel it. … very well. i will allow you to join me, for now. what is your name? -_

- Kaworu. What is yours? -

_- my name is kyoko. kaworu, asuka's friend, we will protect her together. -_ The vision faded, but the feeling of her nearness remained. _- we will protect … my _liebchen_… -_

With a gasp, I was back in the world. My heartbeat drummed loud in my ears and I felt the need to take a deep breath.

"That was unexpected," I said to myself.

# Kaworu! Kaworu, can you hear me? #

"Shinji?"

# Are you okay? You're okay, right? #

I called up his image on the monitor. His face was flushed and creased with lines of worry. But when his eyes met mine he relaxed beautifully, relief lighting his face. "Shinji…" I whispered.

# Kaworu, what's your status? # broke in Misato. # Are you hurt? #

"Hm? Oh, I'm fine, Misato. Everything is all right. Why is everyone so worried?"

# There was a problem with the nerve pulses, # said Dr Akagi. # We lost contact with you – there was a huge amount of mental contamination on the signal. #

"Oh – I am sorry for worrying you…"

# No need to apologise. But it'd be safest if you came to the infirmary right away. #

"Understood." Their images faded from view. I ran my hands over the trigger grips. "Until I see you again," I whispered, and felt the mental brush of Kyoko's farewell.

When I left the entry plug, Shinji was waiting at the cage door. He was out of breath and still in his plug suit, but a grin broke over his face as I approached.

"Kaworu – I'm so glad you're okay."

"Shinji, did you run here from cage three?" I asked, looking closely at him.

"Um." He looked embarrassed. "Uh, yeah … I was just a bit worried, that's all. Don't scare me like that!" His expression was angry now, but it was the anger caused by anxiety.

I took his hands and squeezed. "That is very sweet of you, Shinji. I am so sorry to have upset you."

He blushed. "Yeah … well, just don't do it again, okay?"

"I will do my best."

We started for the infirmary, and it took me a moment to notice that we were walking hand-in-hand. Shinji seemed totally unconscious of it – I wondered whether he was even aware of how much he had come out of his shell. Maybe one day I would tell him.

Dr Akagi was at the infirmary before us; she raised her eyebrows slightly but did not comment. "Thanks for getting here so quickly, Kaworu," she said to me, then to Shinji, "You can go home now, Shinji – you're done for the day."

"Already? Oh, okay." He turned to me. "I guess I'll see you around, then, Kaworu."

"As always, I look forward to it," I said. I looked after him for a long moment as he left.

Dr Akagi cleared her throat. "Well, well. And I thought Misato was exaggerating."

"What is it, Dr Akagi?"

She smiled, tight-lipped. Now that I thought about it, she had been showing signs of stress for a while now. "Oh, nothing. Just how close you and Shinji are." But her thoughts gravitated swiftly from Shinji to Rei, and then to Commander Ikari. I wondered what the connection was between herself and the latter two – more, I sensed, than the one's personal physician and the other's trusted subordinate.

After a moment, Dr Akagi shook herself. "Sorry about that. In here please, Kaworu."

I followed her into the infirmary, and at her direction sat on the table in the middle of the room. The air had a sour, clinical smell, and the hard mattress with its plastic cover did nothing to make the room comfortable.

Dr Akagi had taken out a clipboard and pen, and held them poised to take notes. "Now Kaworu, can you tell me what happened after we initiated the A-10 nerve connections?"

I wondered what her reaction would be if I told her I had communicated with Unit 02's resident soul, but decided against it. I did not wish to expose Kyoko to the world she had left behind. "Nothing happened. I was just looking out at the cage. Everything went quiet, so I could not hear anything, and there was a feeling of pressure, like being underwater."

"Nothing else? You didn't see or feel anything strange?"

I shook my head. "There was no change. It was just silent, that was all."

"I see." She wrote a few more lines – almost attacking the page with her pen; she really _was_ displaying symptoms of stress – then looked at me intently again. "Kaworu, we told you today would be a dry run. That meant that Unit 02's core wasn't psychographically configured for your neurological specifications yet."

I tried to seem as though I did not understand the technical jargon, but was pretending to know what she was talking about – something of a double bluff. "Yes?"

"Are you aware that you synchronised with Unit 02?"

Oh – oops... "Is that bad?" I asked, feigning uncertainty. Internally I was feeling acutely foolish for making such an obvious mistake. So much for 'just a normal teenager'...

"It's not theoretically possible," said Dr Akagi bluntly. "We checked our instruments – no errors. Now, I'll be the first to admit that we don't know everything about the Evas, but if Unit 02 accommodated you before it had been rewritten according to your personal data ... well, as I said, the theory says it's impossible." She tapped the clipboard with her pen. "Are you _sure_ nothing happened after the nerve connections were established?"

"Yes, I'm sure. It was just silent, and pressurised – I saw nothing, felt nothing, smelled nothing ... well, it did smell like Asuka a little bit, but that was so earlier."

She frowned, apparently frustrated. "All right. Well, I'm going to run a couple of tests anyway, to be on the safe side."

There was a strange box-shaped machine on a trolley in the corner of the room, covered in buttons, lights and wires. Dr Akagi wheeled it over to me and produced a skullcap sewn with electrodes, which she connected to the machine with yet more wires.

"This is an electroencephalograph," she said, "though we usually just call it a Goosegg. It'll monitor your brainwaves to give us an idea if there was any mental contamination."

"I feel fine, Dr Akagi," I said.

"I'm sure you do – this is just to make sure. It's possible, though remotely, that an intrusion was made that you're not conscious of. And Ritsuko's fine," she added, with another tight smile.

I nodded. As she set up the machine I debated whether to accept the invitation to use her given name – I was disinclined to be friendly to the woman who had attacked Rei, but if I was now accepted into NERV I would need to have at least cordial relations with its chief scientist. Refusing the offer of informality would be cold almost to the point of outright rudeness.

"It takes a few minutes to warm up," she was saying, "so I'm just going to give you a physical checkup in the meantime. Say 'ahh.'"

"Ahh…" For the moment, I decided, I would just be silent wherever possible, and avoid addressing her by name if I could. I reflected that Japanese, with its loaded and connotation-heavy terms for 'you', was not the ideal language in which to do so.

While asking me questions about my life, diet, exercise and so on, she listened to my heart – the stethoscope was surprisingly cold – and took my temperature, before producing a syringe from a drawer. "I need to take a bit of your blood, okay Kaworu?" Seeing the look on my face, she added, "Don't worry, it's just a little twinge."

I did not tell her that my expression was due, not to the needle, but to the cord she was tying around my arm to bring out my veins. It was the same cord she had wrapped around Rei's throat.

As the syringe punctured my skin, I found myself wishing the 'twinge' on her, when suddenly she twitched and grabbed at the crook of her own elbow. "Ouch," she hissed. "What was that?"

"What was what?" I asked. Outwardly I projected nothing but kind concern; inside, I was surprised and meanly pleased by what I had done.

"Um – nothing," she muttered. "Just an itch." Shaking her head, she continued with the various tests.

When the physical examination was complete and the 'Goosegg' warned up, Dr Akagi fitted me with the skullcap. "Just relax – don't think about anything in particular. But there's no need to meditate or go to sleep, either."

I nodded, and thought about whether or not to tell Shinji what Dr Akagi had done. I had the feeling it was not my place; Rei should be the one to decide whether to inform him.

"Do you use this … 'Goosegg' … on all the pilots?" I asked casually.

Dr Akagi looked up from the emerging printouts of my brainwaves. "Hm? Oh, Shinji and Rei have both been Goose-scanned before. Each after their first time in Unit 00, in fact."

I had been 'listening' for her feelings, so I sensed the drama of the events she was remembering.

"Did something happen?" I asked. "Were they all right?"

"Oh – yes, they were fine. Shinji's memory was a bit blurry afterwards, but physically he was unhurt. Rei…" She hesitated. "Rei was … a little shaken up. She recovered quickly, though."

I looked at her face. "You are her personal doctor, are you not? You must have been worried about her."

"Of course I was!" she said hurriedly, but her thoughts declared that concern for Rei had not been at the forefront of her mind. Instead, Commander Ikari dominated her recollections of that day. _Nobody was as worried as _he_ was … and he was never worried about anybody else._ Dark jealousy flooded her feelings and I perceived the motive for her attack on Rei.

My silence caused her to look up, and she caught me staring at her. "What is it?"

I shook my head, collecting myself. "Oh – nothing." As the initial surprise faded, I found myself pitying Dr Akagi. She had attached herself to such a callous man, unaware – or trying not to believe – that he would never return her feelings, that he was capable only of using people for his own ends. He treated her coldly, but lavished attention on the First Child. It was no wonder Dr Akagi resented Rei.

Nevertheless, that did not excuse the attack she had committed.

Dr Akagi was glancing over the printouts from the Goosegg. "Well, that should be about enough. I—" She paused, and peered closely at a place on the graph. Her brow furrowed.

"Yes? What is it?"

As I watched, she scanned back and forth along the printed sheet. Her thoughts and expression both radiated confusion and the beginnings of concern. "…I'm going to take a closer look at these."

"Is something wrong?"

"We'll see. Oh, I don't think it's contamination from the Eva," she assured me. "But I will need to study these in detail, and your blood and tissue samples. In the meantime…" She shuffled the printouts into a neat pile. "You pass the physical and preliminary mental, and you're approved to keep piloting Unit 02, on probation. So I guess we're done for today."

"Understood." I slid off the examining table.

"I'll contact you if anything comes up," she said as she collected the samples from my physical check-up. "Bye, Kaworu."

"See you later." As I left, she was again engrossed in the Goosegg printouts. I wondered what could be the matter – what exactly did that machine measure, anyway? I would need to do some research on it.

My curiosity faded instantly into unimportance when I saw who was sitting on the bench outside.

"Shinji, hello." As ever, just the sight of him was enough to make me smile.

He looked up, an answering grin spreading across his face as he took the headphones from his ears. "Hi, Kaworu."

"You weren't waiting here for me, were you?"

He blushed. "Um, maybe." He looked away, and swallowed a lump in his throat. "I … I went to see Asuka again … though I know it can't help her any. She still won't wake up."

"There has been no change, then? Did the doctors tell you anything?"

"No, they just said they'd inform Misato if something happened." He kicked at the ground. "I feel so useless," he whispered. "There's nothing I can do for her, no way I can help."

"There is, Shinji," I said softly. "You can wait for her. You can keep her in your thoughts, and go to her side when she wakes. Asuka will come back to you – I believe it. Her spirit will not fade or be conquered."

"She's the strongest person I've ever met," he said softly. "I want to believe… If anyone could recover from something like that, it'd be her. I hope – I'm sure she'll be all right." He nodded firmly. "She will." Looking up, he managed to coax a smile for me. "Thanks, Kaworu. You always make me feel better."

"If you are smiling, Shinji, that is enough to make me happy."

Shinji blushed and glanced around as if searching for another conversation topic. "Um, so what are you doing for the rest of the day?"

"Oh, I had no plans. What do you normally do after the tests are done?"

He shrugged. "Usually I just go home. But … the way things have been lately, I haven't really wanted to go home much."

I thought of Misato and Shinji in the apartment with Asuka's empty room, reinforcing each other's depression. "Oh, Shinji…" I was conscious of a yearning to cheer him up – seeing his melancholy upset me. "I understand how you feel. But Shinji, at least you have a place you can call home, right? To have somewhere you can return to – this is something to be glad of."

He looked up again. "You think so?"

"Certainly. If you need it to, it can become a source of contentment and happiness."

"Do you want to come over tonight?" he blurted, then blushed and bit his lip. "I mean – that is, if you're not busy … I'm sorry, I should have asked first…"

I smiled – he was still so hesitant. "I would be delighted, Shinji. Thank you."

"Oh – oh, good," he said happily. He got to his feet.

We did not meet anybody as we left NERV – most of the workers had not yet finished. The distant hum of machinery and our own steps were the only background noise to our conversation, which in consequence felt almost as private as if we were in a closed room.

"What was your home like before you came to Tokyo-3?" I asked Shinji.

"Well, I lived with my teacher. It was calm, and boring – I never really had to do anything. I didn't mind, though. It was okay to just exist." He shrugged. "My teacher and her husband were … kind to me, and they looked after me … it was just…" He stared at the floor and spoke in a low voice. "…I haven't heard from them since I came here. They never called me, or wrote to me or anything … not a word."

I frowned, feeling again that empathetic pang for him. Why, _why_ were the people who were supposed to care for Shinji so cold to him? Could they not see the damage they did? First his father, then his guardians… If Misato had not taken him in when she did, Shinji may have become irreversibly withdrawn.

"I guess…" Shinji murmured, "I guess I never really had a home – that _felt_ like a home – until now."

I put my head on the side and smiled. "Misato and Asuka have truly become your family, have they not?"

His expression softened with his own smile. "Yeah, they have."

"Then I'm sure you can maintain your closeness. In difficult times, the bonds of family are stronger and more precious than diamond. To have someone who will always support and care for you, to have a place you can always come back to – it is a wonderful thing."

"Yeah…" Shinji sighed happily.

When we arrived at their apartment, Misato was pleased to see me, but I saw that her greater delight came from Shinji's efforts to smile and connect with her. While the shadow of our dark days was never fully banished, and we were always aware of the things that had gone so wrong, for a brief time at least we could summon light and happiness, together.

24. Independence (through juvenile delinquency)._  
The question isn't who's going to let me, it's who's going to stop me._

"Think of the times in which we live. We may all be having fun here and now, but there is no knowing what tomorrow might bring. You need to live every moment to the full! I assure you, regret for things undone is worse than regret for what was done."

Kensuke scowled and kicked a stone off the edge of the platform. "Seize the day, right? Easy for you to say."

"At least you would know, one way or the other." I tried to sound encouraging.

"Come on! As if a cute girl like her would ever go for someone like me! Besides," he added, and glared at me, "_you_ were the one she was checking out."

I blinked in surprise. "I'm not sure that is true—"

"She totally was! Just ask Toji, he's the one who pointed it out to me!"

"I am sure, if she was looking at me, that there was a simple reason for it. Not many people our age have grey hair and red eyes, after all."

Kensuke rolled his eyes. "Whatever." He mock-scowled at me.

# The next train to depart platform two will be the Tokyo-3 Loop. Tokyo-3 Loop train, now arriving on platform two. Please mind the gap. #

"That's my train." Kensuke picked up his bag and slung it over his shoulder. "Catch you later, yeah?"

"I will see you tomorrow at school." I stepped back from the edge as the train drew up to the platform.

"Yeah, you can tell me how you went on that maths homework. What a pain!" He made a face.

The doors beeped as they prepared to shut. "Mathematics that gave _you_ difficulties, Kensuke?" I called. "What hope is there for the rest of us?"

Through the closed doors, Kensuke made a rude sign at me. As the train began to move, he waved and went to find a seat. I returned the wave, but not the offensive gesture, then put my hands back in my pockets and headed for my own platform.

Our most recent visit to see Toji had been markedly less depressing than the first. He was fully awake, no longer taking such strong opiates, and sharing his hospital room with a boy our age, with whom he got on well. The boy's sister had been visiting at the same time – she was our age and very pretty, which had instantly earned her Kensuke's regard. Toji had been quick to notice this, and tease him accordingly.

Despite his best efforts to pretend otherwise, I had sensed pain and fear below Toji's liveliness; when I questioned him while Kensuke was out of the room, he admitted he had been enduring nightmares, and was undergoing counselling for post-traumatic stress disorder.

However, he never allowed negativity to dominate his thoughts, instead taking a determinedly optimistic view. He talked nearly non-stop throughout our visit, eagerly filling us in on the details of his impending physiotherapy course. He dismissed any impending pain and frustration, instead making jokes about being permanently half-drunk (thereby teaching me that 'legless' was a colloquial term for a state of heavy inebriation). His bravery and resilience filled me with admiration.

He had extracted from Kensuke and I promises to return several times that week; we would have stayed longer on this visit, but visiting hours had ended. Night had fallen by the time I arrived at my apartment – my stomach rumbled as I turned the key and I wondered what Kaji and I ought to cook for dinner.

"Hello, Kaworu."

"Hello, Kaj…" The words and smile died on my lips. "What is the matter?"

Kaji stood by the kitchen table, arms folded, feet planted. Beside him sat the laptop computer I had bought a while ago but rarely used – he had adopted it, I assumed as a way to pass the time during his effective captivity. It was open, though the screen faced away from me so I could not see what he had been doing.

"Nothing really," he said, though his grim look put the lie to his words. "Why don't you sit down? Got some questions I want to ask you."

Obediently, though with a growing sense of wariness, I took the seat he indicated. I folded my hands on the table in front of me and gave him my attention.

He drummed his fingers on the top edge of the laptop's screen. "I told you before that I want the truth – that's the most important thing to me now. I thought being _persona non grata_ around NERV and SEELE would put a hold on those plans, but it turns out this computer you lent me is pretty useful. Don't worry," he added, in response to my alarmed expression, "I've been careful – they shouldn't be able to trace anything back here. But that nose for trouble of mine has once again gotten my eyes where they don't belong.

"So, Kaworu," and he spun the laptop around so its screen faced me and I let out a gasp, "mind explaining a couple of things to me?"

I stared at the underbelly of the Instrumentality Project, my head spinning. "How did you reach these files? Everything on this topic is maximum security…"

"I _am_ a spy, y'know. And a pretty good one, if I do say so myself." The levity of his words clashed with his expression and tone, both of which were nearer to cold fury. "I can see why they'd want to hush up these sorts of plans. The deliberate engineering of Third Impact – using the Evas? And here I thought the Evas were made to save mankind, not damn it."

"You and many others." I thought of Shinji's reaction if he found out he was piloting a machine intended to bring death to everyone he cared for.

Kaji's hand slammed onto the table in front of me. "How long did you know, Kaworu? No, forget that, it doesn't matter – the important thing is that you _did_ know, and you said nothing."

"It is SEELE's plan, not NERV's," I said, but even as the words left my mouth I knew they were feeble and empty. "You must be aware of the rift between the Committee and Commander Ikari. I do not know what he is planning, but the Commander will do everything he can to thwart SEELE's scheme, as will Misato and the others."

His expression intensified at the mention of Misato's name, and the reminder of the danger to her. "They can only do that if they know what's going to happen. How could they guess that the people who are supposed to be protecting them are actually planning to kill them all?"

I was unable to speak; all I could do was look at him unhappily.

"'Evolution,'" he snorted, folding his arms. "'Instrumentality.' It's just a way to say that because we're not perfect, we don't deserve to live. Like our existence isn't worth anything because we're not flawless, because we screw up and feel lonely."

"They think that death will bring them to God and bliss, but death creates nothing."

"Exactly." He ran his hand through his hair and glared at me. "C'mon, Kaworu, you're not that different from us – you're practically human. You claim you care about Shinji and the others, but you just sat on information that could save them. You could have warned somebody before now, but you didn't."

"I'm sorry," I whispered. "I never thought – I was so caught up with everything that has been happening, with Asuka and Toji, I just—" I broke off, distracted.

Kaji frowned at me. "You just what? Kaworu?"

"Shh…" I got to my feet. "I thought I heard – felt…" I closed my eyes and relaxed, listening with my mind. Would it come again? Had I been imagining things?

…_target should be on the fourth floor, fifth apartment…_

My eyes snapped open. "Hide!" I hissed.

"What is it?"

"They are coming. Quickly, this way!" I grabbed Kaji's hand and led him to the window. "Use the fire escape. They are on the inside stairs as well as the elevator."

"What about you?" he asked abruptly.

"Oh, they would follow me if I ran, too," I said as I opened the window, trying to make it sound light. "They are not likely to search for a dead man such as yourself."

He grabbed my arm. "I haven't finished talking to you."

"We have been through this," I reminded him, and lifted his hand away.

"You'll never see Shinji again if you're dead!"

"To not see Shinji again would be worse than to be dead!" I snapped, and gaped in surprise at my own words. Kaji raised his eyebrows. Before he could comment on my bold declaration, I forced myself to speak. "There is still one more Angel before I am supposed to make my bid. They will not kill me." But I recalled the other purpose of the dummy plug clones. Had my defection become apparent? Would I now be erased?

Kaji stood irresolute for a moment, then abruptly ducked away to swing one leg over the window ledge. "Well, you're definitely as reckless as any human."

"I will take that as a compliment."

"It wasn't meant to be," he smirked. He was outside the window now.

"Use the rear carpark entrance," I said. My throat closed up, making my voice wobble when I wished him good luck.

"I'll see you in this world again," he promised, with his roguish grin, and started down the fire escape. I shut the window behind him and closed the blinds, and just like that he was gone.

There was no time to linger and absorb his departure. I hurried back to the kitchen – I could sense SEELE's agents on the floor below. I wiped the computer's recent memory, shut it down, and hid it under the loose floorboard beneath the refrigerator. I then took a seat at the table, forcibly composing myself.

No sooner had I calmed my breathing and colour than the door slammed open. A dozen men in black suits and sunglasses swarmed into my apartment. I smiled at them as they formed a circle around the table, concealed weapons ready at hand.

"You are late," I informed them, and watched them hesitate. For Kaji's sake I would not put up a fuss, but I would make sure these thugs knew where the power really lay.

# Tabris. # The dark monoliths glowered down at me. # Do you know why you are here? #

In truth, I could think of several reasons for them to summon me, but I did not yet know how much they knew or suspected. Better to let them make the first move. "I assumed you missed the melodious sound of my voice."

A mild electric shock, delivered via the handcuffs on my wrists, informed me that my jest was not appreciated. I winced only a little – I was getting better at not allowing my reactions to show.

# Your behaviour has been increasingly out of line for some time now. #

# The loss of the Lance of Longinus would not have occurred had you carried out your task. Why did we learn of it from Ikari, and not you? #

So they opened with an old complaint – they must be saving the more dire accusations for later. "What could I have done?" I said simply. "Suddenly, he began speaking of using the Lance. I could have stopped them, but would that not have been awkward?"

# This failure to perform your duty will not be forgotten. #

"Oh, I believe you. But do you think it wise to interfere with me now? I have been accepted into NERV." I knew my threat was weak – SEELE was perfectly capable of circumventing Section Two.

# _That_ we know. It will not be a problem. #

# Don't be remiss in communicating their status. Should Ikari again do anything improper, you must inform us immediately. #

The echoing voices became even more threatening. # But do not think that cooperation alone will ensure your safety. #

# You have a great deal for which you need to repent. #

# Where is Ryoji Kaji? #

I managed to suppress what felt like a minor heart attack to simply blinking. "Mr Kaji?"

The electric shock that followed was nothing compared to the shock of hearing Kaji's name used against me.

# Don't pretend ignorance. #

# A bicycle was found just outside the perimeter of the Nagano base. It was tracked to a store in New Taramuchi, and surveillance footage showed _you_ stealing it. The time of the theft put you at the Nagano base at the same time as Agent Kaji was releasing Sub-Commander Fuyutsuki from our custody. #

# You helped him to accomplish this. Tell us where he is now. #

I diverted enough attention from mentally kicking myself (_stupid stupid stupid!_) to tell them that Kaji and I had parted ways in Yokohama-2. "I have not seen him since then. He gave me to understand that he would … 'go underground,' I recall is the phrase he used."

A sharp jolt from the handcuffs informed me that my answer was unsatisfactory. I wondered, mostly to distract myself from the fiery ache steadily building around my wrists, how long this interrogation would continue – how far they would go to extract the information they wanted. I knew that what they had inflicted on me so far was nothing compared to what they were capable of. And I knew that I could not use my powers – as potent in my human shape as in my former – against them, while they were still capable of exposing my true identity to the people I had come to care about.

# We will find him eventually. Your gesture was pointless – it accomplished nothing. #

# You will cease these misguided actions. Remember that you follow our orders in all situations. #

I lifted my chin. "Have you forgotten my title? Surely you did not think you could totally control the Angel of Free Will."

# 'Free Will'? You have been our tool for the entirety of your time on this planet. After all, it was _we_ who trapped your soul inside that human form, and sustained you while you adjusted to it. You are the Tame Messenger. #

The sneering voice wavered ever so slightly, as though the speaker was trying to convince both of us of the truth in his words. I realised suddenly that they were afraid of me – their threats and rough treatment were masks, a bluff to conceal their fear. But why … Of course! At this late stage in their game, they could not afford to reveal my identity, else NERV would guess their plan and act to forestall it. They could not use the threat of exposure to keep me in line, and in every other arena my power outstripped their own. They had nothing, no hold over me.

I smiled. "Sorry to disappoint you, but it was my choice to accept this form. And it is my choice what to do now that it is mine."

# You are _our_ creation. # Again, they tried to make me believe that I was at their mercy. # Do not pretend to have your own mind. You are a tool, made to carry out our will. You will not defy us – you cannot deny your inherent reason for being. You will not rebel. #

This time I laughed outright. "If you believe that, then clearly you have never been the parent of a teenager."

The electric shock was stronger this time and made me cry out. I scowled; I would not put up with this much longer.

# You tread dangerous ground, Tabris. Remember, the prophecies of the Dead Sea Scrolls provide for both your success and failure. #

# Whether you live or die, you will serve our purpose. It is all you know, all you can ever know. #

"All I can know?" I repeated scornfully. "In the six months I have been in this city, I have learnt more than in the previous fourteen years with you. You taught me contempt for the Lilim, to believe that they are invariably flawed and unworthy. You taught me that there is no value in human existence, simply because it is 'imperfect.' That people in their current form do not deserve the future. All that you told me were lies."

# Every human is flawed. Deep within each person's heart is loneliness, incompletion, unhappiness. It leads them to foolish pursuits, to make mistakes, because no one can truly forget that they are always, and fundamentally, alone. #

"But while they live and know they have choices, every human has the chance for happiness. Loneliness is not inescapable; freedom confers the ability to reach out to one another, to search and strive for happiness, to improve their earthly existence – even make it into paradise – through the power of individual will.

"You," I addressed them directly, "are bitter, and believe the world to be a place of punishment, no more than a purgatory. You do not allow yourselves to truly live, to sincerely reach for happiness, and so you will never achieve it. You bring your misery and loneliness on yourselves because you refuse to recognise that you have choices. The world is not the bed of roses you wish for, and so you want to destroy it.

"But everyone else is not like you, and it is not your place to deny others the freedom of choice. One can say one's own life is not worth living, but no person has the right to decide that for someone else. You would force the integration of all souls to erase the loneliness of which you complain, merging all humans into a single, perfect being. But complementation attained that way is of no real value – it is coerced, denying the personal choice that is integral of true happiness. Consummation is meaningless without individual decision." I paused to catch my breath, realising as I did that I had been leaning forward in my seat and speaking passionately.

The monoliths rumbled, at once angry and sanctimonious. # Instrumentality is the destiny of mankind. It is the ultimate evolution of humanity. #

"It is death! Nothing can come of it, certainly not happiness. To be perfect is to be unchanging, and to be unchanging is to be unalive. What you seek is calamity."

# And what of yourself? # The voice was a pointed sneer. # _Your_ destiny is to live forever, destroying mankind in the process. You will leave nothing for humanity – no chance for happiness, no future of any kind. #

"Have you not been listening?" I said softly. "Surely it is evident by now. I—"

"—Have said enough, for now."

The monoliths disappeared.

"Kaji?" I spun around as far as I could. My arms and back protested as they were racked between the chair and handcuffs.

There he was, standing at the open door of the interrogation room. He grinned and waved casually. "The very same. You didn't think I'd leave you to SEELE's tender mercies, did you?"

I stared in disbelief as he crossed the room and knelt beside me. "You – you cannot be here—"

"Chill, Kaworu. The guards are asleep and I've killed the surveillance on this room, including SEELE's conference connections. Everything's peachy." He did something to my handcuffs – I was unable to see over my shoulder – and they sprang open.

"But – earlier you said—"

"That thing about you knowing the real purpose of the Evas and Third Impact? Forget about it." He helped me to my feet. "Can you walk? Good, let's get out of here." He supported me with a hand on my arm as we hurried from the room and down the corridor outside. "I should've been a little more patient – trusted you a bit. A lot's been going on, you hadn't really had time to sort out where your loyalties were."

"I have now," I promised him.

"So I heard." He stared at me, a look on his face somewhere between fondness and bemusement. "I gotta say, Kaworu, Shinji's a pretty impressive kid." At my look of confusion, he chuckled and elaborated, "I mean, I'm impressed that he was able to convince someone who's supposed to be his mortal enemy to switch sides – without even trying. I mean, he doesn't even know you're an Angel."

"Oh. No, he does not." I looked away, rubbing my wrists. They ached fiercely where the handcuffs had chafed and burned. "…Not yet, anyway."

"Hey now, don't look so depressed," he said softly. We paused at the outside door and he squeezed my shoulder. "It'll work out in the end. You'll sort it out between you, just wait and see."

"And what basis do you have for this optimism?" I asked sadly.

He smiled. "Just a hunch. You are Shinji are too good for each other to be broken up even by that."

"You truly believe so?"

"Right to the marrow." He clapped me on the arm. "Now let's get this show on the road."

I managed to smile in return. "Yes, let's." I pushed open the door and we stepped outside.

The silence was what I noticed first, the unnatural quiet of nature hiding from the predator. Only then did I see the ring of pure white light hanging in the north-western sky, and I did not need the voice in my head to identify the harbinger.

**- tabris. how unexpected. greetings, my brother. -**

"Armisael," I whispered.

"Huh," said Kaji. "And I had plans today."

25. This Mortal Coil._  
__If it doesn't work, kick it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway__._

Armisael spun slowly through the sky, a lazily rotating ring of double helix. Against its blue she glowed white, like purity and desecration – like ice and intense heat. I heard her humming at the back of my mind.

**- i hope for your sake you do not intend to supplant me, little brother. -**

- The thought never occurred to me, - I answered. "Kaji, how far are we from NERV?"

He spun the wheel, and we rounded a corner against the traffic lights and well above the speed limit. "'Bout five minutes. Sit tight, I'm getting you as close as I can."

"I see." A car, aggrieved by Kaji's creatively reckless driving, blared its horn at us, but we were already leaving it behind. "And how will you escape afterwards? You will be deep in NERV's territory."

"Oh, something tells me they might be a bit distracted," he said offhandedly. He glanced in the rearview mirror; Armisael's reflection shone like a halo for the world.

"Be careful, please."

He laughed. "Me? I'm not the one who keeps putting himself in danger so he can see Shinji." Kaji revved the engine, and we accelerated through the barrier and roadblock of the underground entrance. Armisael disappeared from sight, though her presence in my mind remained.

"You may have a point," I admitted.

"Sure I do." He grinned at me, though without taking his eyes from the road. "But I'm not going to explain this one to you – _this_ is something you have to figure out for yourself."

"What do you mean?"

"Hey, look at that!"

"Look at what?"

"Nothing, just changing the subject."

I rolled my eyes, but a chuckle escaped in spite of my efforts to contain it.

As we fled downwards, to the heart of the labyrinth, I leant forward in my seat and began re-tuning the car radio. Kaji watched out the corner of his eye; when we received the first of NERV's transmissions, shorn of security encryption, he raised his eyebrows.

"You're pretty useful, aren't you?" he commented. "What's the news?"

I shook my head. "Nothing of consequence. Beyond appearance and location, they have not been able to deduce much about her."

"'Her'?"

"Armisael." I smiled ruefully. "Unfortunately, I do not know a lot more than they do. We all have different forms in this world – the Armisael I knew is different to the one here."

"What a shame." Kaji braked, for what could have been the first time since our mad dash began, in order to place the car on the linear carriage that would take us to Central Dogma. As the wheel clamps engaged, he leant back in his seat, arms folded behind his head. "So, what's your name, then? Your real one?"

"Kaworu Nagisa," I said firmly.

He snorted. "I hear ya. But you know what I mean, right?"

"My … _other_ name is Tabris. And my title is Free Will."

He raised an eyebrow approvingly. "'Free Will', huh? Very fitting."

"For a maverick, yes." I grinned again, thinking of what SEELE had said. "But then, is it not a teenager's duty to rebel?"

"Hah!"

When we reached the terminus of the linear carriage, there was nobody around; the muffled sounds of activity all originated from Central Dogma, now just on the other side of the wall. I slipped from the car and started towards the door, but only managed two steps before being ambushed.

"We gotta stop saying goodbye so much," Kaji grumbled just above my ear.

I smiled and returned his hug. "Please take care, Kaji."

He released me with a gentle shove towards the door. "Same to you." He waved farewell; the door opened and shut behind me, and Ryoji Kaji was gone from my life.

The silence of parting, of loss, lingered for almost half a second.

"Kaworu!"

I turned at the shout and the sound of running footsteps, and Misato was suddenly beside me. She grabbed my arms and shook me, her expression at once furious and relieved. I realised I had entered Central Dogma several levels higher than I had intended – at the bridge instead of the cages.

"We've been trying to contact you for the last twenty minutes! Where the hell have you been?"

"Oh – I, um—"

"Never mind that," snapped Dr Akagi. "Kaworu, get to Cage 2 immediately. Unit 02 is ready to move out."

"Yes – right away, ma'am…"

"Here." Misato pressed something into my hands; as she spun me around and prodded me towards the elevator I realised it was a grey and blue plugsuit, the same as I had worn previously. "Rei's already prepped to launch – you'll be on backup."

Though she said nothing out loud, I sensed her unease at using a new pilot. I wanted to reassure her, but already the elevator doors were closing between us. "Thank you," I called instead, and did not know if she heard even that.

The journey to the cage, as I swapped clothes for plugsuit, was too long for my growing impatience; I hurriedly boarded Unit 02 and felt the initial contact with Kyoko's soul, before she receded deeper into the Evangelion. We shifted into the launch bay, and followed Unit 00 up top to Owakidani valley.

Rei's image appeared on my monitor as we emerged above ground. # Unit 02, stay back. I will take the point. #

"Roger." I watched as Unit 00 stepped forward, assuming the vanguard position. Armisael was not yet in sight; we were hidden from her by a line of hills. "Rei," I asked, "what do you feel when you fight an Angel?"

Only the slightest hesitation betrayed her surprise at the personal question – her face was wholly impassive. # It is my duty. #

"You may speak your mind to me, Rei," I said gently, reminding her of the similarity in our situations.

There was a pause, then she lifted her chin. # I am human first, # she declared quietly.

I felt the presences of Armisael and Adam hovering at the back of my mind, before Kyoko's consciousness gently brushed against my own. "I think I know how you feel."

# The target is continuing to rotate at a fixed rate, # reported Lt Ibuki. # Its vector has taken it over Owaku Valley. #

# Roger, # said Misato. # Rei and Kaworu, proceed to the intercept point and stand by. #

Shinji's voice crackled over the communications link. # Be careful, okay? Kaworu, Ayanami – stay safe, please. #

I smiled, touched by his concern. "We will do our best, Shinji. Please try not to worry."

# We will take care, # Rei added quietly. The quality of her image on my monitor was poor, but I thought she may have been blushing.

# Please, # Shinji whispered, and I sensed his discomfort – although he dreaded combat operations, it was worse to stand by while the people he cared about went into battle. Forced inaction, in this case, was as difficult as action, as to be powerless was to be helpless.

"Shinji." I met his gaze sincerely. "I will do everything in my power to return to you. I promise."

He didn't smile, but his expression was warm. # Thank you, Kaworu. That means a lot to me. #

The link closed, and I focused again on the battlefield.

I heard Armisael's surprise and amusement as we came in sight of one another.

**- tabris, what is the meaning of this? you would use the lilim's toy against me? -**

- I will do as I choose. -

**- so it seems. you were always the rebel; if anyone were to act out of turn it would be you. -**

- It is not what you think. Today I fight only to defeat you. - Armisael had no reason to suspect that I had absolutely no intention of destroying the Lilim; for now I would let her misapprehension stand.

**- then i have no choice but to annihilate you, my brother. -** She sounded neither harsh nor regretful – she simply stated her intention.

- You may try, but I will prevail. The plan is against you. -

Her contempt rippled through my mind. **- you refer to those foolish prophecies as though the lilim had any hope of understanding them. -**

- It is your destiny to fail. -

**- we shall see, tabris. -**

Armisael retreated from our mental contact, returning me to the physical world.

# We're at a standoff, # Misato was saying. # We don't know the enemy's mode of attack, and we can't be sure how to target it. Rei, hold position and observe. #

# No, # said Rei. # It's coming. #

As we watched, Armisael ceased rotating. The two strands of double helix fused and the circle parted, becoming a single serpentine length. The Angel reared in the air and I felt the force of her consciousness – her intent – directed at us. She dived.

We raised our rifles and fired several shots at her body, but the pellets impacted with no effect; she only swayed slightly before bearing down on us once more.

I managed to shove Rei out of the way before Armisael struck, and the Angel passed between us like a striking snake. As she halted, drawing into a coil to break her momentum, Rei and I fired our rifles again; once more, Armisael merely rocked back for a moment, no damage done.

"The rifle is no good," I called. "Another option!"

# I'm sending the dual-saw, # Misato said. # Retrieve from C-883! #

"Roger!"

But even as I directed Unit 02 to the supply port, I found Armisael blocking my way.

**- tabris, what is this blasphemy? you are not supplanting me, you are protecting them! would you give them the future? -**

So she had perceived my true agenda – and sooner than I had expected. - Even as you see me, sister. Free Will is my title, and my gift. -

**- the lilim are not worthy of a champion such as you. -**

I thought of Shinji, and smiled. - Armisael, they are infinitely worthy. -

# Dual-saw secured, # Rei reported; I glanced across and saw that she had run to the supply point and collected the new weapon while I stared Armisael down.

# Roger, # said Misato. # Coordinate with Unit 02 to keep the Angel distracted. #

Armisael coiled. **- this is the end, tabris! - **

She struck – at Rei!

"Look out!" I shouted, and # Look out! # Shinji yelled in the same instant.

It was too late for evasive action – all Rei could do was to raise the dual-saw in defence. Armisael collided with it head on, making Unit 00 stagger. They struggled; the whirring blades of the dual-saw ground against the Angel's body, but to no more effect than the rifles' pellets.

Then Armisael fastened herself to the saw, just next to Unit 00's hand, and at once the surface broke out in a rash like raised veins.

"Be careful!" I called. "It's an encroachment-type – don't let it touch you!"

# It's trying – to steal the saw, # Rei said, her voice laboured with effort as she struggled with the Angel. # I can't – hold onto – #

Armisael snatched away the weapon and Unit 00 lost its balance and fell. The Angel gathered herself quickly and wrangled the dual-saw into attack position; before Unit 00 could get to its feet, Armisael swung the saw down towards its head.

Rei hurled the Evangelion sideways, but it was too late – she screamed as the dual-saw bit into Unit 00's shoulder at the join of the neck.

# Ayanami! # Shinji cried. # Kaworu, do something! #

"Rei, I'm coming!" I called, and with Unit 02 I charged. Unit 00 was writhing in torment; one arm hung limp, the dual-saw even now gouging through the collarbone on that side. With the other hand Rei had grabbed the Angel reflexively, and the bulging veins of Armisael's encroachment spread down Unit 00's forearm as she desperately tried to back away, feet scrabbling to find purchase.

# This is bad! # Lt Ibuki cried. # The Angel is initiating fusion with Unit 00! #

# Fusion? # repeated Dr Akagi. # It's trying to make contact with the Eva? #

"Damn it," I muttered. "You will regret this, Armisael…!" As I approached Unit 00, I drew Unit 02's progressive knife and held it ready to slash. But Armisael could attack in two directions at once, and now the other end of the snake struck at me. I dodged, but just barely – I felt the draught of Armisael's passage as she went by. She gathered herself and struck again, and again; each time I evaded her, but could not get any closer to Unit 00.

# What's Rei's status? # Misato demanded.

# Bad! # said Lt Aoba. # Her AT field's being deployed, but it's not stopping the attack! #

# Bio-fusion is nearly five percent! # cried Lt Ibuki.

# Force-eject the entry plug! # Misato snapped.

# It's no good – the signal's not being received! #

Rei screamed in agony; Unit 00 convulsed, thrashing on the ground, as the dual-saw steadily dug its way through the chest.

"That's enough!" I charged again; when Armisael struck at me I leaped and planted my foot on her, then kicked off and away. I landed right next to Unit 00.

# Kaworu, force open the entry plug and rescue Rei! # Misato ordered.

"Roger!" I grabbed Unit 00's shoulder and ripped off the cover at the base of its neck. "Hang in there, Rei…" Frantically, trying to be careful, I loosened the spinal clamps and levered out the entry plug, but before I could retreat with it—

# Kaworu! # Shinji cried. # Look out! #

She was there before I could blink – just a blur of white and a heavy blow to the exact centre of my chest.

# _Kaworu!_ #

Somehow I managed to gently set down Unit 00's entry plug, next to a nearby supply port to the Geofront, before the first wave of pain caused my back to arch and a scream to rend my throat.

"Aahh – _aahhhh—!_" My blood white-hot – steel barbs – dying, dying, I was dying…!

# Father, send me out! Send me up there right now! #

# No, # came the cold voice, faintly past the pounding in my ears. # The release of Unit 01 is not authorised. #

# Father! _Kaworu!_ #

**- tabris … tabris, i am here. -**

The voice was closer than the inside of my head. I opened my eyes to a sea of orange life-blood, white bubbles drifting upwards past me, and there before me was my sister, in my image. But whereas she was whole and unmarked, the vein-rash had raised its creeping welts on and inside my chest, and they were spreading. - Armisael … Armisael, you are killing me… -

**- we are becoming one. you have adam's soul, if not his flesh; we will join with him together and seize the future. -**

- No, - I whispered, and choked. - This … this is not how it should be. This is not right… -

**- won't you become one with me? -** she asked wistfully.

I shuddered, but beneath the pain I felt pity. - You poor, lonely child. You wish so much for companionship, to be joined and whole with another who will never leave. You are so alone. -

**- you and i will become perfect together. we shall have a perfect eternity, together with our father. always, together. -**

- It would be nothing but a dream, from which we could not wake. It would be nothing. -

**- it would be eternal life! -**

I smiled. - But what would life hold for me, if there was not Shinji to share it with? -

I felt the ripple of Armisael's shock. **- 'shinji'? you speak this way of a lilin? it cannot be – tabris, you have fallen in l– -**

# _Kaworu!_ #

Shinji's call snatched away my attention, and I heard the rattling thunder as an Evangelion approached from underground.

# Unit 01, stop immediately! #

But Shinji ignored his father; Unit 01 burst from the nearest gate and immediately spread its AT field.

# Kaworu, hang in there. I'm coming! #

"Shinji, no! Stay back!" I cried.

As he approached, Armisael twisted and curled in on herself, slowly disentangling from Unit 00; the Evangelion fell to earth, empty and mutilated. The Angel reared into the air, deadly intent radiating from her like heat. Unit 01 halted, and stood poised, the rifle cocked and ready.

But as Armisael struck, as Unit 01 crouched to dodge, as pain clawed at my chest, I released my 'glow'.

# An AT field just appeared! # shouted Lt Hyuga. # It's the strongest we've ever detected! #

# AT field? Is it the Angel? #

# It's coming from – wait, that can't be! It's coming from inside Unit 02's entry plug! #

# What? #

"You – will – not – touch him," I grated. Armisael shrieked in protest and hurled herself at the barrier again, but my AT field was the stronger, and she could not break through. "You will not _touch_ him!"

# It's the Fifth Child, # said Dr Akagi grimly. # Kaworu is an Angel. #

# What? # Shinji whispered. # Kaworu? He – _No!_ # The pain in his cry made me wince. This was the betrayal I had hoped so desperately to avoid; I could not have imagined feeling as wretched as I did then, as I hurt the one I loved. # It's not true! I won't believe that Kaworu's an Angel – it's a lie! #

# Did you _know_ this, Ritsuko? # Misato demanded.

# I suspected. His medical examination suggested it, but the MAGI couldn't decide. I'm sorry, sir, # she added, evidently speaking to Commander Ikari.

# No, that was the correct course of action at the time. You did well, # he pronounced, then raised his voice in command. # Activate the remote destruct sequence for Unit 02! #

Lt Ibuki's voice was panicked. # Negative, the signal's not being received! Backup circuits aren't working either! #

# Kaworu? # Shinji pleaded. # Kaworu, tell me it's not true! #

I closed my eyes against the pain and guilt, but too late to keep tears from slipping down my face. "It's true, Shinji. I am the last Angel."

**- so much for your strategy, tabris, - **said Armisael, and drove further into me. I screamed.

# Kaworu! # And then Unit 01 charged – it dug its fingers into my AT field and ripped it apart, forcing its way through.

"Shinji, what are you doing?" I cried. "Get out!" I barely noticed the pain and horror from his intrusion, I was so afraid for him.

# No – I'll save you— #

**- fool! -**

"_No!_"

Armisael struck, for the final time. Shinji raised his rifle and fired, but the Angel brushed off the assault and circled him before plunging at his face. Shinji reflexively shielded his face with one arm, only for Armisael to latch onto it. Immediately the vein-rash burst out along his forearm.

# Unit 01 is caught! Bio-fusion imminent! #

"_Shinji!" _

"Kaworu?" in a whisper.

There he was – the sea of orange and white, Armisael in the water, and now Shinji beside me. It was silent except for the creak of the spreading vein-rash. Shinji cradled his infected arm, his eyes on me.

"It's true, isn't it. You're an Angel." His voice was hollow with betrayal.

"Shinji, I am truly sorry. I wish it were not so."

He drew a shuddering breath. "I can't believe this is happening," he whispered. "I can't believe you – you're—" His shoulders shook as he hunched over, clutching his elbows. "I trusted you … I opened my heart to you – I _gave_ you my heart, and you…"

I reached out to him, but a spasm of pain whip-lashed through my body. The vein-rash had spread outward; it now covered all my body.

**- it is beginning, -** said Armisael. **- we are becoming one. the future is ours. -** She glanced contemptuously at Shinji. **- i would prefer that the lilin were not here, but i cannot eject him. we shall have to drown his soul. -**

Shinji stared at her. "Kaworu, what's going on? Who is that?"

"That is the Angel – the other Angel. Shinji…" I bit my lip. "Shinji … this is Third Impact."

He froze. "…What?"

"Third Impact. The union of Angels to destroy humankind and steal their future. This is the end of the world." My vision was blurry, but whether the tears were from despair or frustration I did not know.

"Third Impact," Shinji whispered.

I whirled on Armisael. "You _fool!_" I raged. "You have no idea what you have done! There will be no world, no future, no life! Nothing!"

Armisael drew back. **- but this is our consummation, our fulfilment. this is our ultimate realisation. you cannot deny it. -**

"Oh, but I will," I promised her. I concentrated, and managed to return partially from the vision. The perceptions of Unit 02 were superimposed on the image Armisael had initiated; the world of orange and white now doubled up with Owaku Valley.

Unit 02's progressive knife was gone, I knew not where – I had dropped it when rescuing Rei from Unit 00. Instead I searched the entry plug for my only other weapon: the keythat would invert the Evangelion's AT field. It should have been behind the seat, or failing that, below the footrests, but I could not find it.

"Misato! Where is the modal switch?"

# It was damaged in the fight against the fourteenth Angel – it hasn't been repaired yet, # Misato said, then made a noise of surprise – she hadn't meant to answer me. I was in a hurry, however, and could not wait for her to collect herself before responding.

"Damn," I hissed. "I can't initiate the self-destruct from here!" I retreated to the vision again; perhaps I could stall Armisael while I thought of an alternative plan…

"Kaworu." Shinji's voice did not waver, but it was strained with distress. "Is this really happening? Isn't there anything we can do?"

I stared at him for a moment, then grabbed his hands. "Yes, there is. You can end it, Shinji – you can stop it happening, you can save the world."

"How?"

"Your duty, Shinji – to defeat the Angels. You must kill me."

His eyes widened with horror. "Kill you?"

"Here, with the knife." I pointed to the centre of my chest. "If you stab Unit 02's core it will destroy both the Evangelion and the Angel. You and Unit 01 will be safe, the fusion is not far progressed."

"No! I can't!"

"Shinji, I am an Angel!"

"You're Kaworu!" he burst out. "You're Kaworu Nagisa and I love you!"

Silence, for a second that may have been an hour. I forgot to breathe, forgot my heartbeat. "…You … love me?"

"I love you," Shinji said brokenly, and threw his arms around me and in the middle of pain and disaster I was so happy I could have burst. I clung to him with all my strength, and kissed his hair as he cried into my shoulder.

"Shinji … oh, Shinji," I whispered.

"You're the best thing that's ever happened to me – the best friend I could wish for," he sobbed. "I can't lose you, Kaworu. What would I do? How could I ever want to hurt you? I – I can't, I just can't."

"You must." It pained me to do something so reprehensible as let go of him, yet I drew back and looked him in the eyes. There I saw reflected my love for him, that overwhelming empathy and regard and affection that had become my worthiest attribute and now defined me.

"Shinji, I cannot be allowed to live. I would destroy all humankind. Humans and Angels cannot share the future, and you Lilim need it. It is what you live for – it is what you earn with your struggles and heartaches, your sorrows and small triumphs. The life that I had was a lesson, preparing me to make this choice."

**- it is too late. you cannot turn back now. -**

I gripped Shinji's arms. "There is still time. You must act now, Shinji. Please—" I forced my voice to steadiness. "Shinji, I am asking you to kill me. Please grant this request, for everyone's sakes."

Shinji held the knife before him; behind the vision there was Unit 01's hand, half-glimpsed, trembling like his own. "I can't."

I rested my forehead against his, feeling the point of the blade touch my chest. "Shinji, only you can evade the destruction that now approaches. Only you can make the choice to live, to seize the day and all the days that follow it. The future belongs to you, and only you can truly have it."

"Kaworu…" The tears fell from his eyes, silent in despair.

"I thank you, Shinji Ikari. My life was meaningful because of you."

He swayed, eyes shut, as though I had struck him. Then he gathered himself. I waited, motionless.

The blade punched through my chest in one motion. I fell to my knees. The pain was a shining, searing blaze, but it only lasted for a second before all feeling vanished – and from this I knew that everything was lost. The world spun into an unreal haze of indistinct colour-shapes and distorted noise, precursor to nothingness. It was so cold.

"…woru … hear … me…"

There was warm, supporting pressure underneath me and around my shoulders, and the sliding, spinning blur before me reminded me of Shinji. There was something … I had to warn him… "…'vas … Sh'n…"

"…'ther Evas? Kaw' … what … 'bout…?"

But it was gone – the strength, and the will. Only one thing remained to me, remained _of_ me. "Sh'n … love you…"

Then everything went dark, and the world … shifted.

26. Affirmation._  
__A life with love may have some thorns, but a life without love will have no roses__._

My feet found me again; they reported grass and soft earth. The air was warm and stifling heavy, and the smell of blood confirmed it to actually be LCL. I opened my eyes, and found myself in the park where Shinji and I had twice eaten picnic meals. Everything was still and silent; overhead the cloudless sky shone emerald green, and the sun was so black it glowed.

"What's going on?" Shinji whispered.

"This is a dream," I said, and was surprised by the trancelike quality of my voice.

"Look!"

I turned; on the grass behind us sat the tartan rug and food containers from our picnics. For a moment I forgot to wonder at their presence, and simply smiled with the memories they evoked. Shinji picked up one of the containers, his happy expression a match for my own, and turned it over in his hands.

"This is weird. What're they doing here?"

I shook my head to clear it; there was a slight viscosity to the atmosphere, and it felt like it was infiltrating my mouth, ears and nose. "No, wait – it isn't a dream. This is a substitute reality."

"What do you mean?"

I looked around us, wishing my intuition was incorrect, but the sinking feeling in my stomach would not be denied. "This is Instrumentality – Third Impact."

Shinji's fingers clenched, white-tipped, on the container he held. "But ... I thought we stopped it."

"I don't know. Perhaps … perhaps it _was_ too late."

"Then where's that other Angel?"

I 'listened'; there was no trace of Armisael's mind. "I think she isn't here. She must have been destroyed when Unit 02 was damaged."

"Kaworu." Shinji's low voice brought my attention back to him. "Kaworu, I … I killed you. Why are you still here? I mean, I'm glad you're here, but – how?"

"Truthfully, Shinji, I do not know."

- He is here because it is time for his choice. -

Shinji jumped. "Ayanami? What're you doing here?"

She stood at the top of the small hill, face blank, regarding us impassively.

I narrowed my eyes. "No, you are not Rei. You are a reflection – a construction, within our minds. The real Rei is somewhere else."

- This is the Instrumentality of your souls – of all souls, including that of the person you know as Rei. This is the time for examination and understanding, and from that, choice. -

"Choice? What choice?"

_- What are you, stupid? - _

Shinji drew a sharp breath. "Asuka?" he whispered.

The red-haired girl standing at the bottom of the hill scowled, hands on hips, and tapped her foot impatiently. _- Weren't you listening, idiot? I'm not the _real_ Asuka. -_

"You are doing a credible job of representing her personality," I remarked.

She ignored me, speaking instead to Shinji. _- Don't you realise what's going on? This is Third Impact! This is what you were fighting to keep from happening! But no, you had to try and _save_ Nagisa here instead of just letting him die! -_

"But I saw him die. I did it – I killed him." He looked and sounded so wretched I could not help but put a comforting arm around him; he shuddered, but did not pull away.

_- Don't play dumb! You may have killed him with your hands, but you _wished_ for him to live. You couldn't stop Third Impact, you just made sure that that other Angel wouldn't be part of it! - _

"Then I've destroyed everything?" His voice was hollow. "Everyone's going to die, because of me?"

- It is not necessarily so, - broke in the Rei character. - This is Instrumentality. This is the crux where anything is possible, where the future can be realised – where someone's words and someone's heart can decide the fate of the world. -

_- Don't try and think about anything else. _This_ is the moment you have to concentrate on, right now. Your heart, your soul is what's important. That goes for you too, Nagisa! -_

"Me?" I repeated. "How is it that I am included? The future belongs to the Lilim – I strove to make it so."

- The world hinges on the choices of the few, and so it is with you. At the destruction of the sixteenth Angel, in the moment that should have been your death, the bonds between yourself and Ikari held your soul from oblivion and drew it into the event already underway. -

The Asuka character pointed at us accusingly. _- You're here because you two idiots love each other! -_

"Oh." I looked at Shinji's face and saw that he was blushing. Unable to hold back a smile, I squeezed his shoulders. "Oh dear. I suppose we have caused some trouble, haven't we?"

She rolled her eyes. _- _Mein Gott, _talk about self-important! There was _always_ a chance Third Impact would occur. It just _happened_ to be you that precipitated it. -_

- Third Impact is merely a catalyst for the destiny of humankind. -

"A catalyst?" Shinji echoed.

- Yes. You lived in a world that felt it had no future, and feeling so, it deprived itself of the hope needed for a future to come to be. People were filled with sorrow, distracted by loneliness, overwhelmed by feelings of incompletion and despair. They were not aware of their choices, or the chances every day held for happiness. -

_- All they knew, all they allowed themselves to know, was struggle and hardship. They didn't bother to appreciate what they had. They didn't even know _why_ they were alive! -_

- This situation could not continue. Preoccupied with depression, humankind denied its potential to grow and evolve, and so it stagnated, and began slowly to decay and die. But there were those who wished to end this slow decline by uniting all living souls into one – they would destroy humanity in its individual forms to transform it into a single, perfect being. -

_- No more flaws, -_ the Asuka character pointed out. _- It's all balanced out; everyone's virtues and failings become everyone else's. And no more loneliness – not when you're totally merged with every other living thing in existence. -_

- The end of individual consciousness is the end of suffering. Nobody will ever be alone – nobody will feel isolated, or misunderstood, or incomplete. Humankind will be one, and whole, and eternal. -

_- Check it out! -_

In an instant the ground, the trees, and the air itself all melted into the orange sea from our vision with Armisael. The LCL we breathed was so viscous as to be nearly as solid as my own body; as I floated I felt myself blurring, both physically and mentally, with my surroundings. The smell of blood was overwhelming.

I was dimly aware of something alive in the LCL, a composite consciousness like an insect's compound eye – and I felt it/them suffusing my own consciousness. It was … not unpleasant.

"What is this?" whispered Shinji. I was not sure whether I heard him with my ears or my mind; even my senses were blurring, and sight, sound, touch and telepathy became indistinguishable from one another. Shinji's presence permeated the edges of my own, so that his voice/thought resonated within me. "It feels like my body and my mind are melting … I can't tell where I end and where it – they – begin."

"Our AT fields are dissolving," I said, but it was an effort to speak. The feeling of merging with the composite-soul was like a lullaby – soothing, comforting, relaxing my mind and sense of self. "They … it ... is melting the borders of our souls… that separate us from others."

- This is the world of Third Impact. You will cease to exist as yourselves, as individual entities; you will be absorbed into the collective soul of humankind. There will no longer be a person recognisable as 'you'. You will exist everywhere, but you will exist nowhere, all at once. -

_- And you won't be lonely anymore. You hated it, didn't you? That feeling that you were completely alone, nobody cared about you, nobody would reach for you ... You wanted to not be lonely. You wished for it with all your heart. So, this is what you wished for. - _

"That's true," Shinji murmured; his eyes were half-closing as the compound-mind suffused his own. "I was lonely ... and I hated it. But this … this feels wrong. If we don't exist ... then no-one will exist ... not really. At least ... if we're separate ... then we'll be real ... our feelings ... will be real. ... I don't want … to be absorbed."

_- But when people have individual forms, when the walls of their hearts separate them, they always feel fear and pain, _nein_?__ -_

"I don't mind. I don't … mind…"

- If that is your decision... -

I gasped; suddenly I could breathe again. Once more I stood on solid ground, and my body and mind were my own, solely. My first impulse was to turn to Shinji, who stood beside me, and embrace him.

"Ah! Kaworu!" Despite his surprise, he wrapped his arms around me in turn, and we held each other for a minute, just breathing and enjoying the fact of our solidity.

"Thank you," I said as I released him.

"What for?"

"Oh, just thank you," I smiled.

"I didn't do anything," he mumbled, self-deprecating, and I rolled my eyes, but tolerantly. There were some aspects of Shinji Ikari that would never change.

I looked around, and realised to my surprise that we were in the kitchen of the apartment Shinji shared with Misato and Asuka. But as in the park before, the air was LCL, and when I looked out the window, the black sun hung luminescent in its heavy green sky. The unnatural, expectant silence remained, as though the world was holding its breath, or about to wake up.

"What now?" Shinji asked, to nobody in particular. "Is that … mind-melt thing going to happen?"

"It appears not," I said. "And yet – Third Impact has begun. One way or another, destiny must be decided."

"Is everything going to end? Kaji said..." he swallowed, "...that Third Impact would mean the end of the world, that everyone would die."

_- Hey, don't get ahead of yourself. Nothing's decided yet. -_ Suddenly the Asuka character was seated at the kitchen table, tilting the chair back at a precarious angle with her feet on the tabletop.

Shinji looked at her, almost pleadingly. "What do you mean? We might be able to do something to stop it?"

She smirked. _- That's up to you. -_

"You mean we could decide what happens?"

"Third Impact as a catalyst," I mused, "would polarise the will of the human soul, whether for life or for death. We know there is potential for destruction within it – might there also be potential for creation? For life? After all, people have the power to choose a positive or negative view." I decided I liked this theory.

"The power to choose their view?" Shinji repeated.

"Certainly. No matter what happens, what difficulties or disasters come your way, it is up to you how you view them and define your reality. Anywhere can be Paradise, or Hell. Your perception decides your perspective and makes it true, creating your situation."

Shinji nodded. "I think I understand. Your life – your world – is what you make of it, right?"

"Exactly."

"I get it." He smiled, a little sheepishly. "You know, for ages I thought my life would always be the way it was, and that it could never be any different. But since meeting you, I feel like there's a lot more to it than I realised. The way you talked to me, how you were always interested in what I had to say – it was totally new to me. And you'd talk about things – really deep, important things – but I felt like I could understand them, just a little, when before I'd thought I'd never be able to understand anything."

"Shinji, that's wonderful." I squeezed his hand. "I'm happy for you."

There was a scrape and clatter as the Asuka character shoved her chair back and got to her feet. She glared at me. _- Then why won't you do the same thing? - _

"What do you mean?" I said.

_- _Dummkopf_! Why won't you change your own attitude? Drop this martyr complex and actually practice what you preach. Seize the day! Choose life! -_

"But if I do that, the world I wish for will not come to be. I chose to stand aside, in order that the Lilim could live on."

- This is not the time to think about what should be done, or how things ought to be, - advised the Rei character. - Be honest – think only of what you want, what you desire in your heart. -

"In my heart…" I echoed. I glanced across at Shinji, and smiled. "My honest answer? I want to live. I want to wake up and know that I will see Shinji again. I want to be with him – to live alongside all of them." The look Shinji gave me was as warm as an embrace.

- That is your heart's desire? -

"Yes." I looked at the ground. "Though I know it cannot be. Angels and humans cannot share the future, and I chose to let the Lilim have the chance to seize it for themselves."

_- Don't tell _us_ what's possible and what's not! This is Third Impact, remember. -_

- With Instrumentality, all things are possible. -

I looked up. "Then is it true, what I thought?"

The Asuka character smirked at me. _- You'll see. - _

The kitchen blurred and melted, and then all was darkness and sleep.

"Kaworu! Kaworu, wake up!"

"Unh … five more minutes…"

"Kawo_ruuu_…"

I tried to hide under the covers, but to no avail – my shoulder was grabbed and shaken violently.

"Ow! Cut it out, Rei!"

"Come _on_, Kaworu, we'll be late! Get _up!_"

A violent jerk, and my pillow was snatched away.

"Aah! Rei, give it back!"

"Not a chance! I'm not getting in trouble on our first day because _you're_ a lazy idiot."

"Why do you have to be such a pain?" I groaned. I sat up slowly, rubbing my eyes.

"Look at you!" Rei put her hands on her hips. "Some big brother you are! Do I have to do _everything_ around here?"

I grinned at her. "Looks like it," I said cheerfully, and threw back the covers and bounced out of bed.

Rei's mouth dropped open. "You … you're already dressed?"

I patted her on the head. "Yep! I got up an hour ago. You sleep in so late, little sis!"

Her hands clenched into fists of fury. "Why – you! You're so dead!"

I dodged her swipe and ran from the room, laughing. "But you're so cute when you're angry!"

"You haven't seen me angry yet, you jerk!"

"Ahaha! Help!"

We grabbed our bags and a piece of toast each, and charged out the door.

"Damn you, Kaworu!" Rei complained to my back as we ran down the street. "You're always like this! You just do what you want, push people's buttons, and don't give a crap about the consequences!"

"Of course," I said over my shoulder. "Life is far too short to spend doing only what other people tell you to do. I want to enjoy my life as much as I can!"

"But when you do, it's always _me_ who gets in trouble!"

"Now really, Rei, is that entirely true?"

"Yes – it – _is!_" She sped up and overtook me in a burst. "Move it, you lazy brother!"

"Yes, sir!"

Rei had turned around to poke her tongue out at me when it happened – one second she was running along ahead of me, the next there was an almighty crash, two voices crying out in surprise and pain, and she was on the ground. A flock of birds took flight from a tree nearby, startled by the noise.

"Ow…"

"My _head_…"

A red-haired girl – the other half of the accident – sat slumped on the ground, one hand pressed against her skull. As I watched, a boy with short brown hair put a hand on her shoulder.

"Asuka, are you okay?"

"Ouch – do I _look_ okay? I just got run over!"

"I'm so sorry!" Rei gasped. "I was seriously in a hurry – we're gonna be in big trouble." She staggered to her feet. "Kaworu—"

She grabbed my hand, but I barely felt it. The boy was looking at me, and time had slowed to a halt … He had … such blue eyes … such deep, deep blue eyes…

"Come _on_ Kaworu!" Rei yanked on my arm. "We've gotta _go_! I'm _really_ sorry," she called to the red-haired girl. Then she was running again, dragging me along with her – I stumbled in her wake and our gaze was broken. Shaking my head to clear it, I ran after my sister. We were late for school.

"Capricious," said Mr Kaji. "Disruptive, impulsive, lacks focus, doesn't apply himself. Brilliant but whimsical." He looked at me over the top of the paper, one eyebrow raised. "Enjoys provoking other students."

"He's always saying and doing weird stuff, just to get a reaction," Rei grumbled from her seat beside me.

I shrugged. "It's entertaining."

"And you're in _Misato's_ class," Mr Kaji said under his breath. "Talk about a recipe for trouble." The counsellor grinned in spite of himself. I sensed a kindred spirit and smiled cheerfully at him; he caught himself and loudly cleared his throat, shuffling the papers he held. They were reports from the teachers at our old school, and it was apparent that I hadn't been very popular in the staff room.

"Rei Nagisa," he read, and my sister leant forward to hear what was written about her. "Outgoing, capable and intelligent, but tempestuous and easily distracted. Needs to concentrate on her school work."

"What?" she burst out. "Tempestuous? I'll give them tempestuous, those grumpy old bats!"

"Do you suppose Miss Nagakura wrote that?" I said.

"Nagakura?" Rei scowled. "That cow – she's always had it in for me! Just because she's a lazy idiot who failed her graduate degree…"

"Not many people knew that until you spread it around the school," I pointed out.

"She had it coming! That essay was worth a B at least, and she—"

"All right, that's enough, Rei," said Mr Kaji, holding up his hands. Rei shut her mouth, and with difficulty managed to get herself under control. She sat back and folded her arms huffily.

"I don't know how anyone could call _you_ tempestuous, Rei," I smiled at her.

"You shut up, Mr Doesn't-Apply-Himself!"

"_Enough_," said Mr Kaji sternly. "As I was saying, this is your first day at a new school, and a chance to start over with a clean record."

"How many detentions did you have last year, Rei?" I asked innocently. Rei resolutely ignored me, her attention on Mr Kaji.

He looked at each of us in turn. "I mean it, you two. You have a fresh start now, and lots of great opportunities. You can get a lot out of your time here – if you put in the effort and make the most of what you've got." He gave a small smile. "Just give it a shot, okay guys?"

Rei sat up straight, suddenly enthused. "We will, Mr Kaji! You can count on us!"

"We will certainly make the most of the opportunities we have," I assured him.

"Right..." Trying to hide a dubious look, he stacked the reports into a neat pile. "Well, homeroom's started, so head on down to class 2-A and get into it."

As he showed us out, he said quietly to me, "And if anything really interesting happens, make sure to drop by and tell me all the details." He winked.

I broke into a grin. "Of course, Mr Kaji."

"C'mon, Kaworu!" Rei called. "Let's go!"

"See you round, Kaworu," said Mr Kaji.

"See you," I said, and turned to follow my sister.

Rei's walk was determined and focused; when I caught up to her I saw that her expression matched. "Right. New school. New friends, new teacher, new chances and opportunities. It'll be great. I'll do my best." She smiled, slipping into her happy mode as easily as breathing.

Her pleasant, friendly demeanour lasted, almost impervious to my habitual baiting, as we made our way to classroom 2-A and knocked on the door. It was opened by a vibrant dark-haired woman who grinned when she saw us.

"Awesome, you're here! I'm Misato Katsuragi, but you can call me Misato." She stuck her hand out and we each shook it in turn.

"Nice to meet you, Misato," said Rei cheerfully.

"We look forward to being in your class," I added.

"Great! I'm sure we'll get on famously. C'mon in!" She beckoned for us to follow; as we entered the classroom behind her the babble of talk subsided. "Listen up, dudes! We've got the much-rumoured transfer students here to introduce themselves. Let's hear them!"

My sister smiled brightly at our new classmates. "I'm Rei Ayanami, how's it going?"

"Kaworu Nagisa, likewise," I said, and my eye fell on a familiar face. "Oh, it's you!"

The boy with the deep blue eyes sat up in his seat, startled to attention. But his response was drowned out by the red-haired girl who sat behind him.

"You!" She jumped to her feet and pointed accusingly at Rei. "You're that clumsy brat from this morning!"

Rei switched moods instantly. "You're calling _me_ clumsy? _You_ crashed into _me_!"

"The hell I did!"

"Hey, what's the big deal?" the boy said. "It was just an accident!"

Rei glared at him. "Who are you and why are you defending her?"

"Mind your own business, Shinji, you idiot!" snapped the red-haired girl.

"Damn right! _She's_ the one making all the fuss!"

"You shut your mouth, bluey!"

He looked at me and rolled his eyes; I smiled and shrugged. As the girls continued to argue, ignoring orders to be quiet (which came from the class representative rather than Misato, who instead encouraged them), I made my way to the empty seat beside him and sat down.

"They'll probably keep arguing as long as they're allowed," he said with cheerful resignation. "Asuka's in a really grumpy mood today anyway."

"Never mind them," I said. "What's your name?"

"I'm Shinji Ikari. You're Kaworu Nagisa, right? Hey, can I call you Kaworu?"

My smile was irrepressible. "I'd like that."

He grinned. "Cool." He held out a hand; as I clasped it, I looked into his eyes and felt like I was home.

"I'm very glad to meet you, Shinji."

He glowed at me and I knew my feelings were returned. "Same here, Kaworu."

- You see? -

I blinked. Suddenly we were back in the apartment kitchen. Beside me, Shinji jumped in surprise.

"What was that?"

"That was another possible reality," I said. "Another possibility for us. I … I was human."

"I wasn't an Eva pilot." Shinji looked a little shaken, but cautiously pleased.

I cast him a sideways glance. "There was one thing that stayed the same, though."

He looked at me. "What was that?"

I smiled. "I still loved you."

He broke into a grin, the predictable blush appearing on cue. "Me too."

_- There're all kinds of possible worlds, and possible 'you's. -_ The Asuka character sat on the edge of the table, swinging her feet. _- And every one of them has its own consequences and ramifications. In that world, your mother was alive. - _Shinji swallowed, a conflicted expression on his face. She saw it and pounced. _- You could bring her back in this one. -_

"_What?_" It was a whisper, but with the force of a scream.

The next moment we had been transported to classroom 2-A of our school. The desks and chairs were stacked against the window, leaving a clear space like a stage. Gendo Ikari was on his knees in the middle of the room; Rei lay prone beneath him, wearing her white plugsuit – she still bore the scars of Armisael's assault. The Commander's hands were clenched around her throat, half-disappearing into it. Somehow I knew this tableau, if not its setting, was real.

"Ayanami!" Shinji cried, his hand reaching out reflexively. He turned on the Asuka character, now perched on the teacher's desk. "What's going on? What's he doing to her?"

_- He's trying to take control of Third Impact and reach your mother. He can do it, you know, if you let him. You'll see her again – you and he will be with her again. -_

"I'll see my mother again? She'll be alive?"

- No one will be _dead_, - the Rei character corrected him. Shinji glanced at her, but looked away quickly. He stared at the scene before us.

"But he's killing her – he's killing Ayanami. That's supposed to bring my mother back?"

- Her soul endures in this world – it resides within Evangelion Unit 01. With the release of that girl's AT field, all souls will merge and become one. You, your mother and father will be reunited. -

"But … if everyone melts, no-one will be themselves anymore. That's not … it doesn't feel right. I mean, it'll just be like dying, won't it?"

_- Don't you want to see your mother again? -_

Shinji bit his lip, the pain of his inner conflict written clearly in his expression. I forced myself to stay silent.

"I..." He drew a shaking breath. "It … hurts that Mum's gone. It hurts a lot, and I wish I could see her again, I really do. But … more than that … I want to live. I want everyone to live. I want everyone to have the chance to do whatever they want with their lives. Even…" He sniffed and wiped his eyes. "Even if people get hurt, or feel afraid or lonely, that's better than – than nothing ever changing. People should be able to move forward, if they decide to."

He took a faltering step towards the Commander and Rei, and I saw him hesitate. This was the man, after all, who had defined his life. "My father … what he's doing … He shouldn't take that away from us. It's not right. I won't let him!" His voice hardened as he spoke, until on the last word he broke into a run.

When he reached them he shoved his father away from Rei; as the Commander sprawled on his side, Shinji took a protective stance before her. Father and son glared at one another for a tense moment, before their attention was diverted to Rei as she slowly got to her feet.

She stared at the Commander silently, and he at her. Her mouth moved as she said something for his ears alone. He bowed his head, an unreadable expression on his face.

- This man wishes to return to the past, - said the reflection of Rei. - He has given up on life, and despair now rules him. He refuses the future for himself, and would have denied it to others. -

Shinji sighed, and I heard him murmur, "You know … I don't think I hate you anymore. I just pity you." His father glared at him.

The real Rei nodded briefly at Shinji, then turned and walked away from the Commander; she slid open the classroom door and closed it behind her.

"Ayanami, wait! Ayanami?" Shinji pursued her, but the door would not open for him. When he looked back, his father was also gone, but he did not react. "Where'd she go? What's going to happen to Ayanami?"

_- That's up to her, now. -_ It may have been my imagination, but the Asuka character sounded satisfied.

- Her soul will undergo Instrumentality, and she will choose whether to live or seek oblivion. -

"What about Asuka and Misato? Toji, Kensuke – everyone? What'll happen to them?"

_- What are you, stupid? Instrumentality means _everyone!_ They all get to learn themselves, and to decide what they want to do. -_

I burst into a grin. "Thanks to you, Shinji! They are able to do this because of you!"

He stared at me, bewildered. "Me? Because of what I did?"

"Yes!" I hugged him joyfully. "Because you rejected your father's agenda, because you chose to reach for the future instead of stagnating in the comfortable past, you gave the whole world the opportunity to do the same."

"I … I did, didn't I?" He looked overwhelmed, but contentedly so. "People … they can live now, can't they? I helped them. We can go forward now, right?"

"We certainly can."

He smiled hesitantly. "Kaworu … can you stay with me?"

I glanced at the Rei and Asuka characters; they nodded, and I took Shinji's face in my hands. "For as long as I am able, Shinji, I will be by your side. I promise you."

He sighed happily. "Thank you."

"Though we are strong enough to survive on our own, we humans," I mused, "it's nicer to have someone with us, so we don't _need_ that strength."

Shinji rested his forehead against mine. "Yeah…." He blinked. "Are you human now, Kaworu?"

"As human as I have always been."

"Oh." He smiled. "That's good."

In an instant, the Rei and Asuka characters vanished. The green sky and black sun were replaced by their blue and white selves, and I found myself back in Unit 02's entry plug.

There was a moment of perfect stillness, perfect balance; a moment when I saw the world glowing with life and energy, the universe poised in sharp and shining definition. The air was alive, crowded with possibility and potential – as though every living thing had just woken up and was drawing breath, stunned and delighted at the fact of existence. For an instant I stood motionless at the apex of the present and the future, and saw further and clearer then ever before: saw for miles across countries and oceans, saw people's hearts and minds expand as they looked forward in hope or challenge, saw the world as it was remade and renewed.

_Carpe diem_.

End.


End file.
